01/14/2003
"Human life begins on the other side of despair." Jean- Paul Sartre
The Other Side of Despair Part 8
The leaves were turning into bright hues of autumn when Jarod called the ranch one night. It was dark out but it wasn't very late. Margaret and the major had gone in to town to volunteer their services at the Halloween dance being held at the high school. As a result, Jack was home alone studying for an exam when the phone rang.
"Hello." Jack said as he plucked the phone from the cradle.
"I've lost a dear friend." A miserable voice whispered.
"Jarod?" Jack asked in surprise. "Is that you?"
A strangled choking sob was the only response.
"Jarod." Jack said softly. Closing his eyes, Jack could almost feel his brother's anguish through the telephone line. Jarod's grief was like a tangible thing. The pretender was obviously devastated by whatever had happened. Jack sat back and prepared for a long conversation. Jarod was reaching out, needing someone to talk to. Jack wasn't going to let his big brother down.
Jarod sighed forlornly. "He was more than a friend." Jack could hear the tears in Jarod's voice. "He was a part of me."
"What happened?" Jack asked gently.
"He died suddenly. Cerebral hemorrhage." Jarod whispered.
Jack tried to comfort his brother. "At least he wasn't in much pain, right?"
For a long moment there was only silence. "He'd suffered enough during his life." Jarod rasped. "It was the least fate could do for him. Give him an easy death."
"You knew him a long time." Jack stated knowingly.
"Forever." Jarod whispered. Hiccupping gasps on the phone told Jack that his brother was now weeping openly. With a sniff Jarod snarled, "He deserved better, dammit. More than any of us, he deserved something better."
"You all deserved more, Jarod." Jack said.
Jack never thought of him self as one of The Centre's misfortunate progeny. Jack's own experiences at The Centre had ended while he was still a boy. Though he had been traumatized by his early treatment there, Jack had been rescued. He'd been brought into a life and a family where he was loved. Through that love and stability, Jack had unlearned much of Mr. Raines' teachings. Others had not been so lucky. Lifetimes of pain, manipulation and lies had created people like Jarod; survivors who'd never really learned to trust in anyone or anything but themselves.
Jarod's voice murmured desolately across the miles. "Talk to me, Jack." Jarod sighed. "I don't care what you say. Just talk."
For the next twenty minutes, Jack obliged. He talked about the costumes their parents had worn to the dance this evening. He regaled Jarod with tales about his course work and professors. Jack told his brother about Ethan's new girl friend, Heather Richardson. The girl was wealthy and intelligent but she was also more than a little eccentric, making for an entertaining topic of discussion.
"You know how weird Ethan can get sometimes when his senses start acting up." Jack was saying. "When you get the two of them going, its like a schizophrenic convention. There may be only two people in that couple but I swear I'm talking to at least a half dozen different personalities sometimes."
"Running Paradigm isn't too much for him is it?" Jarod asked with concern.
Jack shook his head as though Jarod could see him. "Nah." Jack said. "Just the opposite. Ethan is cool and organized when he's working. It's only when he relaxes and starts to unwind that the light bulb in his head begins to give him trouble."
"I'd better let you get back to those books," Jarod said finally.
"It's okay," Jack said. "I know the material well enough. I think I'm done for the night."
"I have to go anyway." Jarod sighed desolately. "I need to get moving if I want to make it to the services." He sniffed again, trying to control his sorrow. "Hey, Jack?"
"Yea?" the younger man asked.
"Thanks, little brother." Jarod said. "For being there when I needed it."
Jack smiled. "We are always here for you, big brother."
"I know." Jarod replied. "I'm just beginning to realize what that truly means."
"A smart guy like you," Jack teased. "Should pick up on these things a little faster. Don't you think, bro?"
The line clicked as Jarod ended the call with a sad sigh.
In Delaware the next day it was bright and sunny. There was a chill in the autumn air, giving everything a crisp look and feel. Miss Parker stood in the cemetery between her daughter and her old friend Sydney. They were dressed in black just like the handful of other people in attendance.
Broots was there. A tall black man who worked as an orderly at the institute stood solemnly to one side. Dr. Terrence, the psychiatrist from the institute, had also put in an appearance. Aside from the pastor conducting the service, the six of them were the only ones standing at the graveside.
Parker stared at the coffin as the preacher droned on. Some part of her mind rebelled against the religious man's words. They were so meaningless. The pastor had never met Angelo. How could he perform a proper eulogy for someone he'd never known? How could this stranger ever understand what an incredible person her friend had been? Hell, it had taken Parker years to discover the intelligence, wit and compassion that Angelo was capable of exhibiting.
The service ended quickly. Broots and the orderly slipped quietly away. Syd stopped to talk quietly with Dr. Terrence. The two shrinks had a professional acquaintance in that Angelo had been a patient to each of them at some time during his life. Parker just stood and stared at the flower- covered coffin while she held her little girl close for comfort.
Parker had no idea how long she stood there, silent and dry-eyed, before Syd broke into her reverie. "Miss Parker?" He said softly. "Why don't I take little Sydney to the car and leave you alone for a few minutes?"
"Thank you, Sydney." Parker whispered. "I just want to say good-bye."
Sydney nodded as he led his godchild away. "Take your time."
Alone by the grave, Parker gazed at the flowers adorning Angelo's casket. Something shiny caught her eye and she moved forward to inspect it further.
Propped among the flowers on top of the coffin were a box of cracker jacks and a PEZ dispenser.
Only then did the tears begin to come, silently running down her cheeks. Pulling a tissue out of her pocket, Parker buried her face and gave in to the grief.
When her cell phone began to ring, she stopped to blow her nose before answering it.
"The world is different somehow." Jarod said in a choked voice. "Some of the magic is gone."
Parker nodded. "He took it with him."
"God, this hurts." Jarod sobbed. "I feel like part of my soul has been torn away."
"You loved him." Parker said softly. "Losing him hurts."
Through hiccupping gasps Jarod asked. "Do you think he knew? Do you think he ever realized what he meant to us?"
"He knew." Parker said confidently through her tears. "He always knew."
For the next few moments there were only the soft sounds of their combined sorrow.
Finally Jarod sighed morosely. "The tears keep coming." He whispered. "Every time I believe I'm done crying, I think of him again and the tears just keep coming." Jarod's voice took on a desperate tone. "I just. I need," he gasped. "I need."
Parker sniffled. "Where are you, Jarod?" she demanded.
He hesitated for a moment before Jarod said, "The maple tree to your left."
Turning in the direction Jarod had indicated, Miss Parker searched the area with her eyes. At first, she saw no one. A heartbeat later, a dark shadow appeared from behind a tree about fifteen yards away. Jarod was dressed in black and leaning forlornly against the bright yellow maple.
As Parker walked toward him, she ended the connection on her cell phone and put the device back into her pocket. As she approached him, Jarod did the same with his phone. He then put his head in his heads and slid down the tree trunk until he was sitting on the ground.
When Parker kneeled down in front of him, Jarod looked up at her in abject misery. His dark brown eyes pooled again and again as tears slid down his damp cheeks. Parker didn't even try to stop the drops rolling off her own chin. For a brief moment they stared at each other and wept.
"Parker!" Jarod sobbed. "I miss him so much."
"So do I." Parker hushed. Reaching toward each other, Jarod placed his head in Parker's lap and wrapped his arms around her waist. Parker caressed his back as Jarod sobbed into the fabric of her skirt.
"I was a horrible friend to him." Jarod rasped.
"No." Parker denied. "You were the best friend he ever had. You were his family."
Jarod shook his head desperately. "I should have gotten him out of that hospital. I should have taken him to the ranch and given him a real home."
"He had so much trouble leaving The Centre. Even the institution was too much of a change for him at first. He was catatonic for months." Parker soothed Jarod through her own tears. "You couldn't take him across the country like that. He never would have been able to handle such a big adjustment."
Jarod sniffed and sighed heavily. "He deserved so much more than fate ever permitted. He deserved a little happiness."
Parker nodded. "I think he was happy." She whispered. "Those last few years in the institute. He had friends and therapy and he went outside everyday during recreation time. His paintings were getting really colorful and upbeat, you know?"
Jarod sniffed again and nodded. "He showed them to me the last time I visited."
