He pushed open the door, confident that he wouldn't show any weakness and would be completely professional. He had to be to get on with his job. He was a doctor, and emotions weren't part of the job. Only good doctors would push their personal problems aside and forget about them, and Ethan was determined to be a good doctor. Today, above all days, was probably the most important. If he could treat this patient when his head was this fuzzy, then he could probably get through anything. He had to prove, mainly to himself, that he could do this.

"Are you okay to work?" Robyn asked quickly as she rushed around Mr Davidson.

Ethan was confused, how did she know? "Of course..."

"You said you weren't feeling well earlier," she mentioned skeptically.

"Oh, I'm perfectly fine now," he lied. "What's happened?" Ethan stepped closer to Mr Davidson and he started scanning him all over.

"He just went off - no warning. There's no spinal damage, no collapsed lung or anything. No pneumothorax..." she listed, grimacing.

Ethan screwed his eyes shut, practically reading through a medical textbook in his head. He had to think of anything and everything that could be wrong, that could lead to this man's possible, and very probable, death.

He opened his eyes again when a thought struck him. It would be very unlikely - granted - and Ethan wished it wasn't the case, but it could happen.

"At the crash, was he trapped?"

"For about half an hour according to the paramedics."

"Right, okay - um - he was the driver, correct?"

Robyn nodded.

"Alright, I'm taking a leap in the dark here..." He muttered, checking the man's neck and heart sound. "I think he has a cardiac tamponade." It made Ethan shiver just saying the word.

"Are you sure?" Robyn asked in shock, looking between Ethan and the patient.

"Positive. He has a pulsus paradoxus, his heart sounds are muffled, and he has an engorged neck vein - it's Beck's Triad. Chapter five of 'Weimar's medical textbook: volume 3'." Ethan could swear Robyn looked slightly impressed, but he had more pressing matters on hand. His patient would die if he didn't do anything, but he could already feel the nerves and the memories creeping back up on him.

"You alright to do this?" Ethan could hear the concern in her voice, and he subconsciously ran a hand over his side, before nodded hastily and preparing to do the same procedure on someone that had saved his life exactly a year before.

Everything was prepped, and Ethan had to do this. Neither he nor Robyn could leave Mr Davidson's side when he was in such a critical condition, but all Ethan felt like doing was running and hiding. Preferably somewhere where Cal wouldn't be able to find him (considering his brother seemed to know where he was most of the time).

He looked behind him and around him. He had to do this.

Ethan took a very deep breath in, and then released it slowly. He pushed all of the memories to the back of his mind and focused entirely on the task in hand. He blocked out most of the noise - apart from the essential noises that told him that Mr Davidson was dying in front of him - and started.

Cal didn't want to check up on Ethan, but the small chat he had with him wasn't exactly the most successful talk ever. He didn't know whether Ethan was in the right head space to work, but he couldn't push Ethan too far on a day like this one.

It felt wrong and Cal felt conflicted.

On the one hand, he wanted to let Ethan get on with his work so he didn't feel crowded. Maybe all Ethan needed was to take his mind off of the date and the guilt and the emotions and the feelings. On the other hand, he wanted to take Ethan home and sit with him and hug him and try and rid the guilt his little brother felt.

He didn't want to crowd Ethan, but he didn't want Ethan to let a patient down and maybe let a patient die.

Cal found himself outside of Resus, looking in on Ethan preparing something. He stood there for a few moments then realised what Ethan was preparing for. All Cal wanted to do was charge in there and stop Ethan - he could see Ethan's hands shaking, but just seeing all the equipment made his own blood run cold as his memory unearthed the image of his unconscious brother inches from death.

He placed his hand on the door, ready to push it open and save Ethan from what could be his idea of hell - but he found he couldn't move. His eyes were fixed on Ethan's movements and he realised Ethan was actually coping fairly well. From what he could see, Ethan wasn't crying. His hands were shaking, but not as much as before. It looked like he was keeping everything under control.

Cal doubted he could do that himself.

He gulped nervously, desperately trying to keep his emotions at bay while watching Ethan. He wanted to look away, he wanted to run away, but he was frozen in his place - staring at Ethan and the procedure he was carrying out like nothing could phase him.

Cal envied Ethan.

He never thought - and he didn't mean to be rude - that Ethan would be able to cope so well. If earlier was anything to go by anyway. But now, now it seemed like nothing in the world could phase him. It seemed like his mind was wiped and all he knew was how to do a pericardiocentesis and nothing else. How was that even possible?

If that was Cal in there, he knew he would break down there and then - he was nearly breaking down just watching it being done. It felt like Ethan was there all over again. It was like Ethan was dying and only Cal could save him.

