Arcadia

"You're touching your stomach again," Castle says, a hint of teasing in his voice, and Kate splays her fingers wide over the flat stretch of her abdomen. Her partner comes around the back of the couch and sinks to sit beside her, an apron knotted at his waist. He's wearing a red t-shirt with a dorky image of cartoon Rudolph on the front, his skin warm and his cheeks flushed with the heat of the stove.

A shiver rattles through her and Castle wraps an arm around her shoulders, tucking the thick leopard throw in tighter at her waist. She pilfered a huge, chunky sweater of his from the closet this morning, stole a pair of thick woollen socks. Her toes curl inside them, the joints popping, and she drums her heels agains the floor.

Castle lit the gas fire for her, even though he's cooking and the whole loft is sweltering anyway, the heat turned up high. It doesn't seem to be making much of a difference; she's still cold, has been since she woke up in the hospital, and the doctors have assured her that it's normal. That her body is still trying to regulate itself, and as long as she makes sure to keep eating plenty and get enough rest, it'll pass in a few days.

"I kind of miss the bump," she admits, resting her heavy head at Castle's shoulder once he's done wriggling to get comfortable beside her. "I had gotten used to it. Gotten attached."

"Me too," he says, truth for truth, and a little grin tugs at one corner of his mouth. "I'd really started to love seeing you in it. You suit being pregnant. Even fake, you had a glow."

That makes her roll her eyes and she knocks her temple against the ball of his shoulder, sneaking a hand out from underneath the blanket to pat his thigh. "Someday. Way, way in the future."

"Sure," he says, but he's laughing at her. An eyebrow arches up towards his hairline and his lips thin out into a smirk. "I heard how you talked about it. The visions you had about our son. I bet you twenty bucks you'll be pregnant by next Christmas."

"Gotta marry me first," she hums, drawing her legs up onto the couch and tucking the blanket underneath her feet. She's been indulging in laziness this week, spending long days on Castle's couch with him. They've made sure to get out into the city every day, walking hand in hand just a few blocks at a time. He's been able to show her the festive side to New York that she usually tries to ignore, and every day her strength has grown a little bit more.

Mostly, though, they've been watching movies together or just dozing, her head resting on top of a pillow in his lap and his fingers sifting through her hair. His daughter had school until Wednesday, and then for the latter half of the week Alexis had flitted in and out of the loft, busy enjoying the festive season with her friends.

A few days ago though, Castle went grocery shopping for their Christmas Eve dinner, and Alexis had come to sit beside Kate on the couch, a blanket of her own around her shoulders that made her look like a little girl. She had asked for Beckett's help looking at colleges, since her father kept hinting that he wanted her to stay in the city. The two of them have clashed over it, and Alexis had wanted an objective opinion.

She and Kate had poured over all of the different brochures, making a list of pros and cons for each school, and the more they talked the more Kate was reassured that the girl doesn't hate her. Alexis had even asked Beckett about what college was like, for her advice, and right before she scurried off to compare notes with her best friend, she had even wrapped her arms around Kate in a hug.

It was a little awkward, Kate so surprised by it that she had no idea where to put her hands, but the girl had scampered up the stairs in a flash of red hair, calling out her thanks.

It had been wonderful to feel useful, even ensconced on the couch as she was. And, too, it made her feel a little bit less like she was invading the girl's home. The way Castle had framed it - Kate is staying because she almost died and I want to take care of her - didn't give Alexis much room to grumble about it, and the thought of the girl secretly hating her makes Kate's stomach turn.

"Don't," her partner growls against her ear, stealing the edge of the blanket from her so that he can tuck his own legs underneath it. "I would ask you right now. Get you a ring as your present, if I thought you'd say yes."

They're not ready, she knows that, but all the same a delicious thrill comes to life in her belly. If he were to ask her, she's not entirely sure that she'd say no. Something about pretending, for just a week, has her convinced that they're going to make it.

