I don't own Bleach or High School DxD

Chapter 10: Balls & Chess

Raynare was pissed off for an acceptable reason.

The many nameless servants working on repairing the church were the cause of her rage. The men wouldn't know how to flush a toilet properly without screwing up in some unimaginable way. They're that awful. She absentmindedly wondered what decent workers would be like. Would they actually, oh I don't know, do their goddamn job? She could only hope.

Onto a different note, the Fallen Angel pitied her new master. Dealing with a retarded giant all day long and most of the night must have been frustrating. The busty-black haired Fallen Angel could only stay loyal to him and support him in any way possible. Especially the naughty bits. Oh, how she'd love to serve him in those areas. Her master looks like the type that will tie her up on a lamp post in the nude and...

"Are you feeling alright?" A familiar voice broke Raynare out of her 'innocent' thoughts.

"Wh-what? Huh?" Was the only audible answer coming out of her mouth as she tried to control her embarrassment in front of her best friend, Kalawarner.

Best friend might have not been the best word to describe her relationship with the blue haired beauty. The two have always gotten their missions done in a quick and efficient manner. Even though they may have got into a couple (dozens) of arguments and fights the Fallen Angels were always willing to push pass their disagreements to at least be civil, especially on missions. In ways Kalawarner is probably the only other Fallen Angel that Raynare feels comfortable to be around with. Sure there's Dohnaseek and Mittelt too but they lack what a enjoyable companion should have. Dohnaseek is old and only focuses on who is going to die next by his spear. Mittelt, as adorable as she is the girl wasn't mature enough in having a conversation with. This lead Raynare to Kalawarner as the only source of friendship, or at the very least an acquaintance that the busty woman can tolerant.

Overall Raynare respects the blue haired woman quite highly for her standards. The same can be said for Kalawarner's respect towards Raynare.

Kalawarner's eyebrow rose, "I asked you if you're alright. You seemed a little zoned out for a second."

"I'm perfectly fine, Kalawarner." Raynare replied and quickly tried to change the topic, "anyways how's the repairs going?"

The blue haired Fallen Angel looked back at the working men, she watched as one of the robed men fell on ass causing a nearby one to lose his balance and ultimately falling as well. The sight of the idiots almost made her want to groan, but she kept herself from doing so. "If that's what progress is then I say we should be done soon."

"The lot of them are a bunch of useless morons, aren't they?" the black haired Fallen Angel laughed.

Both women laughed at the idiots struggling with their work. Because of their enjoyment they didn't notice a certain pale man walking pass them, going straight towards the kitchen area.

They have however notice the small crowd of robed men blocking out the only exit out of the church. Both Fallen Angels walked to the commotion, pushed aside any minions blocking their path, and eventually reached the very center of the men's attention.

A man kneeling down on the ground, groaning in pure agony and pain. A elderly man kneeling down on the ground crying out like a bitch.

'Dohnaseek,' both women repeated the name inside their heads.

Raynare stared blankly at the pathetic fedora wearing Fallen Angel in boredom, not even bothering to help. Her companion having similar feelings only watched their comrade cry out in pain. Kalawarner did smile a little, it was a little funny watching a grown man groaning like a horny teenager that discovered the glory of masturbating for the first time in his/her life.

Dohnaseek groaning increased in volume with every painful breath of air sucked into his lungs.

"Hmm... I feel you brother, no man ever wants to feel that," one of the robed man spoke.

The busty-black haired woman didn't remove her sight from Dohnaseek but instead responded to the one that spoke. "Care to explain."

He released out a deep sigh, "It's obvious want happen to Dohnaseek. A shame."

"You think he'll ever recover?" Another robed man questioned.

"Hard to say, really. But if I had to guess I say probably near the point of return." The robed man shrug as he picked his ear.

"Ya think his nuts were smashed by his wife?" The other servant asked.

This comment greatly disturbed many of the surrounding men. Who in their sane mind would ever marry that pitiful thing!? His apparent wife must have been intoxicated as hell when they married. Bribed maybe? Forced on? Blackmailed? Any of these were the logical conclusions that the men could possibly think of. Something like love couldn't be an answer. No one will willingly love Dohnaseek, the sheer act of loving that man was basically loving the sight of puppies being kicked around like a soccer ball.

