Hey guys! I haven't updated my other story, Benson's Torture as I have hit a block on that one. Last night, this story just kind of happened. I may or may not update it in a timely manner as I am very busy with school. Please do not read if easily triggered. The story may not follow exactly what happened in MCU. It takes place after the first Avengers but before the second Captain America.

Can you imagine waking up one day to find your life hasn't turned out the way you thought it would? No, not just your life, but the world? That's exactly what happened to Steve Rogers. Including the all too literal "waking up" part. One minute he's in a world where all he wants is to make it in the army, the next minute he wakes up in a completely different time. People, even his fellow avengers, seem to forget his age. There are some times he feels as old as he really is. Those are the times he misses the simplicity of his former world. One where technology was all but nonexistent and the only worry was if they were going to win the war. The times when he feels the weight of all he has lost and the loneliness that comes from losing everyone. Other times he feels 26. Those are the times when he still feels like the sick kid from Brooklyn and he realizes how little he has lived. He's still young and inexperienced in many things. He's never had a family, he hasn't even had sex for god's sake! Either way, he's constantly bombarded with frustration stemming from his inability to belong. He's not from this time, and he's both older and younger than his teammates. He feels like he has lived three lives. One as a sick child, another as a supersoldier in 1940, and the one he's living now. Yet, for some reason, he is expected to lead the group of superheroes.

/

It's a quiet Thursday morning when he stumbles upon his release. It's ironic really. He's simply shaving with the straight razor that had been given to him by Clint the previous Christmas. Clint figured he would appreciate the familiarity and he was right. Steve had used it ever since. The previous night, the team had been busy buzzing about a new film that had come out. It was about a man who had to leave his girl as he went off to war. He hadn't even watched the film and it still brought up memories of Peggy and the guilt of leaving her behind. All night he was plagued by nightmares of the war and images of Bucky falling kept flowing through his mind. As he begins to shave, he wonders what his life would have been like if he hadn't have crashed the plane. If he hadn't had the serum. If he was normal. Just a simple man living a simple life. Guilt begins to fill him as he thinks of all the people he has let down and left behind. Bucky. Howard. Peggy. His team. His country. "Dammit." He utters as his hands slips and nicks the side of his face. He watches his reflection in the mirror as the cut heals itself. Not even a scar is left behind. This only serves to remind him of the many ways he is different from his team. If they get hurt, they scar, they heal slowly, and they are human. And for the first time, he thinks that maybe pain is the only thing he has in common with anyone. He can still feel pain. In fact, he deserves to pay some sort of penance for the things he has done wrong. Without even thinking, he brings the blade down on his thigh and watches the gash stitch itself back together. Release is all he feels. He does it again, and again, and again.

/

No one notices his new habit. Mostly because he is diligent to clean up after himself and there is no scarring to hide. Either way, he is surprised no one sees the guilt that practically radiates from him. He knows it is wrong, but he deserves it. The trips to the bathroom become more frequent with every mission. He feels the weight of every life lost, and every injury on any of the avengers feels like it's his fault. After all, he is the captain. His is responsible.

/

Tony is the first one to notice something is wrong. Steve had gotten careless and a small stain of blood was left of the floor of the tile. He chalks it up to some battle injury, but he can't stop the nagging in the back of his mind that something wasn't right. After all, Steve's injuries are normally healed by the time they return to the tower.

The next morning, Tony decides to say something. He knows it's probably nothing, but it would make him feel better to confirm that. "Steve?" he asks, "I um… Well I was wondering why there was blood on your bathroom floor?" "I mean. Are you okay?" The question alone causes Steve's heart to race. "I'm fine Tony. I simply nicked myself shaving." "Oh. You know you really ought to just use a regular razor like the rest of us. Come on Steve, it's the 21st century!" Tony pats him on the back and heads to his lab. The supersoldier feels a little guilty over the lie, but the feeling of relief from not being caught is much greater. Steve becomes more careful to hide his little secret and no more stains show up on the floor.

