Camellia

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.

Chapter 1: Kurama

I stare at her. Intently watching her every move.

Botan laughs an open-mouthed laugh and proceeds to slap Kuwabara at the arm, saying something about him not winning in a fight against Yusuke anytime soon… or something. I do not really care. I am more preoccupied by the way she is biting her lip, an attempt to control her laughter from getting too overboard. Those pink, cherry lips that I long to taste again…

Stop.

I shake my head furiously and close my eyes in frustration, letting a heavy sigh escape my lips. I am normally not this way around her… I never used to stare at her and feel this way towards her. She is a friend… a good friend at that. But…

Emerald eyes opening, I avert my gaze at her again… but I did not expect my eyes to come into contact with her amethyst ones.

Botan's laughter immediately subsides and her mouth hungs open. For a moment, there is a glint of… something in her eyes. I am not sure what it is, but as soon as it was there, it disappears quickly. Her face turns into an unreadable expression, and she looks away.

… Things between us have really changed since then, haven't they?

I remember the last time I have actually spoken to her.

It was on Yusuke's last birthday.

That was around two months and twenty three days ago.

It has been such a long time. So long that sometimes I begin to wonder to myself if Botan and I are still friends. Things are just so… awkward, tense and… different than before, I do not have the heart to approach her anymore. And neither does she.

I never thought it would turn out this way.

Two months and twenty three days ago, all of us were happily partying in Yusuke's apartment. Chatting and joking around like the close friends we were. Botan and myself included.

It started out like any normal get-together, the truth or dares, spinning the bottle and the such… But then, Shizuru opened the alcohol stash she brought along with her. Everyone was already over eighteen, so I guess she thought there was nothing wrong with that.

Of course, everybody got drunk and I somehow got stuck with Botan in Yusuke's room while the others were all having the time of their lives outside the room. After a while, I had started joking and saying things like, "Hey, Botan, ever imagined if the two of us hooked up and had hot sex? That would be sooo awesoooomeee…!" and then she just played along, and it didn't take long before the two of us continued to exchange dirty jokes.

To this day, I never knew why I actually said that. I think it was the alcohol getting to me. I was drunk. I am not even really sure if I was actually joking then; I hope I was anyway. But nonetheless, it didn't stop what happened between she and I.

We had sex.

Yes, somewhere along the dirty jokes, Botan and I had sex.

I woke up the next day feeling hungover, and I didn't think anyone would be sleeping next to me then.

There was someone.

And she had already woken up by the time I opened my eyes.

Neither of us knew how to react at first at the time, but then Botan just got up and said, "I'm sorry, let's just forget any of this happened.. okay?" She left in a haste as soon as those words left her. I was never sure, but I could've sworn that morning had been the first time I have ever heard Botan slammed a door so hard. The sound so loud that I flinched, and my ears had hurt.

I had just sat there on the bed, staring at the wooden door for what felt like ages… and then I slammed my head. The only thing I remember saying to myself then was, "Fuck me."

…

Since then, Botan started to avoid me altogether. I tried to talk to her, but after a while, I end up doing the same thing she did… Then, we just stopped talking.

Sometimes I would stare, and she would catch me looking but then she would look away. Of course, there had been a few times I was the one who was stared at by her, but before I could ever catch her, she would always turn away… but I had always been sure she was watching. I could always feel her eyes on me.

A fortnight after the incident, I keep having the same dream… about her. I dream of her naked flesh, against mine… her voice, so wanton and full of desire… her body arching up in the air everytime I touch her… I do not know where this dream comes from but it is always the same thing that happens. Botan and I… we…

I sigh, running my long, rough fingers in my red tresses and I furrow my brows.

The dream… I figure it is something from that night. Maybe my memories are coming to me in the form of a dream? Is that it? Perhaps… then that would make that dream something that had actually happened that night.

I shiver.

I do not know, but I can always remember how that dream has always make me feel. The feeling of touching her, so vivid, so good… and her moans… Oh, God… I can never forget how good that dream makes me feel. That dream makes me feel like… I want to touch her again. Feel her, taste her. Show her how good I am at sex, and bend her over like a bitch in heat.

But I cannot.

If I do that, I will only drive her even further away from me than she is now… and even that is a little unbearable and uncomfortable. The thought of destroying our friendship; the close friendship we've built for years… over something like lust? I could never forgive myself if I did that.

But… these days, are we still friends? I am not sure… and I do not know.

… If that night hadn't happen—

"Kurama-kun!"

I snap out of my thoughts at the sound of a feminine voice calling for me. On instinct, I turn to Botan… but then I realize the voice was far different than hers. The one calling me was not the girl I was hoping for.

Looking the other way at Keiko, I could only inquire, "Yes?" I hope she had not noticed me looking at Botan just now… or anyone for that matter.

"Why are you all spaced-out? I have your mother at the phone with me. She wants to talk to you," she says. Concern is clear in her brown eyes and it does not take me that long to realize I have been spacing out too long.

"Ah, yes. I see. Hand me the phone then."

She does that, and I thank her.

My face is as calm as usual, my voice polite and there is no way anyone can tell I was bothered by the way Botan preoccupies my mind too much. Why am I letting this get to me so much?

Keiko is a smart girl; I am not surprised if she noticed. But at this rate… if this keeps up… everyone is going to know that something is wrong with me.

Where has the me that always kept his cool gone to? My head were in the clouds far too long… Too long. Too long. Too long.

Oh, God…

Even as I talk to mother, I manage to glance at Botan. The girl that is taking too much space in my head. The Grim Reaper… Beautiful, wonderful Botan…

I shake my head inwardly, and look away.

I need to get my head straight.