Notes.

TRIGGER WARNING – MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE.

Magnus' rendition of "Catullus" is from "Catullus V". He also replaces the name "Lesbia" with "Alec".

Magnus quotes a slightly altered "Catullus LXXXV" without stating so.

The ending quote is the English translation from "Axe Phebus Aureo".

Dedicated to Nikki. Thank you for always being there for me - now take this depressing story as my thanks?

"Talk to me."

Alec's words were met with a very intelligent reply of "hm?" from Magnus, eyes cracking open sleepily. It wasn't unusual for Alec to make such a request if he couldn't sleep, but Magnus had thought that he had been asleep already.

"In Latin."

A tanned hand was raised to brush through unbelievably soft hair, massaging the scalp gently. Even though his mind was sleep-addled, Magnus immediately thought of what that meant. Alec had a tendency to want to fall asleep to Magnus' deep voice if he was upset. It was probably something linked to psychology, something Magnus didn't feel like pondering.

"What do you want me to say, darling?"

Voice thick with sleep, Magnus pulled himself up into a sitting position, leaning back against the headboard and pulling Alec up to rest on his chest.

"Catullus. The one that says something like "give me a thousand kisses, then a hundred"."

Magnus chuckled softly, kissing Alec's forehead affectionately. His other hand had moved up to rest on the small of the Shadowhunter's back.

"All in due time, dear. All right, let's see. Vivamus, mea Alec, atque amemus…"

~0~

He should have noticed. He should have fucking noticed, because wasn't that what he was supposed to do as a good boyfriend?

He'd promised to keep him happy. He'd promised to love him, to make sure that Alec knew just how wonderful he was. He thought Alec had been happy.

~0~

The apartment echoed with the sounds of Magnus' laughter, Alec's harried shouts almost getting drowned out.

"I am NOT wearing that!"

"No? But you wear leather all the time –"

"FOR FIGHTING!"

Chairman Meow watched the two bicker playfully from a seat atop the back of a chair, utterly unconcerned by the volume of his owners. Alec was glaring at the offending piece of clothing like he could set it on fire with just his gaze.

"You'd look good in iiiiiit~"

Magnus sing-songed his words, drawing out the syllable for so long that Alec grabbed the clothes and threw them at his face. The Warlock easily side-stepped the object, grabbing the Shadowhunter and using his body weight to pull Alec down on the bed. The Shadowhunter let out a manly yell of shock as he fell onto Magnus' chest.

"I hate you."

"Aku cinta kamu~"

"Why can't you just say 'I love you' like a normal person?"

Magnus grinned up at Alec, his lips pulling up slightly and giving him a delicious look that caused Alec to blush and turn his head the other way.

"Like a normal Indonesian?"

"IN ENGLISH!"

~0~

Maybe Alec hadn't been happy. Magnus thought he had, but the Warlock had been wrong his fair share of times. And even if he hadn't been happy, he never would have thought that Alec would leave in that manner. Had he been happy? Had Magnus fucked up somewhere along the way?

Other than trying to push him away multiple times and hurting him.

A groan of pain wrought by heartache is torn from the man's mouth, and he grips himself tighter and lays on his bed in an attempt to sleep.

~0~

It's amazing how one can hate something inanimate.

Even with the blinds drawn, the moonlight shines so brightly into Magnus' room that he's resorted to glaring at the window. He could attempt to darken the room, but Alec has one of his hands pinned and the other in his hand, and Magnus really doesn't feel like moving either one.

He can give up one night of sleep.

His mind wanders to various topics; his work, Alec, the fact that Chairman Meow is curled up near Alec and is currently glaring at him..

He decides to focus on his favorite thing, and he gazes down at the Shadowhunter asleep on him. He hasn't woken up once yet due to nightmares, and he seems to be sleeping peacefully for the time being.

There's an odd surge in Magnus, an intense feeling that makes him want to hold and protect Alec and to destroy anyone who dares to hurt him.

Warlocks are territorial. They outlive everything they want, and they fiercely want to keep what they have. And he both wants and has Alec.

His eyes are drawn to the pale scars left by runes that litter Alec's body. While he's sleeping Magnus can openly study them without fear of unnerving the boy. He can trace them over every inch of skin, down his back and up his arm, to the light scars on his wrist that he knows were caused by no stele.