He almost despised his little brother in this situation. He didn't mean to, but Ethan was holding it together so well and Cal was falling apart just watching the procedure.

He watched as cool, calm Ethan finished the pericardiocentesis and Cal finally found the energy to move away from Resus. He couldn't wrap his head around it. He thought he would be fine today - it was Ethan and Dixie and all the others that were involved in the crash that wouldn't have been - but he just found he wasn't up to it.

He walked to the men's and went to splash some water onto his face - only now realising his eyes were filled with tears and he had tear tracks on his cheeks. He didn't even realise he'd become so emotional just watching that procedure being done. It was all too real for Cal - the memories of doing that to his brother. Of watching his brother deteriorate and not coping until the last few seconds when it really mattered.

He knew he shouldn't be thinking about himself. Ethan was the person who was important.

After gaining some control over his emotions, Cal decided to find his brother and see how he was getting on. He had to push his own memories aside and concentrate on Ethan. After all, Ethan was the one who had suffered the most - Cal wasn't important.

He found his brother sitting in the peace garden, on a bench Ethan occupied a lot when he wanted to think. "I heard - saw - what you did on there." Cal mentioned, sitting beside Ethan.

"What?" The younger asked, turning towards Cal.

"The - er - pericardiocentesis." Cal shivered just saying it aloud. It wasn't as if he hadn't said it aloud before, and indeed in his own head, but the memories made everything just that little bit harder.

Ethan shrugged, "it was nothing."

Cal never did like Ethan's modesty. "Mate, you did a pericardiocentesis on the one year anniversary of when you had it done. That takes guts."

"Yes, but I wasn't awake last year - so it was no big deal." Ethan brushed off.

Cal wanted to contradict Ethan again, but decided against it. He didn't want to make Ethan upset, especially because he seemed so calm. "Okay, you can think like that."

Cal watched Ethan smile - knowing he'd won.

There was a moment of silence, and everything Cal had been holding back started to bubble to the surface. He wanted to tell his brother everything and nothing. He wanted to be held, but he wanted to hold Ethan. He wanted to cry, but he wanted to dry Ethan's tears. "I would never have been able to do it…" Cal admitted, looking to the ground instead of his brother.

For a few seconds, Cal thought Ethan wasn't going to answer him, then: "oh, Cal." Cal noticed something in Ethan's voice. It was almost like realisation. "I'm sorry… I was so wrapped up in myself that I never gave a thought to you." He looked apologetic, and that was the last thing Cal wanted to happen. "How - um - how are you holding up?"

He wanted to tell Ethan how scared he was, but he didn't want Ethan to worry. "I didn't expect you to give a thought to me, Ethan." Cal stated, shaking his head in dismissal. "This day is one hundred times harder for you then it is for me. After everything you went through last year-"

"-that doesn't matter. How are you?" Ethan persisted. "Honestly." He added on the end.

"I - er - well - er - honestly?" He wanted to lie to put Ethan's mind at rest, but there was something in Cal that meant lying wasn't an option. "Getting there." He said slowly.

Ethan nodded. "I know we never really talk about these things - but we're brothers. You can tell me the honest truth."

Lying definitely wasn't an option now, and Cal couldn't hold back any longer. "I just - it's hard, you know? Last year... you nearly died. I had to stand there, knowing there was only me who could save your life, and I froze. I just couldn't physically stick a needle in your chest." Cal ranted.

"Oh, don't worry about being descriptive," the younger joked.

Cal smiled. "You could have - Ethan, you could have died last year. I could have - well - I could have lost my little brother." He admitted carefully, being wary so he didn't upset Ethan.

Ethan smiled warmly. "I'm invincible, Caleb, you should know that by now."

Cal knew that as a fact, but he couldn't help saying, "who's the Knight here?"

For a moment, Cal thought Ethan would come back with something sensible. He didn't. "Yes, but I'm very Hardy."

Cal couldn't hide his grin. "That was awful!"

"Yours was no better!"

Their smiles soon turned into laughter, but Cal's soon stopped when he realised something very important.

"Are you - er - are you coming for a drink for Jeff after work?"

Cal saw Ethan inhale deeply and wondered if he should have said anything about Jeff, but sure enough, Ethan answered calmly. "I don't really know."

"You should, Eth. He would want you there - and - um - he wouldn't want you - well - he wouldn't want you being guilty."

"Since when did you stutter?" Ethan joked nervously.

"Ethan," said Cal seriously.

Ethan just shrugged.

"'I know we never really talk about these things - but we're brothers.'" Cal quoted.

Cal saw Ethan take a deep, really deep, breath. "Well - I just don't know how to - it sounds stupid." He stated, shaking his head.

"No, go on." Cal ushered.

