Chapter 21

A long silence followed her statement while I tried to collect my thoughts once again. She still had doubts about her place in our life, doubts I needed to assuage. I placed my hand under her chin and tilted her head so she would have no other place to look but directly into my eyes.

"Don't ever doubt that we want you in our lives. That I want you in my life." I said it with such conviction that she had no choice but to nod her head as much as she could with my hand still forcing her to keep eye-contact.

"The only thing that would ever get me to leave you, would be if that was what you desired. Even then, I probably wouldn't go far. Do you understand, Isabella? I'm not going to leave, not ever, but Edward is right, being near us is putting you in danger. But as long as you find that danger… acceptable, I suppose is the word… nothing could ever remove me from your side."

I was suddenly aware of how close our faces were, only a few inches of empty air between us. I was not willing to widen the distance, but I removed my hand from under her chin, anxiously placing it on her shoulder when I wasn't sure where else to do with it. She didn't say anything and the silence was deafening. I was afraid that I had scared her with the intensity of my gaze and the impassioned delivery of my speech, but she just stared, looking slightly bemused.

"Your eyes are red."

That was not the response I had anticipated, and it threw me off guard for a second.

"Oh, well. Yes." I ineloquently answered her statement, and if I could have blushed I would have.

"Is that because of…" she paused, hesitating to finish her question, "me?"

"Yes."

She slowly reached her uninjured hand up to my face and caressed the skin underneath one of my eyes.

"It's beautiful." She sounded slightly breathless and didn't seem aware that she had said anything at all until my eyebrows shut upwards in surprise and wonder.

"I mean… um." She blinked dazedly, cringing in embarrassment. She was about to remove her hand from my skin, but the thought of it sent a ripple of dread down my spine and I stopped the movement before she could withdraw it completely, holding it securely to my face.

"Please don't." I begged, and closed my eyes in content at the feel of her warm fingers on my icy skin.

"Carlisle, what's happening to me?" She sounded like she was on the verge of crying again, and my eyes flew open at the distress in her voice. Her eyes were filled to the brim with tears, and the sight of it caused my heart to contract painfully in my chest.

"Why do I feel like this? It's not right! Edward is the only one who is supposed to make me feel… He doesn't deserve this. God, I'm so horrible." She was crying earnestly now, and all I could do was take her in my arms, surrounding her with my body and willing the pain she was in to go away.

But I was the one who was causing her pain.

The thought made me freeze. I had done this to her by not leaving when I should have, at the very beginning. But it was too late now, much too late.

"I'm so sorry." If I could have, I would have cried. "So, so sorry."

I rocked her back and forth while she clutched me desperately.

"I should have left, oh God, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, Bella. I should never have stayed."

She abruptly let go of me, taking all the warmth with her, leaving my body and my soul colder than they had ever felt before.

"Why?"

Her voice sounded impossibly small, and she looked at me with an expression full of hurt.

I could only stare, no words leaving my mouth.

"Tell me, Carlisle!" She demanded, getting angry at my passive, silent state and shaking me out of my daze.

"Because I love you."

The words were barely audible, and I almost wasn't aware that I had uttered them.

The silence following my blunt confession was oppressive in its heaviness, choking me with hope and dread.

"How can you say that you love me when you have a wife? A… mate." Her words sounded pained, as if articulating the reasons that I couldn't possibly love her was hurting her physically.

I shook my head slowly in reply, not knowing how else to answer her question, words seeming deficient.

She inhaled sharply at the motion, her eyes widening in surprise.

"But, Esme?"

"Esme is not my mate, sweetheart."

"What? But, you are so perfect together, I thought she was."

"I thought so, too. But then I saw you," I paused for a few seconds, not sure if I should continue, but knowing that it was too late to stop now, "and I knew she wasn't."

She didn't say anything and the silence weighed heavily in the air between us.

"I should have left when I found out who you were to me. I should probably leave right now."

Her eyes filled with hurt once again.

"Why do you keep saying that? Do you not…" she bit her lip uncertainly, "want me?"

I took a deep breath, trying to control the impulse to show her just how much I wanted her, how much I craved her. The monster inside me, the part of me I kept safely locked away most of the time, the part of me that took what it wanted when it wanted, urged me to take her, to fuck her right here in the hospital, to pleasure her until she could think of nothing but me, me, me. To make her scream my name so everyone would know she was mine.

I looked at her with pitch black eyes and her breath became shallow in response, her heart beating harder and faster. She licked her lips unconsciously and I groaned loudly, slowly but surely losing control of myself.

"You've got to stop doing that." Even as I said it I was aware that I hoped that she never did. She swallowed loudly and removed her tongue from her lips, and I immediately wanted to retract my words, cursing my idiocy.