/

Steve realizes he is becoming dependent on his habit when he tries to stop. He only makes it one day before a nightmare sends him to his razor. As he stands in his bathroom, he thinks of how disappointed everyone would be if they knew. He couldn't even go one day. That thought alone sends him into a rage. He is furious with himself for becoming such a failure that he is dependent on hurting himself to make it through the day. He spins around and punches the mirror before giving in to the urge to cut. This time he doesn't limit himself to one area of the body. He begins to violently cut his thighs, arms, and chest. He cuts and he cuts and he cuts. It's not enough. It will never be enough. He's about to break down when a knock on the door startles him.

"Steve, are you alright?" The voice belongs to Bruce Banner. "I was up late working on a project and heard something break. Can I come in?"

"No! I mean, I just had a nightmare and sort of punched the mirror. Everything's fine though! I'm fine."

"Steve." Bruce's voice is slow and steady. "I think I should come in. I'm going to force my way in if you don't open the door, and no one wants to see that."

Steve crawls over and unlocks the door once he has covered his injuries. He hopes they heal quickly before Bruce notices anything.

"See Dr. Banner. I'm fine. Just a dream. Really."

Bruce takes in the scene before him. Steve is on the floor by the sink with shards of glass from the mirror surrounding him. Beside him is a razor and the towel is soaked in blood.

"If you are fine, then why is the towel bloody?" All of a sudden, the realization of what has been happening hits Bruce. "Steve. Have you been hurting yourself?"

"No! That's crazy. Dr. Banner, I am fine. I promise!" Steve's voice is filled with desperation and he knows he can't hide any longer, but he can't stop lying.

"Oh Steve" Bruce lifts up Steve's shirt and sees the gashes. "You aren't fine."

"They heal themselves. There's no need to worry. It's just a bad habit."

Bruce takes a seat on the floor beside Steve and sighs.

"How long have you been cutting yourself?"

Steve's taken back by the question. How long has he been cutting himself?

"Um. Not that long"

Bruce just looks at him quietly, giving him the opportunity to come clean.

"A few months actually." He admits as he looks down at the floor.

He continues, "It started by accident. I was thinking about my life, my past life, and I nicked myself while shaving. I just got so angry when I saw how with all the bad I have done in my life, my body heals itself. It didn't even leave a scar. I don't deserve it. Any of it. And I just kept going back to it. I know it's wrong, but it makes me human. I can't get hurt like most people. I'm not even sure if I can die. But I can feel pain. I deserve to. Every life lost out on there is on my shoulders. Every injury you guys get is my fault. I'm supposed to lead this team when I don't even belong on the team." A sigh escapes before he can go on. "I'm just so tired Bruce." "So tired of it all. I shouldn't even be alive. I may be over 90 years old, but I've only been awake for 26 years of it. And sometimes I wish I hadn't woken up." "That I had just….been gone."

"It's not your fault Steve."

"What do you mean?"

"Any of it. You aren't responsible. We know what we signed up for. You lead this team because you are the best one of us. You have a good heart and are selfless, and kind. None of us are perfect. I've, well the other guy, has killed people Steve. Innocent people. I truly am a monster. But I have to realize that I can't live in constant guilt. Why do you think I tried to kill myself?"

"I'm not going to kill myself. Not that it would work anyways." Steve looks up at Bruce. "Do you wished it had worked?"

"Sometimes." Bruce admits. "But most of the time I'm glad I'm alive." "Steve, it isn't okay for you to hurt yourself. Even if you can heal. We need you here. We need a leader, but we mostly need you. You hold us together. The fact you are hurting so badly that you would turn to this isn't okay. Please let us help you." "It won't be easy. I know. I've been there. But I can tell you that you can get better."

"You mean, tell the team? They will be disappointed. I can't"

"You can. They won't be disappointed. They will be worried. Because they care about you Steve. We all do."

Bruce reaches over and grabs a hold of Steve's hand. Steve thinks for a moment before replying, "Ok." "But I can't tell them."

"That's okay. I'll tell them. Can you wait in living room? I'm sure you are a little overwhelmed right now and I don't want you to be tempted."

Steve nods his head and walks out of the room.

"Jarvis?"

"Yes Dr. Banner?"

"Can you alert me if Steve tries to hurt himself?"

"Yes Sir."

Now that that was taken care of, Bruce needed to get all of the other avengers together.

