Useless When Wet: A Royai Comedy Collection

Story 6: A Lesson in Scary

Author: MoonStarDutchess

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and gain no profit from this fanfiction other than writing practice.

AN: There's no Royai in this one but since it's Riza based I put it in here. This was originally written in around 2008-09. Fourth wall is broken in this fic and this uses modern time. You'll see what I mean.

Riza Hawkeye heaved a huge sigh as she walked home from work. She was hoping to go straight to her apartment but errands got in the way. She had to pay her electric bill, then get some groceries, and pick up her gun for repair. She'd been so busy at the office that her normally organized self was temporarily unorganized.

Due to her late errands, she had to walk home in the dark. The streetlights were all aglow, with dark alleys stretching on each side of her and a small path of light about two or three feet stretching in front of her. The environment looked like a scene from one of those studio horror movies.

She stopped and raised an eyebrow when she heard a creepy horror movie soundtrack start to play. She stopped and looked around her. "Since when does fanfiction have a musical accompaniment?" she said aloud. She shrugged her shoulders and continued to make her way down the sidewalk toward her home.

When she heard footsteps behind her, she stopped. Sound effects too? Does fanfiction have a budget for these things now?

Deciding to play along, she walked faster and faster. As she did so, the footsteps sped up and the music increased in both volume and beat. She finally stopped, dropped her bags, and frowned.

"All right, that does it! I've had enough." Her day was already going poorly. Something like this was the last thing she needed. "I am supposed to be in a Japanese anime and manga and in fanfiction, not in a horror film. You in the bushes come out! That goes for you behind the tree as well!"

A man wearing a white mask came out from behind the tree and at the same time, a man with a burnt face popped up out of the bush. "Get over here!"

"You aren't afraid of us?" the one in the white mask asked.

"Of course not. Not after what I've been through. Get your asses over here!"

The two left their hiding spots with their heads lowered and hands behind their backs. The one in the white mask kicked a pebble as they made their way over to stand in front of her.

"You two are pathetic," she growled and they stayed silent. "The least you could do would be to take off that horrible background music. I mean all is quiet, then when you show up that music starts. It makes it so obvious that someone is going to be attacked."

"But it's standard," the man with the burnt face said.

"What's wrong with your face?"

"I attacked some guy name Mustang a few months ago and he did this."

That didn't surprise her. "What's your name?" Her eyes narrowed at the man when he didn't' answer. She asked again in a louder voice. "I asked you your name!"

The burnt man ran behind the man with the mask.

"Freddy," he said timidly.

"Get back over here and stand on your own."

Freddy slowly moved out from behind his fellow horror movie icon and stood in front of Riza, not meeting her gaze.

The man in the white mask started laughing until Riza turned her regard to him. "You," she snapped. The man jumped and took a step back at the force of her voice. "What is your name?"

"I am the Phantom of the Opera," he said.

Freddy looked over at him as if he'd lost his head.

"Nice try, the Phantom is much sexier than you are," Riza said. "And he has a cool cape."

"Damn," he cursed. "My name is Jason."

"Freddy? Jason? What the hell kind of horror names are those? They sound more like Mouseketeer names."

"I killed a Mouseketeer once." Freddy's eyes went wide and filled with horror. He raised his hands. "They don't bleed!"

"You should see the tellytubby blood," Jason said. "Or Barney's. Their blood looks like the ink from one of those gel pens. SpongeBob's blood is the oddest though."

"SpongeBob has blood?" Freddy questioned.

"Well, some kind of liquid left him when I cut him in two. Looked like soapy water."

"Soap? Really? Wonder what kind?"

"It had a very woodsy scent, yet a fresh after rain smell that was really easy on the nose. It was quite lovely and refreshing, but I just couldn't place it."

"Sounds like Irish Spring," Freddy said.

"Yeah come to think of it, that was-"

"Enough! Look, you are lousy horror icons that have nothing on people like Dracula and Frankenstein. Hell, the mummy is scarier than you are."

They both looked down at the ground.

"You can only kill stupid and always beautiful people who only die because they made an idiotic mistake."

They looked back up at her.

"So we aren't scary?"

"You're a tad bit creepy but nothing more than that."

"What if I took my mask off and said 'Brains. I want to eat brains' in a monotone voice with my arms outstretched.

"You would starve to death if you hunt around here."

"So we are failures," Freddy said with a sniff.

"Yeah," Jason said.

"Okay, you two, look," Riza said, feeling sorry for them. She retrieved a pen and paper from her purse and wrote down a name. She then handed it to them."

"What you need to do is take a right out of this anime erm… fanfiction. Gah, whatever. Go back to your movie world. Then go back in the past around 60 to 65 years, and find that guy. He can help you."

Freddy read the name. "Alfred Hitchcock?"

"Yes," she said.

"Thanks," they both said and ran away like children who'd just gotten a treat.

She picked up her groceries and made her way home.

-/-/-

"Jason?" Freddy asked.

"Yeah?"

"I need to make a stop at my place?"

"Why?"

Freddy looked away from him. "She made me pee my pants."

"Ah. Think you have a pair I can borrow?"

"She made you piss yourself too?"

"No…Um… I shit myself."

"Sure, you can a pair. We have to change before we can find that Hitchcock fellow," Freddy said.

"She was terrifying."

"Yes, yes she was."

*AN: As a child, I never found Freddy and Jason to be that scary, but my friends around me to this day are terrified of the movies. I don't get it. It's like the new IT film. To me the old one was scarier because the clown looked like a normal clown. The evil in normal is scarier than obvious evil.

Alfred Hitchcock wasn't terrifying, but he had a way of making films that gave you chills.

After all she's been through, I very much doubt Riza would fear them.

Thank you for reading and please leave a comment if you have time.