Warning: I feel obligated to mention that there are some harsh, anti-gay statements made by the bad guy. Also, there is a piece to the plot that could be viewed as non-con or dub-con. The story isn't going to venture into that territory but if you're sensitive to that sort of thing, it might bother you.
Author's Note: Set sometime in season three, when coming out of the closet was a bigger deal than it is now. I'm using it to fill the secret identity discovered prompt on my hurt/comfort bingo card.

Razor's Edge

Eventually you will come to understand
that love heals everything, and love is all there is.
–Gary Zukav

Chapter One: Lies of Omission

Tony sat at his desk, writing as quickly but neatly as he could. He was almost done with his case report, finally. He'd already rewritten it twice and he was sure his current time would be the last time. Tim and Ziva were just as quiet as he was which was unusual for the group, especially when Gibbs wasn't around, but they were all trying to finish their reports and even though no one had verbalized it, they all wanted to be first. Tony was positive he was going to win their little unspoken contest that time.

The mail person walked through the bullpen, dropping an envelope on Tim's desk, a package on Tony's and a small stack of mail on Gibbs' vacant desk but the mail was ignored while the competition continued. When Tony didn't bother with the sarcastic comment about her not getting any mail, Ziva glanced over at him, still writing on her paper as she did. As much as Tony hated to pass up an opportunity to tease her, he was more focused on finishing his report.

"Almost done," Ziva said in an attempt to frazzle the others.

Tony ignored her comment as he scribbled his name across the bottom of the page then stacked the papers, stapled them and walked them over to Gibbs' desk with a bounce in his step and a satisfied smirk on his face. Ziva grumbled at the display and Tim rolled his eyes as Tony made even more of a scene of neatly laying the report front and center so it was the first thing Gibbs would see when he returned.

"So you beat us one time," Ziva conceded.

"Big deal," Tim added.

"Jealously does not look good on either of you," Tony replied as he returned to his desk. He picked up the large, neon pink envelope he'd received in the mail and cocked his head at it. Who would send him something in such a hideous envelope?

"Are you giving your girlfriends your work address again?" Ziva teased, tapping her pen against her lip as she studied her teammate.

"Don't you have a report to finish, Ziva?" Tony asked in response as he looked the envelope over. There was no return address on it and despite the feminine color choice, his name and address appeared to be scrawled by a man's hand. He pulled his letter opener out and easily slid it across the seam then poured the contents out onto his desk. There was a single piece of paper with a picture paper clipped to it.

Tony—

Meet me at Dunkin Donuts outside the front gate.

Tony narrowed his eyes, even more confused by the note. There was still no name or clue about who it was from, why it had ended up on his desk or what the sender's intentions were. All that changed when he removed the paperclip so he could get a look at the photograph. He immediately felt his stomach drop as he stared into the eyes of his eighteen year old self, engaged in sexual relations with one of the other fraternity hopefuls at Ohio State.

He quickly hid the explicit photo behind the note again as he swallowed back the bile rising in his throat.

"Problem, Tony?" Ziva asked.

Tony swallowed hard, his eyes closed tight as his subconscious did battle against the memory that had all of a sudden been brought to the forefront of his mind. "Nope," he squeaked out, doing his best to sound normal.

"Are you sure?" Tim asked. "Because judging by the look on your face, either you're constipated or something's wrong."

Tony ignored the goading as he stood from his desk and grabbed his leather jacket. "Cover for me," he called over his shoulder, tugging the jacket on before he hurried off towards the elevator.

Dunkin Donuts wasn't very busy at 3:00 in the afternoon on a weekday. Tony scanned the cars in the parking lot before parking then scanned the faces in the coffee shop before immediately recognizing one of his frat brothers. He took a deep, calming breath and released it slowly before making his way over to the table, the photograph and note tucked safely away in the inner pocket of his jacket. He didn't sit down when he made it to the table but instead stood, looking down at the man from his past.

"I take it you got my note?"

"The hell is this, Jonah?" Tony asked angrily.

"Have a seat," Jonah said. "Let's talk."

"I really don't wanna talk to you."

"I think you know you don't have much of a choice," Jonah said cockily as he looked up at Tony. "That picture I have of you being fucked by another guy, crying like a baby, that's only the tip of the iceberg, my friend."

"We're not friends," Tony growled.

"I'm hurt."

"You will be," Tony threatened.

"I'm not afraid of you, Tony," Jonah said. "Sit down. I don't think you want me talking very loud. The coffee's for you."

Tony looked from Jonah to the coffee cup in front of the vacant chair before flopping down in the seat and pushing the drink away from him. "What do you want?"

"I need your help."

"Forget it," Tony said.