That they're ready to get married and have their son, as absurd an idea as that is.

"You're right," she says, to convince both her partner and herself. "We're not there yet."

"Do you wanna nap before dinner?" he asks, his lips skimming the crown of her head as he talks. She's been so exhausted since they got back to the city that they've only managed long, horizontal make out sessions, and Kate is ashamed to admit that a couple of times she's fallen asleep right in the middle of it.

He's been so good, patient and kind and willing to snuggle with her whenever she asks, even though he's trying to spend time with his daughter and get his last minute Christmas shopping done. Not once has he pushed her, but she knows he must be aching around the liquid need in his guts, if only because she is too.

"No. I'm doing okay today," she smiles, wriggling away from him to lean against the arm of the couch instead. Kate drapes her legs over Castle's lap and he drums his fingertips against her kneecaps. He's been giddy all day, singing loudly as he prepared their dinner and cajoling her to join in.

Martha and Alexis are both out, but they've promised to be home in time for Christmas Eve dinner and her partner is practically humming with pleasure at having all three of them close by.

"I feel bad about your dad," Castle says, working his fingers into the hinge of her knee. Kate had called her father from the car on the drive back to the city, accepted his yelling in silence. When he had finished, muttering that he was glad she was alright, Kate had confessed to him that she and Castle are together now, and invited him to spend Christmas with her and Rick and his family.

"Well, he'd already arranged to spend the holidays at the cabin. And he said that it's too much for him," Kate says gently, nudging her toes underneath Castle's thigh to keep them warm. "It might be a little too much for me."

Sifting his fingers through his hair, Castle turns his face away and tension ticks at the edge of his jaw. "I know you'd rather be at the precinct."

"No," Kate says, struggling upright to wrap both her arms around her partner's neck. She tugs on his ear to get him to turn his head, her mouth already open and wanting when he comes back to face her, and her tongue slicks easily past the seam of his lips and into the warmth of him. "No. I don't want to be at the precinct. This is perfect, Castle. This part, right here with you, is perfect. Because you don't hate me for spending all my time on the couch."

"My mother and Alexis don't hate you," he says immediately, punctuating his sentence with a firm kiss against her mouth. "They understand. You're recovering."

Pressing a hand to her eyes, Kate huffs a breath and sets the little baby hairs around her temples fluttering. "Yeah. In their house. Monopolising you. Taking up the couch. Dragging down the mood."

"Hey," he grumps at her, his lips feathering little kisses against the skin of her neck and making her squirm. "They love you, because I love you. And they're glad you're here, Kate. I want you to be part of my family."

"I know you do," she soothes, sliding her fingers inside his t-shirt. It makes him yelp, because her circulation hasn't been so great since she was poisoned and her fingers are freezing cold now. Castle's hand comes to cover hers, over the shirt to trap the fabric between them and stop her fingers from wiggling and spreading their chill over the soft underbelly of him. "I think I want that too, Castle. This is the first Christmas since my mom died that I haven't been counting down the minutes until it's over."

That has an awed smile spreading at the corner of his mouth and he comes in to kiss her again, his free hand curving around the back of her neck. "I'm proud of you, Beckett. I know it's not easy for you to be here."

"Actually, it is," Kate shrugs, a smile curving at her mouth that shows all of her teeth. "I did some thinking, in the car on the way back to the city. Keeping watch was important to me, but I know that my mom always wanted for me to be happy. So being here with you feels like honouring her in a different way."

"I wish I could have met her," he says, his eyes scanning her face as if to make sure that he hasn't taken a step out of line.

It's good though, bubbles of warmth slowly bursting in her chest at the thought of Rick and her mother, how the two of them would play off of one another. "She'd love you, Castle. I wish you could have met her, too. Although you'd both tease me endlessly."

"Yeah?" Castle grins, little lines of mirth fissuring their way out from the corners of his eyes. "Your mom teased you a lot?"

