I'm Not Okay, a merlin fanfic

Tick

The ticking of the carriage clock on the mantel was the only sound to be heard in the room. He rubbed at his eyes, breathing deeply, as he stood from the low sitting couch that he felt was far too fancy to be sat on by him. He walked over to the mantel, eyes on the clock.

Tick

He reached out and tapped the glass of the clock face, wishing he could shut the stupid thing up. Slowly, his eyes drifted from the timepiece to the wide mirror hanging above it. His dark hair was dishevelled from how much he had run his hands through it. There were heavy bruise like shadows under his eyes from lack of sleep. His skin had an unhealthy pale yellowed tint to it. He reached his hand up and ran a hand over his jaw, surveying his large amount of stubble. At this rate he would have a full beard within a couple of days. His jaw clenched in annoyance as the tick of the clock caught his attention again. For some reason the repetitive sound was grating on his nerves. It felt like the clock was counting down to something and it was making him anxious.

"Tick, tick." He said irritably. "Tick, tick."

"Merlin?" Somebody called from behind him. He turned to see a pale woman with long dark hair and piercing blue eyes staring at him from the entrance of the lavish sitting room. "Are you alright?" She asked worriedly.

"I'm fine, Morgana." He said, turning back to the clock.

"You don't seem fine." She said. He looked up at her in the mirror, their eyes meeting. "Merlin, I-" she started. She jumped as a bang echoed down the hall from the direction of the front door, trailing off as she watched whatever had made the noise.

"Morgana?" Merlin asked. Seconds later Arthur stepped into the room, his handsome face void of emotion. Merlin turned around to look at him as two men in white uniforms walked up behind Arthur.

"What is this?" Morgana asked. "What's happening?" She asked. Arthur barely spared her a glance as he stepped aside, allowing the men past him. The men quickly moved towards Merlin, each of them taking an arm.

"Mr. Emrys, you must come with us." One of them said.

"Arthur?" Merlin asked, starting to panic.

"It's for your own good, Merlin." Arthur said. The men started to pull Merlin away from the mantel.

"What's for my own good?" Merlin demanded as he struggled against them. For someone so thin he was giving as good as he got, making it very difficult for the men to take him.

"Where are you taking him? Stop it." Morgana demanded as she started to move towards the three. Arthur grabbed her and held her back.

"Don't, Morgana." Arthur ordered, his voice cracking.

"Arthur." Merlin was yelling. "Arthur."

"Stop, stop. Please." Morgana yelled. "You're hurting him." She cried as Merlin yelled out, one of the men having twisted his arm. Morgana turned on Arthur, pushing him away from her.

"What have you done?" She growled.

"It's for the best, Morgana. He needs to go with them." Arthur said. "They can give him the help he needs." They both jumped as there was a loud crash. Merlin had rammed his back against the mantel, knocking the carriage clock to the floor. The clock face shattered and the wood splintered.

"Alright, mate, that's enough. Come on now." One of the men yelled. He fished a syringe out of his pocket and jammed the needle into Merlin's neck. The effects were almost immediate. Merlin could feel his body growing heavy, his vision fuzzy. He tried to take a step forward but stumbled, the men in white easily catching him before he hit the floor. They slowly dragged him between them, his toes brushing the floor.

"That's what's best for him?" Morgana snapped angrily as they passed.

"Morgana." Arthur said quietly, his face falling, revealing just how much pain he was in. Morgana reached up and slapped him across the face.

"How dare you." She said icily. Tears started to slip down her snowy cheeks. "How dare you." She choked out.

"He was spouting delusions about being a warlock Morgana. He was claiming I was the real King Arthur Pendragon. I was named Arthur as a joke, dammit." He yelled as he too started to cry. "He really believes we've lived another life, that we lived in Camelot and had these dangerous adventures. He really believes Mordred killed me."

"Mordred would never." Morgana mumbled to herself. Arthur stepped forward, placing a comforting hand on his half-sister's shoulder.

"It was fine when they were just silly dreams. But he," Arthur paused, searching for the right words, "he really believes it all happened. He's become completely delusional. And he's stopped taking care of himself. You saw him. He's not sleeping, he's not eating."

"That's because you don't believe him." Morgana said sadly.

"How can I?" Arthur demanded, walking away from her and running his fingers roughly through his golden hair. "It's insane, Morgana." He said. He whipped around to look at her when he heard her whimper. She was leaning against the opening of the room, her head hanging down, her shoulders shaking with silent sobs.

"Morgana?" Arthur asked softly, stepping closer. She looked up at him, her eyes red and her cheeks tearstained.

"He's not insane." She said.

"Now I didn't say that." Arthur said.

"You might as well have." She said, walking around him and flopping down onto the couch. Arthur followed her, sitting on the other end. Morgana sighed, forcing herself to calm down. She sniffled as she finally looked up at him.

"What if these aren't just delusions, Arthur?" She asked seriously.

"Morgana." Arthur said wearily.

"I've been having the dreams too." She said. Arthur's mouth opened to respond but no words came out. "Gwen as well." She mumbled. Arthur's mouth closed with a snap as his stomach started to roll.

"Have," Morgana started, "have you?" She asked. Arthur's breathing picked up as he averted his eyes to the ground. He had. But he knew they were due to Merlin's influence. That's all it was. He and Morgana were dreaming about medieval knights, and warlocks because Merlin had been talking about it. But why was Gwen dreaming about it all too? Had Morgana told her about Merlin's issues, Arthur wondered. That had to be the answer.

"Of course not." Arthur said abruptly, standing up and heading for the door.

"Arthur." Morgana called.