"Jarvis, wake the rest of the team and tell them I called an emergency meeting in Steve's room. And that they need to come now."

"Right away Dr. Banner."

Bruce wondered how he was going to tell them. How do you reveal to someone that Captain America, that Steve, had been hurting himself? Of course, Thor is the first to arrive.

"What is the matter Dr. Banner?"

"I'll explain once everyone's here Thor."

Clint is the next one in the room, followed by Natasha.

"Bruce, why on earth are we meeting at one in the morning?" Clint asks while Natasha simply gives him a look he takes to mean he better have a good reason for waking her so early.

"It's urgent Clint. I'll explain when Tony gets here."

"That could take ages Bruce."

To the surprise of everyone, Tony actually shows up right then. Granted, he is half-asleep.

"Bruuuuce. Why are we up so early? And why are we in Steve's room? Wait! Are we doing some "group bonding"? I never took you for a kinky one Bruce!"

"Of course not Tony! We have a serious situation."

"Shouldn't we wait for Steve?" Natasha interjects.

"Actually Natasha, Steve is in the living room. He didn't want to be the one to tell you guys."

"Tell us what Bruce?" Tony says, "What's going on?"

"We have a problem. I was up late in the lab working on a project when, about an hour ago, I heard a crash come from Steve's room. When I came in, he told me he had a nightmare and had punched his mirror. I asked to come into the bathroom and when he said no, I became worried so I told him I would break down the door if he didn't open it." Bruce pauses

"No offense, but you seem to have overreacted. I mean, I've certainly broken a mirror or two." Clint interrupts.

"That's not all. When he opened the door, I saw him sitting on the ground and beside him was a razor and a bloody towel." He takes a breath before continuing. "Steve has been cutting himself."

"What? What do you mean cutting himself? How long has this been going on?" Tony shouts before remembering the blood on the tile. "Oh, Oh God. About a month ago I noticed a blood stain on the floor. He said he nicked himself while shaving. And I believed him."

"It's not your fault Tony. None of us realized what was going on." Natasha says. "Bruce, how bad was it?"

"I can't say for sure Natasha with the rate his body heals. But it was still pretty bad when I saw the cuts. And he said he wished he had never woken up, that he had died in the ice." "He didn't outright say he wanted to commit suicide but he sounded a lot like I did right before I tried to kill myself."

"I can get Jarvis to play up a tape of what happened. And I'll program him to alert me if this happens again. Right now he's programed to alert me only if someone is dying or threatened by someone else. I didn't think of someone being threatened by themselves." Tony says. "Jarvis, play back the video feed from midnight to one."

The video begins to play on the TV Tony had put in Steve's room.

They all look at Bruce when the video finishes. Thor looks confused, Clint and Tony are on the verge of tears, and Natasha looks….distant.

"Dr. Banner?" It's the first words out of Thor's mouth since he learned of Steve's problem. "I am afraid I do not understand something. I understand the weight of leading a team. I feel that same weight when I lead my warriors on Asgard. What I do not understand is why Captain Rogers would keep hurting himself. Was he trying to punish himself?" He looks down, embarrassed that he had to ask such a personal question. He's not trying to pry, he truly wants to understand so he can help Steve.

"It's okay Thor. In fact it's good that you asked me now and there is nothing wrong with not understanding this kind of situation. The only person who knows why Steve is doing what he is, is Steve. We can all sympathize, but none of us have experienced the exact situations he has. I think his problem started with wanting a way to release his emotions. It is, in part, a way of punishment for him, but it is more than that. It's like an addiction. Every time he cuts, chemicals rush to his brain. These chemicals make him feel better and soon it becomes the only way he knows to cope with his emotions. SHEILD really let him down when they thrust him straight into the 21st century with no support. We let him down by not realizing how new all of this is to him. He's only been awake for a small period of time and everyone he knows is gone. It's up to us to help him."

"I think I understand now. Thank you." Thor hesitates and then asks, "Dr. Banner. Do you think it would be alright if I went and sat with Captain Rogers? We have been in here for a while and he's probably lonely."

"I think that would be fine Thor. We probably need to come up with some sort of plan to help him anyways so it might be a while."

Thor heads to sit with Steve and the rest of the team begins to think of a way to keep Steve safe.