"Uh-huh," she laughs, pressing her palms against her cheeks as memories lap against the shores of her mind. It makes her squirm a little and she shifts on the couch, tucking herself in behind Castle's body and wrapping both arms around his bicep, the weight of his muscle comforting against her sternum. "She was always making fun of me for thinking so highly of myself. Always trying to cajole me into having some fun and putting down the Russian lit."

Kate presses a hand over her eyes, suddenly unable to breathe around the thickness of loss in her throat. How her mother would laugh to see her now, the way that Castle no longer has to try and get her to have fun. She wants to, wants to play laser tag and see dorky movies and bounce on their bed, and Johanna would think it so hilarious.

She drops her hand at the touch of her partner's fingers to the inside of her wrist, and Castle tucks the wispy strands of hair back behind her ear when her eye twitches, the backs of his fingers drifting over her cheekbone. "We don't have to talk about it if it hurts to remember."

"No," Kate shakes her head, kissing his palm, and Castle draws his hand back from her and pats it all over his own face, as if to spread her kisses over his cheeks. It makes her laugh, and Kate covers her mouth with a hand and turns her face away, elbow propped on the back of the couch and her joy so vibrant that she can't look at him. "It doesn't hurt. It's nice, actually. Dad doesn't like to talk about her that much, so I never really get to share those memories."

"Well, any time you want to, I want to hear them," he says, drawing his legs up onto the couch to curl himself around her. It presses her back into the corner of the couch and she giggles, pushing on his cheek like a child to earn herself some room.

It's so good to have energy making its tentative way through her system again and Kate wraps her arms around her partner's neck, stretching her legs out to let him nudge his way between her thighs. The weight of his body makes her gasp, but then he's kissing the breathlessness right off her open mouth and his wide hand splays at the curve of her waist.

"Mm," he groans against her throat, the very tip of his tongue flicking out to touch the thump of her pulse. "Shouldn't do this here. Don't know when Alexis will be home."

"Right," she gasps, tugging on his hair, and he lifts himself off her and moves further down the couch, a foot of space between their bodies. "I miss having that whole enormous house to ourselves."

Castle groans and scrubs his hands over his face, dropping his head against the back of the couch. "God, I hope my mother and Alexis are out for New Years. I want to welcome it with a bang."

That makes her snort and she moves down the couch just to knock her forehead against his jaw, careful not to drape herself over him too much. When she tugs back he's leering at her, but it dissolves into laughter and he kisses the corner of her mouth, his nose nudging hard into her cheekbone.

"Are you not throwing a party this year?" she hums, remembering the invite last year. She had had to decline, already promised to see in the New Year with her boyfriend, but then Josh had been called to the hospital to assist with an emergency surgery.

Kate had watched the ball drop on TV, eating Chinese takeout and falling asleep on her couch barely ten minutes in to the New Year. Several times she had flicked her thumb against her cell phone's home button, wanting to call her partner and wish him a happy 2011, but then she had imagined him ignoring her call because the party was loud and fun and everything she isn't.

"No," Castle shrugs, clasping his hands and trapping them between his knees. "Not this year. Alexis has a party and my mother is doing. . .something. I was planning on spending it at the precinct. With you."

"I don't take the New Year shift," she laughs, folding her legs underneath herself and putting some space between them again. "I'm never allowed, because I always work Christmas. So you would have what? Shown up at my apartment?"

He shrugs, reaching across the space between them to skim his fingers over her collar bone. His sweater is huge on her, hanging down over one shoulder, and it lets her clavicle peek out from the neckline. "I guess. I just wanted to be with you. Wherever."

"Would you have kissed me?" she murmurs, tilting her head, and her partner growls.

Crawling back along the couch to her, Castle chases her mouth and his lips smudge against hers. His kiss is a little clumsy, happiness making him topple onto her, and Kate has to break away from his mouth to laugh, her face buried in the curve of his neck.

