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Let It Go

-x-

From walking home and talking loads
To seeing shows in evening clothes with you
From nervous touch and getting drunk
To staying up and waking up with you

But now we're sleeping at the edge
Holding something we don't need
All this delusion in our heads
Is gonna bring us to our knees

So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me

Renee was sitting alone in catering; half-heartedly picking at the salad in front of her. She really didn't feel like eating right now. At least she was alone now rather than being interrogated by the blonde.

She loved Summer, she was such a good friend, but her constant attempts to distract Renee and cheer her up were exhausting. She just wanted to dedicate some time to feeling sorry for herself. She was consumed by sadness and there was no use in pretending otherwise. As a result, she'd mumbled something about wanting to be on her own for a while and headed off to satisfy the rumbling in her stomach.

That was another side-effect of recent events. She'd barely eaten. The anxiety and stress of it all had made her usual voracious appetite disappear. As she stared down at her salad, she knew this wasn't going to be a successful meal either. Forcing down a piece of tomato to make herself feel like she'd at least tried, she pushed the bowl away.

She was just sitting there, looking blankly at her script for the night when her heart sank. That low, gravelly voice permeated the room, hitting her right in the gut. She was barely functioning as it was, she really didn't need salt rubbed in her wounds like this.

Keeping her eyes down on the paper in front of her, she heard the sounds getting closer. He was clearly with Joe, no surprises there, and as their conversation became more audible, she tried to think of an escape route.

Their conversation suddenly died and an awkward silence filled the air. It was then that she realised she'd been spotted.

Her heart was beating so fast it was painful and the possibility of throwing up was real. Standing, she gathered up the schedule for the show and made a beeline for the exit. She couldn't even look at him, keeping her eyes on the ground as she passed. She managed a very forced smile at Joe, but averted her eyes as soon as he returned it. This was too much, too soon.

Everyone had warned her about dating a co-worker. She knew that if things between them didn't work out, being his colleague and seeing him all the time would be difficult. But she never dreamed it would end this way. He was her best friend. She never imagined things between them would ever be this bad. She'd managed to avoid him through sheer luck so far, her schedule filming for the network had given her ample opportunity to steer clear, but that was short-lived and now here he was.

She'd hoped two weeks would be long enough for her to come to terms with it all, at least enough to co-exist with him – to see him and not want to throw up. But she was wrong. She wasn't ready for this. Feeling the lump in her throat getting bigger, she kept her head down as she made her way through the winding hallways.

She passed the crew setting up the ring, her high-heeled boots clacking against the floor. She didn't think anything of the heavy footsteps behind her until they sped up.

"Please no" she whispered under her breath, but she knew deep down that he'd follow her. He'd called her a few times this week and she'd ignored all of them, knowing that she wasn't in a good place to talk right now. He was persistent. He wouldn't want things to end just like that. But work was the last place she wanted to have this conversation so when he called out to her, she carried on walking.

"Renee..." he panted, breaking into a jog to catch up.

"Don't..." she asked, the steadiness of her voice surprising her as she kept up her pace, wishing she'd worn flat shoes.

"I just want to talk..." he reasoned, falling into step with her easily thanks to his long strides.

"Not now" she asserted, tugging the hem of her little black dress down to cover more of her thighs, suddenly hyper-aware of the way it slipped up as she walked.

He grabbed her wrist loosely in his hand but soon retracted his grip when she flinched, stopping in her tracks. "Please don't..." she asked.

He felt like she'd kicked him in the gut when she finally looked at him. Not only had she flinched at his touch, but she looked as though she was about to cry. He didn't want that. Not at work.

"Okay" he held his hands up in surrender. He just stared at her, while she stared at her feet. This was such a far cry from the easy-going nature of their relationship, full of laughter and fun. "Can we go grab something to eat after the show? I really want to talk to you..." he asked, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

She looked up at the ceiling, blinking back the moisture and nodded.

"I'll come grab you once I've showered" he whispered, giving her a regretful glance.

He watched her go, lamenting how beautiful she looked.

