A/N: This ficlet has been swimming around in my brain for a long time. It's very near and dear to my heart. I'd like to dedicate this story to all of those who are suffering with or are in recovery from Eating Disorders. Also to those who suffer with self-harm. I am in NO WAY promoting ED's or self-harm. If you are easily triggered you probably shouldn't read this story.

I've changed things around and picked and pulled from the show to make it suit my story :).

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of the characters in Glee.

Chapter One

Addicted: Devoted to or given up to a practice or habit or to something psychologically or physically habit forming.

And that's exactly what Rachel was...

"Do you think the next time you're thirsty, you could drink from this?" Shelby asks. She pulls a pristine, glass cup, decorated in gold stars out of the box and hands it to Rachel. "Gold stars are kind of my thing." She adds. She doesn't know why she said it, it doesn't make the moment any less heart wrenching.

Rachel takes the cup and bites the inside of her cheek to keep herself from bursting into tears. This entire moment is cutting her like a knife. She had thought when she found Shelby, that maybe she wouldn't have to be alone anymore. She just wanted to be loved. Her own Mother didn't want her and it confirmed every horrible thought and feeling she had ever had about herself. She was unlovable. She was worthless. She had an outer body experience as Shelby grants her request to sing with her and then the song is over. The way Shelby looks into her eyes as they sing the line "She's got to love nobody." makes her want to cry and have several binge & purge sessions. As she watches her Mother walk away, she can't take anymore. She takes off running. She runs right past Shelby as the tears begin to fall down her face and the sobs force their way out of her body. She runs into the nearest bathroom and locks the door behind her, rushing into the nearest stall. She needs to purge. She needs to do it to flush away what just happened. Just like she flushes away everything else in her life. As she kneels down in front of the toilet, she flashes back to the first time she had done it:

Rachel was in the sixth grade. She didn't know what had possessed her to try purging that day. She wasn't stupid. She knew the dangers of it but it was like some unknown force beckoned to her. And she had to do it! She knelt down by the toilet and jammed her fingers down her throat and well...she completely missed the toilet. And she was loud, really loud. What happened next should have scared her from ever doing it again but it didn't.

"Rachel? Were you making yourself throw up?" Miss Pillsbury asks.

"Of course not Miss Pillsbury!" Rachel lies. 'Put those acting skills to use Rachel!' She tells herself.

Emma observes the stall Rachel is still kneeling in, "Rachel...you missed the toilet..." She says. "Come with me."

Rachel wipes her mouth with a piece of toilet paper and follows Miss Pillsbury into her office and sits down across from her.

Emma slides a pamphlet towards Rachel "SO YOU LIKE MAKING YOURSELF THROW UP." Seriously...does the woman special order these? "Why were you making yourself throw up Rachel?"

"It's impossible for me to throw up Miss Pillsbury, I don't have a gag reflex!" Rachel said. She mentally pats herself on the back.

"Rachel, bulimia is a very serious-" Emma starts.

"I'm not bulimic!" Rachel cuts her off. She makes herself tear up a bit for this next part. "It's just...I thought maybe if I was thinner and prettier like Quinn Fabray then my life would be easier." She says softly. And while it IS completely true, it is not even the tip of the ice berg. But it has the desired dramatic effect.

"You're not fat and you are a very pretty girl, Rachel." Emma said, matter-of-factly.

Rachel nods and stands up. "If that will be all...See you around Miss Pillsbury." She went home after school that day and purged again and by the end of the week she had perfect aim into the toilet.

Rachel ends the memory with a flush of the toilet. She sniffles and makes her way to the sink. She takes a look at herself and hates everything she sees. And she knows that she doesn't deserve Shelby Corcoran as her Mother. She wasn't perfect enough. She wasn't good enough. The woman probably took one look at how fat, ugly and stupid she was and wanted to run for the hills! And she knows her Dads can't stand the sight of her. That's why they are hardly home and give her whatever she asks for so they don't have to be around her. Everyone hates her and she knows it. But no one hates Rachel Berry more than she hates herself. She rinses her mouth out and pops a mint. She doesn't do anything about her red, puffy eyes because no one is there and she's heading straight home anyway. She opens the door and nearly jumps out of her skin when she sees Shelby standing there.

"Can we talk?" Shelby asks. She had seen Rachel run past her and heard the sobs. And while she argued with herself to follow Will's advice, she followed her heart instead. Her daughter was hurting. And she was the cause of it. It killed her.

Rachel was shocked to see Shelby standing there. Didn't the woman just basically reject her about ten minutes before? "What are you still doing here?" Her brain sort of short circuted and that's all she could think to ask.

"I saw you run past me and I heard you crying. I had to make sure you were alright and obviously you're not." Shelby said. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe Rachel still needed her.

"Go to hell!" Rachel snapped. She took off down the hallway and out of the doors before Shelby could respond. She refused to let her Mother, no matter how much she wanted the woman, see how flawed she was. Besides she had more important things to worry about. She had to add up her calories for the day, she needed to swim and she needed to write in her journal. She had to stick to her routine. It was her law. She was a failure at so many other things in life, but the art of controlling her body was her biggest accomplishment.

What do you think?