Uh, admins? Before you delete my account for this, please read the ending. ;)
All the fans on ff.net liked fanfics a lot -
But the Grinch, who lurked websites and MLs, did not.
The Grinch hated fanfics! The whole fandom craze!
Now please don't ask why, or we'll be here for days.
It could be the way authors disregard canon.
It could be, as well, how they tend to spread fanon.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been how their brains seemed two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, the grammar or gall,
He lurked the Just In section, hating them all,
Staring at the new fics with a sour, Grinchy frown,
And emailing admins to have porn taken down.
For he knew every fan who still wrote lemon fics
Was just rating it R, so they'd still get their kicks.
"And they still write for Anne Rice!" he snarled and spat.
"Though she's told them repeatedly not to do that!"
Then he growled, with fond daydreams of bashing and smiting,
"I must find some way to keep fangirls from writing!"
For tomorrow, he knew, when they rose from their naps,
They'd rewrite the canon. They'd treat it like crap!
And then! Oh, the caps! Oh, the caps!
Caps! Caps! Caps!
That's one thing he hated. The caps!
CAPS! CAPS! CAPS!
And the fics, new and old, would no doubt make him ill.
They'd misspell the word "quill". It's spelled "QUILL"!
QUILL! QUILL! QUILL!
They would misspell their fandom, and characters' names,
Which was something the Grinch found exceedingly lame!
And then they'd do something he liked not a bit!
Every fangirl on ff.net - gay, bi, or het -
Would pair up their their characters, pair them at random.
They'd make up cute pet names. They'd brainwash the fandom!
They'd slash! And they'd slash! And they'd SLASH!
SLASH! SLASH! SLASH!
And the more proof the Grinch found that they all smoked hash,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must do more than gnash!
Why, they've ruined my fandoms - I can't read them now!
I must stop these fangirls from writing! But how?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea!
"I know just what to do!" the Grinch said with fervor.
And he made an account upon ff.net's server.
And he chuckled and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!
I'll review all the fics that are making me sick!
All I need is a handle..." The Grinch looked about.
But his creative urges had long since died out.
Did that stop the old Grinch? No! The Grinch then proclaimed,
"If I can't find a good nick, I'll make one that's lame!"
So he looked at his tapes, and his PSX games,
And he randomly mangled some characters' names.
Then he clicked on the button, and went on his way,
With the name "Sailor-Quistis-Gainsborough-hime".
Then the Grinch said "Aha!" And he began his sting,
Clicking links till he found Anime/Gundam Wing.
All the fanfics were fluff. All the summaries trite.
All the authors bashed Relena Peacecraft with might,
Then he came to the first AU songfic rewrite.
"This is stop number one," Quistis-Gainsborough smirked,
And he clicked on the title, and he got right to work.
So he started to read it, though it made him flinch.
But if fangirls could read it, then so could the Grinch.
He felt ill more than once, and he thought he might retch -
Using Britney in Gundam Wing fic was a stretch.
But he read the whole thing, with a gleam in his eye.
"This author," he grinned, "is the first one to cry!"
When he'd shredded that fic, he moved on to another,
Which seemed to involve Trowa doing his brother.
Songfics! Bad yaoi! Chatroom fics! WAFF!
Sequelfics! Self-inserts! Crossover fluff!
He reviewed every one. Then the Grinch, with a mutter,
Moved on to the cesspool that was Harry Potter!
Then he moved on to Zelda, and even he blinked.
Had they all lost their minds? They'd paired Mido with Link!
He tore through that section as quick as a flash,
Why, that Grinch even read and reviewed the Sheik slash!
Then he hit Wild Arms, and a few Zero Wings,
"And now," grinned the Grinch, "I'll hit Lord of the Rings!"
And the Grinch left reviews, but then out of thin air,
A young girl appeared, leaning over his chair.
He'd bashed her with pride when he wrote his review -
Little Mary Sue Who, who had eyes of sky blue!
She was Legolas' lover, and Aragorn's daughter,
Who somehow claimed Hogwarts for her alma mater.
She stared at the Grinch, and she asked, "Quisty, why?
My author, she loves me! You might make her cry!"
But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a plan, and he thought it up quick.
"Why, my dear Mary Sue," he said, dripping with charm,
"I'm simply afraid that you might come to harm.
There's some orcs in this chapter. Oh, Mary, don't fear!
You shall remain safe, just as long as I'm here."
And she thought that like all men, he'd take her to bed,
But he bashed in her skull with his keyboard instead.
He'd considered that she might be right - but with luck,
He'd quickly remembered that Mary Sues suck.
When he'd cleaned, he continued on, fanning the fire!
He left honest opinions - he wasn't a liar,
Though leaving reviews full of hatred and ire.
And the one compliment that he left, he supposed,
Was to thank them for failing to finish their prose.
And he'd said the same thing to each other fic's author,
He'd offended them all - he'd become quite a bother.
It was quarter past dawn; all the authors still slept.
No more fics, no more squicks, and his promise he kept.
He'd reviewed the fic poems! The lemons! The drabbles!
The "next generation"s! The pages of babbles!
Some thousand reviews! At the old Just In section,
He poised to reload, waiting for the reaction.
"Oh, blast all the authors!" he declared with a smile.
"They're finding out now that their fics are all vile!
They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then they'll read their review, and they'll all cry 'Boo hoo!'
That's a thing," grinned the Grinch, "that I simply must see!"
So he paused, and reloaded, and cackled with glee.
Not long after, the files did start to appear.
They started with fear. Then continued with cheer.
But the fics were not good! Why, the fics were still crappy!
It couldn't be! Now the Grinch just was not happy!
He stared at the fanfics. The Grinch clicked a link.
Then he shook! What he read - it continued to stink!
Every fan at ff.net, the fangirls and freaks,
Was writing - without having read his critiques!
He hadn't stopped fanfics from stinking! They stunk!
Somehow or other, they stunk like a skunk!
And the Grinch, with his Grinch-cursor poised to hit "Back",
Sat puzzling and puzzling. "Is this an attack?
I told them 'No lemons!' I told them 'No drabbles!'
I told them 'No next generations or babbles!'"
And he puzzled three days; they continued to come.
Then the Grinch thought of something that made him feel dumb.
"Maybe fanfics," he thought, "aren't earnestly done.
Maybe fanfics, perhaps, are just written for fun!"
And what happened then? On ff.net they say,
That the Grinch loosened up, and stopped trolling that day.
And the minute his rules for grammar grew light,
He cast off his cares and he started to write.
And he wrote his own lemons - which got good reviews!
And he - he himself - the Grinch wrote some AUs.