Title: grá dearmad (forgotten love) - 1/?
Fandoms: AtS/BtVS
Pairings: Angel/Xander, past Angel/Buffy, other minor pairings
Rating: Eventual NC-17
Wordcount: 2560
Series: Part 2 of the mo mhuirnín dílis (my own true love) series, so if you haven't read the first in the series you're going to be confused... much like the Scoobies in the beginning of this fic. ;-)
Spoilers: BtVS S1-S6, set during S6 episode "Tabula Rasa." Spoilers for AtS S1-S3, set just after S3 episode "Dad".
Warnings: M/M explicit sex, AU, angst, violence, language, misuse of magic, betrayal, part non-con/dub-con, some not so nice treatment of two BtVS characters… A.K.A character bashing, semi-kid!fic.
Summary: After the memory spell in "Tabula Rasa" is broken some past betrayals come to light and forever change the lives of both the Scoobies and the LA gang.
Author's Notes: This is a sequel to "mo mhuirnín dílis (my own true love)". I made a slight edit since posting the prequel, changing the original spell used, so please take note of that... basically the edited spell is "For Angel and Xander, this I char. Let Lethe's Bramble do its chore. Purge their minds of memories unwelcome, of love derived from recent sinful betrayal and untruths. When the fire goes out, the crystal turns black, the spell will be cast. Tabula Rasa, Tabula Rasa, Tabula Rasa." The idea of the spell is just as much intent as it is the words spoken, so when Willow says "recent sinful betrayal and untruths" she is saying those words from her point of view and not from Angel/Xander's.

Alexander Lavelle Harris decided as he ducked out of the way of the vampire coming at him that he just wasn't having a good day. He'd woken up with absolutely no idea who he was and in a room filled with people with exactly the same problem. Three hours later he still couldn't remember his life before waking, but he knew a few things about himself such as his name and that he may or may not have Willow as a girlfriend… that was about it. Well, except the fact that he somehow was involved with a group of people who ran an honest-to-god magic shop, had freaky super powers and that fighting for his life against a vampire felt oddly familiar.

Swinging his fist with every ounce of strength he had, Alexander punched the vampire and grinned in satisfaction as it stumbled backwards from the hit and onto Joan the Vampire Slayer's waiting stake. Yeah, this felt very familiar.

Alexander turned around at the sound of a choked cry and saw another vampire grab Willow. She struggled to get away from it, a small black crystal falling from her pocket as she fought. Alexander ran to help Willow as he saw the vampire begin to lean down for the kill.

"Alex, catch!" yelled Dawn. Looking up, he was just quick enough to catch the stake Dawn threw to him and thrust it into the vampire's back, watching as it poofed into a million tiny pieces of ash.

"Thanks, Alexander… thought I was almost vampire chow for a second and that's not of the good. No Willow Special for these guys, wanna' be old and gray when I pass, yes siree!" Willow babbled as she rubbed the newly formed bruise on her arm.

"Can't let my girlfriend get eaten, now can I?" Alexander teased as he took a step closer to her to wrap an arm around her. Just as he stepped, he heard the sound of glass breaking and looked down to see a wave of green light burst from under his foot.

Stumbling back, Xander shook his head as his memory came back like a tidal wave, flowing over him and pulling him under. All at once he remembered who he was and his life growing up in Sunnydale. He blinked as his mind came back to him and smiled for just a second at the others who looked just as happy to be as whole as him again. He remembered he wasn't Alexander Lavelle Harris, but Xander Harris, even if it most would think there wasn't much of a difference.

But not everyone was happy to remember again, Tara whispered Willow's name in a sad broken voice, looking at her girlfriend with horror. Looking from Tara's angry and sad face to Willow's guilty one, Xander knew that his best friend had done this to all of them.

"Wills, what did you do?" Xander sighed, the weight of his disappointment in his friend falling heavy on Xander's shoulders.

However a second later, another set of memories came back to him, ones that he had lost long before today. Memories flashed in his mind and he collapsed into the chair beside him as he let them overtake him with a sobbing gasp.

