I've been playing with this one for some time now, and the muse finally hit me to let me finish it. It was written almost exclusively to the hauntingly beautiful theme from the film Cast Away, composed by Alan Silvestri. It was the perfect soundtrack for this one shot, and really helped get my creative wheels turning.
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." – Lao Tzu
"Just how far away from people does this guy live?" Emily said, glancing out the window at the passing trees. She was beginning to wonder just how much of a loner this guy was – they hadn't passed another car, person, house, or road sign of any kind in the last 30 minutes.
"Guess he likes his privacy," JJ answered with a shrug. People could be funny that way – they'd run into their fair share of hermits throughout the years after all.
"Yeah, well I'm not too fond of being this far away from civilization."
"Me neither. I've got a bad feeling about this guy," JJ said, lending a voice to the feeling of dread that had been twisting in her gut since they'd drawn the short straw of driving the 3 and half hours out to see this guy who might have some insight on their unsub's particular methods.
"Well let's hope your gut and my gut are wrong," Emily replied, trying to keep her tone light but ultimately unable to. She had been experiencing those niggling feelings of worry too. There was just something foreboding about the whole thing.
"Yeah. And let's hope we get this unsub and can be on our way home by nightfall."
"Anxious to see the little guy?" Emily asked, turning to face the blonde and shooting her a knowing smile.
"Yeah," JJ admitted. "I swear I haven't seen him for more than twenty minutes in a row these last few weeks."
"It has been a pretty crazy caseload," Emily agreed. "But hopefully you're right and we can be on our way back to Quantico by tonight."
"Look, that's it there, right?" JJ said, pointing out a house on the right.
"Yeah, I think so. Doesn't look like anyone's home," Emily said, noticing the lack of any movement or recognition of their arrival. In a regular suburban neighbourhood, it could be expected, but here in the middle of nowhere? Surely he would've heard them drive up.
"Maybe he's around back?"
"Around back of what?" Emily quipped, arching an eyebrow at the blonde. The 'house' was less than half the size of her condo.
"You know, sometimes I forget you grew up in large and vast mansions," JJ teased, knowing it would get a rise out of the brunette. She hated people assuming she'd grown up as a rich snob.
"Don't start," Emily warned. "You check the house, I'll check "around back"," she said with a cheeky grin, using air quotes.
JJ stifled a chuckle at the brunette's words and nodded her understanding. She headed toward the door, and knocked loudly on it. "Mr. Farbley?" she called out.
There was no answer, but JJ swore she heard a bit of movement from inside. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up, and her gut was screaming at her that something was off. Her hand went to her gun and hovered there for a moment as she continued to take in her surroundings, cataloguing the details.
Just as JJ was about to knock for a second time, she heard a scream of pain from around the back of the house and JJ instantly knew things had just taken a turn for the worse. She pulled her gun out of its holster and sprinted toward the sounds.
She rounded the corner and found Emily on the ground, clutching at her abdomen with one hand, the other gripping her gun tightly.
"Emily!" JJ exclaimed.
"Get him," Emily ground out, gesturing to a figure running around the other side of the cabin. "He's the unsub."
JJ's eyes widened as she took in the amount of blood that had already strained Emily's shirt. "But you're-"
"Unsub!" Emily said loudly, her tone insistent and leaving no room for debate.
JJ's eyes found Emily's and she nodded once before taking off, retracing her path to hopefully cut Farbley off. She heard a spurt of gunshots from the front of the cabin, and when Farbley came into view, she saw that he'd made sure they couldn't leave. The tires, the windshield, the engine… He'd shot the hell out of their car.
"Randolph Farbley!" she called out, aiming her gun directly at him. "Put the gun down, and put your hands up."
He made no move to follow her directions, instead turning around slowly with a wide, evil grin on his face. "Not going anywhere now, are we, blondie?"
"PUT THE GUN DOWN!" she yelled more forcefully this time. She didn't know how badly Emily was injured, so she needed to resolve this quickly. "NOW!" she added when he made no move to do so.
"It's a shame you know, that brunette back there looked like she was in pretty bad shape… You might want to get her a doctor," he taunted, his grin widening and eyes twinkling.
"DROP THE GUN!" JJ repeated, locking eyes with Farbley.
