Ah hello everybody! Welcome to my recently acquired, fanfic inspired, rewrite and re-tired 'The ANBU Genin'! This was greatly inspired by a fic of the same name by one sageof6way. I got his permission to write my own version of his early fic which was...less than desirable. Anywhosamawhatser, without further gilding the lily, and with no more ado, I give you siiiiirrrrrr uuulllllriiiiich von lichtenstein! Oh Gaia I crack myself up with that crap.

Warning: This story will contain graphic depiction of violence and gore. Sexual themes will be present.

Disclaimer: the usual spiel: I don't own Naruto, blah blah blah, copyrights, yadda yadda yadda. As per Usual I will only do this once.

Chapter 1: A Mission Assigned

"Are there any objections to the team placements?" an elderly man with greying hair and a pipe in his mouth asked to the room full of Jounin. A few murmurs of disappointment rang out from those few Shinobi who didn't get a genin squad or didn't get the team they wanted, but no-one said anything.

"Very well, you may all go," Sarutobi Hiruzen said as he looked back to the massive piles of paperwork that were always stacked on his desk. The aged Hokage sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Shadow, please come out."

Instantly, a form flickered into existence before the man, kneeling with one hand clenched, knuckles on the ground, and the other crossed over the raised knee.

"Yes, Hokage-sama?" the voice, though distorted by the mask, was obviously that of a young male, no older than ten.

"Take off your mask, you won't need it," the Third Hokage said as he shuffled through some papers, mostly requests for a certain blonde to be either exiled or executed.

"Hokage-sama?" the ANBU was clearly confused.

"I said, take off your mask. The assignment I'm about to give you won't require it."

The ANBU slowly, hesitatingly, reached up and removed the mask on his face, which was framed by wild, spiky locks of bright, sun-kissed blond hair, to reveal the stoic bewhiskered face of one Uzumaki-Namikze Naruto. His deep cerulean eyes glinted with confusion as he looked at his leader.

By day, Naruto was a well known prankster, and the Jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi no Kitsune, as well ass the most hated member of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, or Konohagakure. But by night, he was one of the most deadly ninja in Fire Country: the ANBU Shadow. Very few people knew that Naruto was already a Shinobi, and even fewer knew he was ANBU. Only three actually: the Third Hokage, Sarutobi Hiruzen, his son Asuma, and the ANBU Commander, Dragon.

Among the other ANBU it was believed that Shadow was some generic child from a clan, who excelled beyond the level of Uchiha Itachi, because his mask had a permanent SolidHenge that changed his hair color to a generic Konoha brown. He never spoke, he never interacted beyond hand signals and nods. And he had a reputation for being more bloodthirsty than both Uchiha Madara and Orochimaru combined on the battlefield.

"Your assignment, Naruto-kun, is to become an Academy student and keep an eye on Uchiha Sasuke. After the massacre, he's become a flight risk. I need you to ensure he stays in the village, even if you must beat him within an inch of his life."

"Hai, Hokage-jiji," Naruto said as he stood and assumed his daytime posture, that of a loud-mouth prankster who couldn't do a Bunshin to save his life. He then handed his mask to the elderly man before him. "Does that mean I'll have to act like an idiot all the time and become dead last in the class I'm joining?"

Hiruzen nodded without looking up at his adopted grandson. Try as they might, the Civilian Council couldn't stop the Hokage himself from adopting the village Pariah. The fact that Konohagakure was legally a military dictatorship didn't hurt either. Naruto sighed heavily and rubbed his temples in a circular motion trying to ward off the head-ache that was already forming. It reminded him of when he was adopted into the Sarutobi clan.

Flashback

"Where are we going jiji?" a four-year-old Naruto asked as Hiruzen led him along, holding his hand. The old man chuckled.

"We're going home, Naruto-kun."