"If you'd let me," he says, his arms coming tight around her waist, and he rolls onto his back and draws her on top of him until she's sprawled over his chest, her head tucked neatly underneath his chin. "I would have. Always want to kiss you."

The timer on his phone rings out from his pocket and he groans, depositing her onto the couch cushions so he can pull it free. "I have to start on the vegetables."

"I thought you like cooking Christmas dinner?" she hums, arching her back, and Castle sighs into the shell of her ear. His teeth graze against the column of her neck and she pushes on his thigh, not wanting their dinner to be ruined because they were too busy making out.

"I do. But I like you more."

Kate sighs at him, struggling out from under his arm at her waist to get off the couch. She waits for the lightheadedness, waits for her stomach to protest at being upright, but it never comes. Relief makes her grin and she holds out her hands to Castle, taking both of his and tugging him to his feet with her.

"How about a compromise? I'll help you cook."

His eyes rake over her, but by now he knows better than to ask if she's sure, if she's up to it. Kate tangles their fingers for the walk over to the kitchen, glancing at her partner from the corner of her eye as he matches her pace, careful not to drag her along.

"You wanna chop some carrots?" he asks, already reaching inside the refrigerator to collect the vegetables for dinner, and Kate takes the bag from him and hunts for a knife and a board to cut them on. She still remembers where everything is in his kitchen, had learned the layout when she stayed here after her apartment exploded, and she loves the little happy grin he gives her when she doesn't have to ask.

They work in easy harmony, Castle distracting himself every so often to come in close and kiss her, and by the time Alexis and Martha make it home everything is cooking and they're sitting at the kitchen island together, arguing about which movie to watch before bed tonight.

"Oh, Kate, darling, how wonderful to see you up and about," Martha enthuses, dropping her purse over the back of the couch to come and kiss Kate's cheek. There's no malice in it, no insinuation that Kate has been allowing herself to become sloth-like. Only Martha's easy happiness to see her getting better.

"Hey pumpkin," Castle says when his daughter comes to sit on the stool at his other side. "Did you have a good time with your friends?"

Alexis smiles, tugging the beanie hat off her head and dumping it on the counter top. She sweeps the fire-spill of her hair over one shoulder and begins winding it into a braid, her pale cheeks wind raw as she chats to her father about her day.

Picking at a nonexistent thread at the knee of her jeans, Kate tries to pretend as if she's not listening in to their conversation, but her smile curves wide and she has to duck her head to hide it. A hand comes to her shoulder and she jolts, whipping around to see her partner's mother giving her a knowing look.

"Kate dear, can I talk to you?"

"Of course," she says, sliding down from her stool. Castle is engrossed in his conversation with his daughter, but the shift of Kate's body next to him draws him out of it just enough for him to squeeze her hand.

Martha ushers her towards Castle's office and she goes, sinking down into one of the armchairs and curling her legs up. Her partner's mother sinks gracefully into the other chair, one leg crossed over the other, and her interlinked fingers resting at her knee.

"Darling, it's so good to see you looking better," Martha starts, her smile wide and honest. "I just wanted to apologise."

"For what?" Kate asks, sagging back against the armchair. She's the one who ought to be apologising, taking over Martha's home as she has been, and she brings a knee up and wraps both arms around it.

Martha waves a hand in the air, the stack of bracelets at her wrist jingling, and she twists her face in guilt. "Well dear, Richard didn't tell us that you would be joining us for Christmas. And of course you know, I'm delighted to see that the two of you are together now, but my son never so much as hinted that it was going to happen."

"I'm not sure that we knew either," Kate says quietly, staring at her own toes where they curl over the edge of the seat. Cheek squished against her knee, she bites at her bottom lip as if that can stop the determined bloom of her grin. "It was just that being undercover like that, spending all that time together, made it. . .impossible to ignore our feelings."

"Yes, darling," Martha says. "But my point is that I didn't have time to get you a gift."