I breathed in deeply, nuzzling her neck with my nose, letting her delectable scent soothe my frayed emotions. Now was not the time to lose control.

Shuffling us around, being careful not to bump her injured leg, I arranged our bodies so she was sitting on top of me in the upright hospital bed, her back to my chest. My hands tightened around her instinctually, pressing her into me, and I felt her melt into my body.

She put her hands on top of mine as they grasped tightly onto her stomach, and lifting my left hand so we could both see it, she slowly fingered the wedding ring situated on my ring finger.

"She may not be your mate, but she's still your wife." Her tone sounded desolate, and I suddenly wished I had never met Esme, a horribly selfish and awful thought.

"Yes." I hadn't needed to say it, the evidence of my marriage to another woman all too clear, but I couldn't bear the heavy silence any longer.

A silence that continued.

"Is that why you didn't act on the… ?" She wasn't sure how to finish her question.

"The mating bond?"

She nodded her head slowly.

"Among other things." I answered carefully. "There were other reasons."

"Such as?"

"I didn't want Edward to lose something so wonderful because of my selfishness."

"You're allowed to be selfish sometimes, Carlisle. I don't think it is something you permit yourself to be very often."

"When it comes to you, I have been nothing but selfish." I disagreed. "Neither Edward nor Esme would have been able to stop me from pursuing you. For a few short moments in that hospital room in Forks, I was fully prepared to disregard the feelings of them both, to take what I wanted."

"Why didn't you?"

"I realised you were already in love with Edward." The words conjured up the memory of that first horrifying realisation that she loved someone else, and my dead heart jumped painfully in my chest. Sometimes the perfect memory of a vampire was more a curse than a blessing, the feelings of loss and heartbreak all too easy to remember.

Her heart skipped a beat, as if it had felt an echo of the pain in mine. She tightened her hands around my own, quieting the raging emotions in my mind.

"But I still couldn't get myself to leave you. Especially…" I tapered off, not really wanting to finish my sentence, and she turned her head and looked at me with curiosity when I didn't continue.

"I didn't like the way he treated you." I carefully avoided looking at her, not wanting to see her response, choosing instead to look straight ahead. Not even her sharp intake of breath made me look down again.

"What do you mean?" Her voice sounded incredulous, and her shoulders tensed against my chest.

I didn't know how to voice my concerns, how to make her understand just how wrongly he had acted when it came to her.

All those little things, like not letting her drive anywhere, instead picking her up in his own car or simply forcing her to sit in the passenger seat as he drove hers, not letting her go anywhere unless he was with her. And the bigger things; the way he decided when and how much she slept and ate, not caring what she wanted. And worst of all, in my mind, coming into her room at night when she hadn't given him consent to do so.

The way he slowly changed her from an independent and strong woman to someone meek and subservient, until he controlled almost every single aspect of her life.

And yet, I had never acted on the uneasiness I had felt, just watched and done nothing to reign him in, to make him understand that he was wrong.

The disappointment I felt in myself was almost overwhelming, and I couldn't help but wonder if I had done it on purpose. If I had let him do it because I, somewhere deep in my mind, had hoped that it would eventually drive her away from him.

I looked down at her again, catching her eye and wanting her to see just how serious I was.

"He was…is…controlling, Bella."

She stopped breathing for a few seconds, then let it all go in big woosh. Emotion swirled in her dark brown eyes; pain, heartache, and finally, acceptance.

"Yes."

A pensive silence followed her admission.

"It wasn't that bad in the beginning, but then…" She paused, and I used my thumb to smooth out the crease between her eyes. "I don't know, it wasn't like the change suddenly occurred overnight, which is probably why I didn't really notice it. Although…" She stopped talking again, looking at me uncertainly with an anxious look on her face.

"Although?" I prompted anxiously when she didn't continue.

She bit her lip warily, looking at me as if she was concerned about my reaction if she finished her train of thought, and I looked at her imploringly, begging her to tell me.

"I think he might have been dazzling me."

Hey! Just a quick heads-up: I've begun re-doing the first 19 chapters. While nothing drastically changes (as of writing this, at least), they are going to be longer, more detailed, and hopefully more believable (or as believable as a story about vampires can be) ;). Some parts will be deleted completely, others will be expanded, all in an effort to make the entire story more homogenous. I might even merge a few chapter if I feel it will be better that way, and will possibly add a few more scenes into the already existing storyline. You don't have to read it all again if you don't want to, but I just wanted to let you know. I'm not sure when I'll be done with them all, I've edited the first three, however, I'm going back to university today and I will most likely be a bit overworked here in the beginning of the new term.

Hope you're all well! J