After another agonizingly slow minute, he slowly bent down and began to place the gun down. Just as he was about to put the gun down onto the ground, he aimed it directly at her, intending to fire. But JJ was faster, squeezing the trigger and firing two rounds, dead centre. Farbley fell to the ground with a pained yell, and the gun dropped out of his hands.
JJ moved quickly toward him, kicking the gun even away from him. She kept her gun aimed at him, but immediately realized he was dead. She checked for a pulse to be sure, but her initial assessment was correct – he was no longer a threat. Throwing Farbley's knife far away from him for good measure, JJ turned and sprinted back to Emily. Her heart hammering in her chest, she felt her breath hitch as Emily's body slowly began to slide down to the ground. Her body looked like it had no tension left in it as it slowly slid downward, as though gravity was the only thing controlling it.
"Emily," JJ breathed as she holstered her gun and immediately covered the brunette's hands with her own.
"Farbley?" Emily forced out.
"Dead," JJ answered succinctly. "How bad is it?" she asked, nodding toward the wound.
Emily grimaced. "You tell me," she said, shooting JJ a look.
"I'm gonna lift up your shirt to get a better look, okay?" Emily just nodded, her eyes scrunched shut in pain. JJ pushed up the shirt and found herself gasping at the damage Farbley had done.
"That bad, huh?"
"Jesus, Em," JJ said in shock. "How many times did he stab you?" she asked when she realized just how much blood had already made its way out of Emily's abdomen.
"A few times," Emily managed to get out, as she squirmed under the pressure JJ was putting on the wounds. Her tone was not a defeated or scared one. In fact, she sounded pissed.
"It's okay, it's okay. You're gonna be okay," JJ said, almost as though trying to convince herself.
"I think I can walk with some help. If we can get to the car…"
JJ looked up apologetically. "He shot the car, Em. I'm so sorry."
Emily's eyes closed as the realization washed over her. No cell signal, no car… And the team wasn't expecting them back for at least a few hours, and a few stab wounds that were causing her to bleed out.
"Does he have a sat phone?" Emily asked after a moment.
JJ blinked at her words. Maybe. She hadn't checked the house yet. God, how stupid was she? There could be another person in there, for all she knew! "I'll go look. You stay here."
"Not like I'm going anywhere," Emily quipped, a trace of bitterness in her voice.
"Keep pressure on it, Em," JJ instructed. Emily just nodded, electing to lean her head back down on the ground.
JJ got up and headed purposefully toward the cabin, praying that Farbley had a phone, or something to let them contact the team. She pushed open the door, her gun drawn, just in case. It was eerily quiet, the creak of the door, and Emily's labored breathing the only sounds. She scanned the entire house, and found it was as simple and rustic as she feared – no phone, no keys, nothing that was any help whatsoever.
JJ let out heavy breath as she closed her eyes, willing the tears that had formed to disappear. She had to figure out something. Emily couldn't die out here. Not after they'd just gotten her back. Not after she'd beaten Doyle. Not after she'd finally come back to them.
The tears were hot on her cheeks as she failed to rein in her emotions. God, why couldn't she compartmentalize better?! Emily needed her to stay level-headed and figure out some way out of this. There had to be a way. There just had to be.
"Jayje?"
JJ heard Emily's slightly wheezy call and closed her eyes, knowing they were screwed. The team knew where they were, but they wouldn't start to worry about them not being back for at least a few hours. He wasn't supposed to be an unsub. Just a guy who had might've had some insight on the unsub's methods.
"Jayje?" Emily repeated. JJ's eyes shut as she realized Emily sounded weak. Emily never sounded weak.
"I'm here, Em," JJ said, trying to keep her voice even as she made her way back toward Emily.
"Judging by your expression, I'm guessing he didn't have a phone?" JJ shook her head sadly. Emily's eyes shut as she exhaled heavily. "And the car's definitely not drivable?" JJ shook her head again, her focus on putting pressure on the wounds renewed. "Well then you better get running, Jareau."
JJ's eyes snapped up to meet Emily's gaze. "What?"
"There'll probably be cell reception a few miles down the road. Go for a little jog and then call in the cavalry."
"No," JJ said as she shook her head. "No way. I'm not just gonna leave you here."
"We don't have a choice, JJ."
"I'm not leaving you here to bleed out all alone."
"I'm not going to bleed out if you get me some help. I swear you're in better shape than Morgan. I can hold on while you get help."
