Coffee. I needed some coffee. I rummaged through the Salvatore kitchen in a desperate search for caffeine. They had to have some in one of these cabinets.
"Top left, here, let me get it. There is no way you can reach," Kai surprised me from behind. He was freshly showered, droplets of water dampening his t-shirt collar. He slid past me and reached up to grab the coffee, handing it to me before he ambled over to the fridge to search for something to eat.
We had gotten back late last night. I had wanted to stay to watch the house burn to the ground. I wanted every last fragment of it gone from this world. I took a few hours and when there was only smoldering ash left, we headed back to Mystic Falls. I let Kai drive. I could tell he was feeling less than certain about my state of mind. He liked being in control, so I let him. I had been exhausted anyhow and slept almost the entire way home.
When we got back to the Salvatore's, Kai gently shook my shoulder.
"Sam, were back," he said quietly, turning off the car.
"Mmmmmmm…okay," I murmured, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I sat up, stretching, preparing to drive back to my loft. Getting out slowly, I groggily held my hand out for the keys as Kai came around to the passenger's side.
"Why don't you stay here tonight? Plenty of room…" he offered, "A lot went down today and you look wiped" His face gave away his concern, though he was working hard to appear nonchalant. Whether it was due to his worry for my well-being or apprehension that something would happen to his witchy escape plan if I was unsupervised, I couldn't tell. "You can take to room across from mine. I think it use to be Stefan's?"
"It did," I confirmed as I walked to the front door without another word. I was too drained to drive back home and wanted nothing more than to be in a bed, any bed. Walking through the front door, I proceeded down the hallway and upstairs to Stefan's room. Taking off my shorts, I climbed under the sheets and was out cold in a matter of minutes.
My sleep was fitful and filled with flashes of memories; the coven surrounding me as they prepared to strip me of my magic for the umpteenth time, violent beatings doled out for my insolence, being locked in the furnace, Kai kissing me in the basement as the house was about to collapse, killing Alan. Other memories I had spent years trying to suppress started surfacing again too; a homeless man, eyes wide and unmoving as he lay dead. Colin when we were on the road, traveling, then with blood running from his nose and eyes…
I awoke with a start, shooting straight up, choking on my own breathe as panic enveloped me. For a minute, I tried to calm myself, inhaling deeply. Then I jumped from the bed and dashed to the bathroom, emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet violently.
The dry heaving continued for a few minutes until my body was done purging everything but the memories that were haunting me. Pouring myself a glass of water from the sink, I rinsed my mouth thoroughly and moved back to the bed, still shaking. As I climbed back under the covers, I tried to go back to sleep but my mind was swarming painfully. It wouldn't stop racing, making me feel like complete insanity was taking over. Tears were rolling down my cheeks, streaming from my eyes. In moments, my body was wracked with hysterical sobs as I clutched a pillow to my chest.
I didn't hear the door open or the footsteps across the hardwood floor. I didn't even feel the bed shift as he lay down. One of his arms wrapped around my waist, the other above my head, his hand gently stroking my hair. He didn't say anything; he was just there, tethering me to reality, calming my demons. I felt his steady breathing on my ear, his face resting on my head. I knew he had shared my memories or visions - whatever you want to call them - in the basement. I had fully relived each horrifying minute when my magic was spiraling out of control. It felt different than the first time I experienced these cruelties, though. I could sense him there with me…unlike the solitude I felt when I had actually endured those events. Just knowing he was with me made it easier, less painful… safer. Eventually, I relaxed against him, my thoughts slowly dropping away.
When I woke up, he was showering so I slipped downstairs. My head was pounding and my face was puffy and swollen. Yesterday had taken its toll on me.
Now Kai sat across from me, eating Count Chocula cereal as I drank a mug freshly brewed coffee. Neither of us seemed to be in the mood to talk much. I grabbed the box of cereal, sticking my hand in.
"Do you want a bowl?" Kai asked.
I just shrugged, staring out the windows over the sink.
"Motus," he mumbled while concentrating on the other side of the kitchen. A cabinet door swung open and a bowl flew towards Kai's hand, a satisfied smile emerging on his face, as it sailed past his hand and bounced off the table, smashing on the floor.