"But jiji, my house is on the other side of town, in the opposite way." Naruto was intelligent for his age, a little slow on the uptake, but intelligent. The fact was the boy could be considered a genius. His pranks always went off perfectly, and usually were so multifaceted, that if you saw it coming, you wouldn't see the four other parts flying at you, which proved that the boy could do complex math, incorporating physics as well as human reaction, in his head. Not to mention he was a natural at psychology and reading people. He once made Ibiki Morino spill his greatest secret with one sentence.

But because of his well-known status, and his virtually unknown parentage, the Civilian Council barred him from any kind of schooling, and he was ignored to the point that he almost attempted suicide because he felt so lonely.

"Not anymore Naruto-kun. Now, you live with me and my family." suspicion flashed in the young child's eyes, and his voice took a steel edge, as sharp as any kunai.

"Jiji, that's a cruel joke. We both know the council won't let me happy." The way he said it, like it was cold, hard, irrefutable fact broke Hiruzen's heart.

"They have no say, Naruto-kun. My family has legally adopted you, and anyone who doesn't like it will have to deal with it," he stated softly, looking at the boy, who was slowly beginning to realize that it wasn't a joke. His eyes began to light up, before something occurred to him.

"Will I have to call you tou-san now?" he sounded genuinely dismayed. Hiruzen chuckled.

"No, Naruto-kun, you still call me jiji. I didn't adopt you, my son Asuma did. He felt left behind by the fact his younger sister, now your aunt Kasi, is having a child in a few months while he has yet to make any move on his crush. So, he decided to adopt you because he knew you needed a family."

"Asuma-sama? You mean square-beard?" Naruto asked with a foxlike squint at his jiji, and the Kami of Shinobi had to bust out laughing at the nickname.

"Yes, Naruto-kun, square-beard is your new tou-san." He managed between his laughter.

During the course of the small conversation, they had made it to the Sarutobi compound, and were greeted by a small crowd of people. At the front was a tall man with a thin line of chin hair, which connected his side-burns to his chin with a triangular goatee, he wore a standard Konoha Jounin flak jacket, and had a white cloth on his waist, with the kanji for 'fire'. His brown hair was swept back behind his headband. An unlit cigarette hung from his mouth and he leaned against the wall in a relaxed manner, talking to a plain-looking man.

On his other side stood a woman of average height, but with a petite build and her stomach heavy with a child. She had long brown hair that reached down to her waist, and was held to the side with a hair clip. A gentle smile graced her face as the man with the cigarette cracked a small joke.

Naruto shuffled behind the robe of his jiji, nervous around so many people, as it usually led to beatings and death threats.

Just then, Asuma saw his father and his new son, and his face lit up in a brilliant reassuring smile. "Hey, come on out."

With a nudge from the aged Hokage, Naruto shuffled out of hiding and scuffed the ground with his two-sizes-too-small sandals.

Asuma knelt down and rested his hand on Naruto's head. "It's all okay now, Naru-chan. You're home musuko," he said quietly so only the boy could hear him as he moved his hand to his shoulder.

Tears sprang up in Naruto's eyes as he finally heard someone call him 'my son', which had been his greatest dream since he could understand he had no family. To be loved.

"Tou-chan..." he sobbed out quietly as he lunged into Asuma's arms and began wailing into his shoulder as the man wrapped his arms around the boy in a protective hug.

"Shhh. It's alright now." the boy sobbed harder and wouldn't stop for another hour.

End Flashback

Over the past six years Naruto had been trained to be Shinobi, and risen through the ranks quite quickly. He'd been a Chuunin at the age of eight, Tokubetsu Jonin at nine, and half a year later been put into the ANBU Black-Ops. He'd originally wanted to be Kitsune, Fox, but both Dragon and Hiruzen thought it would be a dead giveaway with his hair, so he was assigned to Codename Shadow, the only ANBU to not have an animal mask. And he lived up to his name; he could disappear without a trace in seconds.

