a/n: . . . hi. how many months has it been? *hides*

well, things happened + writer's block, so i apologise for the extreme delay. reality is so. annoying. i'm still v busy but i couldn't resist the allure of dennor, so here it is.

ah, and i've posted this on ao3 too (i'm finding it much more convenient than tbh), so if you wish to, you can go read it there! it's under the same title (which i've changed, if you've noticed /cough)

updates might still be sporadic, but worry not, i am not giving this up. i hope you'll enjoy this!

(still severely unedited; please hmu if you're interested in beta reading this bc i simply have no time, ugh)

THE ART OF FALLING APART

"Still round the corner there may wait,

A new road or a secret gate."

― J. R. R. Tolkein

Chapter II: Perseverance

"You're early!"

Lukas looked up from his book and glanced at the man bouncing beside him. He gave a short nod before turning back to his book.

"Luukas!" Lukas felt his eye twitch as a face popped up between him and his book. "Talk to me! You've read Norska a million times!"

"Vladimir. Stop."

Vladimir whooped and sat down on the barstool beside him with a thump as Lukas let out a resigned sigh and snapped his book shut and stuffed it inside his satchel. It was not like he was going to get any reading done now that this menace was here. A menace who happened to be one of the closest people he considered as his friends.

Lukas felt really sorry for himself sometimes.

"Where's Artie?"

"With Alfred."

"Ew." Vlad wrinkled his nose and gagged. "I didn't need to know that."

Lukas raised an eyebrow. "I didn't say anything – "

"Dirty, I know." Vlad said and tacked on expressively. "But it's Alfred and Artie we're talking about here."

Lukas really couldn't argue with that.

When Lukas didn't reply – he really didn't have any response, to be honest, a situation which he faced on a daily basis – Vlad spoke up.

"So when's our shift?"

"Half an hour before Lovino and Yong Soo get off."

Vlad groaned and dropped his head with a thud on the bar. "Ugh."

Lukas snorted. "Did Georgi finally tire of you and throw you out of the house?"

Vlad blew a raspberry at him. "Oh, ha. He has to get to work early so he forced me to get up too. He dropped me off here." He scowled. "I hate saving money."

"It's a good habit," Lukas replied, tapping his fingers on the bar. Vlad hummed in response.

A beat passed.

"So how's little Emil doing?"

Lukas looked at Vlad for a moment before saying. "Good. Stable." Alive.

Vlad's face lit up and he nodded. "I'll drop by today with you. "

This was what Lukas liked about Vladimir. He was usually like an overexcitable overgrown puppy but he had a good heart. And he actually cared about Emil, didn't just pretend to. No one really went to the lengths to even visit Emil regularly but Vladimir and Arthur. They were probably the closest of Lukas' friends and the only ones who had pushed to be with him even when he tried to burrow inside his shell. He had been too problematic for others.

It was . . . nice.

"Ah, Lukas! Vlad!" a voice cut in before Lukas could reply. "You're here. Thank goodness."

Lukas and Vlad simultaneously looked up see an exasperated Arthur dragging along a grinning (grinning as in crazily; he was clearly inebriated) Alfred over to the bar. Vlad chirped a hey, waving frantically, almost knocking Lukas off his barstool.

"Arthur." Lukas said nonchalantly, grasping Vlad's flailing arm and twisting it. "Alfred. Hello."

"I'm awfully sorry," Arthur said, supporting an unsteady Alfred's waist with the larger man's arm draped across his shoulder. He expertly ignored the painful shrieks of Vladimir who was steadily turning purple in the face."But since you guys are already here would you mind doing me a – fuck, Alfred, stop it!" Arthur cut off abruptly and squawked in indignation as Alfred's free hand smacked his backside. "Did you just slap my rump?" Arthur looked furious.

"That's a bloody fine lookin' rump" Alfred slurred in the most horrible English accent Lukas had ever heard and topped it off with a giant wink.