"I don't know how to stop feeling guilty. I thought everything was alright, and then today happens and everything piles on top again and it feels like last year all over again."

Cal knew there was a time when his efforts would fall short and he wouldn't know how to convince Ethan out of his mind set. It seemed that time had come. The best he could do was try old methods. "But you know it wasn't your fault, right?"

Ethan shrugged again.

"It might not help if I say this-"

"-then don't say it." Ethan interrupted, looking away from Cal.

"Eth, hear me out. It really wasn't your fault. Jeff was slow getting out of the van - and you were sideswiped. I'm sure it was your right of way. It wasn't even the other guy's fault. He was the one who caused the crash - and did you see him getting cuffed?"

"I was unconscious." Ethan joked lightly.

"Yeah, well - I didn't, and no one else did. Because he wasn't! No one was arrested, it was no one's fault. No one made Jeff linger, no one made that guy crash into you."

"I was still driving, Caleb." He protested.

It was like a lightbulb had turned on inside of Cal's head - something he wished he'd thought of before. "So what? Lily was reading the map, she didn't know where to go. If it's your fault, then it has to be her fault too. Tess tried to help Lily, but she didn't know where to go either - so it's her fault as well. And if they weren't given the map, then you wouldn't have been going the wrong way, so you wouldn't have been sideswiped. So then it must be Connie's fault as well. So if Connie hadn't given Lily the map, and if Lily and Tess could find the way to go, then you wouldn't have been lost. If Ash had kept his seatbelt on - instead of trying to read the map, then he wouldn't have been trapped, so they wouldn't have had to spend extra time rescuing him, so it's Ash's fault as well. Jeff could have climbed out of the van quicker as well, so he caused his own downfall. Technically, it's practically everyone's fault." He raised his eyebrows towards his little brother.

Ethan took a moment to take it all in. "You're such an idiot sometimes."

"Am I right, or am I right?" Cal leaned back, practically watching the cogs in Ethan's mind work.

"But if I hadn't been driving-"

"-then someone else would have driven, but you'd still have the same problems with the map, causing the same problem with the seatbelt. The guy from the other car would still have been there, meaning he still would have sideswiped the van. Ash still would have been trapped... and so on and so fourth."

Cal watched as the corners of Ethan's mouth twitched upwards - resembling that of a smile.

"You make it sound so simple," he said, shaking his head.

"That's the point, Eth. It's as simple as pie. You aren't to blame."

Cal was expecting a long answer about how he was to blame, but all he received was a simple 'fine' from his brother,

"Ethan Hardy, are you giving in?" Cal said in mock disbelief.

Ethan looked at Cal right in the eye. "Caleb Knight, I think I am."

Cal smiled. "Fully and completely?"

"Well - um - not quite yet - I don't think. This time next year, I think it will just be an ordinary date." Ethan said. He sounded so determined that Cal had no choice but to believe him. He really hoped Ethan was right, though.

"I'm happy for you, Eth." Cal stated truthfully,

"Yes, alright," Ethan brushed off. "This whole 'brotherly thing' is starting to make me feel queasy."

Cal smiled, he had the perfect response to that. "Only you would use the word 'queasy', Nibbles."

"That's more like it." Ethan laughed, then he paused. "Don't call me Nibbles."

Then they both started laughing.

"To Jeff," everyone chorused, drinking to the beloved paramedic.

Cal was pleased (if a little too pleased), that Ethan had decided to join everyone in the pub. It didn't take much persuasion on Cal's part, and Dixie seemed very happy to see Ethan. It seemed Ethan was trying his hardest to drag his own mind out of the pit of guilt, and Cal was more than happy to see that. He would, after all, hate to see his life-saving go to waste!

So, after the toast to Jeff, Cal made his way over to Ethan - who seemed to be avoiding everything by sitting in the corner. "Room for a little one?"

"Go ahead, Caleb." Ethan said, motioning opposite him.

Cal sat down, and smiled at his little brother. "You know, I'm glad, Ethan."

"I thought we left all that in the peace garden." Ethan stated, sipping his drink - obviously trying to avoid conversation.

"Yeah, well - what can I say? I like it every once in awhile."

Ethan looked stunned. "Okay - well - um - what do I say to that…?" He laughed.

"I'm just glad you're here, Ethan." Cal said seriously, sipping his own drink.

"I'm glad you're here too - even though you went awol for years." The younger joked, making both of them smile.

"To the good times." Cal raised his glass.

Ethan smiled and clinked his glass with Cal's. "To the good times."

Thank you to those who reviewed, favourited and followed this story! I'm so sorry this was posted extremely late, I may have accidentally forgotten a couple of passwords meaning I couldn't access fanfiction. Luckily I finally have it back, and I can get back to posting! Thank you again!