Chapter Five

Early one morning, when Daryl figures Rick will be hard at work on the garden, he relieves Beth of her babysitting duties and herds Shane down over to Rick's cell to finally meet Lil' Asskicker.

"Here," Daryl says gruffly, plunking Judy into Shane's outstretched arms. "I got work to do, and Beth's fuckin' exhausted. You take her for a while."

Shane stares at the baby in his arms with wide eyes. "I don't think Rick would want…"

"To hell with him," Daryl says, "He doesn't get a say when he ain't exactly in here watchin' her either."

Daryl is out the door a half-second later, leaving Shane floundering with a gurgling, happy Judith in his arms. Eventually, he recovers. He picks up the half-full bottle of formula propped up in her crib and offers it to her, chuckling in surprise when she grabs at it with her chubby little hands.

"There you go," Shane says softly, "I'm not so bad, huh? Just the guy with the bottle."

The nipple of the bottle comes out of her mouth with a pop, and Judy babbles something cheerful sounding at him, accompanying it with a gummy smile.

"Ba," Judy tells him.

Shane can't help it. He smiles back. "That's right. Ba."

He leans back against the wall with Judy in his lap, lets her shake the mostly-empty bottle up and down, frothing up the remaining formula. It reminds him of the first time Lori and Rick had entrusted him with Carl's care, shoving the screaming baby at him so they could get some much-needed sleep. At the time, he'd been terrified. He'd held Carl a handful of times since they brought him home, but never unsupervised. Babies weren't really his thing.

A few hours later, when Lori and Rick emerged from their room to find Carl fast asleep in his arms, he remembers the look on Lori's face. Her eyes had watered, lips quirked in a grateful smile. She hadn't needed to say thank you. Rick hadn't, either. Not when he plopped down beside Shane on the couch and pressed into his friend's side with no sense of personal space.

Now, Shane doesn't feel panic over having Judy in his arms. He settles on calling it a mix of nostalgia, love, and regret. Nostalgia for the life he used to have, with easy decisions and friends who trusted him implicitly. Love for the little girl in his arms, already, without any thought to it, because she was just so goddamn perfect. And regret, because he hadn't been here to see her born. Because he hadn't fought his way back to her in time to make a difference. Because he hadn't saved Lori, for her or for Carl.

Just outside the cell, Daryl leans against the cool, grey concrete and listens to Judy babble away at Shane. He'd wanted to give them some privacy, but he knew better than to go far. He sees Rick walking down the hall from the opposite end of the block and heads him off before he's within earshot.

"Hey," Daryl says.

"Mornin'," Rick replies, "Weather's gone to shit. Ain't gonna be much huntin' or gardenin' today."

"That's fine," Daryl says, "You ought to go have a proper meal for once."

"I was on my way," Rick says, "Just figured I'd pick up Judy first. Give Beth a rest."

Daryl takes a deep breath and says, "I already did. Told Beth to go get some sleep, since she was up all night, and passed Judy off to Shane for a while."

"You…" Rick's expression darkens, but Daryl cuts him off.

"He deserves to know her," Daryl says, "He does, Rick. This ain't about deciding who her real Daddy is, 'cuz she's your daughter and Shane knows that. But all of us here, we're family. Your words. And that means Shane and Judy are family too."

"I still…" Rick lets out a ragged sigh. "I'm still not sure I can trust him. Or forget."

"No one's asking you to, man. But right now, Judy and Carl are the only connection Shane's got left to Lori. And to you. He needs that."

Rick drags a hand through his hair, then nods jerkily. "Alright. But someone else needs to be there. At least...for now."

"I can make that happen," Daryl agrees easily. "He's in with her now. You can wait with me, if you want." He dips his head to force eye contact, the way he's seen Rick do dozens of times, and knows he has the other man caught.

Daryl doesn't bother to wait for his answer before padding quietly back towards Rick's cell, and situating himself against the wall, just around the corner. Rick comes to meet him, and together, they slide down onto their asses and listen to Judy's chatter from the other room.

"Ba," Judy tells Shane, all bright eyes and smiles. "Ba ba."