Both Fallen Angels had similar thoughts on their fellow comrade's sex life. That wasn't the only thing that astounded them though. What gotten them interested was the idea of someone apparently being able to injure the fedora wearing pride and joy. No, the fact that someone was able to kick the man's two suns without being beheading by Dohnaseek. He may have not been the strongest warrior, but the old man did know a thing or two about the act of violence. The real question is who have done the deed?

Dohnaseek's inflated beach balls became the best of friends with either a fist or a foot, lucky him. The tool of destruction however did not matter in this crime scene. Who is this mysterious person to bestow such a large amount of pain to him? How did this ingenious bastard pull off this plan in crumbling the Fallen Angel's ego by targeting his greatest weakness, his balls! This issue definitely needs a thorough investigation as soon as possible. Time isn't on their side! God damn it!

"This is a grave problem men. If one of our superiors was defeated in battle by some unknown monstrous strength of ball smashing then we may all be goners," one of the robed man muttered darkly, loud enough for the surrounding ones to hear.

"Oh hell no... You don't think this saggy-groaning-leftover-sack of shit was dominated by his... his... his..." a terrified man stuttered.

"What? His what? Speak motherfucker!" A equally terrified man roared.

"His... his... his.. E..." Someone slapped the coward, it seems like that was the perfect dose of medication needed seeing how the man calmed down and looked back at the curious men. "Thank you. Like I was saying it is possible that Dohnaseek, one of the mighty Fallen Angels, was beaten down by the most feared cause of humanity problems known to men."

"Cancer?"

"Dying a virgin?"

"Starvation?"

"Listening to Justin Bieber?" Many agreed with this one.

"Being buried alive?"

"Died while taking a shit?"

"Batman Vs. Superman?"

The terrified but calm man raised his hands in an act of silence. The others almost immediately quieted down, thankfully. "Much worse... beaten down by a... Ex-girlfriend. The cause of his agony was thanks to the beast of a Ex-girlfriend that wishes vengeance upon his undeserving baby maker!"

This unsettling information did nothing but made the men quiver in fear. Some even cried. Others fainted.

"Come people, come and join me as we pray for a unyielding protection to our prized equipment. Oh, and I guess we can pray to this man's already ruined future," the calm robed man said as the rest nodded their heads and began praying.

Kalawarner gazed at the idiots bemusedly like they had two heads. "This definitely takes the cake in stupidity," the busty-blue haired woman spoke out the first words since this entire ordeal of bull crap.

"Yeah..." Raynare could only agree.

The thought of hanging with Yammy instead of these idiots didn't sound as terrible anymore.

A pale hand reached out on a doorknob and opened said door. The door allowed a source of light to brighten up the dark bedroom.

Ulquiorra took a step inside of his room carrying a tray of two tea cups, a teapot, and some snacks. He walked towards the sole lamp of the room and turned it on before locking the door.

"How lovely of you to bring in refreshments, Ulquiorra-san," a child's voice spoke out.

The Fourth Espada ignored the voice in favor of dragging a small table in the middle of the room as he placed the tray full of goodies down on it, not before pouring both tea cups. He took a seat on his uncomfortable bed and finally decided to look at his uninvited guest. A black haired young looking girl wearing a Gothic dress. The girl was relaxing on his bed, having her legs spread out and snuggling to his only pillow. She stared at the pale's man green eyes, waiting for something, anything to happen.

'Dull gray eyes. Completely empty.' Ulquiorra noted to himself.

'Dull greenish eyes. Filled with nothing but emptiness.' The girl noted to herself

Both thoughts were quite alike but neither knew that.

Eventually the Gothic dressed girl broke the eye contact and reached for the already filled tea cup. She delicately grabbed the tea cup and slowly brought it forth to her face. The Gothic girl took a nice whiff of the aroma of the tea before tilting the cup towards her tiny mouth. The small soothing sip ended as fast as Yammy's fight with Yoruichi Shihōin. No... as pathetic as the fight was it didn't end that fast. Still though the sip was a tad bit quick for Ulquiorra's unwavering eyes.

The girl gracefully placed the tea cup back, reminding the Fourth Espada of royalty.

'A princess perhaps?' Ulquiorra mused. As highly unlikely this thought was there could be some truth to his musings. Again though highly unlikely.

