Useless When Wet: Royai Comedy Collection

Story 1: The Book Blurb

Author: MoonStarDutchess

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and gain no profit from this fanfiction.

NOTE: For the sake of distinction and clarification, the book passages are done in italics and bold. Riza's inner thoughts are only italics and quotations.

Riza still had the first book she'd ever been given. The first book that never had a previous owner and belonged only to her. After her mother died, Riza got her books, but it wasn't the same. After she'd read through all of them, she started going to the library. Pride and Prejudice had been her favorite. She'd borrowed it so many times, that the kind old librarian smiled his crooked grin at her, his peppermint scented pipe poking out the edge of his mouth, and handed her a new copy for her to keep at home.

Through the years, she'd kept her collections down to about three dozen. She had to move a lot in the military, and too many books make that difficult. She'd received many books as gifts through the years. She got books about chess from Breda, books about guns from Havoc, and science fiction books from Fuery. Roy was the one that knew her taste best, choosing to get her classic romance books. She appreciated all of them and read them with vigor. Rebecca got her books as well, but those types were given to her when they were alone. Rebecca was the person who got her interested in erotica during their academy days.

Rebecca had been sitting on her bunk reading and handed her one of those books. She'd taken it, not expecting much, but she got more than she bargained for. She'd been innocent when she'd joined the academy, and before reading those books, hadn't known so many sexual positions existed. Sex wasn't something that was talked about where she was from. It was something you waited to do until marriage and even most married woman knew very little, so to read it detailed it in a novel had been a shock. She'd enjoyed the book's plot, she'd enjoyed the smutty bits, and she became a convert to the world of erotica. A covert convert for a few years until Roy discovered one section of her tiny book collection.

He'd teased her about the poor writing in the books, even though he'd only read three lines, and annoyed her about the perfect characters that could never exist in real life. It was teasing in the way one would tease a best friend.

When they were finally able to date without worrying about the laws, their evenings consisted of him reading his alchemical texts and her reading her books. Most of them not weren't erotica, but occasionally they would be. When they were, he'd start teasing her. Then she'd tell him that if he kept it up, he would not experience anything she was learning about in her erotica. It usually worked, but she probably would've shown him anyway. He wasn't the only one that could enjoy her new skills after all.

When they married, they bought a house. For a wedding gift Roy had a room in their house redesigned with shelves, comfortable chairs, and good reading lamps. A personal reading room just for her, though she insisted on sharing it with him as well. Her small collection fit in half of one of the shelves.

A year later, that shelf was filled, and the next book she'd buy would be the first to go on the new shelf.

-/-/-

She arrived at the bookstore, suitably called The Hole in the Wall due to its unassuming nature. It was a light blue door with two small concrete steps in front of it. Above the door was a simple wooden plank with the shop's name painted on it with yellow block letters. It was nestled between two flamboyant clothing shops with odd lights in their windows and bright pink canopies and frames. She chuckled at the mental comparison her mind conjured. It was similar to putting Fuery in a room full of Alex Armstrong duplicates.

When she entered the shop, the smell of books hit her. Anyone who didn't read, which seemed to become the cool thing recently, wouldn't know the joy and excitement the smell brought. They might even say there wasn't a particular smell or roll their eyes if it were mentioned. Movies were cool, sports were cool, going out and partying was cool, but heaven forbid one stay at home and read.

"Hello, Riza," the owner said.

"Hello, Mister Franklin," she said. Another reason she loved this bookstore so much was Mister Franklin not only carried every type of book imaginable but he didn't give any judgment on what one bought. In the bigger bookstores in the city she'd get judging looks and sometimes even critiques on her reading habits.

"Looking for anything in particular today?" he asked.

"No, just browsing."

"If you need any help, just yell," he said.

Riza smiled and picked up one of the small baskets kept beside the door. "I will. Thank you."

She picked up a few books from the small bargain-bin kept at the front of the store before walking further back. She found the book that Roy mentioned he'd like to read, and then went to browse the romance novels. She'd read a few of the blurbs on the back of the books and didn't have an interest in any of the plots. She moved further back and a book caught her attention. It was a black cover. On it was a needle and a tie. It was called The Working Stiff. She picked it up and flipped it over to read the back blurb.

Ana Irons was dedicated to her work and refused to be distracted with matters like love. Happiness was a good day at her work and bringing comfort to her patients and their families. When she meets Christian White, everything changes and she finds pleasure in more than her career.

Riza could relate to a woman putting work before everything else and enjoyed books with women in strong careers, so she put the book in her basket. After picking up a new cookbook from the proper section, she went to the counter, quickly purchased her books, and left for home.

-/-/-

"Hello, beautiful," Roy said and kissed her as soon as she walked through the door. The first time she'd ever walked inside when Roy was there was surreal. She was used to being greeted by Hayate when she got home, but it was extremely pleasing when greeted by both Hayate and the man she loved.

They went through their usual routine. They did the military work they could do at home. The fuehrer's mansion was secure, but it would be unsafe to store confidential documents or any other kind of work in their residence. If anyone were to find out it was there, it would be a risk to them.

