Chapter 1: Everyone's a Clod Except Me

It was barely 9:30 and Peridot had already almost ruined her keyboard with a surprise jostle of her hot coffee. Mornings were not her thing and this one, between the pile of work that was due later and Pearl's incessant humming, was shaping up to be particularly dreadful. Sliding her circular glasses up the bridge of her nose with her index finger, she glared back at her computer screen with the email from the last person she needed to hear from today. She slid down the back of her office chair and braced herself for the worst.

To: Peridot (pdiamond )

From: Y. Diamond (ydiamond )

Subject: Thanksgiving Dinner

Greetings Peridot,

I hope my email finds you well. As you know, Thanksgiving is next week so I'll expect you to be at the house no later than 4PM sharp. It's just you, your brother, and I again this year, unless you've been seeing someone, which I highly doubt. Anyways, no need to bring anything, just yourself. You. Alone.

Which reminds me. I was talking to my boss about you yesterday and he mentioned his son still has quite the little crush on you. Do you remember Ronaldo? You met him at my company's holiday party last year. Well, I took the liberty of setting up a little date for you two. Don't worry about the details, I'll fill you in over Thanksgiving dinner.

Talk to you later.

Love,

Your Mother

Peridot let out a loud groan and fisted her blond hair out of frustration. The anger was boiling hot inside her and threatening to spill over into tears. Instead, she let out and exasperated "fuuuuuuuuck" and pressed her forehead against the smooth, cool surface of her desk.

Yes, of course she remembered Ronaldo! How could she forget that clod who spent the whole night talking her ear off about aliens and illuminati and who knows what the fuck else while she was trying her damnedest to just be alone and miserable at her mom's stupid party. The guy couldn't take a hint that she was NOT interested.

Great. So now her control freak of a mother was getting involved in her (admittedly nonexistent) love life. And if Peridot knew her mother, there was going to be no talking her out of it or attempting to reason with her.

"Uhhhh….Peridot? Is everything alright over there?"

Peridot rolled her head towards Pearl who was sitting at her workstation staring at Peridot with worry and confusion etched into her slim face.

"Noooo." She whined pathetically.

Pearl removed the safety goggles from her face and pushed aside the flasks and tubes of specimens. Twisting around, she gracefully strode over to Peridot who remained sulking against her desk.

"What's wrong?", her voice dripping in that concerned, motherly tone of hers. She rubbed a soothing hand over Peridot's back, which seemed to help, and waited for an answer.

Peridot sat up again and gestured angrily at her monitor. "THIS. THIS! She's doing it again! Meddling in my business and controlling life. She wants to set me up on a date with her bosses' loser son!"

Pearl glanced over the email and frowned. Peridot did seem to have a lot of horror stories about her mother, but this was particularly demeaning. Although, Pearl had to admit, Peridot did spend most of her time working. She had a strong feeling Peri was holing herself up between the lab and her apartment and not finding much social interaction in between the two. When was the last time she had date? Hell, when was the last she had a conversation with anyone besides herself or Lapis?

"Well," Pearl mused, "maybe if you found someone special to bring to Thanksgiving dinner, your mom would have no choice but to lay off."

"What? Pfft. No. That's stupid. Who would I bring anyway?"

"Oh, I don't know. Go out and meet someone! It's not hard as you make it seem."

"Ugh, whatever! Easy for you to say. You're already dating someone."

At that, Pearl perked up. "Oh! That reminds me. I forgot to tell you I'm taking off Tuesday next week. Amethyst and I are visiting my family out of state for Thanksgiving. Her and I are staying at a hotel though, so we can finally have some alone time without having to worry about that big, hulking brute of a roommate hanging around. I can't wait!" Pearl positively beamed with excitement as her smile stretched ear to ear, then as if remembering the situation at hand, she backtracked and returned to her sympathetic composure. "But, oh I'm sure everything will work out for you Peri. Don't worry. I'm sure it will be fine." A few more back pats for good measure.

"And thank you Pearl for that lovely tidbit of information I could have done without knowing. But whatever. I hope you and Amethyst have fun on your little getaway. I'll just be here. Sulking. Alone."

Pearl stifled a giggle. "What do you mean? I thought you liked having the lab to yourself. No one will here to bother you. Just you and your little robotnoid project."

