I was wondering, I'm replying to reviews via private messaging instead of in the document, but most of you don't answer. If there is some problem with that method, let me know :)

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May 14th, Thursday

Allen was trying very hard not to let yesterday get to him. It was a bit hard to interpret Kanda's behavior. On one hand, he felt like Kanda was encouraging him, trying to tell him that them getting closer would be okay. On the other— well, it was simply hard to access how serious he was about it. Maybe mostly because Kanda never really acted this way before. Encouraging Allen to talk about personal matters? As if. That was entirely new. And mentioning Alma's name of all things…

Allen was scared, he realized. It was becoming more and more obvious that there were things they needed to talk about and that was just simply never easy. He was terrified about the outcome of it. He never really pressed people for personal information before anyway. He didn't really know how to do it. And that combined with his fears— well.

When they went running in the morning and Kanda seemed to be throwing him a challenge by picking up the usual pace, Allen let him, actually trying to go even faster than that. They ended up pretty much racing like idiots and Allen has never been this glad that almost no one was around, because some bystander could have easily gotten hurt. They were pretty much dead by the time they should be turning back and Allen could barely move.

"We really should quit smoking," he rasped out, finally just stopping in place, his body completely refusing to cooperate. He leaned forward, hands resting on his knees.

After a moment, Kanda leaned his back on a tree next to then and thrown him a look. His neck was stretched up soon enough, head thrown back to rest on the bark and Allen had to look away. His already parched throat was turning even drier, stomach dropping with the stirrings of arousal. That was just not good, Kanda was way too attractive like this. The skin of his neck looked so inviting.

"We?" the man echoed eventually, in-between heavy breaths.

"Well, I can't quit so easy if you keep on doing it. You know how it works," Allen answered, actually managing to let out a laugh. He let himself rest for just a bit more, closing his eyes, before he spoke up again. "Can we— can we just walk back? I think I can't manage," he admitted, but didn't feel so bad about it, because, in all honesty, Kanda didn't seem to be doing that much better.

"Yeah." Kanda nodded minutely, further confirming what Allen thought and then he pushed off of the tree, getting back to his side. "Water first?"

"Sure," Allen nodded as well and straightened up, both of them turning in the direction of the small store they went to once before. That is, Kanda was leading, because Allen didn't quite remember where it was.

They were walking embarrassingly slow, but it wasn't so bad. At least until Allen tripped on the stairs leading to the store, his legs too heavy to properly listen to him. He would have bumped into Kanda's back and probably sent them both flying forward, but the other's reflexes were still as quick as ever. He half turned and caught him with an arm around his side, losing balance only briefly before getting a hold of it again.

"Watch it," he said and Allen just answered "sorry" reflexively. But then Kanda didn't really let go and he had to swallow with difficulty. They weren't exactly pressed together, but the contact was enough for him to quickly start feeling more than uncomfortable. He pushed away, ignoring Kanda's intense stare.

"Water," Allen reminded, climbing the stairs again. "Do you have change?"

"Yeah," Kanda answered after a moment, facing away.

"Then I'll wait here."

Then Allen just sat down on the stairs, relishing in the short moment of solitude as Kanda was gone. This was getting really difficult. Not touching Kanda, that is. His whole body ached to do something, anything, but his mind was still successfully stopping him. Even… even if Kanda seemed so willing sometimes.

Allen wasn't sure of anything anymore, he wasn't sure what to do. It was very hard to differentiate what he should let himself do and what he should not. He reasoned with himself that he and Kanda should be friends, but what would that even mean exactly? Friends talk. Kanda and Lenalee were friends. Did that mean he ever talked to Lenalee about Alma? Allen didn't think so. Friends were helpful, too. And he did offer to pick Kanda up from work two days ago, but it didn't happen at the end. Mostly because Kanda's answer to his text proposing it was 'So you'd wait for an hour just to save me 25 mins of using public transport. And I can't believe you have a car and we went shopping on foot, dumbshit.' Leave it to Kanda to embarrass and annoy Allen with one damn message. He had him saved as 'Kanda' in contacts before, but this was enough to make him change it to 'Jerkanda' instead. 'Suit yourself' was Allen's only reply and he went home alone.