Xander and Deadboy guarding the south entrance of the school during a semi-apocalypse involving the Hellmouth, remembering spending five hours sitting by the doors and having an almost friendly conversation with Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Broody… brief flashes of a hundred small moments when he began to see Angel as something other than a danger and rival for Buffy… Snarky little fights with Deadboy in the stacks at the library during an all night research binge and feeling an unfamiliar warmth in his chest when the vampire smiled down at him for the first time… Lying awake at night and letting his mind go where he denied it during the day and craving the vampire's touch… Angel saving him from some vampires that attacked him one night and patching him up at his apartment, where he fell asleep in Angel's bed, surrounded by his scent… Waking up to Angel's arms around him and knowing he loved him and being unable to stop the words from slipping from his lips… Angel telling him he loved Xander back… Buffy finding out about them and blowing up, screaming that Angel was in love with her and that Xander must have been done something to him to make him think they were in love… Buffy chaining up him and Angel as Willow cast a memory spell while Xander pleaded with them to not do it…

Xander let out a low pain filled whine and the fight that had begun when the truth came out ground to a halt as they turned towards him.

"Xander, are you alright?" Giles asked quietly as he knelt down in front of him, squeezing a shoulder in comfort.

Looking into Giles' worried eyes, Xander didn't know if he could speak, his throat closed up as his chest tightened and he felt as if he were dying. He had loved, still loved, Angel so much and knowing that they had been ripped apart for three years because of his friends' jealousy felt like nothing he had ever experienced before.

Rising up from the chair, Xander took slow measured steps towards where Buffy and Willow stood beside each other. "How could you…?" Xander's voice broke and he felt tears fall from his eyes, uncaring as he looked at their confused faces. "… you took him away from me, even as we told you it was real… that we loved each other."

Buffy frowned in confusion and then her eyes widened alarmingly before quickly putting on a confused pitying expression. "Xander… I don't know what you're-"

"I begged you… pleaded… and you still did it. Then you spent nearly FIVE YEARS acting like nothing had even happened!" Xander yelled as he began crowding them into a corner. Xander opened his mouth to speak again and the sound of Buffy's cellphone broke the silence.

Buffy evaded Xander's accusing eyes and looked at the screen, seeing Angel's name on it she answered. "Angel?"

Angel smiled down at his son softly, still in wonder that he was a father, as Connor swung his arms around in excitement. Connor was eagerly drinking from his bottle staring up at Angel like he was the most interesting thing in the world, complete trust in his eyes even in the face of a vampire once known as ¼ of the Scourge of Europe. No matter how Connor came about and no matter what ulterior motives Wolfram & Hart may have, Angel would always believe that being Connor's father was the greatest gift he had ever been given.

From one moment to the next Angel found himself falling to the ground, instinctively cradling Connor protectively in his arms as pain and images flashed in his mind.

Watching the loudmouthed friend of the Slayer as he walked beside her on patrol and being strangely comforted by the boy's wonderful scent, smelling fear on his skin but seeing determination and bravery as Xander stood up to Angel time and time again, having somewhat civil conversations one after the other and watching as they slowly became more friendly and less confrontational, secretly watching over Xander as he walked home each night until one night he got hurt and Angel took him home to recover… hearing Xander tell him he loved him, those beautiful green eyes looking up at him like he was everything good in the world… finally, Buffy screaming that Angel was in love with her not Xander and convincing Willow to do a memory spell to help them "regain" their lost memories…

When Angel finally opened his eyes again he found Cordy kneeling over him with a half concerned, half annoyed look on her face. "You know this is my bit, Angel… I'm the one who collapses in a scream and sees things… not you. Get your own shtick, bub!"

"Angel, are you alright? You were fine one moment and the next you were collapsing and screaming like Cordelia usually does." Wesley asked as he stood nearby, a slightly constipated concerned look on his face that was normal for the man.

"I'm alright, but I've got to make a call... now!" Angel growled and stalked to the phone on the entree-way counter and dialed the Slayer's number, punching each number with a forced calm, making every effort not to destroy the phone in his furious state.

