Author's Note: All of the characters belong to JE. No one belongs to me. If Ranger did, I'd never leave the house again.

This is what I think should happen if Steph gets a dose of the Vordoo and Morelli is not in the picture. The major players are all out of character or this would never get to happen. Be patient with both Steph and Ranger, there's a grand design afoot.

Vordoo Redesigned

CHAPTER ONE

There is not a single mundane act, carried out successfully by millions of Americans each day that cannot go wrong in my life. Whatever the cosmic reasoning, I am a magnet for disaster and I always have been. Sure, starting work as a bounty hunter certainly ramped up the scale of the disaster but it had always been there in my life: calamity. You need to make a quick run to the grocery store? Sure, but how about we add in a run-in with your arch nemesis that results in flying provolone and pastrami, the universe would counter. Want to do something nice and drop your grandma off for a viewing? How about we spice things up with a stand-off with your ex-boyfriend's crazy Grandma Bella. Sometimes life just isn't fair.

So there I was, wracking my brains for a way to escape this conflict without a) looking like a loser, b) being accused of inhumane treatment of a senior citizen, or c) having to explain the whole thing to my mother. Bella was on a role, throwing around words like 'puttana' and 'mignotta' and shaking her arms around in the air. Grandma Mazur was giving it right back to her in Hungarian and I was wondering if I could sink through the gaps in the sidewalk. Typically, we'd drawn a crowd.

"You are no good Stephanie Plum." Bella shouted in her broad Sicilian accent. She put her index finder to her right eye. "In nome di San Nicolas, ho messo l'occhio su di voi! Lasciate che la vostra malvagità vi divora." (In the name of Saint Nicholas, I put the eye on you! Let your wickedness devour you.)

Oh shit! A collective gasp was drawn from the crowd and suddenly everyone was looking anywhere but at me. That was because we all knew that I was well and truly fucked. The eye. Vordoo. We might all be rational folk but we also knew there were some things in this world that just can't be explained by Science. Bella was one of them.

With that bombshell dropped, Bella swept up the stairs of Stiva's without a backward glance. Grandma Mazur turned to me, looking a little antsy. "Listen grandbaby, I think maybe we wanna get out of here before a satellite falls on you or something." She shooed me in the direction of the car, all the while glancing up at the sky to check the progress of that satellite and then wrestled the keys out of my hands. "It'd be safer if I drove."

Any other day, I'd successfully argue that my Grandma Mazur behind the wheel of a car was anything but safe. Today, I was starting to feel a little unhinged so I went with it. My mind was on overdrive, trying to figure out what I was going to do. When I was in eleventh grade, Mrs Slowsky gave Joe detention for putting his hand up Terry Gilman's skirt in homeroom. Grandma Bella hadn't liked that so she showed up at the school that afternoon and put the eye on Mrs Slowsky. Mrs Slowsky went bald after that and eventually moved away to Maine. Everyone knew Bella was responsible.

"Just drop me off at my place." I mumbled, sinking down in my seat. "I'm feeling kinda queasy."

"Don't you worry Steph, we'll figure something out." She promised, taking her eyes off the road to pat my hand. Almost instantly, the right side wheels hit the curb, jumping the sidewalk and ploughing us into a parking meter. We were both thrown forward against our seat belts but we hadn't been moving at speed so the damage was sustained by the front bumper and not the car's passengers. "What a pip!" Grandma hollered, jumping out to inspect the damage. I followed, taking a long look at the four inch dent in the front bumper. I shrugged. It was just one more in a selection that the old junker already boasted. Ladies and gentlemen, my life.

"Maybe I should drive Grandma."

"You go ahead dear; I'll call Frank to pick me up. I need to go into the deli anyway." She turned and scampered away. Great, not even my own grandmother wanted to be caught standing next to me.

I got back behind the wheel and backed away from the meter. It was still in pretty good shape so I manoeuvred into the flow of traffic and headed for home. My fingers were clenched tightly around the wheel and my eyes were pinballing around in my head, trying to take in everything at once. I arrived safely, soaked in sweat and with the beginnings of a headache. That was me done for the day. I planned to hide at home with Rex and hope to sit out the storm.