Then the next day his classes were significantly shorter and he didn't go by car in the first place. Not that repeating the offer was an option anyway. And Allen felt like going to Starbucks again, not necessarily because of the coffee, but he didn't go in the end.

He felt so— starved for attention. It was ridiculous. They were running together, eating together, talking through mornings and evenings. And this was still not enough. Allen was resisting any stupid ideas he might get, but he felt his resolve gradually weaken.

Kanda was back with water soon enough, sitting beside him. Their legs were touching, but Allen decided that moving away would actually be more telling than just waiting it out. They should be getting going soon anyway.

He observed from the corner of his eye as Kanda drank and tried not to hesitate when he passed the bottle to him afterwards. After both of them were done, the bottle was empty and Allen just thrown it into a nearby trash can from where he sat.

"Good to go?" he asked, but Kanda was already shifting. It irked him when the side of his leg was missing the contact. How pathetic can someone get?

Very pathetic, apparently. Because when Kanda offered him a hand, he took it with embarrassing eagerness, letting the man help him stand up before he let go. He tried to ignore that both of them surely knew how unnecessary that was.

Sticking to being friendly was maybe not very easy, but at least he had an excuse to ask things. They were both sitting at the table now, hungrier than ever after the jogging-turned-racing. Allen's not very properly dried hair was sometimes sending a chilling drop of water down his spine. Kanda's was already almost dry at the top and his fringe looked sort of funny, but Allen just thought it was endearing. He tried not to look too much.

He found himself not able to hold the curiosity about Kanda's take on any real job career. The man admitted that yes, he did follow Allen's advice already a few days ago and was currently researching Kendo certificates and whatnot. It was kind of difficult to pull that admission out of him, but then Kanda sort of just gave up, pretty much openly complaining.

"This is bullshit, because I will have to start from the lowest levels. They won't let me jump anything without a recommendation and where the fuck would I even get that," he said, drinking the green tea that Allen made for him in-between rounds of toasts.

"Maybe… you could try to contact someone? You know, someone with authority. And explain that you're self-taught or whatever and would like some evaluation?" Allen sighed. "Although that bit would probably be easier if you were still in Japan, to be honest."

"Contact someone? Why the fuck would you think it's that simple?" Kanda scoffed, but was looking at him with badly concealed curiosity.

"Look, I can imagine you probably know literally nothing about this, but a polite and coherent email can really work wonders sometimes."

"You just said why it won't work. Your point?" Kanda was staring at him and Allen was trying very hard not to fidget or look away. He was just giving advice after all, there was nothing wrong with that.

And well, Allen had an idea, but— if Kanda was going to be terrible about this, like he was about pretty much every single thing Allen tried to do for him recently, he was seriously going to hit him. Metaphorically, because actually hitting him would easily turn into hitting on him.

"I could technically— write that email," he said carefully, immediately stuffing his face with some more food, before he could add anything embarrassing.

Kanda continued just staring, but eventually answered as Allen still managed not to look away.

"And what's in it for you?" His eyes narrowed slightly as he leaned back into his chair, crossing arms on his chest.

"You know— the joy of helping people…" Allen said, gesticulating vaguely with his hand.

"Right," Kanda said and suddenly Allen forgot what friendly even meant, because the other scowled at him, something very intense and hard to identify in his eyes. "Just like wanting to pick me up from work. Or trying to help me cook."

Allen's chest tightened. This felt like they were threading on a very dangerous territory even if he didn't have any ulterior motives to do what Kanda just mentioned. And he realized he shouldn't have offered to help with the email. His behavior was clearly bothering Kanda, as proven by yesterday's moment on the balcony. 'More annoying than usual', he said.