"I think he found some happiness." Parker repeated. "I have to believe that he did."
For several minutes, they sat curled in each other's arms.
With a broken sigh Jarod finally said, "This is so hard." He shook his head. "I've never lost anyone like this before. I thought it was bad when Kyle died." Jarod glanced into Parker's eyes morosely. "I loved my brother, Parker. But it didn't hurt like this."
Parker stroked his hair, pushing the dark tendrils away from his brow. "You barely knew Kyle." She said gently. "Angelo was a part of your life for decades."
Jarod laid his head in Parker's lap again. "I'm going to miss him." Jarod said softly.
Parker gave his back a comforting squeeze. "Angelo will always be with us, Jarod. We'll carry his voice inside us for the rest of our lives."
With a final sigh, Parker scrubbed her mangled tissue against her red nose and patted Jarod on the back. "Let me up." She said kindly.
Jarod sat up and released the hold he had on her. Parker stood and brushed grass and leaves from her wrinkled skirt. Straightening, she looked down at Jarod and held her hand out to him.
"Come on." She said. "Its cold out here."
Jarod looked up at her in hesitation. Parker stood there, hand outstretched in a welcoming gesture. Her strength and beauty pulled at Jarod's soul. In the dark little world they had grown up in, Jarod had always tried to be the protector, the caregiver for others. But gazing at this remarkable woman now, Jarod realized that Parker had always been the one looking after them. Even when she had been hunting him down, Parker had been the one keeping them all safe from harm.
Jarod reached up and took Parker's waiting hand. She helped him stand and for a moment they stood looking at each other. Then, Parker smiled. Jarod tugged gently on her wrist and pulled her into a tender embrace.
"Its time to come home, Jarod." Parker whispered against his shoulder.
He nodded, unable to speak.
They walked across the cemetery to the dark car parked at the curb. Parker opened her door and slid in behind the steering wheel. Jarod climbed into the passenger seat. Without a word to the stunned twosome in the back, Parker started the car and headed for home.
Little Sydney opened her mouth as if to say something, but a quick look from her godfather stopped her. The drive back to the house was a quiet one spent in curious astonishment by the Sydneys and in comfortable acceptance by the two adults in the front seat.
As the small group entered the house, Parker tossed her keys in the regular spot on the end table. Syd turned toward his godchild and said, "Sydney, why don't you go watch some television?"
The little girl looked apprehensively from one adult to the other before deciding that discretion would be wise at this point. "Okay." She chirped as she ran off.
"Change out of that dress first, young lady." Parker called after her. Daintily lifting first one foot, then the other, Parker pulled off her high- heeled shoes with a sigh. "I'm going to change too. Then I'll put dinner on the table." She sauntered down the hallway, leaving the two men standing by the front door.
Jarod took off his overcoat and hung it on the coat rack where Parker had just placed hers. He then wandered into the next room, tugging at his tie to loosen the knot. Sydney followed him.
Sydney watched his protégé as Jarod removed his suit coat and tossed it over the back of a chair as though he'd done it a hundred times before. When the little girl came tearing into the room a few moments later, she looked up at her father eagerly.
"Do you want to watch Sponge Bob with me?" Little Sydney asked.
Jarod shrugged. "Sure." He plopped down on the couch and pulled the child into his lap while she fiddled with the remote control.
Syd crossed his arms and leaned against the doorframe with a smile. He shook his head in wonder. Even after all these years, Jarod could still surprise the aging psychiatrist. The pretender seemed right at home on Parker's couch. It was as though the rift that had existed between Jarod and Miss Parker had never been.
Parker came back wearing blue jeans and a soft purple sweater. She exchanged a small smile with the older man as she walked through the room toward the kitchen. She stopped behind Jarod and gently placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Are you hungry?" Parker asked him.
Jarod laid his head back to rest against the cushions on the couch. He shook his head wearily.
"Well, try to eat something anyway." Parker said kindly. "Its just salad and some deli meats but its better than nothing."
Several minutes later, the foursome sat at the kitchen table, munching solemnly at the simple meal. The mood in the room was somber. Each person contemplated the loss of the friend they had known.
"Momma?" little Sydney asked cautiously. "Why did Angelo die?"
"Something went wrong in his brain, Sydney. A blood vessel popped and he died." Parker answered.
The little girl thought this over for a moment. "That's why he was at the hospital wasn't it? His brain was sick."
Parker glanced across the table furtively as Jarod seemingly lost his meager appetite and pushed his plate away.
"In a manner of speaking." Parker said to her daughter. "But Angelo was there because of a different kind of problem. It wasn't why he died."
Sydney poked at her sandwich as she declared, "I liked Angelo. He was fun. I wish he didn't have to die."
"Everybody dies, ma petite," the older Sydney said gently. "Sooner or later, everybody dies."
The little girl blinked at the three adults as she processed that piece of information. "Not Momma." Sydney denied softly. "You won't die will you Momma?"
Parker sighed and set her fork down beside her plate. This wasn't really a conversation she'd wanted to have with her daughter but it was bound to come up eventually. With the death of someone the child had known so well, mortality was a topic that could not be avoided.
"Someday, baby." Parker said carefully.
Little Sydney's lower lip started to tremble as she stared at her mother with dawning horror. "I don't want you to die, Momma!" she cried.
Parker reached out and pulled her daughter from her seat. Curling the little girl in her arms Parker said, "I won't leave you for a long, long time, Sydney."
"Promise?" The girl asked.
"I promise" Parker vowed.
Jarod sat perfectly still in his chair, watching Parker as she consoled the little girl. His eyes took on a glazed look as he looked at them. With a mumbled apology Jarod abruptly sprang from his seat and stomped out the back door into the yard.
Parker, still huddled with her daughter in her lap, glanced at Sydney, concerned about Jarod's hasty departure.
Syd stood and went to the window above the sink to peer outside.
"He didn't leave," the gray-haired man said. "He's sitting on the porch steps."
"Is he all right?" Parker asked fretfully.
Syd shrugged. "It's hard to tell. I'll go talk to him." After fetching his jacket from the other room, Sydney stepped outside onto the wooden porch and sat wordlessly beside Jarod on the step.
For several minutes the two men stared into the yard silently watching bright multi-colored leaves waft through the air and onto the ground.
"I don't want to be alone again Sydney." Jarod finally whispered.
"You don't have to be, Jarod." The psychiatrist said in a gently accented voice. "The wandering life you've been leading can end when ever you choose."
"That's not what I mean." The pretender said forlornly. "It's one thing to be lonely, to miss the people you love. It's a completely different feeling to be completely alone in this world."
Sydney nodded reassuringly as Jarod went on.
"That year after my last escape from The Centre I felt completely alone." Jarod sighed. "I hadn't found my parents yet. I had cut off all contact with everyone here. I just couldn't bring myself to call you." Jarod picked up a curling leaf near his feet and shrugged in dejection. "I didn't think I could talk to you without asking about her."
Sydney nodded again. "I'd have probably volunteered information even if you hadn't asked."
"I was alone." Jarod said grimly. "But even then I knew that I could come to Delaware whenever I wanted. I could come here and I could see you or Parker anytime. You weren't part of my life but you were still part of this world."
Jarod looked at Sydney with sadness in his eyes. "That won't always be the case will it?" Jarod whispered. "Someday you'll be gone."
Sydney smiled sadly at his young protégé. He understood what Jarod was trying to say. Sydney put an arm around Jarod's shoulder and gave the younger man a gentle squeeze. The stunned look of hope that filled Jarod's eyes brought a lump of regret to Sydney's throat.
"Worrying about the future has never done anyone any good." Sydney said. "You need to live in the now, Jarod. Enjoy the love and laughter that you can find now, because someday all you'll have left of those you love are those good memories. When you build enough of those tender moments, the people we love never really leave us."
Jarod tentatively tilted his head to lean it against Sydney's shoulder. The awkward position slowly turned into an affectionate embrace. Jarod sighed in contentment against Sydney's jacket.
"May I stay with you for a while, Sydney?" Jarod asked, his voice little more than a whisper.
"If that is what you want, Jarod." Sydney replied. "You can stay as long as you like."
After a long pause, Sydney ended the hug and looked seriously into Jarod's eyes. "Is that what you really want?" The psychiatrist asked.