"It's ridiculous, Morgs." He said, stopping in the doorway and looking over his shoulder at her. "And I would appreciate you not blabbing about Merlin's dreams to anymore of your friends. It's none of their business." He said angrily.

"I didn't." She insisted.

"How else would Guinevere know?" He snapped, an inkling of doubt starting to niggle at the back of his brain. "Keep your mouth shut." He demanded. "I know that'll be hard for you, but give it a try. For once." He sneered. Morgana jerked back like he had hit her. He could tell she was struggling not to cry again as she looked at him. He felt remorse start to overtake him. His half-sister did not cry easily. She was normally so tough, strong.

"I have to go handle Merlin's check-in. I'll see you later." He said softly. He ducked his head and turned to leave.

"Don't do this Arthur, please." Morgana begged. He stopped, keeping his back to her.

"I have to." He said, his voice cracking. His sniffled loudly as he walked away, her sobs echoing after him.

Merlin groaned as he rolled onto his back. He had woken up in this white cell about an hour ago. A man had been sitting in a chair beside his bed, dressed in a doctor's coat. He had introduced himself as Dr. Wilson, but Merlin had recognized him. It was Gaius. He had seen him a couple of times at the events Arthur would drag him to, Dr. Gaius Wilson was a good friend of Uther Pendragon's. Merlin guessed that was how Arthur was able to get him committed. Gaius had spoken with him for a time about his "delusions," and told Merlin he believed him to be schizophrenic. Merlin had adamantly disagreed, but it didn't seem to matter what he thought. He was crazy. Merlin snorted.

"I'm not crazy." He muttered.

"Of course you're not." Merlin jumped, his head snapping to the side to see Arthur looking through the window in the door. His voice had come through a little box in the wall. There must be some sort of microphone communication system, Merlin thought. Merlin jumped off the bed and dashed over to the door, the white hospital gown they had forced him into swishing around his legs. His hands pushed against the cold metal, and he got his face as close to the small window as possible.

"If you think that then why am I here? Why are you doing this to me?" Merlin asked tearily. Earlier, after Gaius left, he had resolved to be strong. Soldier through what was happening. But one look at Arthur through the tiny window and his resolve crumbled.

"You need help, Merlin. The things you've been saying," Arthur trailed off, unable to look at his boyfriend.

"I'm okay." Merlin insisted, tears dripping down his cheeks.

"You're not okay." Arthur snapped, looking up at Merlin. "You're. Not. Okay." He said slowly, pausing between each word. "Ever since this all started you've stopped taking care of yourself. You won't eat. You won't sleep. You've lost so much weight. You're talking about being a warlock, and speaking in some made up language." Arthur said.

"It's medieval Welsh." Merlin yelled, hitting the door with his palm. Arthur jumped back for a second in surprise, before leaning forward, his eyes narrowing.

"It's nonsense." Arthur said lowly. "You need help, that's why I did this. I can't stand to see you like this." His cool demeanor quickly slipping away, replaced by a mask of pain. Merlin's anger left him at the sight. He lifted a hand to the glass, pressing his fingers against it. Arthur did the same.

"I love you, you idiot." Arthur said.

"I love you too, dollop head." Merlin said. Slowly, Arthur backed away from the door, his hand slipping from the window.

"No, no. Arthur." Merlin cried, panic consuming him. "Don't leave. Don't go. I don't want to stay here. I want to go home."

"I'm sorry, love." Arthur said, blinking rapidly to allay his tears. Merlin didn't even try to hide his.

"Arthur, please." Merlin begged. Arthur shook his head as he backed away.

"I have to go now. I'll come see you soon." Arthur said.

"Don't bother." Merlin yelled through his crying, slamming his hands against the door. "Don't bother. I don't want to see you." Arthur bit his lip as his tears started to flow freely down his face.

"I'm sorry." Arthur said before turning and starting to walk away. Merlin watched him go, now completely consumed by his panic.

"No, Arthur." He yelled. "I'm sorry. Come back, come back. Please. I want to go home. Come back." He cried. He was banging his fists on the door, the metal rattling loudly, but Arthur didn't turn back. He continued to walk away. Merlin watched him disappear from view, a cold empty feeling settling over him. He turned, sliding down the door to the floor. Arthur had left him here. Arthur had left him.

Arthur climbed into his Porsche, slamming the door shut. He placed his hands on the steering wheel, staring at it. He yelled out as he repeatedly slammed his hand down on the wheel. He grabbed it tight and shook himself back and forth, moving the whole car, still yelling. Finally he collapsed back into his seat, breathing hard. Tears poured down his cheeks, sobs ripping out of him. An overwhelming sense of guilt was taking over him, clawing at his insides. He also felt hurt, some of Merlin's last words ringing through his mind.

"Don't bother. I don't want to see you."

Arthur gasped loudly as another wave of sobs wracked his body. He loved Merlin so much it hurt. This hurt. Doing this was practically killing him. But it was necessary, wasn't it? Merlin needed help. He needed to get better. Flashes of the dream Arthur had had last night came to his mind. Merlin in a blue shirt with a red bandana around his neck, a goofy smile on his face as he ribbed Arthur. Arthur, dressed in chainmail with a sword, ribbing him back. Arthur shook his head violently, trying to rid himself of the image.

"It's not real." He said vehemently. It couldn't be. It wasn't humanly possible. Arthur slapped his tears away before starting the car and pulling out of his parking spot. As he drove away he looked in the rearview mirror at Whitchurch Hospital. They had to be able to help Merlin, they had to. If they couldn't help him, Arthur didn't know what he would do. He couldn't take seeing the person he loved most in all the world completely fall apart. Not again. It would kill him.