"Yeah, I hear you," Shane says, taking the time to comb his fingers through her peachy hair. "You look just like her, you know that? Thought maybe that'd make it harder, but it's good. Something about her's still here. And...and Christ, she was a hell of a lot better looking than me or Rick anyways."

Judy answers him with an enthusiastic ba ba ba, then fists her hands in his shirt.

"I'm sorry, kid," Shane murmurs after a long pause. "I should have been there. Should have been here, protecting you, like I promised your Mom I would. And...I'm sorry I had to forget about you for a while. It wasn't that I wanted to. It's just what I had to do to survive. Thinking about you, thinking about all the things I was missing and the life I used to have, it made it so much worse. Getting through each day alive- maybe even halfway sane, that was the important thing. And I couldn't do it if I was worrying about you, or your Mom and Dad, or Carl. I had to be someone else, for a while. Wasn't sure I'd be able to come back."

Shane's voice is low and soothing, and he can see the energy in Judy's face slowly fading. She slumps forward against his chest, and he cradles her there delicately, listening hard for the raspy sounds of her relaxed breaths.

"I won't leave you again," Shane promises her, "I didn't want to go away, but I'm back now, and I'm going to make myself alright. Better than alright. I'll make myself anything you need me to be. Won't ever let you get hurt. I swear it."

From inside the cell, Shane and Judy both go quiet. And awhile later, after the storm has passed, Rick shoots a meaningful nod Daryl's way then heads back outside with Carl in tow. Daryl creeps into the cell and finds both occupants out like a light. Even in his sleep, the muscles of Shane's arms are tensed around Judy's small form, a cage of flesh to shelter her from the world.

It's right then that Daryl decides he's ready for Shane to fuck him.

Daryl surprises himself with the thought, but it's less of a revelation than he'd expected. Somehow, every moment they'd spent together since Shane returned had been leading to this exact moment. Every shared meal, every brief touch. The trust had built and built, attraction trotting along right after, until there was no remaining doubts in Daryl's mind.

He wants this. He wants to trust someone enough to let them close, inside, and he wants Shane to be that person.

Daryl digs himself out a spot on the opposite side of the bunk, settles in, and waits for Shane and Judy to return to the waking world.

TWDTWDTWDTWD

If there was one thing Daryl had gleaned from TV and his classmates about losing your virginity, it was that it had to be special. It wasn't really a first time for either of them, not in a classical sense at least. But it was Daryl's first time with a man, and Shane's first time attempting the act he'd been forced into for months on end.

Daryl isn't entirely sure if Shane will even want this with him. Maybe it will bring up too many bad memories. Or maybe he doesn't feel that way about Daryl at all, isn't interested in expressing their mutual attraction that way. Maybe it is too soon for any relationship to take that turn, let alone after the shit Shane went through.

He can't predict how Shane will react. But it feels right, so Daryl knows his mind and body will not rest until he's at least broached the subject. The prospect of rejection looms just out of focus, like a shadow of a monster caught in your periphery.

Daryl manages to wait exactly six hours before it bubbles out of him like water from a boiling pot. They're in bed together, Shane propped above him, kissing slowly.

Pulling back, Daryl asks, "You fucked around with some guys before me, right?"

"A couple," Shane says, "Never told Rick. Only person who knew was Lori, and it took six shots of whiskey after Rick went into a coma to get that out of me. She was fuckin' devestated, ya know? Completely sure that Rick got shot thinkin' he hated her. And the whole thing was my damn fault- didn't see the third shooter in time- so she sent Carl to a friend's and we sat up drinking for hours, airing it all out."

"You know him getting shot wasn't on you," Daryl counters.

"I guess I do now. But at the time...I kept thinking that if I'd just seen that asshole sooner… But hell, seems like a decade ago, now. Lori told me then that it wasn't on me. And sometime after that, I told her about the couple of guys I'd picked up over the years."

"So it was just two?"

"Might have been three. There was one night I didn't end up remembering too well. Woke up alone, but last thing I remembered was being on some guy at the club like white on rice. So, coulda been three, I reckon."

"Did you like it?"