Jarod looked away guiltily.
"Jarod," Sydney said firmly. "What do you really want?"
"I want to go home." Jarod whispered desperately.
"Then do it." Sydney said.
Jarod looked up at his mentor with a deep sadness. "Home isn't a place, Sydney. It's not a house or a room. It's a feeling." Jarod shrugged. "I can only remember feeling truly at home once in my life. And I'm pretty sure that I was only imagining things even then."
Jarod huffed disgustedly. "Even if some part of it was real, at this point I've destroyed any shred of fondness she ever felt for me. I'll never find that place in her life again."
Sydney smiled knowingly. "I think you underestimate the strength of what you two once shared."
Jarod glared at Sydney disbelievingly.
The older man chuckled. "Do you know, that little girl was nearly three years old before Parker would tell me that you were her father? Raines and the Triumvirate had been gone for a couple of years by then. We were all safe. But Parker still protected that child's secret."
Sydney patted Jarod on the shoulder as he talked. "I knew for some time before she told me of course. I think perhaps, deep down I had always known."
Jarod cocked his head at Sydney in curiosity. "Why?" He asked.
Sydney smiled again. "For safety's sake, Parker led everyone to believe that while on vacation, she'd had an affair which led to her pregnancy. Even Lyle believed it and hounded her unmercifully about her 'indiscretion'." The older man clasped Jarod's arm to emphasize his next words. "But I tell you Jarod, she exhibited such adoration for that child while she was expecting. I know that she could not have been so happy if she'd been carrying a stranger's offspring."
"She loves that child all the more because she is a part of you, Jarod." Sydney went on.
Jarod looked at Sydney, a frown creasing his brow. "Do you honestly believe that?" He asked hopefully.
"Yes, I do." Sydney answered. "Trust yourself, Jarod. Trust what your heart tells you."
Jarod stood abruptly and gazed out across the leaf littered lawn. "The last time I did that, I was wrong. I paid dearly for that mistake."
"I'm not telling you to just forget those old wounds and trust her again. I know that would be too hard." Sydney soothed. "I'm telling you to give her the chance to earn that trust back. I'm asking you to remember that you aren't the only one with scars."
Jarod sighed. "She seems so happy now. She's moved on with her life, Sydney."
"She is alone." Sydney said softly. "There is no one in her life but an old man and a little girl. No one else ever gets close enough to really know her."
Jarod buried his hands in his pants pockets and stared down at the ground.
"Don't give up on your self, Jarod." Sydney urged. "Don't settle for a life that doesn't truly make you happy just because it is the safer path. Don't give up on her. You both deserve better than what fate has dealt you so far."
"Don't make the same mistakes I made." Sydney went on gently. "You can't let life just happen to you. You need to reach out and take the happiness you've paid for so dearly. Take it now, before you wake up one day and find that your opportunities have all slipped away."
Jarod glanced forlornly at his mentor with a troubled look on his face. Then he turned and started to walk thoughtfully across the yard. Sydney stood his ground. There was little more he could say to the distraught younger man.
As the helpless Sydney watched, Jarod strolled toward the garage and disappeared inside. He returned a moment later with a rake in one hand. Dressed in his white silk shirt and black suit pants, Jarod began raking leaves into a pile. Sydney watched for a several minutes, fascinated by the strange picture Jarod presented. The pretender's tie hung loosely around his neck and swung back and forth methodically as Jarod swept the yard.
The aging psychiatrist knew his protégé well. Sydney understood that Jarod was troubled by their conversation. Jarod always thought best when he was busy. Keeping his body occupied with this menial task was the pretender's way of thinking through everything they had discussed.
After convincing him self that Jarod wasn't about to walk out of their lives again, Sydney turned and went inside. He had done what he could for now. The next move would be up to Jarod and Miss Parker. It was time for Sydney to head home. With a sudden inspiration, he decided to ask Parker if little Sydney could stay with him for the evening.
It was dark out. Parker sat at the kitchen table flipping casually through the newspaper. She stared sightlessly at the print beneath her fingers, registering nothing. Syd had left with her daughter at dusk nearly an hour ago. The gray-haired man had kissed Parker's cheek affectionately as he left.
"Believe in him, Parker." Syd had whispered into her ear. "Trust him. It is the only way to earn trust from him."
Parker shoved the paper away in irritation. She wanted desperately to talk to Jarod but he hadn't returned yet. When Parker had last seen him, Jarod had been dragging a tarp full of leaves across the yard. He couldn't still be working in the dark.
Parker huffed and went to the window above the sink and peered out back. The yard had been swallowed by darkness. Squares of light from the kitchen windows were cast onto the porch. At the edge of this slight illumination, Parker could just barely make out a dark figure sitting on the porch steps.
Tired of waiting, Parker decided to act. If Jarod wouldn't come in to talk to her, she would go to him. Hurrying into the living room, Parker slid on a pair of canvas shoes and wrapped herself in a soft afghan from the couch. As she stepped quietly on to the back porch, she pulled the blanket more closely around her. The chill in the air was cooler than she had expected.
Parker gracefully crossed the wooden planks and sat beside Jarod in the dark.
"Are you thinking about Angelo?" She asked quietly.
"Some." Jarod said simply. "I'm thinking about of lot of things I guess."
"Like what?" Parker asked inquisitively.
Jarod turned and looked at her intensely. "We need to talk."
"Yes." Parker agreed. "Do you want to start, or shall I?"
Jarod's gaze never wavered from Parker's face. Several heartbeats passed in silence. Jarod sighed and said forlornly, "Do you honestly think Angelo knew how we felt about him?"
Parker nodded. "Yes I do."
Jarod eyes filled with moisture as he tenderly caressed her cheek with his fingertips. He shook his head sadly, "I don't ever want to wonder about you. I want to be sure that you know exactly what you've meant to me." Jarod gently took her face in his hands and pulled her close resting his forehead against hers.
"No matter what has happened between us," He whispered. "You've meant more to me than any single person in my life."
Parker's hands moved to his shoulders until her fingers could intertwine behind his neck.
Jarod sighed despondently. "No one else understands me like you have. Not even Sydney knows as much about me as you do. No one can hurt me the way you can, because no one else has the power over me that you do."
Parker held Jarod close as tears began to form in her eyes.
"I gave you a piece of my heart, of my soul, when we were children, Parker." Jarod whispered. "You have owned that piece of me ever since."
"Jarod." Parker sighed breathlessly.
"You were my first love, Miss Parker." Jarod said softly. "No one else has ever come close to ruling my heart like you." Jarod swallowed hard. " Just once in my life, I wanted to say it to you out loud so there would be no misunderstandings."
"I've always known, Jarod." Parker heaved brokenly. "Sometimes it was overwhelming. The knowledge that of all the people in the world, the one who truly cared about me the most was the one person The Centre would never let me have."
Jarod said bluntly, "I never stopped wanting you."
Parker swallowed.
"There was a period of time, while I was angry and hurt, when I stopped loving you." Jarod went on. "But I have always wanted you."
Parker smiled nervously. "Don't beat around the bush, Jarod. Just come right out and say what's on your mind."
"I've had a long time to think about this." He whispered.
"Is wanting me enough?" Parker asked anxiously.
"No." Jarod said simply.
Parker tried to speak past the lump that suddenly formed in her throat. "Then is there no hope for us now?" she whispered.
"That depends." Jarod said. "Do you care about me at all?"
"Yes, I do." Parker whispered.
"Prove it." Jarod said gruffly.
"How do you suggest I do that, Jarod?" Parker asked in irritation. "How can you know how much I've missed you? Is there any way to prove to you that every time the phone rings part of me hopes that you will be on the other end of the line?" Parker sighed. "I can't prove anything. I can only tell you that I care."
With an easy movement, Jarod slid to his knees two steps below Parker. Kneeling directly in front of her, Jarod looked up into her eyes. "Kiss me," He rasped. "I know how you feel when you kiss me."
Taking his face in her hands, Parker pressed her lips against Jarod's mouth. The kiss began tentatively, as two cautious strangers met in the dark. But Parker's body quickly reacted to Jarod's and the kiss deepened. She wrapped her arms around him and began nibbling hungrily at his lips. Jarod grasped her thighs and pulled her closer. Within moments, the years that separated them had vanished as they embraced each other passionately.