- x -

Joe watched Jon as he sat at the table staring off into the distance. He'd been chewing the same piece of steak for minutes now.

Joe put a hand on Jon's shoulder and rubbed it firmly. He knew his friend well enough now to know when he needed a bit of reassurance and for the past two weeks, Jon had been incredibly down. Joe had called him the day after Renee had left, not realising what had happened. One word out of Jon's mouth and Joe knew something was seriously wrong. It hadn't taken long to get it out of him and the sound of his friend all choked up with devastation, the end of a relationship which was so precious to him causing so much pain, broke Joe's heart. Joe wasn't used to seeing Jon this way, he was normally so laid back and positive, but it was obvious he was really hurting.

"Did you catch up with her?" he asked.

Jon nodded.

"How is she? She didn't look too great when she left"

"Not good" he replied simply.

"I'm sorry man..."

Jon shook his head. "I don't think us going out for food is a good idea. She was nearly in tears just now..." he mumbled, running a tired hand over his face.

"I can make myself scarce if you want to talk it out in our room" Joe offered. They'd been sharing a room since it happened. Joe gave Jon his space when he asked for it, but he wanted to stay close to his friend, making sure he talked about things instead of bottling it up.

"I'll see what she says. She might not want to come back to the room" he sighed.

"It'll get better Jon, I promise" Joe reassured after a moment of tense silence.

"I know...it's just shit right now"

Joe watched as Jon put his head in his hands.

"Use tonight to get it all out there. You'll feel better for it. Just remember that I'm here for you man, you don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt"

- x -

Renee sat with Summer, her foot bouncing anxiously as she waited for Jon to shower so they could leave.

"If you need an excuse to leave, text me and I'll call you okay?" Summer assured her. "I can come bail you out"

Renee shook her head. "Thanks for the offer, but I really think we need to do this" she admitted. "We haven't talked about anything since I packed my bag and left two weeks ago"

"Is all your stuff still at his place?" Summer asked sympathetically.

Renee nodded. "I've been living out of my suitcase. I can't go back there, it hurts too much"

"You don't think you can fix it?" Summer asked.

"Not after everything that's happened since" Renee whispered, taking a deep breath to keep the tears at bay.

"He doesn't deserve you Nae"

"Don't..." she protested. "Don't say that because it's not true and you know it. I don't want to speak badly of him because that's not how I feel. I still love him..."

Summer wrapped her arms around her friend in an emotional hug as Jon came around the corner.

"He's here babe, I'll see you in a few?" Summer asked.

Renee nodded, taking a deep breath and gathering herself before standing.

"Ready?" Jon asked as she pulled out the handle on her suitcase. She nodded, following him to the car.

The ride was awkward, something they'd never been. It just emphasised how much had changed.

"I didn't think this was a talk for a public place..." he broke the silence. "I thought we could order room service?"

"Okay" she agreed.

"We can go out if you wanted to though? I don't mind..."

"I don't care Jon...in all honesty, I really don't care. I'm not even hungry" Renee breathed out a sigh.

He turned his attention back to the road. She clearly wanted to be anywhere but here right now and that stung, to see her so uncomfortable in his presence when they were always anything but.

Renee folded her hands in her lap, trying not to fidget anxiously as they sped down the highway to the hotel. It was weird just being in such close proximity to him again, watching him drive like she had so many times on their travels around the states.

She always liked to observe him when he was driving. How a person handled a car told you a lot about them and Jon was as laid back and smooth behind the wheel as he was in general life, one hand on the wheel, the other bent at the elbow and resting on the sill of the window. His seat was pushed back, long legs stretched out as he sped up.

She felt her heart clench uncomfortably when 'Wonderwall' by Oasis started to play on the radio. He too stiffened and she watched with a heavy heart as he turned the volume down.

She wondered how exactly she was even going to sit in a room with him without crying. She didn't want to cry, she wanted him to see her strong and composed but she wasn't. She was hurt and the lump in her throat was only getting bigger and harder to ignore.

