Dear Diary,

So last night was interesting. Please keep in mind that Wayne Manor has nineteen bedrooms and the kids and I sleep on practically opposite ends of the building, and even I couldn't sleep from the combination of Mister Kerr's erratic sobbing and Miss Kyle's moans of pleasure. In the morning when I stomped down to the kitchen to make myself a pot of coffee, I found Mister Crane, Miss Pepper, and Master Bruce looking very sleep-deprived and sitting at the kitchen table.

"You lot didn't get any sleep last night either?" I asked.

They all shook their heads.

I nodded. "So… coffee?"

They all nodded in agreement, and I went to fetch the pot. After I poured them all a mug, I came back and found Miss Kyle waddling down the stairs with her legs frozen apart, wincing with each step. We waited for her to say something. Instead, she just came to the bottom of the steps and sighed, "Best…night…ever."

"Yeah? Hope it was," Master B said, annoyed.

She sat down next to Mister Crane and Miss Pepper and asked, "So how long until whatever you two did to Sean wears off?"

Miss Pepper growled, "Why does everyone think that we did something to him?!"

"Because you used magic mushrooms to make me think I was a turtle," Master Bruce said.

"Because you used fear gas to make me afraid of showering," Miss Kyle said.

"Because you used pollen to make me—" I started, before we heard a thudding coming down the stairs. Mister Ornelas, wearing only his white briefs, was approaching the kitchen table, dragging Mister Kerr behind him by the foot. Mister Kerr sighed dejectedly while being dragged on the floor like a garbage bag. Once Mister Ornelas got to the table, he sat down and said,

"Hey old man, whip up some eggs, will you?" he demanded, slinging his arm around Miss Kyle.

While he did that, Mister Kerr sighed heavily again and didn't get up.

"You really miss Harley, huh?" Miss Pepper asked.

He just sighed, "She was my one true love, and now she's gone."

"You know you didn't even say goodbye to her, right?" Mister Crane asked.

And that just triggered him even more, as he started sobbing again, very loudly.

Miss Kyle jumped off of her chair and grinned, "Looks like you need some cheering up. Why don't we all hit up Sirens and grab a few dri—"

"Ahem," I said.

"—non-alcoholic drinks," Miss Kyle continued, "and we can just talk about this, okay? Who's in?"

"I'll go," Mister Crane said. "Barbara owes me some stuff."

"And I'm not leaving my little kitty," Mister Ornelas said.

So I got in the car and drove Miss Kyle, Mister Crane, Mister Ornelas, and a sobbing Mister Kerr off to Sirens. The drive didn't take long, and soon we were in a bustling club. When we came to the front entrance, Miss Galavan was standing at the entrance with her whip in hand.

"Oh… it's you people," she said. "What do you want?"

"Yeah, whatever, Tabby," Mister Ornelas said. "Listen, you got some whips and a bedroom for kitty and me?"

Miss Galavan scoffed, "What do you think I am, some kind of prostitute?"

"Do you have them?"

"Maybe."

With that, the two skipped into the club.

Mister Kerr looked to Mister Crane with wet, whimpering eyes and sighed, "Well, I guess it's just you and me now, buddy. You know, I've felt so lonely with Harley gone."

"Love is nothing more than a chemical reaction engineered by natural selection to keep us unable to resist bringing more life into this meaningless, spiralling existence of ours."

And then Mister Kerr ran inside crying, followed by Mister Crane. I sighed and turned to Miss Galavan.

"I suppose I'll go wait in the car," I said. I turned back to go walk back to the car, but I felt a hand on my shoulder pulling me back. When I turned back, Miss Galavan was holding me in my place.

"Hold on there," she said. "I think that Barbara would like to see you. She needs help with something."

"I don't think I like where this is going."

But I don't think that I was in a position to bargain with an assassin trained by the order of St. Dumas, and so I just decided to come along with her into the club. While Mister Kerr and Mister Crane were sitting at the bar and Miss Kyle grabbed a whip off the table, I followed Miss Galavan across the club, down a staircase, and into a dark room that I think might have been an attic or some type of root cellar.