"Let me rephrase that," Jonah said, the patience in his voice fading, "you will help me or your boss, Leroy Jethro Gibbs, and all your little friends will know what kind of sissy faggot is watching their backs. Just think what would've happened if I'd have accidentally put Ziva's name on that envelope or Tim's or maybe Abby's or Leroy's. Coulda been interesting."

"What do you want?" Tony huffed.

"I wanna know if Metro's issued any warrants for any familiar names," Jonah answered vaguely.

"I don't work for the local police, you dumb ass," Tony said.

"You're a federal agent," Jonah said. "I know you've got contacts. You can probably hack. Hell, you probably have access to all their records without hacking."

"I have better things to do than spy on Metro."

"Not anymore," Jonah said. "Tonight's a big night for me, Tony. If anything goes wrong, your face, all red and tear stained while you take it up the ass, is going to be all over NCIS and maybe even a couple other agencies. In fact, it wouldn't take much for every law enforcement agency on the east coast to find out about the real Anthony DiNozzo. You'd never work again."

Tony tried to keep his bravado up but it was quickly fading. His body was shaking, his hands trembling and his stomach revolting. He wanted to disappear but all he could do was sit there and glare across the table at the man who had the power to ruin his life. "What names am I looking for?"

"Any that are familiar," Jonah answered vaguely.

"This would be much easier if you'd just give me some names," Tony said.

"Easier for you maybe," Jonah replied, "but I don't much care about how easy or difficult things are for you."

"How do I get a hold of you if there's a problem?" Tony asked.

Jonah looked over at him and smiled. "Be creative." He threw his napkin down on the table then stood and left.

Tony waited for the door to the coffee shop to open and close and Jonah's sports car to roar to life followed by squealing tires announcing his departure before he finally took another breath. He had a major problem and he didn't dare ask anyone for help.

"Where's DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked, all business as he strolled into the bullpen.

"Running an errand," Tim answered.

"I figured that," Gibbs grunted. "Where the hell is he?"

"I really couldn't tell you, Boss," Tim replied. "He didn't say."

Gibbs looked over at Tony's empty desk before sitting down at his own desk. When he saw his SFA's report in front of him, he decided to give the man a break, pulled his pen out of his drawer and started going over it. Nearly thirty minutes passed before Tony finally came dragging back into the bullpen. Gibbs was getting ready to scold him when he noticed how pale Tony was.

"DiNozzo, you alright?"

"Fine, Boss," Tony muttered.

"Go check in with Abby, see how she's coming with her report."

"Me?" Tony asked without thinking.

"I'm looking at you, Tony," Gibbs said. "Problem?"

"Um, is there any way McGee could do that? Something came up."

"Is this about your errand?" Gibbs asked.

"Kinda," Tony admitted reluctantly.

Gibbs stared at Tony for a long moment before replying. "McGee, go check in with Abby."

"Yes, Boss," Tim said.

"Thank you, Boss," Tony said, wishing, once again, that he could disappear under the scrutiny of another intense gaze.

Tony stood just inside the door of his apartment breathing deeply and quickly. Too quickly. He was starting to feel lightheaded and knew he needed to calm himself down immediately. He'd crossed a line that afternoon and even though nothing had come of it, he couldn't help but feel guilty as sin.

What Tony felt most guilty about was lying to Gibbs. Sure, there had been no familiar names on any of Metro PD's BOLOs and Tony wasn't entirely convinced he would've told Jonah if there were but something was going down, something big and he hadn't said one single word to Gibbs about it. It was a lie of omission and if there was one thing Tony hated, it was lying to Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

He groaned as he sank down to the floor and dropped his head into his hands. At least his breathing had slowed enough that he was actually getting air into his lungs and much needed oxygen to his cells but he still felt a little like he might pass out. He couldn't remember ever being so disappointed in himself.

Maybe a hot shower and a change of clothes would do him some good. Then he could distract himself with a movie or listen to music. He tried to persuade himself to get up off the floor and go do something, anything to distract him from his misery but his body wouldn't obey. Hours after the meeting with Jonah, fear continued to permeate his being. He knew Gibbs would find out eventually and his fear of the disappointment his friend and mentor would have in him had his forehead wrinkling and his lower lip trembling.

Why did the past always seem to find a way into the present? Why couldn't the bad things he'd buried long ago stay buried? This secret would not only cost him his job, it would shame him out of getting any law enforcement job anywhere on the eastern seaboard. Maybe the whole situation would blow over. Technically he'd done what Jonah had asked. It was over.

He literally laughed out loud. Over. It wasn't over. He was their bitch… again. There was no way Jonah was planning on making the favor a onetime deal. Joining the fraternity may have seemed like sunshine and puppies on the outside but if he'd been smarter or taken two seconds to notice what was really going on, he would've realized it was a living nightmare and now it was all coming back to haunt him again.