"This tea's taste is top-notch, Ulquiorra-san. I have tasted many different brands of tea over the years, and yet this one has a certain kind of vibe to it. Wouldn't you agree, Ulquiorra-san?" The girl innocently asked.

His eyes narrowed slightly. Ulquiorra notice the slip up the moment the girl said those three words. "Over the years," a girl saying she had tasted different brands of tea over the years may have sounded a little odd and nothing else to the normal individual. Not to Ulquiorra. This girl can simply be lying about tasting different kinds of tea but that is as likely as Yammy being important in a fight. She isn't normal to the Fourth Espada's eyes.

First, the suddenly random appearance of this girl right after calming down from a certain phone call. Second, her knowledge of his name, which he hadn't given. Third, her ladylike fashion of drinking the tea. And finally fourth, the response she gave to him about the tea and 'accidentally' slipping up. The girl is anything but normal, that much is obvious. What's nagging Ulquiorra is what exactly is this girl and her purpose in seeking him out.

Her arrival was surely because of his small display of power before, and now the pale man has to deal with another sure to come headache. What joy!

"Having a one-sided conversation tends to bore me, Ulquiorra-san," the child brought the Fourth Espada back to reality. He almost have forgotten about the very source of his wonder, the girl.

"My thoughts wonder off in the presence of a guest, I apologize," Ulquiorra 'begged forgiveness' in the most believable way possible.

The Gothic dressed gear smiled coyly, though Ulquiorra felt like it was fake, "I would have done the same exactly thing too. The unexpected appearance of a beauty young girl usually would shock any sane person. Especially how this girl arrived right after a... small light-show occurred not so long ago, an hour at most."

The fourth Espada narrowed his eyes at the girl but she continued anyway. "This girl not just appearance out of thin air, but also identify a pale skinned man that isn't anything but human. With that display of power people such as the cute girl can conclude that this man must be involved in supernatural activities in one way or another. Question is what can this new discovery be? Some sort of monster? One of the spirits of evil, the devils? Perhaps this man is one of shining glorious warriors of God himself, that would lead to either to an Angel or a priest." the girl reached for the tea and took another sip. Her lower part of her face hidden from the world thanks to the tea cup. "But we can both agree that you aren't any of these suggestions. You're someone more than that... a character of destructive powers seems to befitting of you, am I correct to assume that Ulquiorra-san?"

"What do you want?" The fourth Espada questioned. It's best to get straight to the point since the girl in front of him was only playing around with him. Much like a puppeteer and his puppet tangled by strings.

She shrugged in a nonchalant manner, still covering the bottom part of her face using the tea cup.

'Damned cup...' Ulquiorra thought.

"Would you by chance be interested in a game of chess, Ulquiorra-san?" The girl requested as she flicked her wrist causing a magic circle to appear on the table. The magic circle soon created a chessboard, all pieces were already set.

"Chess? You wish to play a game of chess with me?" Ulquiorra not really asked but more just pointed out the obvious.

She nodded her as she placed her empty cup of tea back on the tray, "Yes, a game of chess will pass up some time and it'll be entertaining to play. Have you ever heard of the term of phrase, "killing two birds with one stone", Ulquiorra-san?"

The Arrancar went over to one of the corners of the room and pulled out a dusty chair before placing it directly in front of the Gothic dressed girl. "I have heard of it, and I accept your challenge."

"Oh? I wasn't expecting you to agree so quickly. I thought you might have pulled up some resistance before you'd agree to the game," the girl said, not sounding shocked whatsoever.

"This game must have a hidden agenda. Meaning if I play this game I'll either have some of my lingering questions answer or you might continue you're playful behavior, keeping me in the dark," Ulquiorra responded.

"Quite the clever one, huh? Well sense you're fair man I suppose it is only fair to at least answer one of your many questions. My name's Ophis," the girl revealed.

"I'll be honest and say that I did somewhat wonder what your name was, but that was only out of curiosity. To be honest I seriously did not care at all what you go by, Ophis-san." The fourth Espada coldly said as went for the white pieces instead of the black ones. White symbolizes emptiness, therefore it emblematically shows the very beings of which Ulquiorra is, a Hollow.