It was dark, but I could make out a few people in the room. There were about ten, including Miss Kean and Mister Gilzean. Once I made my way down the stairs, Miss Galavan immediately turned on the lights and ran back up the stairs, shutting the door behind her and locking it. I didn't think that was a good sign.

And yes, there were about ten tough-looking men and women in leather jackets all surrounding Miss Kean and Mister Gilzean, who looked rather skittish with the flamethrower that he had attached to the stump where his hand used to be.

"Alfred!" she grinned at me, still training a gun on the gang surrounding her. "So glad to see you."

As soon as she said that, she pulled the trigger and shot one of the women in the head. The rest of them all jumped into action. In an attempt to fight them off, Miss Kean hit one in the back of the head with the handle of her gun, Mister Gilzean switched his flamethrower on, and since they were also coming at me, I was forced to punch one in the face. The others tried to grab me and pin me to the wall, so I had to break out of the group and throw another one into the wall.

"What is the meaning of this?!" I yelled at Miss Kean.

"I kinda owe these guys some money that I didn't want to pay and they wanted to brawl," she said, kicking off her high heels and then jamming it into a guy's head, "So I told Tabby to find a tough guy to help out!"

"So why isn't she down here helping?" I asked, throwing a woman into another man.

"Because someone needs to run the bar," she said.

"And you think it shouldn't have been you or Mister Gilzean running the bar and the assassin down here fighting?"

"She doesn't trust me with the booze," Mister Gilzean growled while blasting a guy backwards with his flamethrower.

"Wait, your last name's Gilzean?" Miss Kean asked.

And so I punched out the last conscious goon, and soon the three of us had a pool of goons lying at our feet.

Miss Kean blew her hair back and sneered, "We make a good team, Alfie."

"Did I just do your dirty work for you?"

"It wasn't that dirty."

And so I went back up the stairs to see just what the kids were up to. And surprise—I found Mister Kerr and Mister Crane sobbing at the bar while downing shots of… I think it was water. I went up to them and asked, "Wait, Mister Crane, what are you crying about?"

"There's too much water in my body," he said, "I need to get it out."

"Wait," I asked again, "Where's Miss Kyle and Mister—"

Of course, my question was answered by a loud slapping sound coming from the back of the room. I ran to go and see what it was, past the bar and down the halls. The first place I decided to check was the rooms in the back, and it turns out that I know my kids better than I thought I did. I found Mister Ornelas was lying on a bed with his behind in the air yelling, "HARDER! HARDER! HARDER!"

Miss Kyle meanwhile was trying her best to spank him as hard as she could with a whip while Miss Galavan was standing behind her helping her with her form. Tabitha was doing things such as adjusting Miss Kyle's arm position and telling her which muscles to focus on while doing it.

When Miss Kyle noticed me coming through the doorway, she put the whip down and wiped the sweat off her brow. "Hey, Alf. What's up?"

"I think it would be wise to go home now," I said.

She looked up at Miss Galavan and then back at me with a heavy sigh, "Look, I have to tell you something. I think it would be good if I stayed here with Tabitha for a while."

"WHAT?!" Mister Ornelas yelled, jumping off the bed.

Miss Kyle shrugged, "Look at all she's taught me just in these few minutes. Imagine all the new things I'll learn. Don't worry, I'll be back before you know it."

Miss Kyle opened her arms and gave him a big hug. He sighed and said, "Okay, if that's what you want."

Miss Galavan put an arm around her and nodded at me, "I'll take care of her. She'll be back before you know it."

And so Mister Ornelas, Mister Kerr, Mister Crane and I went back to the car to drive home, and except for Mister Kerr's quiet whimpering, the car seemed just that tiny bit quieter. Although I couldn't help but notice one thing in the mirror. As Mister Ornelas looked backwards at the club growing smaller in the distance, something in his eyes appeared to turn black for just a second.