"Emily," JJ argued, shocked by how calm Emily was able to remain. "I'm not leaving you."
"You have to," she said forcefully, fixing the blonde with an intense glare. "Unless you want me to bleed out here in this piece of shit's yard."
"Em…"
"Please, JJ. Just go, I'll be fine."
JJ stared at Emily for a moment, finding a strange comfort in the brunette's determined expression. She was right – there weren't any other options.
"Okay," JJ whispered. "But you make sure you're still alive when I get back."
"I'll do my best," Emily replied with a roll of her eyes.
JJ ran. She ran faster than she thought she could, and probably faster than she should, given how far she likely would have to travel before getting back into a spot with cell reception. But as she sucked in air, all she could picture was Emily lying there all alone, blood seeping out of those stab wounds. It wasn't fair. Emily didn't deserve this.
She'd worked so hard to get her life back after the mess with Doyle. Things had finally begun to settle into place for her again. She had repaired the friendships that our secrecy surrounding her "death" had fractured, and had begun to spend time with the team outside of work again. She even visited Declan on the weekends we weren't on a case, and made it to as many of his lacrosse games as she could.
And now this.
She had endured more than her fair share of pain, and yet the universe seemed intent on ensuring more got thrown onto her plate. It just wasn't fair. JJ urged her legs to move faster, focusing on sucking in more oxygen instead of the images of Emily bleeding out in a psychopath's yard.
It took her 30 minutes of running at what felt like a blistering pace for her to finally get a signal on her cell. Her hands shook as she tried to select Garcia's number, but the sweat on her hands interfered with the touch screen, taking away precious seconds from rescue's arrival.
"GODDAMNIT!" JJ yelled as she wiped her hands on her pants in an effort to dry them. She swiped again on the screen and let out a quiet "oh thank god" as it responded to her touch.
It rang just twice before Garcia answered. "Pay full attention to me – the woman behind the curtain. Speak and be rewarded!"
"Garcia, it's JJ. I need an ambulance sent to Randolph Farbley's house right now."
"Ambulance?" Garcia repeated in a panicked tone. "Why? What happened?"
"Randolph Farbley is the unsub."
"The unsub?! But I thought he was just-"
"He stabbed Emily," JJ interrupted.
"I'm sending everyone, Jayje," Garcia replied quickly, feeling panic spread through her and tears well in her eyes.
"Tell the team. I have to get back to her. There's no cell reception at the house." JJ didn't wait for a response, knowing that Garcia would do what she asked. She ended the call and shoved the phone back into her pocket before turning around and beginning the 30 minute run back to Farbley's house.
JJ could feel the burn in her legs after just a few minutes. She wasn't used to running so far a distance at so quick a pace, but as images of Emily lying in a pool of her own blood flashing through her mind was all the motivation she needed to ignore the pain and urge her legs to move a little quicker.
She made it back to the house in a little under 30 minutes, and came around the corner, finding Emily lying down, her eyes closed.
"No," JJ breathed as her heart dropped into her stomach. "Emily!" she yelled desperately, but there was no indication that the brunette had heard her.
"Oh god," JJ said as she dropped to her knees next to Emily, finding way too much blood soaking the ground around her friend. Tears rushed to her eyes as she reached her shaky fingers to Emily's neck to feel for a pulse. It was only then that she realized there was blood around her mouth as well. Definitely not a good sign.
JJ let out the breath she had been holding when she felt a pulse. It was weak, but it was there.
"They're coming, Em. You gotta hang on," JJ whispered through her tears, putting pressure onto the stab wounds. "Come on, please Em. Hang on."
Emily's eyes fluttered open and closed sluggishly as she grunted in pain. "Jayje?" she slurred.
"I'm here, Em," JJ said, grabbing Emily's hand with one of her own. "I'm here."
A small frown crinkled Emily's brow. "You stink," she said, her words still slurred.
JJ's eyes widened and she let out a short laugh as she exhaled. "Yeah, I guess I do," she admitted, realizing that between her miles of running and the hot summer day, she had sweat right through her clothes.
Emily's attempt at humour had lifted JJ's spirits for the briefest of moments. If she could crack a joke then maybe… But as quickly as that brief relief had come, it disappeared as Emily's face shifted to a grimace of pain and she began to cough.
