OK, guys, I am usually a bit skeptical about warnings like "thoughts of suicide" or "self-harm" or "anxiety" or anything like this, because Supernatural simply screams "emotional disorder". I figured that if someone likes the show, he or she must be immune to this king of triggers. This time, though, I kinda feel like I should give you a warning. You'll find much self-loathing here and pretty heavy I guess, so, yeah. You've been warned.

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love, I did

And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot, I did

(...)

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worse
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know

And thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love and words
Empty promises will wear
I know
I know and now

When all is done, there is nothing to say
And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible

Jamse Arthur "Impossible"

Your mind is clear. You have decided. It was his fault - only his fault - so this time you won't let yourself be fooled into guilt and self-loathing. Why then is every fiber of your body, every muscle and vein revolting against this resolution? Why can you taste the bitterness of guilt that your bones are imbued with? Even though you try to fight it - that's right, it was only self-preservation, a stupid instinct that made him shove the accusation into your face - you realize that there is no victory here. What if he was right? What if none of this would have happened if you really let him know that he could rely on you? If you actually let him feel loved? What if it wasn't as easy for him as it seems to you now; what if he really thought he had no choice?

Maybe it's easier this way. You are so used to this mental flagellation that it doesn't even hurt anymore. The curses you hiss under your breath, clenching your fists, are no novelty to you. Punishing yourself for what you think you've done brings respite; though bitter and dark, it is peaceful.

Yes. It's certainly easier this way. You can hate yourself, you can mistrust yourself, you can think that you are selfish scum, but you can't let yourself lose the faith in him. There are things in this world that should never be challenged, that should never be tarnished.

Your mind wanders around the last time you had seen him before... before it all went to hell. You were so close to asking him to stay - no, to begging him to stay - but instead you laced into him, shouted all your anger and frustration right into his face, you called him God's bitch, you didn't even bat an eye when he told you - he fucking told you, loud and clear - that he would have to carry the burden of restoring order in Heaven. Alone.

So he did tell you and of course you didn't even notice.

You never notice. You think you'd bleed for him, you'd die for him, but in the end it turns out that you can't even do as much as listening properly when he needs to be heard. You failed because you always fail, because you are worthless, stupid, blind, selfish, useless, rotten; you suck and you know it. You can't do anything right. Every time someone thinks highly of you it is just a fuckin' mistake, and it's your fault for not telling everyone how wrong they are. You should tell them. You owe them this much, you pissy coward.

Why did you even hope it would be any different this time? You don't deserve love or trust. Noboby will ever be fool enough to love you. It's impossible.

You're worthless.