Magnus isn't sure what to think about those. He struggles to find the perfect balance between comforting and indifference, and to filter out the anger he feels at those who drove Alec to it.

God knows he had enough reasons to.

~0~

There were signs, now that he looked back at it all. Smalls things that were different – how Alec would gaze at something a bit too long, how he'd pause before speaking, how he'd hold Magnus' hand every chance he got.

Magnus hadn't thought anything about it. He'd just been delighted at what he had thought was newfound courage.

How fucking stupid he'd been.

~0~

"Magnus, do you cry?"

"Do I cry? Do you mean if I'm capable of crying? Or if I let myself cry?"

"Second one."

Magnus stops what he's doing – he's just been pouring over a book all day, so he's glad for a break – to gaze curiously at Alec. The Shadowhunter is lounging in one of his chairs, a book written entirely in Latin balanced on his knees. He recognizes it – Alec must have swiped it from one of his shelves without him knowing.

"Why do you ask?"

Alec shrugs in dismissal, looking back down at the pages of the old book. It's cold outside, and Alec has one of Magnus' less ostentatious sweaters on, with Chairman Meow curled up in his lap. Magnus wonders if he's told him yet how good Alec looks in his clothes.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

Magnus hums softly in acknowledgement, going back to his own book. His mind is anywhere but the contents of it though, and his fingers drum against the edge of the table for some time before he clears his throat.

"I don't particularly enjoy the experience, but yes, I have. Certain things make it impossible not to, such as –"

"Someone ruining your clothes."

Alec's interruption is dead-panned, and he doesn't look up from the cat he's currently loving on.

"You wound me. You impugn my honor."

"What kind of word is impugn?"

Magnus laughs, leaning to lazily rest his head on his hand. Alec stares back at him with the hint of a smirk playing on his lips.

"You wound me again. I'm going to need a kiss to heal it."

"You're a Warlock, you can heal yourself."

Magnus chuckles again, watching as Alec stood and pushed a now indignant Chairman Meow off of his lap.

"You know, you're allowed to cry, though. Especially if something happens."

Alec is suddenly serious, and Magnus' eyes narrow slightly as he tries to figure out the meaning behind that, or explain the sudden out of character words.

He quickly stops trying to think of anything when Alec leans down to kiss him, whispering a quiet but audible 'I love you'.

~0~

He wakes with a gasp, throwing his arm out frantically. It touches nothing, and he ends up grasping the sheets next to him almost painfully tightly. He flips himself over, shoving his face into the pillow. He wants to catch any small scent of Alec, of his shampoo, of the cologne he rarely wore.

It smells like nothing, and Magnus lets out a cry of frustration.

None of this is fair. He should have had many more years with Alec, so many more. He should have grown old – older? – with Alec. This wasn't fair. He knew life wasn't, but he couldn't help hating it just a bit more.

'I hate and I love. How can I do that..? I don't know, but that's what I feel and this is complete torture.'

The loss of Alec is like a physical pain. Isabelle had called the passing of her brother comparable to a 'sword wound' but Magnus knew how wrong she was. This wasn't like a cut from a sword – this pulled and tugged and destroyed. It didn't slice cleanly through.

There's still a dull anger at the Shadowhunters beneath it all – they drove him to it, and then they refused to burn him like he fucking deserved. He deserved a true warrior's send-off.

Magnus tastes blood, and he realizes he's been biting his lip the entire time to keep quiet. He should have paid more attention, should have helped, should have done something, but he didn't and now Alec was gone.

Magnus doesn't want to cry, doesn't want to take that final emotional step in loss.

His arms are wrapped around himself, painfully tight, and yet it doesn't stave off any of the hurt he can feel eating away at him inside.

A choked sound leaves his mouth, and his fingers grip his arms tighter.

He doesn't want to cry. He doesn't want to cry. He won't cry.

The tears drip down his face and litter his pillow, and the sharp tang of blood is once again on his tongue, but he refuses to make a sound.

It hurts his throat, and his arms are going numb from how tight he's gripping them, but he doesn't care. He gasps for breath and buries his face farther into his soaked pillow, small sobs leaving his mouth.

It hurts, and he can't help but feel like this is something he could have prevented.

~0~

Hence my tears are abundant
Hence my tears are flowing.
My face is pale
Because of love's disappointment.