The Spider

Description: Freelancers and their reactions towards a spider... Jesus Christ.

A/N: I have no explanation for this nonsense.

It was just York, North, and Washington in the rec room. The three men were surrounding the coffee table, all playing a friendly game of poker. Really, there was no reason why a spider should've shown up. What did they do to deserve it? Sure, they murdered people all the time, but it was for a good cause, right? This was all the spider's fault. Everyone knows it. That spider needs to stop hiding in it's web of fucking lies. Nonetheless, a creepy little shithead of a spider made it's way twirling down on a thick, see-through line of web, coming down to invade the coffee table. No one noticed at first, too focused on their game, until York glanced up, hoping to see if North or Wash was bluffing. Instead, he came face to face with a terrible, tiny little spider.

"OH MY GOD!" Was the only warning anyone had as York leaped like a cat onto the table, accidentally knocking the spider off the web, sending it hurtling at the wall, where it was surprisingly unharmed. "SPIDER!"

"What?" North looked up at York, confused as he watched his cards go fluttering into the air, York having knocked everyone's cards out of their hands in his panic. "What spider?" He followed York's pointing, shaking finger towards the twitching arachnid on the wall. "Oh. That spider." He muttered.

There was a beat, before North was screaming as well, trying to hide under the coffee table. Unfortunately for him, it was too short, and York was on top of it, meaning he couldn't lift it up to hide under. "Dear God! Kill it! Kill it!" North begged, lunging behind the couch to shake in terror.

"What are you guys flipping out about?" Washington finally looked at the spider, and unlike his friends, seemed unaffected by the spider's scariness. "Aw, cool!" He exclaimed, creeping towards the wall to examine the spider more closely. "That's gotta be a black widow! Man, I've only seen them on TV or in magazines! God, just look at it. You can tell it's a black widow because of the red hourglass on it's abdomen!"

"I don't care if it's Jesus reborn, man! Get rid of it!" York begged even more, jumping up and down in terror on the coffee table. How it didn't break under his weight, no one knew. "Oh God, why do there gotta be space spiders?"

"Space what's?" South asked, walking into the room beside Connie. "The fuck is going on in here? All I heard was North crying like a weenie."

"SPIDER!" North screeched, pointing viciously at the wall to illiterate his point to his twin sister. "South, run for it! It's gonna kill you!"

"Ugh, that's gross," South mumbled, walking to the far corner of the room to pick up a discarded baseball bat. "I'll get it." She declared, walking towards the little spider.

"DON'T KILL IT!" Washington ordered, jumping up in defense for the arachnid. "WHAT DID SHE EVER DO TO YOU GUYS ANYWAY!? LEAVE HER BE!"

"I'm with Wash on this one," Connie agreed, joining Wash in defending the dangerous spider. "It's not like it's hurting anyone by existing."

Before Connie could continue, in came Carolina, Florida, and Wyoming. Immediately seeing what was going on, Carolina let out a shrill scream, jumping up onto the table with York, both battling to stay balanced. "WHY THE FUCK IS THAT PIECE OF SHIT ON THE MOI!?" She screeched.

Florida and Wyoming exchanged a look, before Wyoming actually saw the spider on the wall. "That thing is repulsive," He muttered, gagging. He found his newspaper on the floor, and started rolling it up cautiously. "I can take care of this, kids."

Florida, also seeing the spider, slowly began to back out of the room. "Nope," He whispered, slightly terrified. "No. Not today."

Wyoming glanced up, surprised. "Excuse me?" He asked, caught off-guard. "Butch, I assure you, if you give me a moment I can-"

Florida put his hand over Wyoming's mouth, leaning into his face, eyes wide and surprisingly calm. "No. Not today, Reggie. No." He slowly began to drag Wyoming out of the room, a string of 'nopes' being heard until he was too distant to be heard.

"Well, that was an over-reaction," Washington muttered, before giving York and Carolina an unimpressed look. "Of course, you two are acting even weirder. What did spiders ever do to you?"

"They were born. NOW GET RID OF IT!" Carolina ordered, having made her way up onto York's shoulders, making the brunet sway dangerously on the coffee table.

"Why is everyone screaming in here?" Tex asked as she came in, Maine by her side. One look at the spider and Maine was gone, walking down the hallway in the opposite direction. "Holy fuck, is that a spider!?" She asked, referring to the Satan-impersonator of an arachnid.

"I'll take care of it! Get outta my way, fucktrucks!" South shouted angrily, rushing both Wash and Connie as she targeted the spider on the wall.

"I got this." Tex promised, pulling out her pistol, proceeding to fire off seven bullets into the wall, completely missing the spider.

"Hey! Watch it! Someone could get hurt!" North warned, but made no move to leave the safety the couch provided him with.

"ENOUGH!" Connie suddenly screeched, making everyone stop, eyes wide as they stared at the shortest Freelancer on the MOI. "God, this is getting out of hand! Here-" She grabbed an empty cup off the table along with one of the Poker cards, using them to catch the tiny spider. "-I'll keep it in my room until our next mission, okay? Jesus." She left the room, all who had been terrified clapping for her ceremoniously.

"Thank God for CT." Carolina muttered, and right on cue, York completely lost his balance, sending them both off of the coffee table. Unfortunately, for Wash and South, who were both still on the floor from when South tackled Wash, York and Carolina landed right on top of them.

A beat. Out of nowhere, the coffee table broke in half. "Well... that was... loud," Tex eventually concluded, holstering her pistol. "And you fuckers were getting so worked up about a lil' spider..."

"DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON YOU, MISS-" Carolina cut herself off as the Counselor stepped into the room, looking over the damage. "-Um... hello, Counselor."

The Counselor simply nodded, before sighing, shaking his head in defeat. "I'm not cleaning this up." He muttered, leaving the Freelancers to deal with it themselves.

A/N: This is a masterpiece. Please R&R!

~CabooseHeart.