"Bit rusty, eh?" I noted teasingly as I pulled another handful of cereal out of the box.
"It's been a while. I just need to shake the dust off," he said, trying again. This time he caught the bowl, though it flew in a wider arc than he expected, and slid it towards me.
"Thanks," I muttered distractedly as I poured cereal into the bowl. My mind was occupied with the grimoire. There were multiple spells that could work for what we needed but I was not sure which one would work best for our purposes. There were two that came to mind… a resurrection spell that would bring the deceased Bennett witch back to life and a regenerative spell that would restore her body and reverse the years of decay. She would be in the same state she was immediately after her death without her spirit crossing the threshold back into this world.
I did not want to bring her back from the dead if we didn't have to. It would cause a whole mess of problems and then we would have to decide what to do with her. I didn't want to have to kill her again just to restore the universal balance, but I was not sure what other options we had. The only other people around to restore the balance with their lives were Kai and I. "Where is the grimoire, I want to look through it," I asked, my face pinched with worry.
"On the table in the living room," he answered, mouth full of cereal, milk dripping down his chin. His manners were really beyond repair. 18 years on his own had turned him into a savage when it comes to eating. I just shook my head and stood up.
I retrieved the book and laid it open on the table between us.
"The way I see it we have two options. Regeneration or resurrection. I would prefer regeneration so we don't have to actually bring May Louise back over the threshold," I deliberated, flipping through the pages.
"Gotta be resurrection. It will be essential for Bennett magic to be present in the blood. No life, no magic," Kai explained. "If we take blood from the freshest version of her corpse, it won't work."
"Shit," I blurted out, my distress evident as I rubbed my hands over my face anxiously, "I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this."
"No other way" he said. His casualness about the whole situation was unsettling.
"So, what is your plan? We resurrect her and then? What? Just kill her again?" I asked with an irate edge to my voice.
"Yeah…what else would we do?" he replied with confusion seeping into his tone.
"Not kill her?" I answered, annoyed that this hadn't even been a possibility in his mind.
"I see. So what do you propose? We bring her back and take her with us, bring her back to the present? We can be the three fucking Musketeers and have potluck dinners together every Sunday! I'm sure Bonnie would love to meet her. It wouldn't be awkward at all, or unnatural, or a disruption to the natural balance that would come around to bite us in the ass" he snapped.
I shot him an angry look, crossing my arms, preparing to argue.
"Okay," he said, leaning his forehead against his knuckles in frustration, "I get where you are coming from, Sam, I do. You don't feel right about taking her life. It is not right or ethical, blah blah blah. But it's not like she died that young. She lived her life and should be allowed to rest in peace… except for this tiny, little detour so we can procure some of her blood." His nose crinkled in mock apology for the predicament we were putting this woman in.
"I am just being practical here," he said, "We have a goal and this is how we achieve it. We can't afford any deviations or loose ends. You know as well as I do that if the balance is disrupted for too long, there will be repercussions. Is that what you want?" Kai asked matter of factly.
"I can't take this lightly. I can't disregard my moral compass. This needs to be a hard decision," I replied, letting out a deep breath, muttering, "I already have enough blood on my hands."
"Try to think of it as temporary relocation, from one side of the threshold then back to the other. You aren't resurrecting her and killing her as much as you are taking her on a quick trip and then sending her happily on her way home again," he argued. "You need to re-center that moral compass, anyhow. Killing the man that used you as a magical all-you-can-eat buffet for a decade, doesn't really count as 'blood on your hands'."
I lowered my eyes, unable to meet his gaze. He didn't know any better. Why would he. I had never told anyone about the others. A pang of guilt and remorse was ringing in my gut. I couldn't think about this now. I shook my head, trying to clear the morbid thoughts dancing in the back of my mind.
"There is something else I have been worrying about," I admitted, meeting Kai's stare, frowning deeply, "What if we can't resurrect her with the other side gone. I am not sure what happened to all the spirits that were there. They might not even exist anymore or they could be someplace where they can't be called back to our side."
