Chapter 10: Aftermath

I had moved in with Morgan for my recovery, and none in the team seemed to have been surprised by it. To be honest, they appeared to be a bit relieved that I wouldn't be alone. In some way, they had probably expected it, considering they knew how guilty Morgan felt about the whole deal. It was however more than likely that they were expecting that I move back home once I was better, and I wasn't sure that was going to happen. At the very least, I had no intention of moving back to my apartment, even though nothing had actually happened there.

Basically, my apartment screams of loneliness. I've been living there since I moved to Virginia, and I have barely ever even had any guests over. Normally, that doesn't bother me; I enjoy being alone and being able to sit down in my chair with a good book. But now it had a dark feeling to it. Morgan's place however, it just screams of Morgan, and it makes me feel grounded and comfortable. With Morgan, I'm able to sit down in a chair and read while he does other things, and I'm still able to feel comfortable with that. I don't feel that I have to entertain him, or even talk to him, but yet he's there as a constant, comforting presence. I feel safe here. I feel safe with him. But when I'm alone, I still have a hard time from stopping the dark thoughts from creeping up on me.

Quint was dead, but so many people had lost their lives because of him. Deep in my mind, I thought "because of me", but I was trying to avoid giving too much attention to that part of myself. They had found the boy that Quint had been protecting prior to finding me. He had told me the boy had been sick which wasn't a lie in itself as he'd had a heart condition, but he had been Quint's first kill. As we had suspected it was after that that he'd started killing my academic colleagues, and taking… substitutes. He'd started stalking me ever since his first victim had gotten the diagnosis. I shivered.

'Hey, Spencer, you sure you don't want me to stay back today?' Derek asked, looking at me in concern as he came into the kitchen and grabbed a cup of coffee before he sat down across from me at the table.

'You've already taken seven days of vacation since I came back. You need to get back to work.' I forced myself to look indifferent about it. He had barely left my side since I woke up at the hospital, for which I was grateful, but I couldn't keep relying on him to keep my mind at ease.

'I don't…' he sighed softly and put his hands over mine that were wrapped around my coffee cup. 'I'm more concerned about what you need.'

'I'm fine.' I smiled. 'I don't need to be under constant surveillance.'

'Surveillance?'

'Aren't you watching me around the clock?'

'Only because I enjoy watching you, love.' He said and I looked at him in embarrassment. Obviously, I had set myself up for that remark.

He sighed. 'All right, fine, I'll go. But I'll call you during lunch. Get some more rest.' He said, moving his hands away from mine and standing up.

'I've been resting.' I said petulantly. He just came around the table, bent down for a kiss and went off to get ready for work.

I stayed back, tending to my coffee. I was still incredibly quick to tire. I'd been released from the hospital after eight days, with instructions not to do anything strenuous and to come back in a couple of weeks for a return appointment. When Morgan had driven me home, he hadn't even asked where we were going, he'd just taken me to his place and tucked me in the bed, since the car ride had been a bit of a pain. And before that, obviously, I had been sleeping a lot in the hospital. So I really had been resting! A lot!

'Baby, rest!' Morgan called as he came back out from the bathroom.

'I give up.' I shook my head, and carefully got to my feet. I wasn't really able to move around a lot. The broken ankle made it impossible to walk normally. A hairline fracture and the still healing gunshot wound in my right arm made it impossible to use two crutches. I had gotten a wheelchair from the hospital, but I didn't really like using it and I had opted for using just one crutch. I wasn't supposed to be moving around much anyways.

'Let me help.' Morgan muttered softly and gently wrapped his arm around my waist. I did my best to avoid wincing as he touched me. I'd gotten used to every touch hurting, so even though the bruises had healed and the ribs were well on their way to healing, I braced myself for a pain I was somehow sure would come. 'I can go get the wheelchair.' He said softly as we walked slowly towards the bedroom.

'I like being able to move around on my own.' I said and he made a sound of disbelief.

'Yeah, like you're doing right now.' He helped me sit down on the bed.

'Pretty much.' I agreed and used my hands to carefully lift my broken ankle onto the bed.

'Call if you need anything.' Derek said tenderly and leaned down for a kiss before he left for work.

I listened as he locked the door and waited for about five minutes before I got out of bed, hobbled my way over to my bag and dug out the copies of the remaining journals I'd asked Garcia to make for me. I carefully sat down in the couch and started to read.

I was terrified by the gaps in my memory, wondering what had been done to me during this time. I was rather certain Quint wouldn't have shot me up while I was already out. Which meant that my mind was protecting me from something, and the memories were definitely there, somewhere and I thought that maybe the journals would jog them out.