"You giant, bloody son of – "

"I'll take care of the bar." Lukas said, standing up and brushing his lap of non-existent dust. "Don't worry. I'll make sure Vlad and Yong don't burn the place down. I'll be starting my shift now." He glanced at Alfred before slinging his satchel over his shoulder. "Take him home."

Arthur smiled at him and nodded once. "I'll be back in two hours," he promised, "And pay you extra for this. Thank you, Lukas."

"You have pretty hair," Alfred broke in conversationally, rubbing a few strands of Arthur's hair between his fingers. "And eyebrows. I love your eyebrows." Alfred paused in rubbing Arthur's head before leaning forward and whispering not-so-quietly to him. "I love you."

Arthur flushed and pulled away from him but quickly reinstated his arm around the larger man when he wobbled. "Ah. . ." he mumbled awkwardly. "I'll be going now. Thank you again, Lukas." He turned and gently led Alfred away leaving Vlad and Lukas blankly staring after them.

"Well," Vlad said. "That happened."

Lukas nodded tightly. "Good for them," he mumbled.

He gripped the strap of his bag tighter and moved to the staff room.

"Oi, wait!" Vlad yelped, hurrying to catch up to him.

The room wasn't much. It was small and had a series of cubby holes built into the far side of the wall. Each hole was assigned to a staff member. It was weird, unconventional and susceptible to thieves (but any thief would be subjected to Arthur's wrath so that was very, very rare; the man might look scrawny but he packed quite a punch), but it was like Lukas' second home. When Arthur had been younger, his brothers had owned the Royale Tavern but Arthur managed to sneak him and Vlad in countless times and the three of them held their own little book club every weekend. Lukas was fairly sure that these small escapes from reality when Arthur read aloud from Shakespeare standing over them, the words he'd almost learnt by heart pouring out of him, when Vladimir read out from the most torrid vampire romance novels, his words nearly indistinguishable between his giggles and when they just laid down on the floor talking about their lives, their hopes, their dreams – these moments were the only things that pulled him through the hell that is high school.

Lukas really, really loved this stupid room. (Not that anyone had to know.)

"You want a ride after shift ends?" Vlad said, breaking him from his thoughts, as he took off his jacket and stuffed it into his cubby hole. Lukas sighed and pushed his satchel inside his own hole and went over to Vlad to take his jacket out and fold it neatly.

"I don't want to bother you," Lukas replied.

"Lukas." Vlad reprimanded, now struggling to pin his nametag properly. "You never bother me. You never bother anyone. Come on. And I said I want to see the little guy today too, right?"

Lukas pushed Vlad's fumbling fingers away and pinned his nametag with a refined stroke. "Whatever," he muttered. And then, after a moment, after pushing his jacket inside his hole and pinning on his own silver nametag:

"Thank you." It was barely a whisper.

Vlad's face lit up and he opened the door. "Anything for one of my BFFs, yeah?"

Lukas glared at him as he passed by him. "Say that again and I will rip out your throat."

Vlad shuddered as he followed him. "Geh. Violent."

"Always." Lukas slipped behind the bar and nodded at Lovino and Yong Soo. Lovino just grunted in greeting Yong Soo beamed at them from where he was pouring out drinks (and consequently chatting off the ears of) for a familiar tired looking blonde woman.

"Aren't you guys too early?"

"We are." Lukas replied.

Vlad just patted the Italian's head earning a slap to his hand. "We can manage this," he continued, undeterred, "You both can go home now," he elaborated.

"Thank fucking goodness. I can't take that shitty giant sized Korean pain the ass. " Lukas snorted at the eloquent insult. Lovino had a way with words.

Lukas watched as Lovino stalked off to the staff room before glancing at Vladimir questioningly who just shrugged and raised his hands defensively. "Less people for you to manage. And it's, like, 10 AM. Less customers." He gestured toward the five people scattered on the couches. "I'm sure we can deal with it."

"Whatever." Lukas mumbled as Yong Soo bounded over to them. "Hey, hey, was that Lovi? We can go? But we've got, like, fifteen more minutes le – "

Vlad patted his shoulder. "S'okay. We'll take care of it. Gives Lukas less people to take care of."