"Parker." Jarod whispered her name like a prayer.
Parker arched her back over the top step and let the blanket covering her drop to her sides. Jarod rained a trail of kisses down her exposed throat to lick greedily at her cleavage. He leaned his body more closely against hers. Parker wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him close with her thighs so she could feel his arousal against her own.
Jarod moaned when he felt her erect nipple even through her clothing. Taking the tiny bud between his teeth, Jarod suckled at her through the soft cotton of her sweater until she moaned in return.
Parker's throaty laughter rang triumphantly in the air. "Do you want me, Jarod?" She whispered erotically.
"God, yes." He breathed against her breast.
"Is wanting me enough?" Parker purred into his ear.
"Never." Jarod growled. "It will never be enough."
"Do you love me, Jarod?" Parker murmured throatily.
Jarod answered with a desperate sigh. "God help me, I do."
Wrapping her fingers in his hair, Parker dragged Jarod's mouth up to her own, kissing him deeply and passionately. "Prove it." She pleaded.
They made love in the square of light shining from the kitchen windows. They clung to each other, desperately trying to erase the years they had lost. When Jarod entered her, Parker gasped with the shear joy of it. Despite the Parker legacy and all the heartache Jarod had suffered as a result, this wonderful, incredible soul still loved her. Happy tears formed and rolled down Parker's face to disappear in her hair as she rose again and again to meet Jarod's passion.
Jarod loved her. For the first time in her life, Parker welcomed his devotion without reservation or doubt. She handed Jarod her heart eagerly, knowing that he alone could fill the dark void that haunted her soul.
Together they reached a shattering culmination, crying out against each other's lips. Jarod lay against Parker's breast shivering with reaction to the raw emotions he felt radiating from her.
Raising himself up on his elbows, Jarod tenderly brushed Parker's hair away from her face and gazed at her with awe. "Do you love me, Parker?" He asked quietly.
Jarod watched as her eyes began to glow with a wonderful mischief and a sly smile began to curl her lips. "God help me, I do. It looks like you're stuck with me."
Jarod nuzzled her throat as he laughed. His laughter dwindled suddenly and he sighed, his warm breath tickling her neck. "We've lost so much time, Parker." Jarod said regretfully.
"Hey." Parker chided. "No more regrets. We've spent too much of our lives dwelling on what has been taken from us. Now it's time to enjoy what we've got. We are lucky." She said cupping his chin in her palm and dragging his gaze to meet her own. "Most people can never appreciate their lives the way we will."
Jarod closed his eyes and sighed. "I want to believe you." He whispered. "I want to trust you."
Parker wrapped her arms around Jarod and held him tight. "You will, Jarod." She said gently kissing his brow. "Some day you will."
"What do we do until then?" Jarod asked.
Parker caught her lower lip between her teeth as the sly smile spread across her face once more. She locked her ankles together behind Jarod's back and squeezed him tightly between her thighs, momentarily making him gasp for air. "You run and I'll chase." She giggled playfully.
Jarod ran his fingernails softly down the back of Parker's thigh, tickling her into a squeal and loosening the vice-like grip she had around his waist. "Maybe I want to do a little chasing myself." Jarod said with a suggestive smirk.
Parker pushed Jarod off of her and sat up. Half dressed as she was with her hair tussled and her lips full from their recent kisses, Jarod thought Parker had to be the single most erotic creature to ever walk the face of the planet.
"Do you think you can catch me?" Parker sneered regally.
Jarod couldn't stop the grin that broke out on his face. He could get used to this verbal foreplay very quickly indeed. "I'll catch you, Parker, or die trying." He growled.
"Well then Wonder-boy," Parker smiled. "Let's see what you've got." She sprung up from the porch and dashed into the house.
Jarod took off after her. Parker got as far as the living room couch before she allowed Jarod to catch her. They wound up in a heap on the floor in front of the darkened fireplace where they quickly shed what was left of their clothing.
The rest of the evening was spent in a similar fashion. Playful teasing and rough housing would turn into sexual exploration of each other's bodies. Between bouts of lovemaking they talked about many things, especially their daughter. Parker taunted Jarod mercilessly, lovingly torturing him in to a mock submission that he was only to eager to give her.
It was well after midnight when they both fell into an exhausted slumber.
When Parker woke the next morning, the bed beside her was cold and empty. She tried not to panic but the doubt crept into her heart anyway. She hurried out of bed and pulled a silk robe over her nakedness. Fearful that Jarod may have left again, Parker rushed into the hall still tightening the robe's belt at her waist.
Jarod was standing in the kitchen gazing thoughtfully out the window as he sipped at a steaming mug. From the aroma in the room, Parker guessed that the cup held fresh coffee. Jarod was wearing well-worn blue jeans and a sweatshirt that had seen better days. He had running shoes on his feet and a black leather jacket hung casually across the back of one of the wooden kitchen chairs.
"You've been busy this morning." Parker observed.
Jarod shrugged. "I hope you don't mind that I borrowed your car." He said. "But I needed to get my things."
Parker smiled brightly at him as she crossed the room and poured herself some coffee. "Why would I mind, Jarod?"
He shrugged again without comment.
"Did you get everything?" Parker asked inquisitively. She sipped at her drink to hide the fact that she was prying.
"Everything except the car I left parked at the cemetery." Jarod answered. "We'll need to get it later."
Parker nodded. She sat in one of the kitchen chairs and the two of them drank their coffee in a companionable silence for a time.
With a slight fidget, Jarod sighed and said. "I wasn't sure what to do with my stuff, so I left most of it in the trunk."
"What you do with your things all depends on when you are planning on going home." Parker said cautiously.
Jarod swallowed, sat down in the other chair and glared nervously into his coffee cup. "I sort of felt like I'd already come home." He said slowly.
Parker's smile lit up her face. With a puff of relief, she threw herself out of her chair and onto Jarod's lap. Wrapping him in a warm embrace, Parker laughed. "Oh Jarod," She whispered into his hair. "Welcome home."
Jarod simply could not believe his good fortune. He gazed up in to Parker's face and reveled in the acceptance he saw glowing in her eyes. He kissed her.
Breathless after the deep kiss, Parker murmured into Jarod's hair, "Your folks will be disappointed."
Jarod nodded. "I'll promise to visit often." He vowed. "I belong here, Parker. They'll learn to accept that."
Parker nodded. "Just knowing where you are will make them happy. Promise me, Jarod, no more disappearing acts. Promise."
"I promise." He said.
"Parker?" Jarod asked quietly against the soft curve of her neck. Things were going so well at the moment, Jarod decided to push his luck just a little further.
"Hmm?" she murmured.
"Would you do something for me if I asked?" He said.
Parker sat up and looked at Jarod with a small frown. "It depends." She said carefully. "Why don't you ask and we'll find out."
Jarod's hand started to make anxious little circles on the small of Parker's back as he stumbled over his words.
"I've been thinking about our daughter." Jarod began.
Parker smiled. She liked it very much when Jarod referred to Sydney as 'our daughter'.
"I've missed so much; her first steps, her first tooth, her first Christmas. I didn't get to see her take her first breath." Jarod splayed one strong hand over Parker's abdomen. "I missed seeing you get fat." He smiled at her sudden indignation. "I didn't get to see her growing inside you."
Parker ran one hand through Jarod's hair. "I'm sorry." She whispered fervently. "I really am."
Jarod was very still and quiet for a minute. "Would you consider," Jarod finally stuttered. "Having another child?"
Parker sighed slightly. "I'm well in to my forties, Jarod."
"I understand," Jarod nodded. "It's your decision of course. If you don't want to, I understand."
Parker chuckled and kissed Jarod's temple. "I never said I didn't want to. I'm just saying that it may not be so easy to accomplish. Women my age can have trouble conceiving you know."
Jarod grinned lecherously and stroked her cheek with his fingertips. "But trying will be so much fun."
"Do you think so, Wonder-boy?" Parker breathed seductively.
"Mmm." Jarod groaned as Parker flicked her tongue in his ear. Coherent thoughts fled from his brain as he reveled in Parker's arms. At long last, Jarod had finally found his way home.