It's very possible that it wasn't the smartest thing to do the first time I was completely alone. I hadn't read them up until now because I was worried about what Derek would think. But he didn't understand how incredibly disconcerting it was for me to have forgotten parts of what had happened to me.

Unfortunately, as sick as the journals were, and as much as I recognized from my own time in captivity, I couldn't remember anything more.

…

I woke up to hearing the phone ringing, and groaned when I realized that I had fallen asleep in the couch and the phone was still by the bed. I got up, making the papers fall to the floor. I hesitated for a moment before I decided to leave the papers for now and hopped on my good leg, supporting myself against the wall, to get to the phone. Just as I reached it, it stopped ringing and I cursed softly as I hit redial.

'Reid!' Morgan answered immediately, sounding terrified.

'Sorry, I was sleeping.' I said honestly and I heard him let out a small breath.

'You all right?'

'Yeah, I'm good.' I said, worrying at my bottom lip with my teeth. I knew what I had to do to try and jog my memory, but how could I ask him?

'Hey, what's wrong?' He asked and I sighed.

'Stop profiling me.' I admonished gently. 'I was on the couch and kind of had to hurry to get to the phone.'

'I thought you said you were sleeping?'

'I was. On the couch.'

'Why?' He asked after a moment of hesitation.

'Listen, Derek, I… I need you to do something for me?'

'Anything.' He said, and I could tell he was getting genuinely worried.

'Could you get the team and come pick me up. I need to go to the cabin.'

'What? Just give us the direction, we'll go.'

'No. I'm not letting you guys see it without me.'

'Reid…'

'Just… please?' I said and he sighed.

'We'll pick you up in thirty.'

'Thanks… Love you.' I added the last part as a bit of an afterthought; it was the first time we spoke on the phone since we'd confessed to each other. I knew he was at work, probably with the others nearby since he'd called me Reid when he picked up, so he wouldn't really be able to respond in kind, but I still felt the need to tell him.

'You too.' He said warmly, and I felt a little giddy. I probably had the most stupid smile on my face as I hung up the phone.

We'd had the discussion previously, about me just giving them the location to the cabin. I was feeling very guilty about making Derek keep the fact that I remembered where the cabin was from the rest of the team. I kept telling myself that it was all right. We had enough evidence on Quint already, and the shooting had already been declared just. But, for all intents and purposes, I was withholding evidence, and I was making Derek help me do it. It was selfish of me, and besides that part, it was also highly unprofessional. I knew that. But still I hadn't been able to bring myself to divulge the location of the cabin.

…

True to Derek's words, an SUV pulled up outside of his place after thirty minutes. I hobbled my way outside and the back door to the SUV opened. I got inside and smiled comfortingly at Morgan who sat in the back seat next to me. Hotch and JJ were sitting in the front, with Hotch at the wheels.

'Rossi and Emily are on an interview.' Morgan answered my unasked question.

I nodded, not entirely sure how I felt about that. Had I been able, I would have gone out completely alone, sparing everyone the experience. But since I couldn't, I wanted them all there, to support each other. And, to be honest, to support me.

'Reid?' Hotch asked. 'Where to?' I hadn't even realized the car had started moving.

'Fort Valley.' I muttered and wrapped my uninjured arm around my midsection, trying to convince myself that my ribs weren't trying to crawl their way out of my skin.

'Hey, Reid.' Derek said, concern clear in his voice and I gave him a small smile, slightly uncomfortable with the fact that he brought attention to how incredibly frail I was right now.

'I'm fine.'

'What made you remember it now, Reid?' JJ asked curiously and I looked away in guilt.

'He never forgot.' Hotch answered for me. When I thought about it, it was obvious that he'd known. After all, he hadn't even asked me to go through a cognitive interview.

'I'm sorry.' I said.

'It's okay, Reid.' Hotch said, making me lift my eyebrows in surprise. That was a far cry from the rebuke I had expected. 'We had enough evidence against Quint already. We didn't need to push you right then for something you didn't want to share.'

'Thanks, guys.' I said, entirely embarrassed that they had to go out of their way to protect my state of mind. I knew that they always would though.

'We've got your back, Spence.' JJ said comfortingly, reaching back with her hand and patted me on the knee before she turned back around.

The two-hour car trip was torture. My ribs were screaming bloody murder, and the strain on the knife-wound was excruciating. I couldn't really lean back properly against the seat, so I had twisted, leaning my right shoulder against the door and my left against the seat. You would think the gun-wound had healed more, but when I used that shoulder to keep balanced, I certainly noticed it hadn't.

