A/N

I have no excuse for this whatsoever. And I have no excuse for diving into this one when I still have other fics in progress, but I will pick them up, I promise.

I am so bad at writing hetero fics, and I have never had a relationship with a man - in any aspect of the word - so I apologise fiercely for everything I get backwards, but these two are too funny to write to avoid because of personal inexperience. Also, I know undercover work is mainly done by police and not FBI, but if they can do canon it in the X-files, then I can fanfictionalise it in Criminal Minds.

Later chapters are likely to become M-rated, given that I'm able to pull that off. LOL

It's written tongue-in-cheek, so don't take it too seriously. Enjoy!

"Mrs Luanne 'Lulu' Cambers Santangelo?" Blake said and put her undercover identity papers down with a look of slight disgust on her face. "That sounds like a character out of a Jackie Collins novel."

"Does anybody still read Jackie Collins?"

"I'm just saying, it's so over the top people will notice."

"I agree. My name sounds like a mobster. Hotch, this won't work. We're supposed to blend in at this upper middle class suburban neighbourhood, we can't afford anything that sticks out." He gave Blake a playful glance. "Though Lulu would be a cute name on you."

"Listen here, Mister Sicilian Cartel," she began but Hotch cut in.

"You're right, ID department have to change the names. How about Richard and Angela Moore. Angela born Campbell. Is that good?"

"I can work with that," Blake said and shrugged. Then she couldn't help throwing a dagger in Rossi's direction. "Richie."

"I was thinking of a nickname more along the lines of Big Rick," Rossi said. Blake opened her mouth to deliver a scathing reply, but Hotch once more interfered.

"Not a word, Alex. Dave, careful. You can't divorce this wife as easily as you divorced your previous three, so don't start your marriage by annoying her."

Blake raised her eyebrows.

"You heard the man."

Rossi shook his head, smiling a little.

"My apologies, Angela."

"Apology accepted, Richie."

JJ turned to Morgan and mouthed;

"They sure sound like a married couple already."

Morgan nodded and grinned.

"They've been eyeing each other for months, if playing married won't get them together, nothing will."

"So, here it is, our new home. For the next four months or so at least," Rossi stated as they parked outside the house the FBI had gotten for the undercover assignment. "Looks kind of nice. Never thought I'd live in the suburbs though."

"I almost said it must be quieter than living in the city, but then I recalled the reason we're here," Alex sighed and unbuckled her seat belt. "Will you carry me across the threshold?"

"I thought you were a modern woman."

She elbowed him in the ribs, and not particularly gently either.

"I was just kidding. Also, I'm not as heavy as the tone of your voice implied. Oh, before we step out of this car and into character, there are a few things we probably should go through. I mean, we're going to live together more or less 24/7. So, to avoid any nasty surprises, here goes: I'm not a morning person. Serving coffee, no questions asked, may save your life before 10 am. According to witnesses, I snore. I talk to myself. I never wear makeup on weekends. And I snack. A lot."

He chuckled, but Alex didn't flinch.

"I'm serious. The moment I leave the job, I snack. Everything I can get my hands on. Cookies, popcorn, cheesecake, peanuts, Skittles, sunflower seeds…"

"Sunflower seeds?"

"My point is, just make sure you never take the last of anything edible, and it's all gonna be fine. That's pretty much it. Any quirks I need to know about you?"

"Well… I never put the toilet seat down."

She opened her jacket just enough to give him a quick glimpse of her gun.

"Yes, you do."

"Yes, I do," he repeated, eyes wide and disbelieving. God, who knew Alex could be so bossy?

"Good boy."

She stepped out of the car and began walking towards the house. He called out after her;

"Hey, did you speak to James like that?"

"Didn't have to, he was potty trained!" she shot back over her shoulder. Dave snorted and looked up to the sky, as if asking for divine strength.

What have I gotten myself into?