Yong Soo laughed good-naturedly. "Sure. Thanks guys!" He turned slightly and waved enthusiastically at the blonde he'd been giving a drink too before. She stared at him unresponsively before turning back to her drink. "She loves me," Yong Soo confided to them and gave her a huge wink.

"Whatever you say, kid," laughed Vladimir. "Now, off you go."

"Yep! Bye, dudes." Yong Soo sped off after one last glance at the woman.

Vlad sighed and leaned against the bar. The bar was mostly empty. There were only three people scattered around now, their noses buried in their drinks. As Lukas grabbed a washcloth and a random glass just to do something, he couldn't help but succumb under the depressing atmosphere. The morning shifts were relaxing but were tinged with emptiness. Only the sad and lonely came in the mornings.

Lukas wondered what the blonde woman's story was. She came here every morning dressed in a sharp fitting suit, ordered a single glass of vodka and nursed her drink until Yong Soo's shift ended, after which she hovered around for a few more minutes before paying her tab and going away. As if sensing him thinking about her, the woman stood up abruptly and murmured something indecipherable. Vladimir shot up to her to collect her tab.

Lukas sighed as he watched her walk away. It was going to be another long two hours.

"Miri!"

"Hey, squirt!"

Lukas smiled faintly as Emil's face lit up.

Vladimir sat down on the edge of Emil's bed and ruffled his hair.

"How's my favourite kid doing?"

"I'm good!" Emil chirped before crinkling his nose in confusion. "But isn't Ion your favourite kid?"

"Ah," Vladimir leaned forward and whispered loudly to him, "he thinks he is, but shh. But you'll always be my number one."

Emil giggled and pressed his index finger to his lips and nodded. Vladimir giggled along and whispered something inaudible to Lukas in his ear and Emil sneaked a glance at his brother and laughed harder.

Lukas sighed and slapped Vladimir's head before sitting down on the other side of the bet. "Stop corrupting his mind. He's ten."

"Oh, poo," Vladimir stuck his tongue out at him. "You brother is such a spoilsport, Emil."

Emil started to nod before seeing the look on Lukas' face and opted to shake his head furiously. Lukas relaxed his glare and his lips quirked up into a faint smile.

"Oi!" Vladimir protested. (Seriously, Lukas thought wryly, the man was still a child.) "You can't just use that scary face of yours to get him on your team!"

Lukas shrugged. "I see no law against it. You're being a baby."

Vladimir's jaw fell open and he whipped towards Emil his mouth working in mock protest. "Emil!" he whined. "Your brother's being a meanie!"

The young boy was trying very hard – and failing – to stifle his laughter. "But," he said, between giggles, " you started it, Uncle Miri!"

"Uncle?!" Vlad's hand flew to his chest and he moaned, "I am not old. No, no, no. I refuse to accept this." He stood up, drawing to his full length as Emil roared with laughter and Lukas snickered. "You . . . you guys are horrible." He drew his phone from his pocket and shook it vigorously. "You know what? I'll be going to call Arthur Kirkland now, my one true friend since Emil and his evil big brother have apparently abandoned me."

Vladimir sniffed derisively and stormed out of the room. Emil's laughter faded as he watched Vladimir go. "He's not really – "

"No." Lukas smiled softly and reached out to squeeze his little hand grasping the sheets. "Not offended. Just being Miri. He'll be back."

Emil picked up his smile again. "Okay!" He paused before continuing, "Why didn't Artie come?"

"Alfred was being stupid."

"Oh." Emil nodded understandingly. "Poor Uncle Artie," he said morosely.

Lukas smiled. The boy reminded him of himself sometimes. "Yes," he agreed, "Poor uncle Artie."

"Can I read my book now?"

"Of course." Lukas picked up the dog-eared copy of Harry Potter and handed it to Emil, earning a 'thank you!" from him. He watched as his brother flicked over to the page he'd left off at and buried himself in words. It was almost normal, this atmosphere. Except the fact that they were in a cramped hospital room. And that there were those beeping machines hooked up to his little brother. And that unnerving smell of death that hovered around in every hospital.