JJ struggled to keep her composure as she watched Emily's body shake feebly with the effort of coughing, a pink-red hue colouring her lips with each cough. When the coughing fit had passed, JJ let go of the brunette's hand and reached up to wipe the blood from Emily's mouth.
"Pretty bad, huh?" Emily breathed out, her eyes meeting JJ's.
JJ avoided directly answering her friend's question, instead deflecting focus away from it. "Help's on the way, Em. Just hang on."
Emily's eyes drifted closed as her head lolled to the side, prompting JJ to reach out a hand and steady her head. "No, Em. Come on. Stay with me. You have to stay with me," JJ pleaded as tears flooded her eyes.
"It hurts," Emily said with a whimper. JJ's eyes widened at her friend's tone. Emily was not one to admit weakness, so the fact that she was so willingly doing so absolutely terrified JJ.
"I know," JJ whispered, reaching over to once more grab Emily's hand and squeeze it tightly. "I know, Em. Just hang on."
They fell into silence after that. JJ didn't know what to say, so she just squeezed Emily's hand every so often to convey comfort and reassurance, and to make sure Emily was still conscious. The brunette agent seemed to be relatively okay for now, but she'd already lost a lot of blood, and JJ wasn't entirely sure how long she could hold on.
JJ glanced at her watch and found that just over 40 minutes had passed since she'd gotten back to the house. If Garcia had called the ambulance right when JJ told her – and JJ had every reason to believe that she had – then that was almost 70 minutes ago. With Emily driving at just over the speed limit, they'd made it to the house in a little over 3 and a half hours. Assuming the ambulance was moving at speed much higher over the limit, JJ assumed they'd get to the house quicker than that. But that still left likely a bit over two hours until anyone got there.
"Jayje?"
JJ was shaken from her thoughts and mental calculations when she heard Emily say her name weakly. The lack of strength behind Emily's voice scared JJ. Gone was the bitter and frustrated tone. And as JJ looked into Emily's eyes, she found her heart dropping into her stomach. Gone was the determination that had reassured JJ just an hour before.
Emily was fading fast.
"Yeah?" JJ said, trying desperately to keep her voice from hitching as she realized her friend may have already given everything she had. That she was starting to give up.
"Do you think it'll be different?" she asked softly as fear bloomed in her eyes.
It took JJ only a moment to comprehend what she was asking. The afterlife. The cold and darkness that she had experienced after Doyle's attack that she'd revealed to the team only weeks ago. Tears filled JJ's eyes as she realized Emily was scared.
Fear in Emily was not something JJ was used to seeing. The brunette was usually confident and courageous, even when facing down dangerous unsubs. Even as they'd flown to Paris with the understanding that she was about to embark on an indefinite time in hiding, Emily hadn't given in to fear. Even as she was beaten on that ranch in Colorado, she'd remained firm in her strength.
But JJ could see the fear in Emily's eyes plain as day, and it broke her heart. With theirs gazes still locked, JJ abandoned her task of keeping pressure on the stab wounds and instead lifted her hand to Emily's face, gently stroking it just as she had done countless times with Henry after he had a nightmare.
In that moment, JJ knew the ambulance wouldn't get there in time. She knew that the team's arrival would be too late. She knew these were her friend's last moments.
"It will, Em," JJ said with a shaky voice. She felt the weakest of squeezes from Emily's hand and offered a watery smile in return as she desperately tried to hold back her tears. "I know it."
Emily's eyes closed for a moment and she seemed to lean ever so slightly into JJ's hand that hadn't stopped gently stroking the side of her face. JJ felt the slight change in pressure against her hand and felt her lower lip begin to tremble with the effort of holding back her tears.
The brunette's eyes opened slowly and immediately found JJ's gaze. "I'm scared," Emily whispered so quietly that JJ almost missed it. It was so uncharacteristic, but that's what made it so painful for JJ to hear.
JJ's tears broke through the dam at her friend's words. "I'm here," JJ whispered, giving Emily's hand a tight squeeze. "I'm not going anywhere."
Emily's eyes filled with tears then, and the two friends stared at each other, each trying to convey the words they couldn't verbalize. Trying to convey a friendship's worth of feelings with just a look and a firm grip on the other's hand.
Moments passed as they each grappled with the hard truth of the situation. Emily opened her mouth as though she were going to say something, but hesitated, instead slowly licking her lips and shifting her gaze around the yard. A few seconds passed before she gathered the courage to speak. "Can you tell my mom that I'm sorry?"