Her jaw drops, and Kate sits up straight in her chair and reaches for Martha's hand, enfolding it in both of hers. "Martha, you don't need to get me a gift."

"I would have if I'd known," Martha says firmly, squeezing Kate's hand before she draws hers back. "We're big on gifts in this family. Alexis and I had to talk Richard out of buying you more than one present, so that he didn't overwhelm you. Before we knew you guys were together, of course."

"I don't have anything for you either," Kate admits, folding her arms across her chest. "I don't even have anything for Rick. I don't really. . .do Christmas."

That makes Martha's jaw drop, an actual gasp escaping her. "You don't do Christmas? You mean you don't receive gifts, or do Christmas dinner, or go carolling? Ever?"

"No," Kate shakes her head, her eyes already burning with the flood of grief. It's different with Castle, and she has never minded sharing stories about her mother with him, but with anybody else she finds it difficult to cling to the sweetness, a bitter coating to her tongue. "Since my mom died, it's been too painful."

"Oh, honey, I didn't mean to upset you."

Kate shakes her head, her eyes squeezed tightly closed for just a moment, and then she manages a smile for her partner's mother. "It's alright. And actually, Castle has made me see that it's okay to enjoy Christmas even without her. That it's a good way to honour her."

"I'm so glad," Martha says, standing up from her chair and holding out a hand to Kate. She takes it, allowing Martha to help her to her feet and hook an arm through hers, the two of them squeezing through the doorframe and back into the living room.

Castle frowns when he catches sight of them; her face must still be twisted in grief. He comes around the counter and Alexis glances up from setting the table, a wrinkle of confusion travelling across the girl's face.

"Mother," Castle says firmly, and Martha untangles herself from Kate and heads to help her granddaughter. Her partner's hands come to her face and his forehead meets hers, his breath washing over her cheek. "Are you okay? What did she say to you?"

"She apologised for not getting me a gift," Kate says, sliding her arms low around his waist. He lets go just a little, hands coming to her shoulders instead, and his fingers wriggle at her spine. "And then she asked why I don't usually celebrate Christmas."

Castle draws her in against his chest, his lips against the crown of her head, and he rocks her. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," she laughs, breaking away from him. Kate straightens his shirt where the weight of her body has made it all creased up, and she leaves her palms resting against his chest. "Really. Your mom isn't the first person to ask me about my mom. I don't mind."

"If you're sure," he says, one hand coming up to the back of her neck. He leans in for a kiss, his tongue working at the seam of her lips, but she's mindful of his mother and daughter watching them from the dining table and she keeps their kiss soft and tender.

When they break apart he keeps close, his nose nudging against hers, and she can only see the very edges of his smile. "This is my best Christmas ever."

"Me too," she whispers, stealing another kiss from his mouth before she takes a step away. Kate has to shake herself a little bit to clear the fog of amniotic togetherness, but then she manages a smile and turns to face his mother and daughter. "Can I do anything to help?"

"I think we're about done, darling," Martha says, surveying the table and its four place settings. Castle's mother comes around the kitchen island and peers through the door of the oven, humming her excitement at the sight of the ham. "It looks fantastic, kiddo."

"Thank you Mother," Castle chuckles, winding an arm around Kate's waist to draw her in close. He kisses her temple, and Kate catches the wrinkle of Alexis' nose and untangles herself from her partner, heading for his daughter instead.

Hooking her arm through Alexis', Kate dips her head towards the girl. "Is it okay with you that I'm here? I don't want to intrude on your Christmas with your family. I remember how important all of those 'lasts' were before I left for college."

"Oh no, Detective Beckett, I'm glad you're here," Alexis says, and relief swamps Kate when she sees that there's no false edge to the girl's smile. "It's so good to see my dad happy. And to see that you're not stringing him along anymore."

She winces at that, gritting her teeth, and she's so glad to see that her partner is deep in conversation with his mother and, hopefully, not overhearing as Kate and Alexis talk.