After work, they made dinner together, using one of many cookbooks they'd collected since their marriage. Their collective culinary skills hadn't extended past fried eggs, spaghetti, and grilled cheese sandwiches. After dinner, they cuddled up on the couch with their books, and Riza began reading silently.

Preattle Mortuary was a grey modest building, set between a large grey church that loomed over all the other buildings in the area, and a small grey laundry mat. Ana pulled into her reserved parking spot in the junky retro car that she didn't have the heart, or funds, to get rid of and entered through the back exit.

She'd been working at Preattle Mortuary for going on three years. In that time she'd relished her work. Fixing up a family's loved one so they could get closure was one of life's great pleasures for her. Unfortunately, that pleasure and her nights of overtime had resulted in no social life outside of gravediggers, priests, and the makeup artist Katarina.

You need a social life, her internal zombie screamed at her as she held up a sign that said loser and social reject. She jumped up and down like someone had set two fires in her shoes with leftover matches from a day of camping out on Lake James.

"This isn't an actual..." Riza flipped to the information page on the book and saw it was indeed published by an actual publishing company that employed real editors.

"You okay?"

She looked at her husband and nodded. "Yes, I'm fine." She continued reading. Perhaps there was some sort of comedy to this. Maybe the character was writing a bad novel or having an odd dream.

Her stomach increasingly filled with dread upon every page she finished. Ana's "inner zombie" seemed to star more in the book than the main character. While it was unique to have a character as a mortician, the author took what could've been fascinating and turned it into a dull unresearched read so far. She didn't know much about treating corpses but she was sure they weren't set up in a beautician's chair when their hair was styled.

Riza sighed and skipped a few pages.

Ana washed up and got into her proper attire. White. Why white? Why not red or blue? White showed blood and with her job blood got on her clothing frequently. Yes, blood was part of her job. Dark red would've been much better. Yes, red. Red would've been good. Red was the color of red blood. It should be red.

"I know damn it!" Riza yelled at the book, making Roy jump. She didn't see him give her a questioning look. Riza grit her teeth and read the next passage.

She put on her gloves. At least they were blue and not white. They still should be red too. She mixed her embalming fluid to get the proper shade that would make his skin the best color. Her inner zombie was so excited. It jumped up and down again like it was playing double-dutch. If it had had a vuvuzela, it would've been blowing it. If it were an embalmer, it would be dressed in sensible red. Instead, it squealed like a greased pig being chased by a bunch of kids at a redneck rodeo as the embalming mixture turned from dark red, the color her clothing should've been made, to pink.

She uncovered the corpse on the table and her heart stopped. He was the most beautiful man she'd ever seen.

Riza went pallid."Oh, god . . . No." Riza thought.

His eyes were closed but she knew the color was blue, like her gloves. She lifted his eyelids and she was right. Grey. Dark Grey. His brown hair was long and fanned out across the metal table, his pale skin shone under the light.

"It's like diamonds," she whispered. It rivaled the glint shimmering off the table.

"No no no no no no no." She should've stopped reading, but it was like when one came upon a train or car crash, you know you shouldn't look, but you do anyway. Damning her curiosity, she kept reading.

She let her hands slide the sheet further down his body, licking her lips as she saw his memb—

"Fuck this thing!" Riza said and threw the book across the room.

"Riza?" Roy said. "Did the book not go the way you want it?"

"Burn that thing," she said with a menacing tone. "Get your gloves and burn that piece of shit."

"Are you sick? You've always preached against burning books. What's gotten into you?"

"That!" She leveled her glare on the book on the floor. "That should not even be called a book. It shouldn't even be held to the same standard as feces covered toilet paper!"

Roy put down his book and kept his gaze on his wife as he stood and walked over to the book she'd hurled several feet. He picked it up. "No book is that terrible."

"Page 37."

Roy flipped to the page she directed him to and scanned it. His face went from its normal color to becoming lighter and lighter until he was deathly pale. "She stuck his deceased coc…" His eyes widened. "Such pleasure. . ." Roy gagged. "Why?" He held up the book. "Why'd you buy this?"

"The blurb made it sound pretty good. Burn it!"

"Hey, we should use this to torture information out of criminals."

"No one is evil enough to be put through the torture of that book."

He nodded and tossed the book into the fireplace. He grabbed his gloves, put them on, and snapped. The book went up in flames, and Riza watched as it burned, pleased that it was no more in her house. It was too bad it had to be sitting in bookstores everywhere.

"Oh, the dust cover fell off."

"Must've happened when I threw it," Riza said.

Roy picked it up. When he grew paler than he already was, she knew whatever he saw wasn't good. She walked over to him.

"What's wrong?"

Roy showed her the cover. "A best selling…" Roy said.

Riza read the other sticker. "Soon coming soon to thea—theaters."

It was for the first and only time that Roy and Riza had actually wished the father had succeeded in his goals.

AN: This was actually based off something that happened to me regarding a very bad book that I read because the blurb sounded interesting. I hope you liked this oneshot.