FOUR

After meeting Bella that night, I couldn't sleep. Once I'd gotten my fix and the heroin I'd smoked had evaporated from my veins, I lay awake thinking about her. I wondered where she was and with whom, which brought about the realization that I was already in too deep since imagining her with another man made me furious. It was glaringly obvious then that I was interested in her as something more than a fling, making me fear the repercussions which could arise if my feelings weren't reciprocated.

Then, I laughed.

There was no way in Hell I'd have a chance with someone like Bella.

From what little I'd seen of her, I could tell she was a good girl. Getting involved with Bella meant eventually hurting her, and I wasn't sure I wanted that. She seemed pure, untainted—unlike me. I would bring her nothing but problems, so there was no point in trapping Bella in the mayhem of my life.

I laughed again when I recognized I was getting way ahead of myself once more.

In my world, good things never happened, so why would they start now?

Fantasizing and thinking about Bella would do me no good, yet I couldn't help it, especially not after seeing her again the following night. We didn't say anything to each other besides cordial greetings, though, and when I'd finally gathered the courage to speak to her on Sunday, I learned it was her day off.

So, the days passed and my mundane existence followed through with routines I'd perfected over the years. Did I think of her? Fuck, yeah, I did. Bella had obviously taken residence in my mind, the thought of her sneaking up on me in the most random moments, yet it felt like Bella was ever-present. Although, what I never imagined was that she'd show up at Pike Place while I was busking.

Despite being Thursday, the day had been good for me. I'd barely sung one set of four songs, and I'd already made enough tips to afford lunch and possibly two dime bags. I wasn't one-hundred-percent sure, because I hadn't counted the change in my guitar case yet, but I'd been surviving on tips long enough to know it was most possibly accurate. Feeling excited about it, I began to sing Staind's "Outside," aware it would help me make even more money seeing as people loved the song.

I put all of my feeling into my performance, loving the way more people were gathering around me. I'd gotten used to being the focus of attention, yet there seemed to be someone in the audience who was particularly observing me since I could feel their lingering gaze. When I searched for that person in the crowd, I never expected it to be Bella.

She smirked as we locked gazes, causing me to slightly falter in my performance, yet I recovered quickly. As I strummed the last chords of "Outside" on my guitar, I quickly chose which song I'd sing next.

It was truly fitting in my situation.

I looked down and took a deep breath as I played the opening notes of Radiohead's "Creep." When I looked up again, I noticed Bella was still watching me intently, as if she knew I was singing that song for her, although it was crazy to think so.

How could she know how damaged I was? How I longed for a better life, a different situation where I was her equal? She could never imagine I was a homeless addict who sang for spare change to support my vice. She might wonder why I didn't have a normal job, but she'd never conceive such an atrocious idea of what I lived day to day.

I didn't dwell too much on that, though. Instead, I focused on the melody and lyrics of a song which almost resembled a prayer. Not that I was religious or anything, but if there were truly a deity who watched over us, I'd beg him or her to have mercy on me so Bella wouldn't run for the hills when she learned who I was.

Eventually, I shifted my gaze around the crowd, noticing how my song choice affected them in different ways. Some were simply enjoying it by watching and listening while a few would sing along, and then there was the occasional broken-hearted girl who would cry, feeling each lyric deep in her bones.

That's the power music has.

It can take you back to a specific moment, remind you of someone or a period in your life, and it can save your life. It doesn't matter what genre or time period it belongs in, music touches people's hearts in various forms. For me, it has always been my passion.

It's what's kept me alive all these years.

I could be without food and a roof above my head, but as long as I had my guitar with me, I had everything. It's something that's connected me to my past and kept me afloat in the present. There were some songs I couldn't play since they reminded me of my mother and caused me to breakdown, but most others set me free from the prison my mind can be.

And so, as I sang about wanting a perfect soul, I bared my soiled one to Bella and everyone else present. It hurt to admit all my faults even if it was through a song, but at the same time, it somewhat liberated me to voice the new desires Bella had evoked in me.

When I finished playing, everyone clapped, causing me to smirk sheepishly as I usually did when someone praised me.

"Thank you," I said, as people started putting money in my guitar case.

Bella stepped forward then, grinning from ear to ear. "That was spectacular, man. You're crazy talented."

"Thanks," I muttered, looking down as I shifted my guitar. "I'm glad you liked the songs I played."

"Like them? I loved them."

I gazed up at her, nodding. "That's great."

"I'd seen you sing before at the pub, but this is something else," she gushed.

"Yeah?"

"Definitely." Bella nodded. "James said I had to see it firsthand when he told me about how he'd hired you."

"So you came all the way here just to see me sing?"

Bella chuckled. "And to buy some stuff at the Farmers' Market for dinner. Leah, my roommate, wants me to make some eggplant Parmesan, so what better place to buy ingredients for it than here, right?"

"Right," I agreed, observing her closely and noticing how differently she looked in the day.

One of the things I was able to distinguish better were Bella's grey eyes, and I saw the speckled freckles she had beneath them for the very first time as well. The sunlight also gave her long, dark hair a reddish glow, which contrasted greatly with her pale skin, making her look even more beautiful, if possible.

"Well, I should probably get going," Bella said, breaking me out of my thoughts. "I need to head home soon; otherwise, I'm not going to be able to finish cooking on time."

"Okay," I sighed, hating to see her go so soon. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow night, then."

Bella bit her lip, rocking on her heels. "Actually," she began, "I wanted to see if you wanted to hang out sometime? Maybe have some coffee together? Well, if you're not seeing anyone, that is."

I couldn't help the crooked smirk which formed on my face.

I had Bella right where I wanted her.

The question was what I was going to do about it?

The right thing would have been to tell her the truth—to tell her who I really was—to say I was really flattered but I wasn't emotionally available or some bullshit like that. Because I knew by accepting her invitation, I was condemning us both. We'd end up broken when it was all said and done; when she realized the piece of shit I truly was.

But I was a selfish bastard, and I wanted her all for myself, if only for a little while.

So, nodding, I said yes.

I was going to go to Hell, anyway, right?

It was a fact, especially after I'd just detonated the time bomb which would eventually destroy our hearts.

A/N: Welp, that's all, folks! Hope you liked it, and if it hurt you a bit, then it means I did my job right. Many people have asked me to expand this story, but that's not something in my plans right now. At the moment, I'm writing a whole bunch of other stuff, so I don't have time for it. Also, a story like this takes a toll on you, man. I mean, that's why I haven't updated "Fire Meet Gasoline" in ages…

Any-who, let's get to the important stuff! I need to thank Alice's White Rabbit for her awesome beta skills, as well as allihavetodoisdream and tanglingshadows for pre-reading and giving me their thoughtful insight. They all seriously rock!

See ya next time! ;)