The End.
"Human life begins on the other side of despair." Jean- Paul Sartre
The Other Side of Despair Part 8
The leaves were turning into bright hues of autumn when Jarod called the ranch one night. It was dark out but it wasn't very late. Margaret and the major had gone in to town to volunteer their services at the Halloween dance being held at the high school. As a result, Jack was home alone studying for an exam when the phone rang.
"Hello." Jack said as he plucked the phone from the cradle.
"I've lost a dear friend." A miserable voice whispered.
"Jarod?" Jack asked in surprise. "Is that you?"
A strangled choking sob was the only response.
"Jarod." Jack said softly. Closing his eyes, Jack could almost feel his brother's anguish through the telephone line. Jarod's grief was like a tangible thing. The pretender was obviously devastated by whatever had happened. Jack sat back and prepared for a long conversation. Jarod was reaching out, needing someone to talk to. Jack wasn't going to let his big brother down.
Jarod sighed forlornly. "He was more than a friend." Jack could hear the tears in Jarod's voice. "He was a part of me."
"What happened?" Jack asked gently.
"He died suddenly. Cerebral hemorrhage." Jarod whispered.
Jack tried to comfort his brother. "At least he wasn't in much pain, right?"
For a long moment there was only silence. "He'd suffered enough during his life." Jarod rasped. "It was the least fate could do for him. Give him an easy death."
"You knew him a long time." Jack stated knowingly.
"Forever." Jarod whispered. Hiccupping gasps on the phone told Jack that his brother was now weeping openly. With a sniff Jarod snarled, "He deserved better, dammit. More than any of us, he deserved something better."
"You all deserved more, Jarod." Jack said.
Jack never thought of him self as one of The Centre's misfortunate progeny. Jack's own experiences at The Centre had ended while he was still a boy. Though he had been traumatized by his early treatment there, Jack had been rescued. He'd been brought into a life and a family where he was loved. Through that love and stability, Jack had unlearned much of Mr. Raines' teachings. Others had not been so lucky. Lifetimes of pain, manipulation and lies had created people like Jarod; survivors who'd never really learned to trust in anyone or anything but themselves.
Jarod's voice murmured desolately across the miles. "Talk to me, Jack." Jarod sighed. "I don't care what you say. Just talk."
For the next twenty minutes, Jack obliged. He talked about the costumes their parents had worn to the dance this evening. He regaled Jarod with tales about his course work and professors. Jack told his brother about Ethan's new girl friend, Heather Richardson. The girl was wealthy and intelligent but she was also more than a little eccentric, making for an entertaining topic of discussion.
"You know how weird Ethan can get sometimes when his senses start acting up." Jack was saying. "When you get the two of them going, its like a schizophrenic convention. There may be only two people in that couple but I swear I'm talking to at least a half dozen different personalities sometimes."
"Running Paradigm isn't too much for him is it?" Jarod asked with concern.
Jack shook his head as though Jarod could see him. "Nah." Jack said. "Just the opposite. Ethan is cool and organized when he's working. It's only when he relaxes and starts to unwind that the light bulb in his head begins to give him trouble."
"I'd better let you get back to those books," Jarod said finally.
"It's okay," Jack said. "I know the material well enough. I think I'm done for the night."
"I have to go anyway." Jarod sighed desolately. "I need to get moving if I want to make it to the services." He sniffed again, trying to control his sorrow. "Hey, Jack?"
"Yea?" the younger man asked.
"Thanks, little brother." Jarod said. "For being there when I needed it."
Jack smiled. "We are always here for you, big brother."
"I know." Jarod replied. "I'm just beginning to realize what that truly means."
"A smart guy like you," Jack teased. "Should pick up on these things a little faster. Don't you think, bro?"
The line clicked as Jarod ended the call with a sad sigh.
In Delaware the next day it was bright and sunny. There was a chill in the autumn air, giving everything a crisp look and feel. Miss Parker stood in the cemetery between her daughter and her old friend Sydney. They were dressed in black just like the handful of other people in attendance.
Broots was there. A tall black man who worked as an orderly at the institute stood solemnly to one side. Dr. Terrence, the psychiatrist from the institute, had also put in an appearance. Aside from the pastor conducting the service, the six of them were the only ones standing at the graveside.
Parker stared at the coffin as the preacher droned on. Some part of her mind rebelled against the religious man's words. They were so meaningless. The pastor had never met Angelo. How could he perform a proper eulogy for someone he'd never known? How could this stranger ever understand what an incredible person her friend had been? Hell, it had taken Parker years to discover the intelligence, wit and compassion that Angelo was capable of exhibiting.
The service ended quickly. Broots and the orderly slipped quietly away. Syd stopped to talk quietly with Dr. Terrence. The two shrinks had a professional acquaintance in that Angelo had been a patient to each of them at some time during his life. Parker just stood and stared at the flower- covered coffin while she held her little girl close for comfort.
Parker had no idea how long she stood there, silent and dry-eyed, before Syd broke into her reverie. "Miss Parker?" He said softly. "Why don't I take little Sydney to the car and leave you alone for a few minutes?"
"Thank you, Sydney." Parker whispered. "I just want to say good-bye."
Sydney nodded as he led his godchild away. "Take your time."
Alone by the grave, Parker gazed at the flowers adorning Angelo's casket. Something shiny caught her eye and she moved forward to inspect it further.
Propped among the flowers on top of the coffin were a box of cracker jacks and a PEZ dispenser.
Only then did the tears begin to come, silently running down her cheeks. Pulling a tissue out of her pocket, Parker buried her face and gave in to the grief.
When her cell phone began to ring, she stopped to blow her nose before answering it.
"The world is different somehow." Jarod said in a choked voice. "Some of the magic is gone."
Parker nodded. "He took it with him."
"God, this hurts." Jarod sobbed. "I feel like part of my soul has been torn away."
"You loved him." Parker said softly. "Losing him hurts."
Through hiccupping gasps Jarod asked. "Do you think he knew? Do you think he ever realized what he meant to us?"
"He knew." Parker said confidently through her tears. "He always knew."
For the next few moments there were only the soft sounds of their combined sorrow.
Finally Jarod sighed morosely. "The tears keep coming." He whispered. "Every time I believe I'm done crying, I think of him again and the tears just keep coming." Jarod's voice took on a desperate tone. "I just. I need," he gasped. "I need."
Parker sniffled. "Where are you, Jarod?" she demanded.
He hesitated for a moment before Jarod said, "The maple tree to your left."
Turning in the direction Jarod had indicated, Miss Parker searched the area with her eyes. At first, she saw no one. A heartbeat later, a dark shadow appeared from behind a tree about fifteen yards away. Jarod was dressed in black and leaning forlornly against the bright yellow maple.
As Parker walked toward him, she ended the connection on her cell phone and put the device back into her pocket. As she approached him, Jarod did the same with his phone. He then put his head in his heads and slid down the tree trunk until he was sitting on the ground.
When Parker kneeled down in front of him, Jarod looked up at her in abject misery. His dark brown eyes pooled again and again as tears slid down his damp cheeks. Parker didn't even try to stop the drops rolling off her own chin. For a brief moment they stared at each other and wept.
"Parker!" Jarod sobbed. "I miss him so much."
"So do I." Parker hushed. Reaching toward each other, Jarod placed his head in Parker's lap and wrapped his arms around her waist. Parker caressed his back as Jarod sobbed into the fabric of her skirt.
"I was a horrible friend to him." Jarod rasped.
"No." Parker denied. "You were the best friend he ever had. You were his family."
Jarod shook his head desperately. "I should have gotten him out of that hospital. I should have taken him to the ranch and given him a real home."
"He had so much trouble leaving The Centre. Even the institution was too much of a change for him at first. He was catatonic for months." Parker soothed Jarod through her own tears. "You couldn't take him across the country like that. He never would have been able to handle such a big adjustment."
Jarod sniffed and sighed heavily. "He deserved so much more than fate ever permitted. He deserved a little happiness."
Parker nodded. "I think he was happy." She whispered. "Those last few years in the institute. He had friends and therapy and he went outside everyday during recreation time. His paintings were getting really colorful and upbeat, you know?"
Jarod sniffed again and nodded. "He showed them to me the last time I visited."