"The thought had crossed my mind," he said, rubbing his chin nervously. "I guess we won't know until we try," he shrugged, leaning back in his chair, crossing his arms.
I flipped to the page outlining the spell for resurrection.
"We have some ingredients to gather, most of them are fairly common, the rest we can find at that holistic store near my loft. Mint, dandelion, sweet grass, wormwood, yew, pipsissewa, most of these are indigenous to Virginia…" I remarked as I looked over the spell. There was one key ingredient that I had not told Kai about. "We also need a blood sacrifice," I casually threw out, bracing for his reaction.
"I don't think I heard you correctly, what was that?" he asked, lips pressed together, nose flaring as he leaned forward. His eyes blazed with fury.
Oh yeah. He definitely heard me.
"Hear me out, Kai. I have a plan…"I began tentatively.
"I don't suppose your plan is that YOU bleed yourself dry for this spell. Is that your plan, Sam? I am guessing not," he snapped, his irritation rising, fist clenched on the table.
"Fair enough," I admitted, "but you have that unique ability to, you know, NOT die? You have to admit that it comes in handy in this situation."
In a burst of anger he swatted his cereal bowl across the room where it shattered against the stone fireplace. He closed his eyes. I could see his brain was ticking through alternatives. His eyes snapped open and he glared at me, exasperated.
"You won't feel anything. I'll make sure of it," I promised, "I will be with you the entire time."
"That doesn't make me feel any better," he said, resigned, "Let's just get the ingredients we need. There is no point in dragging this out."
"We can start looking in the woods around the house. Yew and dandelions should be easy to find. Mint, wormwood, and pipsissewa will take a little more searching. Sweet grass might be harder. We will probably find that at the holistic store. We'll also need a few other things. Candles, a copper bowl to mix everything in, what else…"
Kai pulled the grimoire over to him and looked over the spell. I sat, silently watching the intense look on his face. His eyes were mesmerizing when he was serious, like he could see straight into my thoughts. He looked up at me questioningly, as I stared at him.
"What?" he asked, tipping his head sideways in confusion, "is there something else you're leaving out?"
"No, nothing," I responded awkwardly, looking away, "I'll be back in a few. I've gotta fix my hair and brush my teeth." I quickly left the room and ran upstairs. Once I was safely in Stefan's bathroom, door closed, I splashed my face with cold water. This was so unlike me. I was the requisite lone wolf. I don't depend on anyone, only myself. No attachments. Nothing to lose. But…I couldn't seem to control my feelings. The longer I was here, alone with Kai, the more attached I felt. I had begun to concern myself with his well-being, breaking rule #1 of the loner handbook.
No one is your problem and you aren't anyone else's problem.
He had made me his problem, though. He would have me believe it was all out of selfish need. I had the magic and he didn't…hadn't, anyways. He needed me to get us out of here, but after last night, I wasn't certain. I am sure he would throw out a witty comment if I asked him any direct questions. Something about him needing me to be focused, not distracted by my demons, no other reason for assuaging my suffering.
How could I effortlessly manage to be alone when I was in a world filled with other people, but now I find myself in a world where I could easily be alone and I have this undeniable need to be with the one other person here?
This was becoming a royal mind-fuck and I needed to get my head straight.
I managed to get a brush through my hair, wrapping it in a bun and securing it with a hair clip. After searching through the drawers, I found an extra toothbrush, using it to scrub my coffee breath away. Before I walked out of the bathroom, I looked myself in the mirror and forced myself to think about Colin, just to remind myself of what happens to the people I get close to.
I bounced down the stairs quickly, noticing Kai sitting by the front door before I made it to the kitchen.
"Ready?" he asked, his backpack slung over one shoulder.
"As ready as I'll ever be," I replied as we took one more step towards our freedom.
Sorry for such a long delay! Work got crazy (I ended up working 19 days straight) and things kept getting in the way of writing time (sleep, eating, family ;P ). This chapter was also giving me a wicked case of writers block. I knew where I wanted to go but I was having a hell of a time getting there.
Nina: you were asking about a ship name. I like your suggestion of #Kaimantha
Thanks to everyone who has left reviews! I really love the feedback. Hugs to you all!