JJ nodded, unable to make words form.
"I thought I'd have more time," she said sadly.
"She knows you love her, Em. All mothers know their kids love them. And she was so proud of you, Em," JJ reassured, knowing that the relationship between the two Prentiss women, while still a bit uncomfortable and strained, had made leaps and bounds in the months since Emily had returned. Emily had confided in JJ that it was one of her wishes – to repair the relationship she had with her mother. By all accounts, it had been going well so far.
"And Henry…tell him I'm sorry I couldn't take him to the zoo."
JJ pressed her lips together as she shook her head. The weight of the brunette's words was getting to her. These were her goodbyes. "I will."
"And tell the team-"
"They know," JJ interrupted, knowing exactly where Emily was going to go with her request. They already knew she loved them, and was honoured to have worked with them. "And we all feel the same way about you. We're all proud of you. I'm proud of you."
Emily seemed to struggle to contain her emotions as tears made their way down her face freely. "I'm sorry," she cried.
JJ's tears fell just as quickly as Emily's as she desperately tried to console her dying friend. "It's okay, Em. It's okay."
Minutes passed before either woman was able to say anything else. The gravity of the situation had sunk in, and Emily had accepted the inevitability of her death, it seemed.
"JJ…" she began in an almost whisper. "Thank you. For everything."
JJ shook her head. "Em…thank you," she said shakily.
The silence they fell into was the loudest silence JJ had ever experienced. She swore she could hear Emily's slowing heartbeat. Emily's eyes slowly drifted open and closed as she struggled to stay with JJ. She had long since lost the ability to squeeze JJ's hand, so JJ squeezed her hand for both of them.
JJ had stopped asking her to hold on, knowing the brunette would do everything in her power to do exactly as she asked. And given the situation, JJ knew it wasn't fair to ask that of her. It was too much to ask.
JJ looked up at the brightly lit summer sky for a moment, trying to find the strength to say the words that Emily needed to hear. She felt the light breeze and heard the rustling of the leaves in the nearby trees. In a situation that was very much the epitome of dire, JJ felt a strange calmness overcome her. She felt a strength that she hadn't believed she could find.
She closed her eyes and let out a heavy exhale before she looked back down at Emily. "You can let go, Em," she said softly, holding the brunette's gaze. Emily's brow furrowed in confusion. "It's okay," JJ reassured with teary eyes, "you can let go."
Emily's expression shifted to a mixture of sadness, relief, and peace at JJ's words. "I love you, Emily Prentiss," JJ whispered as she leaned down, a few tears dripping onto the brunette's face. JJ wiped them away and offered what she hoped was a comforting smile.
Emily's eyes closed, and did not reopen, but the faintest hint of a smile graced her lips. Her laboured breathing slowed until it stopped completely. Her body lost the last remnants of life, but JJ kept a tight hold of her hand, unable to let it go. She may have found the courage to say the words to allow Emily to let go, but JJ hadn't quite found the strength to do so herself.
The team arrived an hour and a half after Emily had drawn her last breath, and found JJ in the same position, gripping Emily's hand tightly. It was Hotch who managed to convince her to let go of the brunette's hand, and it was Rossi who helped her to her feet. It was Morgan who caught her and held her tightly when the grief she'd been holding in came pouring out all at once, and her legs went out from underneath her. It was Spencer who sat down beside her and held her tightly. It was Garcia who blubbered on the satellite phone with her, unable to believe it.
The FBI had lost an agent, Elizabeth Prentiss had lost a daughter, and society had lost a hero. The team had lost a dear friend, and JJ had lost a sister.
JJ glanced over to where Emily lay, spotting that same small smile still on her face. Her eyes closed as she remembered Emily walking over to her and Garcia all those years ago. Emily's slightly amused tone echoed in her mind. Ladies, this is Brad – a real FBI agent. JJ felt the tiniest of smiles start to creep onto her own face as she remembered that night. As she remembered the beginning of a great friendship.
God, she was really going to miss her.
Thoughts? Feelings? Comments? Let me know.
And for those who are curious - the title is borrowed from the Latin phrase. A modern take on it is to have a tiger by the tail - you cannot hold onto it indefinitely without harm to yourself, nor can you let go without harm befalling you. It's a lose-lose situation between letting go and holding on.