Morgan was shooting me concerned glances the entire ride, and I caught myself thinking I was happy we hadn't shared any details with the team yet; because I had no doubt in my mind that all that he wanted to do was to gather me up and protect me against the evil car that was currently hurting me. The thought made me chuckle. Derek's surprised look made me laugh even harder, and I knew I was working my way towards panic, so I forced myself to stop.

'Care to share?' Morgan asked when I'd calmed down, caught somewhere in between being amused and concerned.

'No.' I said, just as I saw the turn coming up. 'Up right through the woods here, Hotch.'

The cabin soon came into full view. It was larger than I had thought, but then again, he had kept me in one room the entire time. The windows were barred, just as I remembered.

As soon as Hotch stopped the car, I got out and almost fell to the ground. JJ put her hand around my arm, helping me stabilize myself, before she handed me my crutch. I took it gratefully, and leaned on it. Derek hovered on my other side. Hotch was making a call to Garcia, giving her our position and asking her to send out a team for evidence gathering before he also joined us. I was sure he'd waited with doing it so we could have some time to go through the cabin on our own first. I gave Hotch a nod to show him that I was grateful and he responded with a small nod of his own. I swallowed tightly as I turned my head towards the cabin and got an increasing feeling of trepidation in the pit of my stomach.

'We don't have to do this now.' Derek said, trying to give me an out, but I shook my head.

'I do.' I muttered and slowly made my way towards the cabin.

It wasn't a surprise that the cabin was locked, but Derek made quick work of it. We stepped directly into the kitchen area and I immediately went to the left. Morgan followed me while Hotch and JJ went to clear the rooms to the right.

I stopped for a moment outside of the first door and took a deep breath to steady myself. I wasn't entirely sure I actually wanted to do this anymore. I wasn't sure I wanted to know what was behind these doors.

'Spencer?' Morgan whispered softly, and I felt his hand brush mine carefully. I turned my head a bit to look at him and I gave him what I hoped was a comforting smile before I put my hand on the doorknob and twisted it open.

The smell hit me immediately, and I heard Morgan gag at my side.

'Stay back for a bit.' I muttered, wanting to see it alone first, and took a step inside of the room, walking onto the spread newspapers.

The window was where I remembered it, with the bowls of food and water underneath. The oversized dog bed sat inconspicuously in the corner. Blood was splattered everywhere. Some pools were larger than others. One in particular caught my attention, and I remembered the moment I had thrown up all that blood, terrifying myself. The smell was coming from the other corner, and though I finally remembered what I would find when looking towards it, I couldn't stop myself. I turned to it and saw the feces he hadn't bothered to clean up before we'd left. I swallowed tightly, feeling bile start to rise in my throat. Why had I asked my team to come? They didn't need to see this.

I flinched when I felt a soft hand take a hold of mine and squeeze it gently. It was JJ subtly reminding me they had my back. They would be there for me. I squeezed back, grateful, but still not entirely convinced I had made the correct choice in bringing them here.

I limped over to the bowls and frowned as I saw a clear fluid on the newspaper. I could feel my heart try to beat its way out of my chest, or possibly crawl out of my throat. I knew what that was, and saw Quint stand in front of me, masturbating, and everything came back to me. I was going to throw up.

I left, as quickly as I could with my crutch, and I heard the others call after me. As soon as I was outside of the cabin, I fell to my hands and knees, barely noticing the added pain, and threw up violently.

'Spence.' JJ whispered next to me and gently gathered my hair back as I retched.

'Sorry.' I moaned, feeling tears come to my eyes from the force of the heaving.

'Don't worry, Spence.' She said and put her free hand on my back, drawing small circles with it. I tried my best to avoid flinching at her touch. At least I managed to contain it to simply tensing up, which could easily be attributed to the fact that I was throwing up. She shouldn't touch me.

It was minutes before I was anywhere near done, and when I was, I was exhausted. I was in so much pain, both physical and psychological. I leaned over to my side, and felt myself sway. Somehow Derek managed to get there in time, and he caught me around my shoulders. I tensed up again. Just what did he think of me now, after having seen that? But when I thought about it, he'd probably known. I must have been covered in body fluids when I was rescued as well, and he had only told me no signs of intercourse had been found. Why hadn't he told me?

'Spencer.' Derek whispered softly, voice shaking. I just shook my head, not really up to talking. 'Please.' He begged and I pushed away from him, getting to my feet. I immediately stumbled and Morgan made a grab for me again but I waved him off again.