Shane licks his lips and narrows his eyes at Daryl, trying to follow where this might be going. "'Course I did. But not nearly as much as I like me and you. Thought you got this, man, I want you."

"I know you do," Daryl says quickly. "Want you too. That's...that's kinda why I'm askin'. Those guys, what did you do with them?"

"Fucked 'em," Shane replies with a shrug.

Daryl's voice is shakey when he asks, "Do you think you'd wanna do that with me?"

The playful look on Shane's face falls in an instant, and he pushes himself up into a sitting position.

"Shit. I- I- I won't ask again. I swear I won't ask about it again, okay? I"m sorry-"

"Daryl, stop," Shane says. His voice is low and soothing, not the angry outburst Daryl had expected. "I'm not going anywhere, not angry. But I need you to be real specific about what you're asking for here."

Bottom lip swollen and red from being bit too long, Daryl looks Shane in the eye and says, "Want you to fuck me."

Shane sucks in a sharp breath, and Daryl flinches.

"Told you, I won't ask again-"

"Why?"

Daryl blinks at him. "Why?"

"Yes, why."

"You can say no."

"I'm not saying no. But tell me why."

"Ain't wanting it enough?"

"Not if you're wanting it for the wrong reasons. I'm not saying no, Daryl. But I need to know where your head's at. So explain it to me."

Daryl pulls one of his knees up into his chest. "People always act like sex is the most important thing, like a good lay could cure your goddamn cancer. But it was never like that for me. Most of the girls I was with, I don't even remember. It wasn't…good. Sure as hell didn't trust them like I trust you. And you trust me?"

"I do," Shane says.

"Yeah," Daryl smiles at him, but it's a fleeting thing. "That's what's gonna make it different. Trusting someone enough to let them...inside...I've never felt like that. But I feel it now. I want it now. There was so much shit growing up that I didn't get to have, but Shane, I want this. Not unless you do, too, and not unless it's right, but I want it."

Shane nods slowly, then takes Daryl hand and says, "We prep for as long as I say."

Daryl's whole face lights up. "Of course man, whatever you want."

"I can't hurt you. If- If I even think I might be, I won't be able to-"

"You'd never hurt me," Daryl says. "I trust you. And, it's not supposed to hurt...right?"

Shane brings Daryl's hand into his lap and runs a finger of his knuckles. "It's supposed to feel good."

"Then it will. I know it will, because everything else with you and me has."

Shane's eyes, chestnut brown and wide, can't seem to leave Daryl's face.

"You tell me as soon as you need to stop. Or slow, down. Anything."

"I will," Daryl promises, a little breathless, "I swear I will."

"Should take everything off, then," Shane says almost conversationally, and there's that glint in his eye again. "They'll only get in the way."

While Daryl struggles to pop open the buttons of his shirt and shove his jeans down past his ankles, Shane sheds his cargoes and fingers the top button of his shirt.

"Don't have to," Daryl says.

"Yeah, I do," Shane says, and finally shrugs out of his shirt. "What me and you are gonna do, it's about trust. If I can't trust you with this, I sure as shit don't deserve to be inside you. Just...don't touch 'em. Not yet, at least."

Daryl nods his understanding and lets Shane guide him down onto his back, legs spread to leave him open and on display.

"You ever try it on your own?"

"No."

Shane smiles at him. "I'll make it good," he says, before dropping down onto his stomach and burying his face down where the skin was rosy and untouched.

All the breath in Daryl's lungs comes pouring out of him with the first touch of Shane's tongue. Daryl doesn't know much about what Shane apparently intends to do to him. He's seen snippets of it in porn, photos in magazines that he'd damn well burned after reading. But Daryl has always assumed it was an act, something that looked good on film but didn't translate to real life.

He is so fucking wrong.

Shane laps at him slowly, and Daryl keens. He'd figured the actual fucking part would feel good- it kind of had to, when so many men willingly opened themselves up to this kind of thing- but this is something else entirely. Nerves Daryl had never known existed are alight and tingling with pleasure, and Shane's tongue doesn't seem to end anywhere, and Christ, Daryl can't breathe.

"You like that?" Shane asks him, and he seems honest to god nervous, which makes Daryl's chest ache.

