Trigger warning for talk about suicide/death, as this is about Max doing her best in coming to terms with Kate's passing. A small oneshot I thought up and wrote in between chapters for my main fic. Hope you all enjoy it, as sad as it may be.

It had been a month.

Kate Marsh passed away a month ago, October 8, 2013.

Max was still in shock.

No matter how much comfort the grief counseling at Blackwell had given her, or the other girls in the dorm, or Chloe and her own parents, things just weren't right still.

They never would be, ever again.

Max could have saved her.

She was on the roof with her.

Max could've said something more.

Could've tried something more.

She failed.

And Kate Marsh was gone forever now.

…

Ever since that night, the night after it happened, where she jolted awake in a cold sweat, crying, shouting Kate's name, she was going to do everything she could to still keep her in the front of her mind.

She messed up with that too.

The funeral was scheduled for a little over a week after she passed, and although Max was set on going to it— set on speaking after being asked to, she couldn't.

She lied in her bed all day and sobbed her eyes out.

Max had meant to visit her grave at least once— twice a week even.

She couldn't.

It was always a case of being too tired after classes, not being ready to face Kate after what had happened.

Today was finally the day though.

She had already cleared going off campus to see Kate with Principal Wells, who for once was surprisingly understanding and accommodating of the situation. He had been a part of that day, maybe that was why.

Now that it was November, it was starting to get chilly in sleepy Arcadia Bay, Max made sure to bundle up with her usual hoodie and this time a beanie, one of Chloe's. Not her usual look, but it was hard to keep warm this time of year, and she'd be standing outside for a while… she didn't want to freeze.

It was a quiet bus drive to the stop near the cemetery, aside from the driver she was the only one on the bus, left in her thoughts.

She left her phone in the dorm room that day, as Warren and Chloe had the tendency to text a bunch lately, to make sure that she was still ok, and she just wanted to be left alone with her best friend to talk.

All Max hoped was that Kate wouldn't be mad for how long it took for her to finally show up. It was probably silly to think of it like that— Kate was the nicest, sweetest person in the world. The idea of her being mad seemed impossible, yet Max had done nothing but mess up with her ever since she met her, it seemed.

If she was mad, she had every reason to be.

The bus screeched to a halt. Max had been deep in her thoughts and didn't realize how long she had been on the bus, really. Time didn't matter at this moment— it was better if she didn't know what time it was. It just meant more time that Max could spend with Kate.

She got off the bus, nothing more than just a mumble of thanks as she folded her arms, huddling herself up as the cold breeze hit her. If she felt under the weather after this, so be it, Kate was the only thing that mattered today.

From the bus stop, the cemetery was just a mere block away, and Max was already on her way. With each step, dread filled her body. She wanted to see Kate, she had to… but she was terrified. She was going to see a gravestone, not the sweet girl she knew. She was going to be talking by herself, no reply, no sweet laugh, just silence filling the air around her.

She wanted to turn around, to run back to her bed and cry. She wasn't ready to face her best friend, to apologize for not being there for her.

She kept walking anyways. She had to do it. She would force herself, if she had to.

…

What should have been five minutes turned to ten, as Max's pace slowed more and more the closer she got. But she was finally there. She had gotten an email from Kate's father after the funeral letting her know where Kate would be, and she went straight to it, keeping her gaze forward along the way. She didn't know if she would be able to hold together well if she had paid much attention to the other headstones around.

Finally she found it, and Max had to bite her lip to not burst into tears and immediately fall to the ground.

Kate Marsh

September 12, 1995 - October 8, 2013

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

It was hard to take in. Just over a month ago, Max and Kate were drinking tea outside at Blackwell, and now… this.

She stared down at the gravestone, and gulped hard.

"Hey Kate…" Max said, her voice wavering.

…

No response, of course.

"I, uh… sorry I didn't bring any flowers, or anything. I know I should have, I just… I have no excuse."

Max shifted around in place, wringing her hands.

"And I know you already know this already, I'm sure, but I'm sorry I didn't make it to your funeral. I should have gone, there's no excuse for why I didn't. I just spent the whole day crying."

"I… I really miss you, you know. Nothing is the same without you."

Max looked around briefly. She knew this type of thing was normal at a cemetery, but she wanted to be alone with Kate.