Asuma chose that moment to walk in without knocking. "Hey pops, hey Naru. What's going on?"

"Jiji just gave me an assignment," Naruto grumbled loudly, crossing his arms for added effect, and stuck his lower lip out in a pout. "Tou-chan, can you make him take it back?" he pleaded his dad, breaking out his most vicious weapon: the fox eyes beg no jutsu. Asuma nearly caved right there, without knowing what the mission was.

"Wha-what's the mission?" he managed to get out after looking away from his manipulative son.

"I have to go to the academy for three years and keep an eye on Sasuke. I'll legally be bumped back to civilian until graduation! And then I'll be a Genin! Dad, I'll have to go through all that crap all over again!" he shouted loudly, quite aware the Hokage had already activated the privacy seals in the room.

Asuma looked at his father. "Really pops?"

"Plus I have to intentionally be dead last!" Asuma groaned loudly and facepalmed.

"Unfortunately, that is the only way to ensure that he ends up on the same team as Sasuke, considering Sasuke is Rookie of the Year, and doesn't seem to be anywhere close to losing his position. So, yes, Naruto-kun must play the part of an idiot."

"Is he at least getting paid for this?"

"S-rank, every month with his 'allowance'," Hiruzen said calmly without looking up from his papers. It was obviously a losing fight. Suddenly Naruto stiffened momentarily, before relaxing again.

"Jiji, Shimura Danzo is about to enter the tower, presumably to request I be immediately trained by ROOT again, since he doesn't know I'm already a Shinobi."

"How do you..."

"Shadow Clones, Jiji."

A look of understanding flashed across Hiruzen's face, then a quick sequence of realization, irritation, and pure loathing.

"BAKA! BAKA! BAKA!" each one punctuated by his slamming his face onto the desk while his hands tear at his hair. Both Naruto and Asuma were about to jump forward, fearing the man had gone crazy, but he stood quickly and formed Naruto's favorite hand sign.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" three solid clones popped into being, then immediately began in on the paperwork, grumbling slightly. "How I never connected the dots on that, I'll never know! 'The Professor' my ancient ass!" Asuma gaped at his father, then chuckled slightly. Naurto had a much more extreme reaction; he began rolling on the ground clutching his stomach, laughing so hard it could be heard through the privacy seals.

"Oh be quiet, Naruto-kun," snapped his grandfather. Naruto was instantaneously standing at attention, his face completely straight.

"Good. Now then, seeing as you start school in three months, a year late I might add, you must get into the habit of sleeping during the night, and not taking occasional naps during the day," a look of abject horror came over the blond jinchuuriki's face. He hadn't actually slept in three years, not since the night terrors had begun.

"Oh come on jiji! I'll be fine! Just please don't make me take more than naps!" he was on his knees, clawing at the Hokage robes with tears beginning to stream down his face.

"Why are you so afraid of sleeping Naruto-kun?"

"Pops...Naru has night terrors. If he's asleep longer than thirty minutes, he begins thrashing and screaming. He woke up Konohamaru quite a few times before he started the nap schedule," Asuma explained as he pulled his son from the ground and gave him a fatherly hug while shushing him quietly. While Naruto was a hardened warrior, he was still a child who cried for his daddy. Asuma still didn't know what the terrors were actually about, but he knew they always left Naruto absolutely broken, clinging to him for days on end. He wondered what could make on of the deadliest Ninja in Fire Nation cry like a baby and act like a scared four-year-old again, but then again, he really didn't want to know.

Shock registered on Hiruzen's face, and he looked at Naruto, who was cowering behind Asuma, an action so unusual the past few years, it made him realize just how bad the dreams must be.

"Very well, but you must act like a ten-year-old boy who has had no previous training, understood?" Naruto nodded quickly, fully willing to act like a loud-mouth idiot twenty-four/seven as long as he didn't have to sleep long enough for the dreams to set in.

"Ok Naruto-kun, go home. You have some adjusting to do."