"Yeah," Daryl assures him readily, "Yeah, don't stop. Feels good. Didn't know-"

He has to cut himself off when Shane's tongue abruptly breaches him, twisting inside and jabbing slow and deep until he's sloppy wet.

"Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck," Daryl babbles, and it seems to be exactly what Shane needs to hear because he can feel the older man smile against him, proud that he could give Daryl this.

Shane keeps at it until Daryl is open and dripping wet, sobbing out Shane's name with every other breath.

"Still okay?" Shane asks him. He presses a chaste kiss to the inside of Daryl's thigh.

"Yes," Daryl lets out in a rush, "Want you inside me. Fuck, Shane, I need it."

"Not yet," Shane murmurs, "Gotta prep you some more. With my fingers. You got any slick?"

Daryl nods and moves on wobbling limbs to reach under the bed for the small bottle he'd brought back on a run weeks ago. He hands it to Shane, and the ex-officer leans forward to press their lips together.

"Keep talking to me," Shane says, "Need to make sure I can hear your voice. Like...like the first time."

"You won't hurt me," Daryl tells him again, and opens his legs a little wider for Shane to settle in between them. He watches with hooded eyes as Shane slicks up one finger, then presses it slowly into him.

"Good?" Shane asks.

Daryl comes up on his elbows to watch the place where Shane's finger disappears. It doesn't hurt, not even a slight burn after having Shane's tongue so thoroughly inside him, but it's still strange. Strange to have something foreign inside of him, something inside of him at all after last nearly four decades without ever so much as considering this moment.

"It's weird," Daryl settles on saying. "Doesn't hurt," he adds.

Shane thrusts his finger into Daryl until he's satisfied, then asks, "Another?"

Daryl nods, and let out a startled grunt when another finger pushes inside. It's a tighter fit than before, and stings a little at first. But then Shane crooks his fingers and finds a spot inside of him that makes Daryl release a sudden, desperate groan.

"Jesus," Daryl moans. He throws an arm over his face and bites hard into the flesh there to try to stifle the noises bursting out of him. "What...what is that? Fuck…"

Shane murmurs something along the lines of "state vacation," which makes no fucking sense, but Daryl can't really hear him between the noises bursting out of his chest and the blood pounding in his ears. And Shane just keeps rubbing against that spot, prodding it again and again and making Daryl's cock twitch and leak against his navel.

"More, more," Daryl's begging before he realizes the words are escaping him, "God, Shane. I want more. I need more."

"Shh," Shane soothes, "It's alright. I'm gonna give it to you."

And then there's a third finger inside of him and Daryl throws his head back as a shudder rips its way through him. It's almost too much to feel at once, but at the same time, Daryl is greedy for it. He wants everything Shane can give him, to feel their bodies slot together like two pieces of a puzzle. Daryl wants all the things he's denied himself since he knew what his dick was for, and he wants Shane to give them to him.

"Shane, please," Daryl moans. Blue eyes catch brown and hold there for several long moments, until Shane slides his fingers out of him. Shane's eyes are dark with arousal, but his free hand is shaking against Daryl's hip. Daryl places his own over Shane's and gives him a light squeeze. He'll never pressure Shane into this, let alone force him. "We don't have to," Daryl says, "I think...think I could come just from your fingers. We don't have to do more than that."

"But you want to," Shane whispers, his eyes on Daryl's flushed cock.

"Only if you do too."

Shane slowly drags his gaze up Daryl's body and to his face. His jaw is set, determined, even when his fingers continue to twitch and quiver with anxiety.

"I want it,' Shane asserts, "Just as much as you do. A good memory to replace the bad ones."

"Won't be just one good memory, if I have any say," Daryl rasps. "Shane, please don't make me wait anymore."

"Alright," Shane says, and kisses him again, slowly. "Alright."

He hitches Daryl's hips up off the bed and presses inside. Shane's never been frightened before, doing something like this, so anxious and raw. Even his first time, he'd been more excited than nervous, smiling the whole time at how lucky he was and how good it felt. Now, it still feels good. That much hasn't changed, and Shane is glad for it. But the prospect of becoming anything like the men who'd tormented him is so real and present that Shane can't help but let out a shaky whimper once his hips are flush with Daryl's ass.