As I swung through the door to my apartment, I caught my toe on the carpet runner and lost my footing. I went down on one knee, my purse skittering away from me and spewing its contents all over the floor. "Just great." I growled, crawling around on all fours to pick up the flotsam and jetsam that I lugged around daily. Probably I didn't need three tubes of mascara, for instance, upon my person at all times.

I was so busy crawling around that I didn't see the table leg until I beaned myself on it. Perfect. I scouted back and sat against the wall, my legs sprayed out in front of me. .Maybe if I stayed just here nothing else could happen to me. Apart from that satellite obviously but I was hard pressed to find a solution to that one.

"You've had a busy day so far." Ranger said and I jumped and screamed, thunking my head back into the wall. "Are you going for a record?"

"I don't want to talk about it." I grumbled, rubbing the back of my head. Ranger held out a hand to help me up but I shook my head. My luck, I'd damage the man of mystery and Trenton would never forgive me. Ranger cocked an eyebrow. "I'm staying down here where it's safe."

Ranger's lips twitched and he gave a small shrug before sliding down the wall and settling beside me. His scent instantly filled my nose and his heat scolded my skin where our arms pressed against each other. I licked my lips and I could feel my heartrate crank up a gear. He was so close. He smelt so good. Maybe I could just have a little taste…

"Earth to Babe." He was waving a hand in front of my face and I was staring at his crotch like I was about to attack him. "See something you like?" He leered. I could feel the blood flood my face. I covered it with my hands and took deep breaths but I could still smell him.

"It's not my fault." I mumbled between my palms. "It's Bella Morelli's." I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the wall, trying to reign myself in.

"Does this have something to do with the scene outside of Stiva's today?" Of course he knew that I'd lost a fight with a septuagenarian. How depressing.

"She put the eye on me. Worse than the eye. She went big…Vordoo." I whispered, too afraid to say it any louder.

Ranger didn't look like he got it. "What the hell is Vordoo?"

"It's like the eye on steroids. It's like you get zapped with a super-charge of one of the seven deadlies!" I was getting panicky just thinking about it.

"The seven deadly sins?" Ranger clarified. When I nodded, his lips spread into a grin. "Babe, there's no such thing as the eye. Or Vordoo."

"Tell that to Mrs Slowsky!"

"It's a bunch of superstitious bullshit." Before he could finish, I had my hands over his mouth, trying to shove the words back inside.

"Shh! He'll hear you!"

Ranger peeled my hands away from his face and looked around the otherwise empty apartment. When his gaze returned to me, it was incredulous. "Who'll hear me?"

"St Nicholas!" I shrieked, as if this was the most obvious answer in the world. "He punishes people by infecting them with which ever sin they're most predisposed to." I was rambling, I could tell, I just couldn't stop it. "Oh my god! Greed! I'm greedy! I'm going to get fat!" I was close to hyperventilating now and the water works were gearing up. I didn't want to turn into Valerie! Visions of gravy boats danced before my eyes and I think I whimpered.

For a split second, Ranger looked completely stumped and then he pulled me into his lap. He wrapped his arms around me and murmured to me in Spanish. He was probably telling me I was seven shades of crazy but it sounded soothing and it was working.

I inhaled his smell to calm my nerves and suddenly, I was very aware of how we were pressed against each other, groin to chest. Before I knew it, I'd let out a little moan and rocked forward. Ranger went perfectly still. I did it again.

"What are you doing?" He murmured, even as he pushed the palm of his hand into my lower back to bring me closer. I groaned and ground my hips in a circle.

"I don't know. I think it's the panic." My voice sounded breathy and wanton and I dipped my head down to take his mouth in a rough kiss. His fingers gripped my hips as he trust upwards, his tongue warring with my own.

"I don't think greed's your problem, Babe." He rumbled against my lips, nipping at the lower one then blazing a trail of hot, wet kisses down my neck.

"No?" I asked, rolling my hips forward and running my hands up under his shirt, grazing his nipples.

"I think your problem is lust." Oh shit!