"Yeah", Peridot sighed, "that does sound pretty alright. And next week is already a two day work week, so bonus! I guess…."

"That's the spirit! Now just push these issues with your mom on the backburner for now. We have to get these reports done and into Garnet's hands before 3 today or we're both done for."

"Yeah. Right." Peridot trailed off into her thoughts. She took one last glance at the email pulled up on her monitor and grimaced. She'd have to deal with this later. She clicked the little red 'x' and banished it to some dark crevice in her mind.

Work slogged on for the rest of the day. Despite her bumpy morning, Peridot managed to hand over all of the reports to Garnet only five minutes past due. Garnet accepted them with a silent nod, leaving Peridot unsure if she was impressed with the documents or disappointed at their late arrival. Peridot couldn't tell; her dark visor made it nearly impossible to gauge the stern woman's reaction.

Still, by the time 5 rolled around, Peridot had had enough and was fidgeting in her seat. She just wanted to go home and sulk on the couch and maybe play some video games or watch TV with her roommate. Anything but sitting at her desk. Anything but looking at the stupid email mocking her solidary life.

Peridot stripped off her white lab coat and relayered her woolen jacket and scarf for protection against the cold, November air outside. She and Pearl locked up their office together and trudged off their separate ways. Peridot walked to her forest green Accord, unlocked it, and threw herself inside along with her messenger bag. She slammed the keys into the ignition and peeled out, just wanting to get home and into the warm, comfortable safety of her pajamas.

Peridot was greeted by the smell of something homemade and cheesy as she walked into the apartment. Tossing her bag onto the sofa, she called out to her roommate, "Lapis, I'm hooooome!".

A slender woman with short, dyed blue hair popped her head out of their tiny kitchen and smiled. "Oh hey nerd. How was work? Food's almost done if you're hungry. I made chicken marsala and risotto."

Peridot felt drained, physically and emotionally, but the promise of a hot meal perked her up a bit. "Oh my god. Yes. Food. Please." She stuttered out, pulling up a chair from the table to chat with Lapis. "Today was a wreck thanks to an email from my mother about Thanksgiving next week. I couldn't concentrate or think about anything else. How was your day?"

Lapis's eyebrow cocked at the mention of Yellow. She and Peridot had been friends since their playground days and Lapis knew how much Peri and her mom butted heads. Still, she shrugged and admitted that her day as an indoor pool lifeguard was uneventful – which was a good thing. No incidents or accidents on her watch. No little shits running around the pool or doing backflips off the diving board. Lapis divvied up the steaming hot meal between two plates and set them down at the table in front of Peridot and herself.

Peridot didn't hesitate to dig into the food, but Lapis reserved herself for a moment. She prodded at Peridot. "Soooo….what's going on with your mother?"

"She's trying to hook me up with that fedora wearing clod from the holiday party last year." Peridot mumbled out through a mouthful of chicken.

Lapis spat out a laugh. "What! You mean that weirdo who kept referring to you as milady? She wants to hook you up with THAT?!"

Peridot glowered as her cheeks heated to a burning red. "Don't remind me. I think she's trying to schmooze her boss by hooking me up with that undateable clod. I don't know. She just told me to show up for Thanksgiving and she'd give me the details of her little plan then. That's it. No argument. She knows I'm not seeing anyone."

"Hmm…" Lapis chewed around her food, "have you considered finally coming out to her? Telling her that boys just really, kinda, sorta, aren't your thing?"

"No. I still haven't had the guts to tell her."

"Well. Maybe now is the time?" Lapis offered.

Peridot just gave an unenthusiastic grunt and stared down at her plate. This was hopeless. She pushed her food around with her fork making neat, contained piles of chicken and mushrooms and rice.

Finally the small, blond woman spoke up. "Hey Lapis, you wanna be my pretend girlfriend?"

Her lithe, blue haired woman looked at her like she had suddenly grown a second head. Then she let out a snort of laughter. "Wow, Per, desperate much? You and I both know your mom will never go for it. We've known each other for years. We're practically sisters. I don't think Yellow would believe it for a second."