'Morgan,' Hotch said, 'go and help close off the crime scene.' Apparently the forensics team had arrived. 'Jareau, help Spencer into the car, we're leaving in a moment.' I wasn't too far gone to reflect over the fact that Hotch was using my first name, giving me a clear indicator that he was worried.

I could almost hear Morgan growl as he turned away from me. Then JJ put her hand on mine and I wrapped my injured arm around her shoulders as she handed me the crutch. I sighed, realizing I wouldn't get out of it, so I leaned heavily on the crutch and just put a little weight on JJ as we walked slowly to the car.

She helped me get inside and I took a deep breath as she closed the door after me. I was alone, and I was hurting, and I just wanted a fix. I froze at the thought and shivered violently as JJ got into the car on the other side.

'Spence.' she cooed gently, scooting closer and reaching out to put her hand over mine that was frantically scratching the crook of my elbow.

'I'm fine.' I think I was trying to convince myself as much as I was trying to convince her.

'Spence, I don't have to be a profiler to see that you aren't fine.' She muttered.

'I will be. Just… give me a moment.' I said and she squeezed my hand tightly before letting it go as Morgan and Hotch got into the car. I crossed my arms over my chest, making sure I wouldn't scratch anymore. I couldn't let them see how close I was to breaking.

The ride back was taken in complete silence. I was staring out of the window, without really seeing what we were passing. I remembered the exact moment I had felt my rib crack under the force of his kicks. I remembered how he had made me do all my business on the newspapers, and how he had cleaned it up twice a day. I remembered how he had been petting me, and how he'd been touching himself while I was drinking from the water bowl. I remembered… oh gods, I didn't want to remember. I felt a shiver run through my body. I felt dirty.

'Reid.' Morgan said softly, and I jumped. 'We're here.' He said and nodded towards the house, apparently Hotch had already stopped the car. I was confused at how fast we'd gotten there before I realized I'd been zoning out during the entire ride.

'Sorry.' I murmured. 'Thanks, guys.' I avoided looking at anyone as I slowly got out of the car, leaning on the crutch. Morgan was quickly hovering beside me and I heard the car pull away. Ten seconds later, Morgan pulled me into his arms, making me squirm.

'Let me go, Morgan.' I said, and he pulled back a bit, but kept me at arms length, looking into my eyes. He was looking for something to tell him that I was fine, that I wasn't distancing myself from him. But I wasn't fine.

'Kid…'

'Don't do that!' I snapped. 'You don't get to profile me and try to get into my head without my say so.'

'Spencer.' He breathed. I shook my head angrily and stepped away from him, limping to the door. There, I had to stop, because I didn't have a key, and I pointedly looked away from Morgan as he unlocked and opened the door.

'Spencer, please.' He said, raising his hand to touch me, but dropped it as I glared at him.

'I'm going to grab a shower.' I muttered and went directly to the bathroom.

I managed to get out of my clothes, and remove the boot on my broken ankle. Getting over the edge of the bathtub was painful, but once in it, I was grateful it was a tub and not a shower. I didn't think I could handle standing up for very much longer.

I mechanically reached for the showerhead and turned on the water, letting the stream hit me. I turned up the heat a bit; warmer water is more effective in removing dirt after all. I took the soap and began scrubbing.

Quint had touched me. Everywhere. There wasn't a single place on me that was clean. But above all that, he had been masturbating, and I remembered when he ejaculated and something wet hit me on the back.

I gagged, and dry heaved over the edge of the tub, having already thrown up everything inside of me.

I became more frantic in my scrubbing and flinched as I felt my skin break.

'No…' I whimpered. 'I can't…' I can't do this. I can't destroy myself like this. I curled up painfully, feeling the tears burn hot in my eyes.

'Spencer!' Derek knocked forcefully on the door, and I vaguely wondered how long he'd been standing there.

'I…' I swallowed. 'Please, help me.' I said softly, rocking myself to and fro.

I don't know how he heard me. I don't know if he heard me. But he opened the door and we looked at each other. The pain in his eyes was clear.

'Get him off me.' I whimpered, staring at Derek. I was slightly appalled with myself, but so emotionally drained that I just couldn't care.

'Oh, baby.' He exhaled, grabbed a towel from the rack and took one long step to the edge of the bathtub. He turned off the water and leaned down over me. I reached up, putting my arms around his neck as he put his right arm behind my back, hooking it in my armpit, and then hooked his left arm under my knees. He easily lifted me up and I buried my head against the crook of his neck. I didn't want to deal anymore.