"Ulquiorra-san what would you consider yourself as if you were one of the chess pieces if you had to decide? The fierce and nimble Knight's piece? The overpowering Rook's piece? The supportive Bishop's piece? Cannon fodder known as the Pawn's piece? The destructive and deadly Queen's piece? Or are you the leading type, like the King's piece?" Ophis listed the pieces as she twirled around the black King's piece, awaiting for her answer.

"You tend to ask questions, Ophis-san," Ulquiorra said before looking down at the white pieces. "The pawn role seems befitting for someone such as a myself. Although the as you have said the knight's piece is fierce and nimble, constantly striking down their foes until their dead unless ordered to halt, loyal to their dying breath. I believe the Knight's piece will be the most suitable for me."

"Interesting quite interesting, now how about we begin our game, Knight-san." Ophis said jokingly as she flick her wrist causing the entire room to be covered in a similar looking magic circle from before. "Oh, I almost forgot this game of chess will be slightly different then a mere chess match I hope you don't mind," the Gothic young girl hid a smirk from her face as Ulquiorra's eyes widen.

"Wait what!?" The Espada member all but yelled. He wasn't expecting this, and honestly he should have.

The room shined with a blinding light of absolute authority and power! Once the light vanished the room was missing three things. Ulquiorra, Ophis, and the snacks that were on the tray.

Ulquiorra slowly opened up his eyes to lay witness to a massive battlefield. Across the fields of a once peaceful meadow was scotching flames burning away any kind of life. Bodies lingered around the battlefield, bodies of knights and warriors alike. Many of the bodies were missing limbs, others were piked on, and a few couldn't even be called bodies because of the bloody mess of gore around them. Reminds the Fourth Espada of the old days as Hollow. Feels like home, just a shit ton more gory.

"Your majesty what are your orders?" A familiar annoying voice said. Ulquiorra looked around until he turned around to be faced to face with a bunch of kneeling warriors. Arrancars.

The one who spoke raised his head to stare directly at his lordship with such devotion that it would even make the Fourth Espada jealous. "Please your majesty allow us to serve you and victory is sure to come," the familiar looking Arrancar loyally said. A giant who is familiar with. His retarded partner that he is forced to deal with constantly. Yammy Llargo.

Author's Note: Hello all of you readers out there! I'm so glad to be posting another chapter to one my favorite stories made so far.

So yeah sorry for the delay but I was pretty busy on some stuff. Besides me being busy it was actually kind of difficult figuring out how I wanted this chapter to be so I had to put some time off of this story to sort of my thoughts. As you can tell I have figured said thoughts out well, so well that I have already planned out chapter 11, which will mostly be centered around the chess match and Yammy.

I'm sorry that this chapter wasn't longer or even as long as the last chapter but hey that's life. Like the prototype4260 said in his review (yes I actually do read the reviews, shocker isn't it?) this fanfiction is a crackfic but with plot, lots and lots of plot, but with bullshit humor as well! I'll also try to work on my chapter length, maybe 5-6k words?

My first flame woo! Disgruntled HUMN I thank you for your words, no really I do. It's always good to see people's opinions on my story be it good or bad. I am not trying to embarrass you at all just to let you know, what I'd be doing is answering your review in the best way I can. The 6/10 bit shocked me a little you know. You're being too kind I don't see how my story will ever be that high, I say It's more of a 5/10 if anything. The harem idea apparently displeases you because Ulquiorra is emotionless and such I understand. But you have to know that this is fanfiction shit like this tends to happen. If you're interested in seeing a great story that has Ulquiorra in it then I recommend checking out the story called White by Melkor's Mercy, even though that story isn't a crossover it's still amazing.

Now to the harems. My pairings to Ulquiorra are both mine and the reviewers choices, but will ultimately be decided by me. Take Raynare for example, when I first began this story I wanted Raynare to be paired up with Ulquiorra simply because I truly do believe that a character that was killed off early can have potential if allowed to live longer then what the show originally planned. This is just my opinion and everyone is entitled of their own opinions.

I'm also going to start responding to reviewers per chapter so if you got a question then shoot! Do review and tell me your thoughts on my newest chapter. Did you like the epic return of Dohnaseek? Did you enjoy Ophis interactions with Ulquiorra? Pissed off with the cliffhanger? Whatever the reasoning is go ahead and review. Enjoy your Sunday or whatever day/night you're reading this one. Peace!