- x –

Upon reaching the hotel, she followed him into the elevator and stared at her feet as the silence engulfed them.

He cleared his throat, breaking it. "Here's a card for my room...I thought maybe you'd like to go drop your bags in your room or whatever..." he rubbed the back of his neck.

She took it from his outstretched hand, their fingers brushing and causing her heart to clench painfully.

Jon changed into some sweatpants and a loose shirt, sitting on the end of the bed, knees bouncing as he waited for her. This was the worst breakup of his life, not that he'd had that many serious relationships but still, it stung. He never expected to fall in love with the beautiful blonde but her smile was infectious and she made him happy in ways he never imagined. He cried the day she left. He couldn't remember the last time he cried before that.

He heard the 'click' of the door as she entered, now clad in some soft cropped pyjama bottoms and a camisole. She looked adorable.

The next thing he noticed was how much weight she'd lost. She was always slim and toned, but now he could see the angles of her hips and the way her ribs were visible through the material. The pyjamas he'd seen her wear a hundred times now tied to keep them from falling down.

With trepidation, she made her way over, putting his room card on the nightstand and taking a seat on the bed. She chose a spot at the other end of the bed, keeping distance between them. Crossing her legs, she finally looked up at him.

He knew he had to start. He was the one who brought her here.

"I just need you to know..." he got straight to the point. "...I didn't do anything at that bar..."

Hurt flashed across her eyes.

"It doesn't matter Jon, we broke up remember? You can do whatever you want with whoever you want" she whispered, speaking words she knew she didn't mean. Hearing rumours around the locker room of him out and about with another woman so soon after they broke up absolutely tore her heart to pieces. It crushed her.

"I don't care if it was after we broke up Nae, I need you to hear it from me. I wouldn't hurt you like that. I know there were photos or whatever but I didn't sleep with her. I wouldn't do that so soon after we ended things" he told her honestly. "She just talked to me for a bit. That's it. I'm not ready to be with anyone else. This has been hell enough; I don't want lies and gossip to make it worse"

"It couldn't feel much worse anyway" she swallowed hard.

"I'm sorry..." he apologised.

"What are you apologising for?" she asked.

"I don't know...everything"

"It wasn't your fault Jon...it just didn't work out"

"I miss you…" he admitted.

That did it. Looking up to the ceiling, Renee felt the first tear slip over her eyelid.

"I know you left because you had to...because we were fighting so much that it was making both our lives miserable...but I still wish you hadn't..." he told her.

Walking out of their apartment…his apartment…that was the hardest thing she'd ever done. She bawled her eyes out the entire taxi ride to the airport and the flight. She still cried every time she thought about it.

She wiped her eyes, looking up to see the sincerity in his eyes. "I miss you too Jon...you have no idea how many nights I lie in bed and wonder whether I did the wrong thing..."

"You did what you thought was right"

"I walked away because we were both unhappy but it didn't fix anything; I'm heartbroken Jon"

"I know the feeling…" he told her quietly.

"You're my best friend…" she whispered. "I don't know how to not talk to you every day…"

"It's hard not to call you…we used to speak a few times a day, every day" he agreed.

"I miss being able to call you when I need advice or just someone to talk to" she swallowed hard.

"You can still do that Nae…"

She scoffed. Silence fell between them before he spoke again, his words showing just how guilty he felt about those rumours.

"I really wouldn't disrespect you by sleeping with someone a week after you left…I know you say it doesn't matter but it does. I care what you think. I wouldn't do that. I never wanted to hurt you any more than I already did" he told her honestly.

"It's not your fault…" she sighed, feeling his fingers ghosting over the back of her hand as he reached out to take it. "We both failed at this relationship"

"So where do we go from here?" he asked.

"I don't know" she replied, getting choked up again. "I don't know how to exist without you in my life"

He took a chance, reaching over to wrap her up in his arms. "Me either…" he mumbled against her hair.

- x –

Sorry for the angst but this idea just popped into my head and I couldn't get rid of it! Let me know if you like it and want a part 2!