He gently put me down on the bed and wrapped me tightly in the towel before he sat down behind me and pulled me into his arms again. I put my head against his chest and he moved one of his hands to my head, gently moving his fingers in my hair, holding me close.

'Talk to me, baby.' He said and started to rock slowly.

'You know, rocking can be used to handle…' I started.

'Don't hide, baby.' He interrupted immediately. 'Talk to me.'

'He… he touched me.' I muttered. I thought it was too low for him to hear but then I realized he had frozen, and I started to pull back. As soon as I did, he tightened his hold around me.

'I'm sorry, baby. Stay here.' He said and I sighed.

'He treated me like a dog. Everything he did was to tell me he was my master…' I shivered. 'I couldn't… do anything.'

'Baby…' Morgan muttered and put his chin over my head, as though trying to wrap himself as far around me as possible, trying to protect me. It felt right.

'The worst parts weren't the kicks, or even the drugs. I… I said I didn't want them… but I wasn't strong enough.' I felt his breath hitch. While he had helped me through the withdrawals at the hospital, I hadn't actually talked to him about this part. About the fact that I had actually wanted Quint to drug me. That I had been secretly happy to see the vial brought out. I hadn't even admitted that part to myself until now.

'I know no one stronger than you, baby.' He whispered and I just shook my head in disagreement, but didn't continue that discussion. Maybe Derek would forget I'd ever mentioned it.

I continued talking instead, to keep him off the conversation that I really wasn't ready to say anything more about.

'The worst was what he was doing in between. He was petting me. He was watching me, and touching himself, and I was so scared he was going to move on to touching me like that.'

The rocking intensified in frequency, and I knew this was hard on Morgan. This had actually happened to him, he had gotten through it, and here I was, breaking down for something so much less…

'No! No, baby. Don't think that. Don't diminish this. Don't diminish yourself!' He said, breath obviously catching in his throat. I'd said it out loud?

'I antagonized him. He needed me to be pliant to be able to fulfill his fantasy, but I couldn't… I couldn't do that.'

'I know, baby, I know.' He said tightly, and I turned my head up to look at him. I'm not sure I've ever seen Morgan crying before, and I didn't like it, especially when I knew I was the one who had put the tears there.

I turned around ungracefully and put my left hand on the back of his head, pulled him down, and kissed his cheeks gently, tasting the salt from his tears.

'I'm sorry.' I said and moved further down to kiss his neck, then to his collarbone, and he gave a small moan and pulled me closer. I started to unbutton his shirt, feeling myself shiver, but then he grabbed my hands with one hand, and lifted my chin up with his other, making me look into his eyes. Apparently, he didn't find what he was searching for, because he gave a deep sigh.

'Spencer, we can't do this now.'

I frowned, turning my head to the side, waiting for an explanation.

'You… went through something horrible, I can't…'

'I want him off me.' I said, turning my eyes to him, and he looked as though he understood.

'I know, baby, but this isn't the way, believe me.'

'Then what should I do?' I asked in desperation, and felt the betraying tears fall down from my own eyes.

'Stay with me. Talk to me. We'll work our way through it together.' He said, put his arms around me again and gently lowered us to lie on the bed, and covered me with the blankets. I shivered, feeling how cold I had been.

'I'll always stay.' I said tenderly and he leaned over me to kiss me on my lips before he lay down next to me, pulled me in against his chest and wiggled his arm in under my head.

'I'm sorry.' I said after a moment and he froze. 'Not for… that, but for trying to make you…'

'Hey.' He said and put his hand on my chin, using his thumb to turn my head towards him. 'I love you. Don't doubt that.'

'I love you too.' I leaned forward to kiss him, but winced when my broken ribs chose that time to make themselves reminded. And once I'd felt that first nick of pain, I realized that most of my body was hurting quite a bit,

'Spencer?' Derek asked in alarm, and I exhaled sharply, letting my head fall back on his arm.

'I think maybe I've overdone it a bit today.' I said drily. 'Do you have some pain meds?' My mind momentarily travelled to wanting something stronger, but then I looked at Derek. His eyes were full of concern and love, and I couldn't remember having seen that since some of my mother's more lucid days, and I felt safe.

It would take time, and it would take effort, but he was right.

We would get through this together.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.

-Helen Keller

A/N:

Thank you for sticking with me until the end, it means a lot that you've taken time of your day to read this story.

A huge thanks to all that have left reviews/favved my work, you really make my day.

To those of you that have left constructive criticism; I'm grateful that you are pointing out what steps I can take to become a better writer. I will do my best to incorporate what you've taught me in any future work.

Until next time

- yaruna