"I think he found some happiness." Parker repeated. "I have to believe that he did."
For several minutes, they sat curled in each other's arms.
With a broken sigh Jarod finally said, "This is so hard." He shook his head. "I've never lost anyone like this before. I thought it was bad when Kyle died." Jarod glanced into Parker's eyes morosely. "I loved my brother, Parker. But it didn't hurt like this."
Parker stroked his hair, pushing the dark tendrils away from his brow. "You barely knew Kyle." She said gently. "Angelo was a part of your life for decades."
Jarod laid his head in Parker's lap again. "I'm going to miss him." Jarod said softly.
Parker gave his back a comforting squeeze. "Angelo will always be with us, Jarod. We'll carry his voice inside us for the rest of our lives."
With a final sigh, Parker scrubbed her mangled tissue against her red nose and patted Jarod on the back. "Let me up." She said kindly.
Jarod sat up and released the hold he had on her. Parker stood and brushed grass and leaves from her wrinkled skirt. Straightening, she looked down at Jarod and held her hand out to him.
"Come on." She said. "Its cold out here."
Jarod looked up at her in hesitation. Parker stood there, hand outstretched in a welcoming gesture. Her strength and beauty pulled at Jarod's soul. In the dark little world they had grown up in, Jarod had always tried to be the protector, the caregiver for others. But gazing at this remarkable woman now, Jarod realized that Parker had always been the one looking after them. Even when she had been hunting him down, Parker had been the one keeping them all safe from harm.
Jarod reached up and took Parker's waiting hand. She helped him stand and for a moment they stood looking at each other. Then, Parker smiled. Jarod tugged gently on her wrist and pulled her into a tender embrace.
"Its time to come home, Jarod." Parker whispered against his shoulder.
He nodded, unable to speak.
They walked across the cemetery to the dark car parked at the curb. Parker opened her door and slid in behind the steering wheel. Jarod climbed into the passenger seat. Without a word to the stunned twosome in the back, Parker started the car and headed for home.
Little Sydney opened her mouth as if to say something, but a quick look from her godfather stopped her. The drive back to the house was a quiet one spent in curious astonishment by the Sydneys and in comfortable acceptance by the two adults in the front seat.
As the small group entered the house, Parker tossed her keys in the regular spot on the end table. Syd turned toward his godchild and said, "Sydney, why don't you go watch some television?"
The little girl looked apprehensively from one adult to the other before deciding that discretion would be wise at this point. "Okay." She chirped as she ran off.
"Change out of that dress first, young lady." Parker called after her. Daintily lifting first one foot, then the other, Parker pulled off her high- heeled shoes with a sigh. "I'm going to change too. Then I'll put dinner on the table." She sauntered down the hallway, leaving the two men standing by the front door.
Jarod took off his overcoat and hung it on the coat rack where Parker had just placed hers. He then wandered into the next room, tugging at his tie to loosen the knot. Sydney followed him.
Sydney watched his protégé as Jarod removed his suit coat and tossed it over the back of a chair as though he'd done it a hundred times before. When the little girl came tearing into the room a few moments later, she looked up at her father eagerly.
"Do you want to watch Sponge Bob with me?" Little Sydney asked.
Jarod shrugged. "Sure." He plopped down on the couch and pulled the child into his lap while she fiddled with the remote control.
Syd crossed his arms and leaned against the doorframe with a smile. He shook his head in wonder. Even after all these years, Jarod could still surprise the aging psychiatrist. The pretender seemed right at home on Parker's couch. It was as though the rift that had existed between Jarod and Miss Parker had never been.
Parker came back wearing blue jeans and a soft purple sweater. She exchanged a small smile with the older man as she walked through the room toward the kitchen. She stopped behind Jarod and gently placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Are you hungry?" Parker asked him.
Jarod laid his head back to rest against the cushions on the couch. He shook his head wearily.
"Well, try to eat something anyway." Parker said kindly. "Its just salad and some deli meats but its better than nothing."
Several minutes later, the foursome sat at the kitchen table, munching solemnly at the simple meal. The mood in the room was somber. Each person contemplated the loss of the friend they had known.
"Momma?" little Sydney asked cautiously. "Why did Angelo die?"
"Something went wrong in his brain, Sydney. A blood vessel popped and he died." Parker answered.
The little girl thought this over for a moment. "That's why he was at the hospital wasn't it? His brain was sick."
Parker glanced across the table furtively as Jarod seemingly lost his meager appetite and pushed his plate away.
"In a manner of speaking." Parker said to her daughter. "But Angelo was there because of a different kind of problem. It wasn't why he died."
Sydney poked at her sandwich as she declared, "I liked Angelo. He was fun. I wish he didn't have to die."
"Everybody dies, ma petite," the older Sydney said gently. "Sooner or later, everybody dies."
The little girl blinked at the three adults as she processed that piece of information. "Not Momma." Sydney denied softly. "You won't die will you Momma?"
Parker sighed and set her fork down beside her plate. This wasn't really a conversation she'd wanted to have with her daughter but it was bound to come up eventually. With the death of someone the child had known so well, mortality was a topic that could not be avoided.
"Someday, baby." Parker said carefully.
Little Sydney's lower lip started to tremble as she stared at her mother with dawning horror. "I don't want you to die, Momma!" she cried.
Parker reached out and pulled her daughter from her seat. Curling the little girl in her arms Parker said, "I won't leave you for a long, long time, Sydney."
"Promise?" The girl asked.
"I promise" Parker vowed.
Jarod sat perfectly still in his chair, watching Parker as she consoled the little girl. His eyes took on a glazed look as he looked at them. With a mumbled apology Jarod abruptly sprang from his seat and stomped out the back door into the yard.
Parker, still huddled with her daughter in her lap, glanced at Sydney, concerned about Jarod's hasty departure.
Syd stood and went to the window above the sink to peer outside.
"He didn't leave," the gray-haired man said. "He's sitting on the porch steps."
"Is he all right?" Parker asked fretfully.
Syd shrugged. "It's hard to tell. I'll go talk to him." After fetching his jacket from the other room, Sydney stepped outside onto the wooden porch and sat wordlessly beside Jarod on the step.
For several minutes the two men stared into the yard silently watching bright multi-colored leaves waft through the air and onto the ground.
"I don't want to be alone again Sydney." Jarod finally whispered.
"You don't have to be, Jarod." The psychiatrist said in a gently accented voice. "The wandering life you've been leading can end when ever you choose."
"That's not what I mean." The pretender said forlornly. "It's one thing to be lonely, to miss the people you love. It's a completely different feeling to be completely alone in this world."
Sydney nodded reassuringly as Jarod went on.
"That year after my last escape from The Centre I felt completely alone." Jarod sighed. "I hadn't found my parents yet. I had cut off all contact with everyone here. I just couldn't bring myself to call you." Jarod picked up a curling leaf near his feet and shrugged in dejection. "I didn't think I could talk to you without asking about her."
Sydney nodded again. "I'd have probably volunteered information even if you hadn't asked."
"I was alone." Jarod said grimly. "But even then I knew that I could come to Delaware whenever I wanted. I could come here and I could see you or Parker anytime. You weren't part of my life but you were still part of this world."
Jarod looked at Sydney with sadness in his eyes. "That won't always be the case will it?" Jarod whispered. "Someday you'll be gone."
Sydney smiled sadly at his young protégé. He understood what Jarod was trying to say. Sydney put an arm around Jarod's shoulder and gave the younger man a gentle squeeze. The stunned look of hope that filled Jarod's eyes brought a lump of regret to Sydney's throat.
"Worrying about the future has never done anyone any good." Sydney said. "You need to live in the now, Jarod. Enjoy the love and laughter that you can find now, because someday all you'll have left of those you love are those good memories. When you build enough of those tender moments, the people we love never really leave us."
Jarod tentatively tilted his head to lean it against Sydney's shoulder. The awkward position slowly turned into an affectionate embrace. Jarod sighed in contentment against Sydney's jacket.
"May I stay with you for a while, Sydney?" Jarod asked, his voice little more than a whisper.
"If that is what you want, Jarod." Sydney replied. "You can stay as long as you like."
After a long pause, Sydney ended the hug and looked seriously into Jarod's eyes. "Is that what you really want?" The psychiatrist asked.
