Chapter 14

I'm so sorry it's been so long! I've been swamped with school and holidays and more but I'll try to get back on track with this. MJ2 was amazing! I pretty much cried the whole time! Seriously, as soon as Peeta started talking about the bread, I started crying, and I don't think it stopped the rest of the movie. Lol.

Anyways, here goes.

When I woke up in the morning my head was on my pillow. As I stretched, I realized the bed was empty and suddenly remembered the night before. I sat up trying to get my bearings and heard the sound of the shower running in the next room.

I walked in the kitchen to find Madge frying eggs.

"'Mornin' beautiful," she said in a chipper voice that reminded me of a bird, way too cheery for my comfort. I just groaned in response.

"What time is it?" I mumbled as I poured myself a glass of water.

"Nearly ten," she said. I didn't usually sleep so late, but after last night I figured I deserved some slack.

I heard the shower turn off. "Who's in there?" I asked, though I was fairly certain I already knew.

"I told Peeta he could use the shower," she answered. I thought about complaining that she'd do that without my permission, but thought better of it. It really wasn't a big deal; maybe I was just feeling extra irritable thanks to the headache I could feel coming on.

When Peeta came out of the bathroom I found myself staring at his damp hair, sticking to his forehead and nearly falling in his eyes. His long eyelashes sort of acted as a barrier.

He noticed and gave me a small smile before thanking me for letting him crash here for the night and apologizing that he had to get back to his room to get his books before class. I told him goodbye and tried to ignore the stirring that wanted me to address the state of our relationship. We could talk about that when I didn't have a pounding migraine and the anxiety of a lab report that was due nagging at me.

I walked to my lab that afternoon wishing that Clara, the girl in my lab group who felt the need to ask questions every 10 seconds, might have laryngitis or something that prevented her from being able to talk to today. Not only did she constantly bug the lab TA's with questions, but she also tried to keep conversation going constantly between us. It was exhausting and despite the ibuprofen I'd taken, I really was not feeling it.

For better or worse, the lab assignment that day was demanding so we had little chance to discuss anything but the science. To me, this was less exhausting to think about.

After class I walked with Annie to the bus stop. We exchanged the obligatory "how are you feeling" and we both agreed this Wednesday night business should not become a habit.

"I don't understand how Johanna seems to do this stuff all the time!" I laughed as we waited. "I mean, I don't think I've ever seen her not under the influence or trying to get under the influence."

Annie laughed along but her voice got a little quieter when she responded. "I know… I worry about her so much, but she gets really defensive anytime we try to approach her about it. Finnick's known her a long time and even he usually tries to avoid the topic."

I suddenly felt guilty for my previous laughter. "Oh… I didn't know…" I started, ashamed.

"No, no, it's alright," Annie reassured me. "You wouldn't have known. Johanna's got a pretty rough history… her stepfather was not a good man at all. She was really bitter about letting anyone into her life for a while, but she and Finnick had known each other since kindergarten. After she went to live with her Uncle she got better, but I guess she slipped into some bad habits trying to cope. I'm sorry, I don't mean to gossip, but I thought you should know. If she wants you to know the whole story, I'm sure she'll tell you in her own time."

I nodded, the mood much more somber as we parted ways to head home. I found myself thinking of Johanna differently; from the outside it was easy to judge her as the relentless partier, but much like it was for some of my cousins and friends on the rez, it was a sort of escape from inner trauma. I empathized with her on some level; I didn't know exactly what she had gone through, but I knew what it was like to grow up too fast, to learn at a young age that adults weren't all good-natured and trustworthy and that the only person you could really count on was yourself.

I made a mental note to try to keep myself from developing a similar habit. I had always felt like I had pretty good control of myself, but it seemed you could slowly slip into these methods of release and one day wake up and realize you depended on something so unhealthy.

As the next week went on, I was starting to feel the pressure of college courses. I had little time to myself in early October that wasn't spent studying or going to class. As midterms came, I was becoming exhausted, spending hours at the library each night until I collapsed on my bed one Friday afternoon for a five-hour nap.

There was little mention of what had happened between Peeta and me that night at Finnick's. At first, the tension between us was palpable but we both seemed to be too nervous to bring it up and soon fell back into our comfortable friendship routine. The two weeks of midterms I had to miss Friday brunch with him at the Diner, and when I woke from my nap that Friday, I finally allowed myself to miss it. It was nearly Halloween now, and I was surprised at how the time seemed to fly by.

On Saturday night, we were all hanging out at Finnick's again and I was relieved that we were having a pretty relaxed evening. The next weekend would probably be nonstop with Halloween parties so it seemed we were taking this chance to rest after spending so much time cramming for classes. Even Johanna had restrained herself to sipping a can of beer, significantly calmer than her usual routine.