"Damnit. I know. You're right. She'd laugh my ass out the door." She paused and threaded her fingers through her hair. "Still, wanna come to Thanksgiving dinner with me and be my support friend for when my mom tells me all about the date she's planned for Ronaldo and I? I'd really appreciate it."

"Ohhh….jeez. Sorry Peri. That little boy who I babysit sometimes on the weekend, Steven, begged me to come to Thanksgiving. His parents invited me after all of his begging and I just couldn't say no! He's just such a sweet boy; I couldn't refuse even if I tried."

Peridot looked dejected again and went back to picking at her food. Lapis, however, had an idea.

"You know. You might be on to something there, Peri. Now hear me out: What if you brought a date to your mother's house next week."

"Nice try Lapis." Peridot stopped her dead in her tracks. "This is literally the same advice Pearl gave me this morning. And I'll give you my same answer: where are we getting this mysterious fake lover for hire? I don't know anyone who's single or willing to play my fake girlfriend."

"Well, you didn't let me finish for starters! We need to find you the biggest, jock-iest, meathead of a significant other that we can find. Seriously, they need to be the total opposite of everything your mother wants you to have in a partner. You show up with this person to Thanksgiving and make a whole big show about how in love you are and how you want to get married. Long story short: it will piss your mom off to no end and she'll demand that you break up. You just need to pitch a fit long enough to bargain with her: you'll break up, but only on the condition that she calls off the date and stops interfering with your love life forever. Ta-da! Problem solved!"

Now it Peridot's turn to look at her roommate like she had lost her mind. "Great idea Lapis!" she barked sarcastically, "But we're still at the same conclusion: where are we getting this random meathead to play my obnoxious lover?"

"What about Ruby? She fits the bill to a 'T'."

Lapis was right, their football star friend from high school was actually pretty perfect for the part. Buff, hotheaded, and all around a little bit of an asshole. There was only one problem. "Didn't you hear? She and Sapphire are engaged. And there's no way she'd fake a relationship with me."

Lapis shrugged. "Shit. We're old now. Our friends are getting married for reasons other than 'Whoops. Accidentally knocked someone up'. That does sort of limit our options though….

"I know! You can put out an ad on Craigslist! I can see it now! 'Cute, single, white female seeks felon with no high school degree and a scary, rusty panel van like something you'd see used in a high profile kidnapping. Needed to torment mother out of persistent pestering to find a significant other. Payment includes cash and free Thanksgiving meal'. See! Easy as that." Lapis grinned madly, clearly proud of her ability to craft an ad looking for what was probably a serial killer.

"Fuck no! Have you lost your mind?! Knowing my luck, the person who answers my ad will be an axe murder. Having to spend Thanksgiving with my mother is bad enough – getting axe murdered on top of all of that is where I have to draw the line." Peridot sneered and pointed at Lapis for emphasis.

By this point, Lapis was in tears from giggling so hard, clearly finding the whole situation too comical to handle. But her laugher was infectious and soon Peridot found herself laughing along with her trying to make sense of the silly situation.

They took a moment to breathe and collect themselves. Peridot felt an odd rush of relief wash over her. Leave it to Lapis to make her feel better by coming up with some bizarre solution and equally terrible scenario.

Finally it was Lapis who broke the silence. She put a hand on Peridot's shoulder.

"Listen Peri, we just gotta find you a quick fake lover. Here's what we'll do: This weekend, lets pick you out some cute outfits, slut it up a bit, and we'll go check out some bars, or a gym, sportscar dealership, I don't know! Somewhere where we can find some doofuses! Shouldn't be hard to get them to play along. We'll figure something out."

"I'm not going to 'slut it up', Lapis. You know that. You know I'm shy and get nervous talking to new people."

"Don't worry girl. You got this."

"I hope so." She murmured. Peridot collected the dishes of the table and added them to the growing pile in the sink. "I'm going to go lay down for a bit. I can't deal right now."

Lapis turned to her friend and pulled her into a big, reassuring hug. "I'm sorry you're mom's the way she is. But look, I'm worried about you. You don't really ever go out and you haven't had a serious girlfriend for a few years now. You're young and cute, so go out and have fun."

Peridot remained silent, but reluctantly hugged back. It had been a long time since she had put herself out there, hadn't it?