Tuesday morning at the cemetery didn't seem to be too busy though.

"Tea will never be the same without you… and Blackwell won't either. You're talked about a lot… only in good ways, of course."

It was awful that it was Kate's death that was what got all of the Blackwell students to speak great about her, but it had been happening the past month. No one forgot about her. Even Victoria, Courtney, and Taylor had all spoken kindly about her since she passed.

"They've even been thinking of naming the girl's dormitory floor after you. Juliet started a petition and everyone on our floor has signed it, and even some of the guys from the football team have signed it too. We haven't heard back from Principal Wells but we're sure it'll happen. No one wants to forget about you."

…Max froze. She didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry I fucked up, Kate. You deserve better than me. I messed up. I didn't do enough for you."

She could feel her eyes stinging a bit. Max was about to burst into tears soon, she knew that much. It was hard thinking about facing Kate— and even harder to actually do it.

"You're one of the best people I ever met, Kate. That will never change. I just hope you're finding peace. I would do anything in my power if I could to change what happened… but I just hope you're at peace and happy in heaven."

Max wasn't particularly religious, but that didn't matter: Kate was. Max wasn't entirely sure what to think about life after death, but she knew that Kate was looking down at her.

"You're going… you're going to be… You're going to be the greatest, kindest angel ever, Kate," Max said, choking up, now sobbing. She wasn't able to control her tears at this point.

It was a few minutes she stood there, not saying anything, head in her hands, as she just cried. At this point she didn't care if anyone would end up seeing, she needed to let it all out. Being there with Kate right now, finally having to accept her passing… it was suddenly hitting her incredibly hard.

Finally, Max stopped, wiping her eyes and rubbing her nose on the sleeve of her hoodie.

"I'm sorry, I bet I look like a real dork right now," she said with a small smile, her eyes red and puffy, still a few tears falling down her cheeks.

"I can't help but smile around you… even like this," Max said, sighing.

"Like I said, I miss you and I think about you all the time… you inspire me to do better because you've always been so great."

"Oh, and I've been taking care of Alice ever since, don't worry. I know I'm not nearly as good of a mommy as you are, but I'm going to do my best, and I'll make sure she lives a long, happy life."

Max looked down at the ground, before stepping closer to the gravestone and kneeling down in front of it.

"I wish— I wish you were still here… I do everyday. I love you and miss you Kate, you're the best friend I could ever have had at Blackwell… it'll never be the same," Max said, choking on her words every so often, starting to cry again.

"I miss you, but I— none of us deserve you Kate…" Max told her. It was grim, but with how everyone treated Kate— and how Max hadn't done enough— it felt startlingly true.

"Just… just know I care about you and I'll always miss you, a lot of us will, Kate."

"I promise… I promise I'll do better, for you. You were always there for me… and I messed up, I'll change, even if it is too late."

Max could feel her voice wavering again. She thought by now she had to have run out of tears, but she was still going.

"And don't worry, I'll come back every week to visit you, no matter what. I'll tell you everything that's going on. Just like… just like old times," Max told her.

It felt weird… maybe she couldn't let go. Honestly, Max wasn't sure. If she couldn't let go of the fact that Kate wasn't around anymore— that she had committed… suicide… it almost didn't matter. She wanted Kate to be around in any way possible. She wanted things to be as normal as they could be, even if the blond wasn't around anymore.

She stood there in silence for a few minutes, unable to help but stare at Kate's grave. Kate was there, she was right there… and Max would never be able to see her again. Her smile, her sweet face, no more. But she was at peace now… for better or worse.

"I… I think I might get going Kate, I'm sorry. I don't think I'm strong enough to stay here for much longer… it's taking all of my energy to not just be breaking down," Max said with a sigh. She felt weak, but she knew that it was normal. Kate would know that too, and wouldn't want Max beating herself up over having to take care of herself.

"I promise, I'll see you next week, and we'll have a nice talk, and I'll let you know all about everything that's happened," she told her, trying to smile.

"Bye Kate… I love and miss you… and I promise I'll do better," she said, waving to the headstone before walking off, breaking down into tears not too long after walking away.

It was great to see Kate, and she would do everything in her power to come back each week…

But she was never going to be able to see her again, not like how she wanted. Not like how it should be.