"It doesn't hurt," Daryl tells him, and they both know it's the truth. Daryl feels full and warm, close to overwhelmed, but there's no pain. Just the feel of Shane so fucking close to him, over him and inside him, the most intimate thing two people could do. "It's good," Daryl adds, "You feel good."

Shane lets out a slow breath through his nose, and leans forward to press their lips together in a lingering kiss.

"C'mon," Daryl urges gently, "I want more. Want you to show me what I've been missing."

Shane smiles at him and presses their foreheads together. "I can do that."

Shane moves. He starts slower than slow, easing in and out of Daryl like he's afraid the man will break. But when Daryl starts to make needy, desperate noises underneath him, clawing at the backs of Shane's thighs, the older man takes the hint. He starts to move faster- shallow, forceful thrusts that massage the head of his cock over Daryl's prostate with pinpoint accuracy. Daryl moans and writhes against him, cock so hard that Shane can see it throb each time he hits home. With a glazed expression, Shane watches Daryl's cock twitch and leak in an endless pattern, distantly hears him chanting Shane's name, moaning it until it echoes out into the cell block.

"It's so good, Shane," Daryl groans, "Fuck. It's so good. I can't-"

"Tell me again that you want this," Shane begs, and Daryl doesn't hesitate.

"I want this," Daryl says, "Christ, it's everything I wanted. So much better than I thought. Didn't know anything could feel this way...fuck, I'm not gonna last. I'm not gonna last, Shane, it's too good."

With that, Shane wraps a hand around Daryl's neglected length and begins to roll his hips in the same fevered motion of his fist.

"I believe you," Shane groans, "Fuck, I believe you. Show me how much you love it, now, Daryl. Show me."

Shane twists the palm of his hand around the slick head of Daryl's cock at the same time that he shoves up against Daryl's prostate, hard. Daryl's vision whites out.

"Shane!"

His body explodes from the inside out, and all at once, Daryl is soaking Shane's hand with come. It splatters up his chest, a few specks making it to his neck. He clenches down hard around Shane, as if he could keep the man inside him forever, and feels the exact moment when Shane stills and follows him over the edge, sobbing into Daryl's neck while he pulses wave after wave of pleasure into Daryl's hot, tight body.

They're both panting after, sweaty and sated. Shane's mouth is buried in his skin, and Daryl can hear him trying to speak, but the words are garbled and broken. It takes a few minutes before Daryl realizes there's new wetness against his collarbone.

He eases Shane over until they're facing each other, and with the other man's mouth free, Daryl can finally understand him.

"...thank you. Thank you, thank you, God, Daryl…"

Daryl doesn't say anything in return. Just gathers Shane into his chest, tucks him tight under his chin and listens. What comes out are broken-off sentences and half-formed fears, things Shane has never quite managed to say.

"Never thought I'd get to have this again…"

"...they told me, told me I'd be worthless, that no one would ever want…"

"...don't get how you can want me, when I'm…"

"I don't know what I'd do without you."

Daryl keeps listening until Shane goes quiet. Once Shane's breathing has evened into something slow and deep, Daryl speaks.

"You're everything I want. Don't want you doubting that. I went so long without...and I didn't know what I was missing. I get it, now. So I don't want you thanking me. 'Cuz you gave me a hell of a lot more than I'll ever be able to give you."

A companionable silence settles over them, and Shane reaches a hand up to rub the remaining dampness of his face.

"Maybe we oughta call it a tie, then," Shane says. And when Daryl snorts out a surprised laugh, Shane follows him into a quiet fit of giggles.

Like that, it's easy again. Shane doesn't have to apologize, and Daryl doesn't have to tell him again that he wants everything Shane's willing to give him.

"We can do that again," Shane murmurs into Daryl's chest as he falls asleep, "Whenever you want."

"That's good," Daryl says quietly, "'Cuz I'm thinkin' next time I'll try ridin' you."

He hears Shane suck in a sharp breath, and feels the other man's cock twitch at the thought. It's enough of a reassurance for Daryl to slip into an easy sleep.