I found myself yawning as I sat next to Peeta in what had become our spot on the couch. I rested my head on his shoulder and he gently put an arm around me. We sat comfortably this way for a while as our group of friends sat around the rooming talking and watching this movie I'd never heard of about a bunch of British teenagers making fools of themselves in Australia. It was pretty funny.

I was just nodding off when I felt someone slump down next to me. "Hey, brainless," Johanna's voice woke me up. "Awe, look how cute you two are, snuggled up in the corner. How are things with you?" I blushed as I realized what she probably meant when she said "things."

"Oh, let them be, Jo," Finnick called from where Annie was resting on his lap in a floral armchair. Madge looked up from her phone, smiling from whatever was on the screen and lighting up when she noticed us. "Not everyone likes putting labels on things, especially in college." Annie playfully shoved him; it seemed Finnick loved making jokes as if he were some time of playboy, but spending any amount of time with him when Annie was near put that rumor to rest.

Johanna smirked, "I'm just trying to help out my little bro here. So what is it? Are you together? Or are you just using him for your own enjoyment, Katniss?" Even though I knew this was just her personality – sarcasm and embarrassing people she cared about – I felt a panic rise up in my throat at finally having to face this question. I wasn't sure I was ready to call it anything but a friendship. Sure, I had to admit I was attracted to him. But attraction wasn't enough to make any kind of commitment. Did I feel the emotional connection to him as well? I wasn't sure – thinking about loving anyone but Prim made me anxious and I didn't know how to get passed that barrier.

Later, Peeta walked home with Madge and me; he was holding my hand without overthinking the action. Thankfully, the interrogation of our relationship had stopped after something funny happened in the movie, drawing everyone's attention away from my burning face. The universe must've been on my side that night, because Madge didn't mention anything too embarrassing on the walk home either until we were standing outside the door. Madge was brainstorming ideas for her Halloween costume and Peeta was making comments and suggestions, but I was still silent. Halloween was okay, but I wasn't the biggest fan of the holiday that seemed to carry a different meaning for crazed, hormonal college kids.

"What are you gonna be, Katniss?" Madge brought me into the discussion.

"Oh, um… I don't know, do I have to be something?" I asked though I knew how Madge would respond.

She huffed, "Oh, come on, it'll be fun! You two should go as some kind of matched pair."

I rolled my eyes and saw Peeta smile bashfully, waiting for my response to go along with. Smart boy, playing it safe. I looked down at our hands that were still joined, and momentarily forgot what we were talking about when Madge started listing ideas. They were all cringeworthy: Batman and Robin, Peter Pan and Tinkerbelle, other cheesy pop culture duos. Peeta chuckled as she carried on happily, but I was getting annoyed.

"Whatever Madge, I'm not dressing up as any of those things and you know it," I huffed, wanting to go inside.

She stared at me, looking frustrated. What else did she expect? "Fine. You think of something by Thursday, or I will dress you up as something of my choice, even if I have to strap you down." At that she turned and opened the door, marching to her room and leaving Peeta and me alone in the doorway.

"She's so irritating," I mumbled as he turned to face me, taking my other hand in his as well.

He just smiled. "She's just pushing your buttons. She wants you to have fun," he defended her. I pouted at him for taking her side, though I knew he was teasing me.

After a moment we both fell silent again, though it felt anything but calm to me as my thoughts froze, trying to decide on what to do next and only coming up with run away fast!

"I've, uh, missed hanging out with you like this," he started, nervous despite the confidence his voice always projected. "Exams are exhausting," he stated simply.

"Yeah," I agreed, not coming up with any better response. There was the silent tension again.

"Um, listen, Katniss, I…" he cut off, trying to find the best way to say whatever it was he wanted to say. "I like you, I really like you, but it seems you're kind of… hesitant. So I just wanted you to know that you shouldn't feel pressured to define, um, whatever this is," he gestured between us, still holding both of my hands. "I mean, I'm just happy to be friends with you."

Despite his statement explicitly telling me not to feel like I owed him some kind of commitment, I suddenly felt guilty like I owed him some kind of commitment. Why did I always have to do the opposite of what people said?

He was looking at me, waiting for my response and trying to control the nervousness in his expression. I racked my brain trying to put the words together before speaking.

"I, um…" off to a great start, Katniss, I thought to myself. "Thank you," I said, genuinely appreciative that he was trying to make me the most comfortable. However, comfort and me didn't exactly go together very easily. I was kicking myself for such a lame response, but he seemed to understand what I was getting at. His gaze dropped from my eyes momentarily and I realized he was glancing at my lips, silently asking permission. Normally, I would've ran and hid at such a situation, but for some reason I gave in to my reflexes and leaned in to kiss him, soft but lingering, before whispering goodnight. I squeezed his hands before withdrawing mine from his grasp and walking inside, taking a mental photograph of the sleepy smile that was on his face as I shut the door.

As I got ready for bed, I could only come up with one thought: I definitely don't deserve this boy.