"I didn't mean to string him along, Alexis. I know it looked that way to you, I know that you saw him hurting all summer. But I needed to heal, so that I could be strong enough to do this with him."

"But you love him, right?" Alexis says, untangling her arm from Kate's so that she can face her instead. Kate can only meet the girl's eyes for a second, so clear and blue like her father's.

She glances over at her partner, leaning against the refrigerator and listening intently to one of his mother's stories, and she remembers all over again their night at the Christmas party. His body pressed close against hers as they danced, the way his voice got low and gruff and rumbly when he talked about their son. The way he kissed her, as if he was so awed and grateful to have her there with him.

How even the awkwardness of the fake bump didn't make things uncomfortable between them, that their first night was fun and easy and god, so amazing.

"Oh," Castle's daughter breathes, her long legs and wide eyes making her look like a startled deer when Kate finally turns back to face her. "Wow. You really do love him."

"I do," Kate says firmly, offering Alexis a single nod. "Alexis, I'm not sure what your father told you about our time undercover, but I had to pretend to be married to him and expecting our baby. And it made me realise how much I want that."

Alexis' jaw drops and she clutches at the counter behind herself, staring at Kate. Her throat works a couple of times and then she squeaks out a little noise. "You want to marry my dad? And have kids? Does he know?"

"He knows," Kate says, and then Castle's fingers come to her waist and he draws her back against the wall of his chest.

"I know, Alexis," he says, his hand splaying at Kate's stomach. "Beckett and I have talked a lot about things, and this between us. . .it's real. It's for the long haul. I got to see what my life could be like in a few years time, and I want that. We both do. So that's what we're working towards."

For a moment, Alexis is totally silent, and even Martha is frozen in place just waiting to see how the girl will react. And then a bubbling noise of joy escapes her and she wraps her arms around Kate and Castle both, her head between theirs and propped on her father's shoulder.

"I'm so happy for you Dad. I'm so glad you guys are really doing this."

"Thank you pumpkin," Castle says, his free hand between his daughter's shoulder blades, and then Martha's arms come around them as well and the four of them dissolve into laughter, rocking together in the middle of the kitchen.

The hug breaks apart and Castle clears his throat, thumps himself in the chest. "I can't believe you almost made me cry, daughter. It's Christmas."

"Sorry Dad," she laughs, sweeping her braid back over her shoulder again. Alexis looks a little watery herself, and Kate has to hide her face against the back of her partner's shoulder so nobody will see that her whole face trembles with relief.

"Alexis honey," Martha says, curling a hand around the girl's shoulder. "Could you help me with the vegetables, please?"

The two of them move towards the stove and Kate hooks two fingers in the pocket of her partner's jeans and tugs, bringing him with her over to the couch. Propping herself against the back of it, she snakes an arm around his waist until he's pressed up close against her.

"Castle," she hums, kissing the jut of his chin. "Thank you. I was so worried that going undercover was going to be too hard. That the tension between us would be too much to deal with. But you made it easy."

"It was easy," he says, a hand coming up to her cheek, and his thumb sweeps under her eye. "Kate, being married to you, even fake? It was the happiest I've ever been."

Winding an arm around his neck, Kate draws him down to her and kisses him, letting his tongue slick inside. His body shields them from Alexis and Martha, and Kate sifts her fingers through the hairs at his nape. One palm splays at her stomach, and he breaks away from her mouth because he's grinning so wide that their teeth knock together.

"Next Christmas, Kate. Next Christmas you'll be expecting our son for real."

fin.

A/N: Thank you Allie for betaing, listening to me complain all day long, being a sounding board for my 2am WHAT IF MAGGIE POISONS HER? nonsense, and making the most beautiful cover art. Thank you Carlee, for being so patient with me, and so sweet and supportive. Thank you, my squad, you are the best and you kept me mostly sane.

Thank you, everybody who has reviewed, tweeted, blogged, or otherwise shown me so much love and support. I am so incredibly grateful to every one of you.