Jarod looked away guiltily.
"Jarod," Sydney said firmly. "What do you really want?"
"I want to go home." Jarod whispered desperately.
"Then do it." Sydney said.
Jarod looked up at his mentor with a deep sadness. "Home isn't a place, Sydney. It's not a house or a room. It's a feeling." Jarod shrugged. "I can only remember feeling truly at home once in my life. And I'm pretty sure that I was only imagining things even then."
Jarod huffed disgustedly. "Even if some part of it was real, at this point I've destroyed any shred of fondness she ever felt for me. I'll never find that place in her life again."
Sydney smiled knowingly. "I think you underestimate the strength of what you two once shared."
Jarod glared at Sydney disbelievingly.
The older man chuckled. "Do you know, that little girl was nearly three years old before Parker would tell me that you were her father? Raines and the Triumvirate had been gone for a couple of years by then. We were all safe. But Parker still protected that child's secret."
Sydney patted Jarod on the shoulder as he talked. "I knew for some time before she told me of course. I think perhaps, deep down I had always known."
Jarod cocked his head at Sydney in curiosity. "Why?" He asked.
Sydney smiled again. "For safety's sake, Parker led everyone to believe that while on vacation, she'd had an affair which led to her pregnancy. Even Lyle believed it and hounded her unmercifully about her 'indiscretion'." The older man clasped Jarod's arm to emphasize his next words. "But I tell you Jarod, she exhibited such adoration for that child while she was expecting. I know that she could not have been so happy if she'd been carrying a stranger's offspring."
"She loves that child all the more because she is a part of you, Jarod." Sydney went on.
Jarod looked at Sydney, a frown creasing his brow. "Do you honestly believe that?" He asked hopefully.
"Yes, I do." Sydney answered. "Trust yourself, Jarod. Trust what your heart tells you."
Jarod stood abruptly and gazed out across the leaf littered lawn. "The last time I did that, I was wrong. I paid dearly for that mistake."
"I'm not telling you to just forget those old wounds and trust her again. I know that would be too hard." Sydney soothed. "I'm telling you to give her the chance to earn that trust back. I'm asking you to remember that you aren't the only one with scars."
Jarod sighed. "She seems so happy now. She's moved on with her life, Sydney."
"She is alone." Sydney said softly. "There is no one in her life but an old man and a little girl. No one else ever gets close enough to really know her."
Jarod buried his hands in his pants pockets and stared down at the ground.
"Don't give up on your self, Jarod." Sydney urged. "Don't settle for a life that doesn't truly make you happy just because it is the safer path. Don't give up on her. You both deserve better than what fate has dealt you so far."
"Don't make the same mistakes I made." Sydney went on gently. "You can't let life just happen to you. You need to reach out and take the happiness you've paid for so dearly. Take it now, before you wake up one day and find that your opportunities have all slipped away."
Jarod glanced forlornly at his mentor with a troubled look on his face. Then he turned and started to walk thoughtfully across the yard. Sydney stood his ground. There was little more he could say to the distraught younger man.
As the helpless Sydney watched, Jarod strolled toward the garage and disappeared inside. He returned a moment later with a rake in one hand. Dressed in his white silk shirt and black suit pants, Jarod began raking leaves into a pile. Sydney watched for a several minutes, fascinated by the strange picture Jarod presented. The pretender's tie hung loosely around his neck and swung back and forth methodically as Jarod swept the yard.
The aging psychiatrist knew his protégé well. Sydney understood that Jarod was troubled by their conversation. Jarod always thought best when he was busy. Keeping his body occupied with this menial task was the pretender's way of thinking through everything they had discussed.
After convincing him self that Jarod wasn't about to walk out of their lives again, Sydney turned and went inside. He had done what he could for now. The next move would be up to Jarod and Miss Parker. It was time for Sydney to head home. With a sudden inspiration, he decided to ask Parker if little Sydney could stay with him for the evening.
It was dark out. Parker sat at the kitchen table flipping casually through the newspaper. She stared sightlessly at the print beneath her fingers, registering nothing. Syd had left with her daughter at dusk nearly an hour ago. The gray-haired man had kissed Parker's cheek affectionately as he left.
"Believe in him, Parker." Syd had whispered into her ear. "Trust him. It is the only way to earn trust from him."
Parker shoved the paper away in irritation. She wanted desperately to talk to Jarod but he hadn't returned yet. When Parker had last seen him, Jarod had been dragging a tarp full of leaves across the yard. He couldn't still be working in the dark.
Parker huffed and went to the window above the sink and peered out back. The yard had been swallowed by darkness. Squares of light from the kitchen windows were cast onto the porch. At the edge of this slight illumination, Parker could just barely make out a dark figure sitting on the porch steps.
Tired of waiting, Parker decided to act. If Jarod wouldn't come in to talk to her, she would go to him. Hurrying into the living room, Parker slid on a pair of canvas shoes and wrapped herself in a soft afghan from the couch. As she stepped quietly on to the back porch, she pulled the blanket more closely around her. The chill in the air was cooler than she had expected.
Parker gracefully crossed the wooden planks and sat beside Jarod in the dark.
"Are you thinking about Angelo?" She asked quietly.
"Some." Jarod said simply. "I'm thinking about of lot of things I guess."
"Like what?" Parker asked inquisitively.
Jarod turned and looked at her intensely. "We need to talk."
"Yes." Parker agreed. "Do you want to start, or shall I?"
Jarod's gaze never wavered from Parker's face. Several heartbeats passed in silence. Jarod sighed and said forlornly, "Do you honestly think Angelo knew how we felt about him?"
Parker nodded. "Yes I do."
Jarod eyes filled with moisture as he tenderly caressed her cheek with his fingertips. He shook his head sadly, "I don't ever want to wonder about you. I want to be sure that you know exactly what you've meant to me." Jarod gently took her face in his hands and pulled her close resting his forehead against hers.
"No matter what has happened between us," He whispered. "You've meant more to me than any single person in my life."
Parker's hands moved to his shoulders until her fingers could intertwine behind his neck.
Jarod sighed despondently. "No one else understands me like you have. Not even Sydney knows as much about me as you do. No one can hurt me the way you can, because no one else has the power over me that you do."
Parker held Jarod close as tears began to form in her eyes.
"I gave you a piece of my heart, of my soul, when we were children, Parker." Jarod whispered. "You have owned that piece of me ever since."
"Jarod." Parker sighed breathlessly.
"You were my first love, Miss Parker." Jarod said softly. "No one else has ever come close to ruling my heart like you." Jarod swallowed hard. " Just once in my life, I wanted to say it to you out loud so there would be no misunderstandings."
"I've always known, Jarod." Parker heaved brokenly. "Sometimes it was overwhelming. The knowledge that of all the people in the world, the one who truly cared about me the most was the one person The Centre would never let me have."
Jarod said bluntly, "I never stopped wanting you."
Parker swallowed.
"There was a period of time, while I was angry and hurt, when I stopped loving you." Jarod went on. "But I have always wanted you."
Parker smiled nervously. "Don't beat around the bush, Jarod. Just come right out and say what's on your mind."
"I've had a long time to think about this." He whispered.
"Is wanting me enough?" Parker asked anxiously.
"No." Jarod said simply.
Parker tried to speak past the lump that suddenly formed in her throat. "Then is there no hope for us now?" she whispered.
"That depends." Jarod said. "Do you care about me at all?"
"Yes, I do." Parker whispered.
"Prove it." Jarod said gruffly.
"How do you suggest I do that, Jarod?" Parker asked in irritation. "How can you know how much I've missed you? Is there any way to prove to you that every time the phone rings part of me hopes that you will be on the other end of the line?" Parker sighed. "I can't prove anything. I can only tell you that I care."
With an easy movement, Jarod slid to his knees two steps below Parker. Kneeling directly in front of her, Jarod looked up into her eyes. "Kiss me," He rasped. "I know how you feel when you kiss me."
Taking his face in her hands, Parker pressed her lips against Jarod's mouth. The kiss began tentatively, as two cautious strangers met in the dark. But Parker's body quickly reacted to Jarod's and the kiss deepened. She wrapped her arms around him and began nibbling hungrily at his lips. Jarod grasped her thighs and pulled her closer. Within moments, the years that separated them had vanished as they embraced each other passionately.
