you know what they say about falling in love?

the feeling of butterflies fluttering around your stomach,

getting lost in someone's gaze,

feeling sparks?

i'm beginning to feel those things

i feel them with you

Lessons on moving on were never really Beca's thing. She had a relationship with a guy in high school, which ended rather abruptly. While it was her first experience at having a boyfriend and it stung (hurt like a bitch) when after a month (a month?) of dodged phone calls, Beca never once thought of mourning the failed relationship. See, she was an expert in one thing: closing herself off when something bad happens. That was her generic response to all failures in life: close self off - push people away - let the pain pass - go back to normal. That had been her response she watched her parents' marriage fall apart.

Beca's exposure to love was unpleasant to say the least. That's the very reason it took her a year to open up to Jesse. And even then, she didn't feel fully - did not love as much as she'd hope. Sure, she almost got there, but the love (which wasn't exactly that) fizzled. Her experience in love had always been a side effect of how her parents ended up.

It was subtle at first. Her mother came home late one night, sniffling. She had not noticed as the young Beca watched her pack her bags and move to the vacant guest room. Her father followed, and begged her mom, in not so hushed tones, to talk to him, to let him explain. 'Don't let Beca see us like this.' he had said. The message was clear to her mother —not in front of Beca. So they pretended that she was just busy doing a lot of things for her work and needed a room to herself. Beca was certain that was a lie, but she chose to ride the tide. Putting up walls and pretending nothing was wrong became her defence mechanism. Until her parents' incessant fighting broke it down little by little. All the fights were no longer not in front of Beca. Rather, they happened right in front of Beca. Every single one.

There was someone else. Her father had someone else and it became too much for her mother. She was 16. Her mother left because of the pain - but her mother also left her. So she ran away. Unfortunately for her, her father cared enough to find her. And she didn't have a choice in the matter. She had nowhere to stay; so despite her resentment towards her dad's actions, she felt that she had to go back. So she did. It was much later that she found out that her resentment towards her father was not completely founded. It was a two-sided thing, her mother was there, but not really, just like a ghost hovering around aimlessly. While this did not justify her father's infidelity, it didn't wash her mother's hands clean of fault as well. That led her to believe that building up walls is the only way. You won't get hurt if you don't make yourself vulnerable, right?

Somehow, Jesse chipped a little bit off of that wall. They came close, but it didn't work out. She anticipated the fall out of the relationship, hell, she was waiting for it, but it didn't make it hurt less. So she dealt with it the only way she knew how - she cried her heart out to Chloe, then built her walls back up again. The weird thing was, while it wasn't easy, she didn't feel like she had to force herself to 'move on'. And if all the movies Jesse made her watch proved anything, it was that moving on was supposed to be hard.

…

Beca did not anticipate that Chloe would be the one who would make moving on difficult. It started with inviting all the Bellas to their apartment to 'distract Beca' two weeks after she and Jesse broke up. This proved to be a futile attempt as their idea of 'distraction' was a bootleg copy of Magic Mike and somehow, Beca found it hard to appreciate that. However, Chloe's squeals to mostly naked strippers amused her. Chloe was a sensual person and it's not a bad thing. She actually found it genuinely endearing. Seeing the redhead react in half-fear, half-excitement to dancing Chippendales rip-off, though — that was a distraction.

It wasn't just that reaction though. Beca had always been aware of Chloe's tendency to literally invade personal space. It started with bursting into Beca's shower her freshman year. Then all the random touching happened - during rehearsals, when they're hanging out alone and even with the Bellas. For someone who didn't like having her personal bubble popped, Beca didn't mind how Chloe was with her. Truthfully she didn't think much of it. Until after Freshman year, when she surprised herself when she first initiated contact. They were walking to Bellas rehearsal, then suddenly she was holding Chloe's hand. Then handholding became hugging and Beca was not a hugger. But with Chloe, she didn't know why she made an exception.

So while watching male strippers grinding their groins at women's faces, she also watched Chloe. Then she thought the older girl seemed so pure. And then she thought, Chloe looks really pretty and I want to hug her. That confused her so much. Here were her girls, surrounding her with movies and chips to get her to 'move on'; and somehow she felt that there was no need for it. There was no need for it because whatever pain she was feeling wasn't because she lost her romantic relationship with Jesse. It was because she lost Jesse as a friend and to her that was much worse. And she was getting the feeling that nobody noticed this, not even Chloe.

The second time Chloe took her out to distract her, it was just the two of them. Her phone rang at 4PM, with Chloe's grinning face flashing on her screen. She took it during Magic Mike night and made it Chloe's contact picture.