The phone only rang twice before Buffy answered, her cloyingly sweet and disgustingly hopeful voice made him nearly lose it, even after all these years of them being no longer together she still thought he would come back to her. Still denied Angel and Xander the love that Angel knew to be the most pure and honest loves that he had even been gifted with besides his son. The thought just made him even more furious.

"Buffy Summers, you will pay dearly for every single moment that my boy was not in my arms. Your treachery will not go unpunished or forgotten, remember that... now put Xander on the phone!" Angel hissed quietly into the phone, his voice so cold and deadly that his team stepped back in fear that somehow Angelus had come back.

Angel looked back at them and rolled his eyes, "It's me, Angel, let me just talk to Xander and then I'll explain everything on the drive."

"What drive? Where are we going? Angel?!" Cordelia huffed as she bounced a fussy Connor in her arms.

Just then Xander came on the phone, a soft and teary "Angel" whispered into it from his sweet boy.

"Yeah, baby… god, I love you… just hold on, mo mhuirnín dílis (my own true love). I'm coming to Sunnydale, I'll be there in less than three hours and I'll finally get my arms back around you like they always should have been, ok?"

"Ok, I… I love you too, Angel."

Angel hears people yelling the background asking what was going on, the Watcher's questions particularly loud, no doubt he was putting the pieces together of just how far the Slayer has strayed from her path.

"Where are you, so I can come and find you as soon as we get there?"

"We're all at the Magic Box, uh, some stuff happened and nobody's a happy camper right now, least of all me."

"I'll be there is as soon as I can, Xander. Now put Buffy back on, baby."

He heard a thump and a hissed "Xander, you'll pay for that" from Buffy before she comes back on the line, a growl forcing it's way out at her words.

Angel can barely stand to even hear her voice, so he quickly hisses "I'm coming and we will discuss just how you will pay for what you and Willow have done. If you harm Xander in any way I will make you wish for a quick death" before he slams the phone down onto the hook.

Cordy and the gang are obviously confused, their faces a collection of frowns, gritted teeth, fear and uncertainty.

"Angel, what the hell is going on?" Cordy yells.

"Hey, little ears, watch the language." Angel sighs and takes Connor from her arms, cradling his newborn son carefully in his arms.

He's so angry at the fact that Xander was taken away from him, that they spent nearly five years ignorant of that love, forced into believing they hated each other the whole time. All his memories that have been returned paint the ones made since them with a red tent, the night that he and Buffy "made love", his return from hell with Buffy as his only lifeline, his pain at realizing that he needed to leave Sunnydale and Buffy for his chance at redemption. All of it now is just a wash of red, memories of love and happiness before the end is tainted by the fact that it never should have happened in the first place... that life for them would have gone very differently if Angel had been able to keep Xander in his arms.

But, he wouldn't have Connor if that had happened, would he?

With a sigh, Angel spoke. "I know you guys don't understand and it would take too long to properly explain it, so I'll tell you on the drive there. The bottom line is Buffy and Willow meddled with magic long before we thought Willow had it and did something truly unforgivable... they took memories from Xander and I, but now they have been returned. I'm going to go get Xander and make them pay for it."

There was silence after he spoke and then Cordy couldn't keep her mouth shut, like usual.

"I knew it!"

"What?" Angel turned towards her with a frown. "How did you know?"

"I saw the two of you together in junior year kissing, or I thought I did. It was kinda sweet actually, but then nothing happened and then you and Blondie had the whole tragic soulmate love thing going on for the rest of high school so I thought it was just two guys that looked like you. That changes my whole opinion on Zeppo, he bagged two hotties like us in high school when he was a dweeby loser... huh."

"Angel, to be clear, Ms. Summers and Ms. Rosenberg altered your memories along with Mr. Harris' with magic to forget that you were in love and then both of them had a romantic relationship (no matter how short) with you and Mr. Harris? Is that correct?" Wesley asked, his voice tight with anger. Wesley had a big issue with consent that no doubt was rearing it's head about now.

"Yes, Willow started using magic in the beginning of junior year, not the end like everyone but Buffy believed, and used a memory spell on us both after Buffy found out we were together. I know you all have questions, but I need to get to Xander, now, so if you're coming get packed. We're leaving in 20 minutes."

TBC...