Chapter 24

What does it mean,

When you belong to someone.

When you're born with a name,

And you carry it on.

Won't Give In, The Finn Brothers

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What the hell was I thinking?

How did I let this happen?

What do I do now?

I'm not sure if she's truly asleep or not. She sure does look peaceful though, lying there in my arms.

Why didn't I say no?

Why is that one little word is so hard to say to her?

I guess I couldn't really say it, though. I mean, I was the one who came here. It was my decision to talk to her, so how could I push her away when she'd been understanding enough to talk to me at four in the morning?

Truthfully, I'm not even sure that I know why I did it? I couldn't sleep, and I was feeling terrible about how I had behaved through this whole thing. I just kept trying to imagine how hard this had all been for her, harder even than for me perhaps. It was then that I realised exactly how much of a pain I'd been, and that I'd been making things even harder for her, something I never wanted to do. She was good enough to take me in, to try and show me my past, and I repay her by being the world's biggest idiot. I should get an award for it or something.

That was why I felt I had to apologise, and to share how I'm feeling with her…well, a little of how I'm feeling at any rate. I owed her that much.

For some reason, I wanted her know that she's the only person I can remember. I was so afraid that she would leave otherwise.

No…not afraid, exactly, but, I didn't want her to go.

Who am I kidding?

I was afraid. Afraid that she would leave, and I'd never find out just who I was, afraid that I would never find out what we had together.

I don't think I've ever been so ashamed of myself. At least, I don't remember ever being any more ashamed of myself. I can't believe how cowardly I've been. I should be able to deal with this on my own. I shouldn't need anybody to hold my hand and guide me through it, but I do, and I hate myself for it.

I've never needed anybody before, so why now? Why do I have to be so weak?

Is this really the life I want to lead? To be weak and to rely on people?

It worth trading the life I had in Winhill to know who Squall Leonhart really is?

Sometimes, I wonder. Back in Winhill, I didn't have these kinds of worries in my life. I was my own boss, I could do what I want, and I didn't have to worry about how other people felt. When I think back on it, it was a good life. A simple life, but a good one.

But it wasn't mine.

That's what keeps holding me back. There's part of my mind that keeps thinking that it would be so easy just to run away from here, to jump on the boat and return to the life I had before. Easy, but cowardly.

Then there's the other part of my mind, the one that's kept me here so far. The one telling me that this is my life, and I have to fight for it no matter what. That was the part of my mind that took over when Rinoa asked me to stay.

That was why I couldn't say no.

Maybe, there is a part of me that doesn't want to be the real Squall Leonhart, but it's fighting a losing battle.

And all because of her.

All because of the woman that's lying in my arms now, sleeping. She's the link to my real life, the one person I can remember, and know that I cared for. I know she can help me too. I know she can, because every time I'm near her, something happens to me. I feel something…strange. I guess that's the only way I can describe it. It's not an unpleasant feeling, far from it. It's just different from anything that I'd ever experienced in my life at Winhill. That means that there must be something of my past left inside me, and she's the key to unlocking it.

That's why I'm so afraid she'll leave. If she does, I'll just carry on being the broken shell of a man that I am now, with no past, a confused present, and an uncertain future.

With her, I'm not like this. I feel as if everything's going to turn out alright in the end, that it's only a matter of time before all of my memories come flooding to me, and I'll be Squall again. I know that I might be foolish and delusional, but there's a chance that she can help me, I know it.

She has to be the key.

I held my breath as she shifted her head slightly on my chest, not wanting her to waken. When she had settled once again, I exhaled and began to brush her hair away from her eyes. I was sure to do this gently, I didn't want to disturb her after all. There was something comforting about this, something relaxing. The long night awake was beginning to take it's toll on me, and I felt secure enough here to shut my eyes and drift off to sleep.

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I was lying next to her, cradling her in my arms. I placed her head softly onto my chest and handed her my shirt to dry her eyes on. I hated seeing her like this, but sadly, the tears were becoming a part of our daily lives, and all because she's a sorceress. Sometimes, I just wish that we could both run away from this place, so that we could just be together. No more prejudice against her, no more fearful glances in the corridors, just us two. The more I think about it, the more appealing the whole idea is, but how can I leave this place, my home? How could we leave our friends, our responsibilities? No, all it will ever be is a dream.

Does she cry every night?

I wish I could be here to protect her. Those words she had said to me had filled me with joy.

"Stay with me tonight."

Now, they just made me feel guilty, that I'd let her down. I should be here for her all of the time, not just when it suits me, and Garden protocol. I shouldn't have listened to that stupid rule about not having anybody in your room after lights out. Maybe, at one time, I had cared what people thought of me, but now, they can think what they like. I want to be with her every night. I know a lot of people will misunderstand, but that's their problem. All I know is that I want to be near her, and that's what matters to me.

I stroked her hair gently, trying to offer her any comfort that I could.

I was angry, angry at that jerk who reduced her to tears, and angry at myself for letting him near her. This was all my fault.

"If it helps, he's now in Deling Hospital recovering nicely." I was surprised when she laughed.

"Very funny," she replied jabbing me in the stomach, playfully.

"Actually, it's true. Just thought that image might cheer you up or something."

"Squall!" she exclaimed. "He's a very important client. You could lose heaps of money."

"I don't care," I answered truthfully. "I don't want his business."

"Thanks Squall," she said, pulling me even closer.

"No, thank you. Thank you for letting me stay."

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My eyes drifted slowly open, and as my blurred surroundings slowly came into focus, I struggled to remember where I was. I found the answer lying in my arms, still sleeping peacefully. I must have fallen asleep whilst I was watching her.

Two things struck me about the current situation.

One was that it was so similar to the memory I had dreamt in the night. At least, that's what I assumed it was. Maybe lying here with her had jogged my memory of that night, or maybe it was just a dream. Until Rinoa woke up, there was no way of knowing for sure.

The second was that it was light outside. I had slept much later than my usual dawn waking hour, and I had somebody to meet today urgently. I was just about to get out of bed when I remembered Rinoa. Looking at her, I realised I wouldn't be able to wake her without an incredible feeling of guilt. She must have had a sleepless night too.

My decision was that easy to make.

He'll just have to wait.