Tony reluctantly reached into his jacket pocket and pulled the envelope out. Pink. Originally the unusually bold color had confused him but he knew now that it was meant to be a stab at him being gay. He wasn't gay but that didn't seem to matter to Jonah or his other frat brothers. Brothers. They weren't his brothers. All they'd ever done was use him. He mentally berated himself for being so dumb; so desperate to fit in. He wasn't one of the guys. He never had been.

His fingers found their way into the envelope and he slipped the picture out but closed his eyes so he didn't have to see it. He needed to see it; needed to know how bad it was no matter how hard it was to look. After another deep breath, he opened his eyes and looked down at the photograph. He was lying on his back on the cool ground. Two guys were helping him keep his legs up while another pledge was fucking him. Hell week had been true in every sense of the word but he'd gotten into the fraternity. He'd been accepted and he was too stupid to realize the only reason he'd gotten in was so they could continue to use him.

All in all the picture wasn't too bad, he decided. His face was red from crying but perhaps to the unknowing eye he could've just been overheated or embarrassed. If he squinted a little it just looked like two guys having sex. Maybe it wasn't so bad after all. So he'd experimented in college. Who hadn't? Besides, he hadn't done it again. Being gay wasn't socially acceptable back then but people were slowly realizing it wasn't anything to make a big deal out of. Maybe the picture wouldn't cost him his job after all.

He tucked the photograph back into the envelope, pulled himself up off the floor and made his way back to his bedroom, stripping out of his expensive clothes and not even bothering to hang them up as he went. After hiding the picture in a pile of magazines he headed down the hall to the bathroom. Surely a hot shower would help him feel better.

The following day passed without incident. Tony decided he wouldn't help Jonah again, no matter what the man said. He'd call his bluff, maybe tell him his coworkers already knew he'd experimented with a man in the past. He didn't care what he had to say or do, he wasn't going to help Jonah or whoever else was involved in whatever scheme they had going on. He wouldn't cross that line.

Putting on a brave face all day at work to hide the panic and terror building on the inside left Tony feeling exhausted by the time he got home. That and he hadn't slept at all the night before. After a hot shower and three fingers of bourbon, he'd gone right to bed. He couldn't deal with another day of fending off his coworkers' probing questions and comments about him looking like hell. He needed to get back to normal and the sooner the better.

He wasn't sure if it was the fact that Jonah hadn't contacted him that day, the hot shower or the bourbon but he went right to sleep. There was no eighteen year old version of himself staring back at him from his dreams, no Jonah, no nothing, just an exhausted sleep.

"Nice to see you back to your old self again, Tony," Tim said, lifting his hand which was attached to his computer mouse with superglue.

"The keyboard was getting too predictable," Tony said with a bright grin.

"I'll be in the lab if Gibbs asks," Tim said.

"Don't trip over the cord," Tony called after him helpfully.

Ziva sat across from Tony smiling as Tim left. "I am pretty sure he is never going to learn," she said when they were alone.

"I am pretty sure you are right," Tony said mimicking her tone.

"Looks like somebody has a secret admirer," the mail person commented as she handed Tony another pink envelope.

Tony's eyes grew wide and he stared at the envelope. The mail person got tired of holding it and dropped it onto his desk.

"Problem?" Ziva asked.

"No, no problem," Tony lied.

"Are you going to open that?"

Tony swallowed hard as he opened his desk drawer and pulled out his letter opener. He tapped it against his desk a few times before cautiously picking up the envelope and opening it. He peeked inside instead of dumping it on his desk and was relieved to see only a piece of paper. He pulled it out and read it.

Dunkin Donuts. 3:00.

This was it. It was time for him to stand up for himself. You can do this, Anthony, he told himself. He grabbed his badge and his gun and steeled himself. He was a federal agent. He'd learned from the best. No one had ever intimidated him before and he wasn't going to let Jonah be the first.

"Cover for me," he told Ziva.

"Again?" Ziva asked.

"Last time. I promise." And with that he was gone.

Tony entered the donut shop with a lot more confidence the second time. He'd spent the short ride there psyching himself up for the visit. He reminded himself that the photo didn't show much except for him and another guy having sex. He might take some ragging for that but it wasn't enough of the story to do any real damage and if he gave it a little thought, he could spin the story into something that wasn't that big of a deal. He walked over to the table Jonah was sitting at and didn't bother to sit down.

"I'm not playing your game anymore, Jonah," he said boldly.

Jonah laughed, amused at Tony's bold stand but he didn't seem the least bit worried. "Sit down. I bought you a coffee."

"I'm not staying," Tony said firmly. "I'm not checking for anymore names or doing anything else you want. I may have been your bitch in college but that's over. Contact me again and I'll bring Metro with me to arrest your sorry ass."