(Lukas was tired.)

The sound of turning pages was the only thing that interrupted the deafening silence. Something inside Lukas' chest twisted as Emil turned a page the tube attached to the back of his hand glinting in the sunlight falling into the room through the windows. He didn't have his beautiful pale blond hair (their mother's hair) anymore and his skin seemed to stick to his bones. He looked so fragile – like Lukas could just touch him and he would fall apart.

Just when he could feel his mind drifting off into dangerous territory, Emil broke in.

"Lukie, what does this word mean?"

Lukas blinked and stared at Emil for a second before leaning forward. "Which one?"

He leaned forward.

Distractions, he mused as he settled back down in the hard plastic chair and Emil resumed reading, feeling considerably calmer, they do help.

(An image of wild blond hair and blue, blue eyes and The Smile flashed through his mind.

– "you're more interesting than polishing tables" –

– "you look very . . . I don't know, sad? I want to change that." –

Distractions.

He clamped down on the image, because no.

Lukas wondered how the hell he was going to go to the café tomorrow.)

Lukas stopped short two blocks away from the café and bemoaned his entire existence.

"Hej!" the blond monstrosity practically screamed, earning disgruntled looks from the few people around at 6 AM in the morning. "Lukie, heyyy! Hey, why are you walking away? Lukie!"

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Lukas paused in walking away and glanced at the graffiti splattered walls of the building beside him, wondering if he could blend in with them so as to avoid the fucking shitfuck who had now stopped waving wildly and was bounding towards him.

He watched disdainfully as the man stopped in front of him, bending forward to rest his hands on his knees, panting.

"You have a job," he grit out as the man straightened.

Matthias smiled that stupid smile of his and nodded. "That I do! And I happened to notice that you're going the same way as me." He held up his arm. "Shall we?"

Lukas stared dumbly at the offered arm. "Um."

He glanced up at the man who was still smiling and looking at him expectantly.

"You're weird," he said bluntly.

"I know," the man chirped. "And annoying, I've heard. But I like it. It's better to be something than nothing."

Well, that was surprisingly poignant of him.

"It's two blocks," Lukas tried.

"Two whole blocks. What if you get mugged along the way?"

Well then.

"I'm not holding your arm," Lukas said lamely. He'd lost.

Matthias lit up like the fucking Christmas tree. "Deal!"

He put down his arm and started to walk (or rather, skip). They were silent for the entirety of the walk (which wasn't much, to be honest). It wasn't awkward in the least; but more of a companiable sort of silence with Matthias humming a song under his breath (not Norwegian, Lukas realized, but Danish).

They paused at the doors and Matthias turned to grin at him (he did that a lot; was a human supposed to have infinite amounts of sunshine?).

"Well, I gotta get screamed at by my evil little brother now!" he said. "Don't take orders from wayward waiters and wait for me, yeah?" For the first time since Lukas had met him, his demeanor changed. Something akin to nervousness flashed through his eyes and he rubbed the back of his neck. "I mean, if you want to. I'm not forcing you or anything."

Lukas stared at him for a moment before succumbing to internal turmoil. Holy shit. Holy shit. Why was his heart doing things? There was nothing remotely romantic about this, but that face, there was something about the way he bit his lip and the light in eyes shined like wow, were eyes supposed to be so blue were people supposed to be so beautiful could Matthias hear his pounding heart –

He looked away, his ears burning, and huffed out gruffly, "Yeah, okay, whatever, fine."

Matthias almost glowed with joy.

"Yeah," he said.

"Yeah," Lukas mumbled.

"Are you guys going to come in already?" a voice interrupted them, and Lukas jerked his eyes away from Matthias to look at Timo looking at them with an exasperated yet fond look on his face. "You're blocking the doors. And Matthias you're late."

If anything, Lukas felt more colour rise to his cheeks. He involuntarily tightened his hold on his satchel's strap and mumbled a 'yes' before ducking past Timo, away from Matthias defending himself.

This feelings thing was going to be a problem.

useless author's useless a/n: reviews inspire the shit out of me ;v;