In response to Allen's tense silence, Kanda just continued.

"Looking for a girlfriend, Walker? Need someone to take care of? You should try somewhere else." Suddenly, there was a foot on his chair, in-between his thighs and Allen felt all blood drain from his face. Since yesterday, something has changed. Was Kanda going to be acting like this now? So— so provocative? Allen remembered his remark to 'try him' and he almost shuddered.

Allen made himself glare mildly for a moment as he fought to keep calm. Then he just let a fake smile stretch his lips.

"That's not funny, Kanda. Your jokes need more practice."

Kanda grimaced, very obviously displeased with his expression. "It was not a joke, shithead."

Allen tried not to feel terrified. Were his attempts at friendliness feeling like courting? Allen never sucked at filtering his behavior, far from it, he usually knew what people wanted to hear and see. This was a really bad time for his skills to start failing him. Because hitting on Kanda was the last thing he actually wanted to do. If he was trying that, he would be probably undressing already. Actually, no. He would be undressing by the time that Kanda implied he was not entirely heterosexual. Right there, on the balcony.

"I was trying to be friendly, you jerk," he admitted, avoiding his gaze. He realized that maybe it was completely lost on Kanda. Allen was just stupid, wasn't he? Friendly and Kanda were admittedly not the most fitting pair. The foot way too close to his crotch was bothering him greatly, so he did the first most reasonable thing and got up. He lost all appetite anyway.

Kanda rolled his eyes in obvious exasperation as Allen placed one foot on the seat to then smoothly pass it to the other side, not intending to disturb Kanda's position in the least.

"Friendly," Kanda echoed somewhere behind, unimpressed. Then he continued. "Is that really what you want?" And Allen was dying inside silently, putting his plate and mug into the dishwasher, steeling himself to avoid eye contact for when he was done and had to turn to face him. He did not want to know what Kanda meant by that.

"What else would I want," he managed out.

By the time he turned around, feeling like he should flee from the kitchen, Kanda was standing right in front of him and he was forced to stay rooted in place if he didn't want to bump into him.

This was really bad, bad, bad.

Kanda didn't really say anything anymore, but maybe that was actually even worse. He was just standing there with his gorgeous face, staring. And Allen had the worst possible thought imaginable. That Kanda really might be interested in him after all. Before yesterday, Allen never let himself wonder about this. Wonder if something was potentially possible between them on Kanda's side. It was just not really that simple. Kanda being willing would just make everything worse. Allen would have less reasons to resist. He just didn't want them to hurt each other, was it really so bad? Was there a flaw in his logic?

Then Kanda sort of looked like he wanted to say something after all, but ended up just getting a bit closer.

And Allen ached to react. But he couldn't. He's been very intensely thinking about all of his reasons not to approach Kanda with his feelings recently and maybe Kanda made him minutely doubt Alma's role in all this yesterday, but that was not all. He was very sure that there was something else. He was repeatedly getting an impression that Nea, that he hurt Kanda somehow and the feeling was always intense enough to make him sick. What he didn't understand at all was why Kanda didn't seem to have any grudge against him whatsoever. It was really strange, since the man supposedly remembered everything. Allen sometimes had a fleeting thought to just ask, but the words never left his mouth.

He remembered Kanda there and then Kanda was gone. Only two things could have happened. He either left or— died.

"I need to get to my assignment," Allen managed shakily, heart long since beating erratically in his throat.

If Kanda as much as touched him, Allen was pretty sure he would yield right away. But he didn't, so after a few long seconds, Allen brushed past him, retreating to his room.

Soon Kanda had to leave for work and Allen really had to focus on his assignment, he wasn't just saying it. He was also planning to do the same tomorrow. Lenalee was coming on Saturday and he couldn't afford to stay too behind with his progress. If he sometimes felt dizzy, mind weighing down with memories of battles alongside Kanda, he strained to push it to the back of his head.