"Yo?"

"What are you doing after work?" Chloe's singsong voice rang against her ear.

"Whatever it is you have planned, I guess." She didn't know why she said that. She was planning on working on the arrangement of Emily's new song but that, she believed, can wait.

"What makes you think I have something planned?"

Beca only sniggered in response.

"Fine. Can you come to Barden? I want to show you something."

"Haven't I already seen everything?" She didn't know why she said that either.

"Ha. Ha. Funny. Just come over! Byeee!"

…

She met Chloe right outside the auditorium where they used to practice as Bellas. Chloe chose to become a music professor. She experienced a bit of separation anxiety right after graduation and decided that she would teach music in Barden instead.

Upon seeing her, Chloe gave her a big hug then linked their arms and started walking. She noted that Beca had a 7-eleven paper bag in her hand.

"Where are you taking me?" Beca inquired.

"'Hi Chloe, how was your day?' Oh it's great, Becs, thank you for asking." Chloe responded playfully; gently nudging Beca as she led their walk.

"Keep that up and you won't get your Mudshake."

"You got me Mudshake?"

"Uh huh. Caramel." Beca didn't recognise where they were going. Four years in Barden and there were still places that she had not been to.

"GIMME!" She shook her head and handed the paper bag to Chloe. It was then that she realised that they had stopped moving.

Beca didn't know there was a place like this in Barden. They were near the edge of something she would describe as a hill. It was overlooking a big area of houses and smaller buildings. And as her eyes scanned the scene, she was shocked.

"Is that…" Beca's jaw had slightly dropped in awe. She never knew about this place — or that Chloe knew about this place at all.

"That's Barden… see the Bella house over there?" Chloe pointed to a house at the far right as she sat down.

"Oh wow. You have to be kidding me. This has been here the whole time?"

"No Becs, a hill magically grew overnight! Of course this has always been here. You like it?"

"It's amazing." She sat down beside Chloe, reaching out for the second bottle of Mudshake.

The sun started to set and they sat there in silence, enjoying their drinks. Chloe was leaning on Beca's side, and the younger girl didn't mind. It felt comfortable and safe; and she liked it. Like how it first was with Jesse, only more natural.

She realised then that she never really told anyone about the circumstances of the breakup. Not even Chloe. And after that single episode of sobbing, she never said a single word about it.

"It started to feel like a routine." As Chloe looked at her, she knew the older girl understood what she was talking about. Chloe didn't prod her to say anything more, which strangely made her want to tell the redhead everything. So she did. She told her how at first, everything felt exciting and nice, then it gradually felt like something they stuck to because they're used to it. Beca told her about how one day she realised it would have to end sooner or later, because it felt too much of a habit.

"And I know I'm barely an expert in love, but I don't think it should feel like that at all." With that, she felt Chloe take her hand. When she turned she saw Chloe giving her a small smile. It was like she was saying 'it's going to be fine'. That was the problem though. Sure, there was some pain. But everything already felt fine and that made everything confusing.

What was even more confusing was the stirring in her stomach, the pounding in her chest and the feeling of pins in her hand as Chloe held it. Beca felt that if there was a good (yet confusing) thing that came out of the breakup, it was this: Chloe came into crisp and clear focus. She shouldn't feel these things towards Chloe, she knew that. Not three weeks after a four-year relationship ended. It was too soon. Then again, she didn't know what else to do.

"Chlo?" She whispered.

"Hmm?"

"Promise me you won't take me out on any more grieve-then-move-on-and-be-merry adventures?"

"I'll try." Chloe faced her and looked at her intently. She had noticed before how blue Chloe's eyes were. But this time, she felt like Chloe's eyes were the ocean, and she was drowning in them. She closed her eyes as she felt Chloe lean in and kiss her forehead.

Chloe should also not do that anymore, she thought.

…

Beca did not know what Chloe aimed to achieve with taking her out this time. She thought they'd agreed not to do that anymore. Well, Chloe did say she would try. Besides, the older girl wouldn't have taken no for an answer. Beca knew this and thought it best not to try to change her mind.

As she made her way to the car, she noticed that Chloe had changed the picture in the living room into one of Beca watching the sunset one time on the hill. She didn't know how the other girl did that, but it made her smile. Then it suddenly registered, that ever since that night on the hill, being with Chloe, or even just thinking of Chloe, made her feel the stirring and the pounding all over again.

I need to do something about this, she thought to herself. Seeing Chloe standing against the car, playing on her phone, she thought, maybe later.

"Ready?" Chloe said as she approached the car.

"Not really but 'k." Yes, Beca knew she needed to do something. But what?