"Parker." Jarod whispered her name like a prayer.
Parker arched her back over the top step and let the blanket covering her drop to her sides. Jarod rained a trail of kisses down her exposed throat to lick greedily at her cleavage. He leaned his body more closely against hers. Parker wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him close with her thighs so she could feel his arousal against her own.
Jarod moaned when he felt her erect nipple even through her clothing. Taking the tiny bud between his teeth, Jarod suckled at her through the soft cotton of her sweater until she moaned in return.
Parker's throaty laughter rang triumphantly in the air. "Do you want me, Jarod?" She whispered erotically.
"God, yes." He breathed against her breast.
"Is wanting me enough?" Parker purred into his ear.
"Never." Jarod growled. "It will never be enough."
"Do you love me, Jarod?" Parker murmured throatily.
Jarod answered with a desperate sigh. "God help me, I do."
Wrapping her fingers in his hair, Parker dragged Jarod's mouth up to her own, kissing him deeply and passionately. "Prove it." She pleaded.
They made love in the square of light shining from the kitchen windows. They clung to each other, desperately trying to erase the years they had lost. When Jarod entered her, Parker gasped with the shear joy of it. Despite the Parker legacy and all the heartache Jarod had suffered as a result, this wonderful, incredible soul still loved her. Happy tears formed and rolled down Parker's face to disappear in her hair as she rose again and again to meet Jarod's passion.
Jarod loved her. For the first time in her life, Parker welcomed his devotion without reservation or doubt. She handed Jarod her heart eagerly, knowing that he alone could fill the dark void that haunted her soul.
Together they reached a shattering culmination, crying out against each other's lips. Jarod lay against Parker's breast shivering with reaction to the raw emotions he felt radiating from her.
Raising himself up on his elbows, Jarod tenderly brushed Parker's hair away from her face and gazed at her with awe. "Do you love me, Parker?" He asked quietly.
Jarod watched as her eyes began to glow with a wonderful mischief and a sly smile began to curl her lips. "God help me, I do. It looks like you're stuck with me."
Jarod nuzzled her throat as he laughed. His laughter dwindled suddenly and he sighed, his warm breath tickling her neck. "We've lost so much time, Parker." Jarod said regretfully.
"Hey." Parker chided. "No more regrets. We've spent too much of our lives dwelling on what has been taken from us. Now it's time to enjoy what we've got. We are lucky." She said cupping his chin in her palm and dragging his gaze to meet her own. "Most people can never appreciate their lives the way we will."
Jarod closed his eyes and sighed. "I want to believe you." He whispered. "I want to trust you."
Parker wrapped her arms around Jarod and held him tight. "You will, Jarod." She said gently kissing his brow. "Some day you will."
"What do we do until then?" Jarod asked.
Parker caught her lower lip between her teeth as the sly smile spread across her face once more. She locked her ankles together behind Jarod's back and squeezed him tightly between her thighs, momentarily making him gasp for air. "You run and I'll chase." She giggled playfully.
Jarod ran his fingernails softly down the back of Parker's thigh, tickling her into a squeal and loosening the vice-like grip she had around his waist. "Maybe I want to do a little chasing myself." Jarod said with a suggestive smirk.
Parker pushed Jarod off of her and sat up. Half dressed as she was with her hair tussled and her lips full from their recent kisses, Jarod thought Parker had to be the single most erotic creature to ever walk the face of the planet.
"Do you think you can catch me?" Parker sneered regally.
Jarod couldn't stop the grin that broke out on his face. He could get used to this verbal foreplay very quickly indeed. "I'll catch you, Parker, or die trying." He growled.
"Well then Wonder-boy," Parker smiled. "Let's see what you've got." She sprung up from the porch and dashed into the house.
Jarod took off after her. Parker got as far as the living room couch before she allowed Jarod to catch her. They wound up in a heap on the floor in front of the darkened fireplace where they quickly shed what was left of their clothing.
The rest of the evening was spent in a similar fashion. Playful teasing and rough housing would turn into sexual exploration of each other's bodies. Between bouts of lovemaking they talked about many things, especially their daughter. Parker taunted Jarod mercilessly, lovingly torturing him in to a mock submission that he was only to eager to give her.
It was well after midnight when they both fell into an exhausted slumber.
When Parker woke the next morning, the bed beside her was cold and empty. She tried not to panic but the doubt crept into her heart anyway. She hurried out of bed and pulled a silk robe over her nakedness. Fearful that Jarod may have left again, Parker rushed into the hall still tightening the robe's belt at her waist.
Jarod was standing in the kitchen gazing thoughtfully out the window as he sipped at a steaming mug. From the aroma in the room, Parker guessed that the cup held fresh coffee. Jarod was wearing well-worn blue jeans and a sweatshirt that had seen better days. He had running shoes on his feet and a black leather jacket hung casually across the back of one of the wooden kitchen chairs.
"You've been busy this morning." Parker observed.
Jarod shrugged. "I hope you don't mind that I borrowed your car." He said. "But I needed to get my things."
Parker smiled brightly at him as she crossed the room and poured herself some coffee. "Why would I mind, Jarod?"
He shrugged again without comment.
"Did you get everything?" Parker asked inquisitively. She sipped at her drink to hide the fact that she was prying.
"Everything except the car I left parked at the cemetery." Jarod answered. "We'll need to get it later."
Parker nodded. She sat in one of the kitchen chairs and the two of them drank their coffee in a companionable silence for a time.
With a slight fidget, Jarod sighed and said. "I wasn't sure what to do with my stuff, so I left most of it in the trunk."
"What you do with your things all depends on when you are planning on going home." Parker said cautiously.
Jarod swallowed, sat down in the other chair and glared nervously into his coffee cup. "I sort of felt like I'd already come home." He said slowly.
Parker's smile lit up her face. With a puff of relief, she threw herself out of her chair and onto Jarod's lap. Wrapping him in a warm embrace, Parker laughed. "Oh Jarod," She whispered into his hair. "Welcome home."
Jarod simply could not believe his good fortune. He gazed up in to Parker's face and reveled in the acceptance he saw glowing in her eyes. He kissed her.
Breathless after the deep kiss, Parker murmured into Jarod's hair, "Your folks will be disappointed."
Jarod nodded. "I'll promise to visit often." He vowed. "I belong here, Parker. They'll learn to accept that."
Parker nodded. "Just knowing where you are will make them happy. Promise me, Jarod, no more disappearing acts. Promise."
"I promise." He said.
"Parker?" Jarod asked quietly against the soft curve of her neck. Things were going so well at the moment, Jarod decided to push his luck just a little further.
"Hmm?" she murmured.
"Would you do something for me if I asked?" He said.
Parker sat up and looked at Jarod with a small frown. "It depends." She said carefully. "Why don't you ask and we'll find out."
Jarod's hand started to make anxious little circles on the small of Parker's back as he stumbled over his words.
"I've been thinking about our daughter." Jarod began.
Parker smiled. She liked it very much when Jarod referred to Sydney as 'our daughter'.
"I've missed so much; her first steps, her first tooth, her first Christmas. I didn't get to see her take her first breath." Jarod splayed one strong hand over Parker's abdomen. "I missed seeing you get fat." He smiled at her sudden indignation. "I didn't get to see her growing inside you."
Parker ran one hand through Jarod's hair. "I'm sorry." She whispered fervently. "I really am."
Jarod was very still and quiet for a minute. "Would you consider," Jarod finally stuttered. "Having another child?"
Parker sighed slightly. "I'm well in to my forties, Jarod."
"I understand," Jarod nodded. "It's your decision of course. If you don't want to, I understand."
Parker chuckled and kissed Jarod's temple. "I never said I didn't want to. I'm just saying that it may not be so easy to accomplish. Women my age can have trouble conceiving you know."
Jarod grinned lecherously and stroked her cheek with his fingertips. "But trying will be so much fun."
"Do you think so, Wonder-boy?" Parker breathed seductively.
"Mmm." Jarod groaned as Parker flicked her tongue in his ear. Coherent thoughts fled from his brain as he reveled in Parker's arms. At long last, Jarod had finally found his way home.
The End.