"Sit down, DiNozzo. I have something to show you." Jonah pulled out his phone and let Tony get a glance at the screen. It was a video of Tony and the pledge he'd had sex with, right before everything had gone down.

Tony once again felt his stomach drop. He didn't need to watch that video to know what happened next. Unlike the picture, he knew the contents of the video had the potential to change his life forever.

"Sit down," Jonah repeated. He had Tony right where he wanted him. A scared teenager who was eager to please and would do anything to keep his secret. "I need you to take a look at Boston PD's records. There's another delivery coming in tonight."

Tony sat as Jonah played the video. There was no sound but Tony didn't need to hear the sound. "Turn it off," he said.

"I thought you'd like this," Jonah said, feigning hurt. "You got to star in your own little gay porn movie."

"I'm not gay."

"Still lying to yourself I see. We let you lie to yourself back in Ohio too, mainly just to keep you happy. Even gave you that stupid but very fitting nickname. Sex machine. That's all you really were. A machine, screwing all those girls, trying to convince yourself you were straight. To them, you were just a hard dick, a machine."

Tony clenched his fists under the table, unsure if he was more hurt or angry. Why did he feel so powerless in the presence of someone who was nothing more than a bully?

"Now that I have your attention," Jonah continued, "it's time to play ball."

Tony swallowed hard, mustering up the courage he'd felt when he'd walked into the donut shop. "No," he said shaking his head.

"No?" Jonah asked.

"That's right. No. I won't do it. If you know what's good for you, you won't call me again."

"If I know what's good for me? Do you know what's good for you, DiNozzo? I suppose I could always pay your boss a visit instead. I hear he always leaves his door unlocked. Is he still on East Laurel in Alexandria? I'm sure he'd be interested to know he's got a fag working for him and I know he'd be interested to learn you're already an accomplice in my little scheme. That favor you did us a couple days ago, that makes you just as guilty as we are."

"I won't do it, Jonah," Tony said firmly. "Call me again and I'll bring Metro along to arrest you." He stood and left without turning back.

Tony barely made it into the building before he had to race to the bathroom and empty his bowels. He wished he had a bottle of Pepto-Bismol to nurse. His stomach was killing him. He felt even more sick than he had when he'd gotten the picture.

Once he was sure there was nothing else left to come out he headed for the elevator and took it up to the squad room. Tim was back and no longer had his computer mouse attached to his hand and Ziva was giving him a look that clearly meant something was up.

"DiNozzo," Gibbs said coming up behind him, "with me."

Tony looked from Gibbs back to Ziva who shrugged. "Where we going, Boss?" he asked nervously as he chased after Gibbs.

"Conference room," Gibbs said.

"Is this about me taking another break?"

"You tell me."

What did that mean? What did Gibbs know? Had Jonah sent Gibbs the video while Tony had been driving back to the building? Suddenly Tony wasn't feeling so well again. Gibbs opened the door and Tony followed him in to find Fornell sitting next to Agent Sacks at the table.

"DiNozzo," Fornell greeted with a friendly nod of the head.

"What's going on?" Tony asked as he sat down next to Gibbs.

"Do you know this man?" Fornell asked, sliding a picture across the table.

Tony picked up the picture and looked at it. "Looks kinda like Jonah O'Dell," he said. "He was one of my frat brothers in college."

"Looks kind of like him?" Sacks asked, the snark in his voice unmistakable. "We saw you meet him at Dunkin Donuts twice this week."

"Yeah," Tony admitted. "Got a note from him the other day. He wanted to catch up." Tony wasn't going to go looking for trouble. If he sent them to Jonah the pictures and video and whatever else Jonah had on him would surely get out. This way maybe he'd get lucky and Jonah would just disappear when he realized the FBI was closing in and Tony wasn't going to help him.

"What'd you guys talk about?" Fornell asked.

"That's none of your business," Tony said.

"DiNozzo," Gibbs said. "Do you know anything?"

"Anything about what?" Tony asked angrily. "Something illegal? No. I don't. I know Jonah's in town and we've met for coffee a couple times. Have none of you ever met an old friend for coffee to catch up?"

Gibbs narrowed his eyes at Tony's sudden burst of anger. Something was going on with him but Gibbs wasn't sure what and there was no way in hell he was going to try to get it out of the man in front of their guests. He trusted Tony to tell him if something was wrong but Tony had denied it and that was enough for Gibbs. "Get back to work," he said. "No more unauthorized middle of the afternoon breaks."

"Yes, Boss," Tony said before hurrying out. He knew he'd dodged a huge bullet, knew he hadn't been completely honest but self-preservation had won out that time. Technically he hadn't lied. He didn't know what was going on and he hadn't tipped Jonah off about anything either. It was flimsy and more than a little lame but he hadn't done anything too terribly wrong.

"This is not good, Anthony," he muttered to himself, "this is not good at all."