UPDATED TO STATE: THIS IS NOT A STORY UPDATE, IT'S A LIFE UPDATE.

Hi Ya'll-

First, I want to say that I hope everyone is doing well and still in love with my favorite couple of ALL time!

It's been over a year since I have updated! I wanted to give everyone an update on what has been going on with me. I did what I promised I wouldn't do.

Yes- I abandoned the story.

I have my reasons. No, it wasn't the very hateful "kill myself" reviews I got. Or the reviews that said they were no longer going to read my story... yeah, those got to me... but not as much as real life got to me.

The following deals with really emotional pregnancy topics- so emotional for me that I am wasn't able to go back and read through it for mistakes. So bare with me and try to edit yourself as you read. My pain is still very real and strong. And this- is taking a lot from me to do. But, I have had several PM's and reviews asking me to update. This is why I can't focus on updating or anything else but me right now.

My last update states that I was sick. I was. I was actually admitted into the hospital and a very good friend of mine, posted that mini blurb that I would be back soon.

I had, what we thought at that time, to be sever vertigo. My head was spinning, I was dehydrated, I couldn't keep anything down. The doctors actually wanted me to just be comfortable so I was given Meclizine and they had me hooked up to an IV for hydration. I was in there two and half days before they sent me home.

I was still feeling horrible, but I wasn't as sick as I was. I actually slept all day.

One day, July 28th 2016, my doctor called me and said she wouldn't fill a prescription if I didn't take a pregnancy test. Yes, I missed my July period, but I assumed it was the change of medications when I was diagnosed with vertigo. And yes, we had begun trying for a baby again, after 3 years of infertility (2012-2015), but of course I wouldn't get pregnant in my first month of trying... right?

WRONG

I got pregnant in June of 2016!

Unfortunately, the blood work didn't show good news. I wasn't even able to celebrate my pregnancy. On July 30th, they told me that my pregnancy was not viable from my hCG levels. After one month of denial... blood work every other day, ultrasounds every week with no heartbeat, we had to make the decision to terminate the pregnancy because my body wasn't responding to the miscarriage. They called it a missed miscarriage. The sak had continued to grow to measurements of 12 weeks, but my baby stopped growing at 6.

I was devastated. Heartbroken.

My OB, recommended for us to have Cytotec pills placed at the opening of my cervix to provoke dilation. This was to avoid a surgery (for many reasons, including my body doesn't respond well to the anesthesia). On August 26th, we had the Cytotec placed and we came home. I dilated and went through extreme amounts of pain... but my body REFUSED to give up the pregnancy. On August 30th, I had my second, stronger dose of Cytotec placed and we came home to start the process over. If it didn't work, I would be booked for a D&C.

My body, refused to cooperate. I did pass the product of conception, but that was it. Something that I witnessed and thought I was going to die when I saw it. My husband had to hold me up in the bathroom and dispose of our baby. At that moment- I knew I wouldn't be the same.

I fell into a deep depression. Not only did I lose my baby, the physical pain of it, the seeing it, the having to dispose of it. My mental state was not in a good place.

In late October, I started an anti-depression medication and slowly started to come out of it. In December, we made the choice to try again. I was excited and very emotional at the same time.

February 4th, my period refused to start, I tested for the hell of it. POSITIVE... February 6th, I began spotting. But my HCG numbers were rising appropriately. My doctor wasn't concerned. February 9th, yes the day Darker released, I was at the movie theater with a big group of friends, and the bleeding and extreme pain started. I rode with my friends, and pulled through the movie- no, I didn't enjoy it at all. I got home and the bleeding stopped and the pain had become more bearable.

Early February 10th, I went into my family doctor (because my OB/Specialist are 3.5 hours away- that is what happens when you live in rural cities). He checked me and said there was good news- my cervix was completely closed. So I wasn't miscarrying at that moment. My hCG was continuing to rise and that bleeding is common in early pregnancy. Not normal, but common. My progesterone was a tad low, and I started on serum shots.

February 11th, I went into the ER with horrible localized left pelvic pain. I couldn't walk, I could barely breathe. Everything hurt. I had an emergency ultrasound done that showed blood in my left ovary and what appeared to be a fibroid. They were not able to see the pregnancy, but we thought I was too early anyway. My HCG continued to rise and my cervix was closed still- so I wasn't miscarrying. My white blood cell count was extremely high however and the bleeding was a lot. Both which was concerning because the doctor couldn't find an infection (for the elevated white blood cell count) and why was I bleeding so much if the my cervix was closed. He told me, you have to see an OB. I advised him that my appointment was in six days, on the seventeenth. He told me, "i would not wait that long you need to see someone sooner." I refused the pain meds because I was not putting the pregnancy at risk.

He sent me to the OB that comes once a week to our town. I went to the appointment on Tuesday, February 14th... he did his own ultrasound and he determined that the fibroid was a mass that should be monitored, but was not in my uterus or ovary, so it was not of concern to the pregnancy at the moment. He confirmed that my uterus was thick and that we should be able to see the baby at any moment, the next day even. My hCG levels continued to rise, my cervix remained close, the bleeding continued and the pain... to all which he said was not uncommon in early pregnancy. I made an appointment for the following week to have another ultrasound, "to confirm what he already knew, everything was perfect."

HE WAS WRONG

I kept my appointment with the my regular doctor because, hello- who sees a mass and doesn't want to explore it more?February 17th- After another extremely painful ultrasound, I got the devastating news... my pregnancy was Ectopic (An ectopic pregnancy is a pregnancy outside of the uterus). I had what appeared to be a large blood clot, a cyst, and a 2.5 inch baby (they think I was further along then what we assumed) in my left fallopian tube... and it was in the beginning stages of rupture. The fibroid? The mass? Wrong and wrong... it was my baby.

I begged my doctor to save my fallopian tube as it is vital for conceiving, her answer was that she was pretty sure she wasn't going to be able to- again... I was devastated. I almost refused to sign the release forms. My husband begged me to. I became numb- and did. They called in a special OR team... and I was taking for surgery immediately. My husband and I didn't have time to digest anything. It was all so fast...

The surgery took approximately one hour, but my recovery was awful. They couldn't wake me up and when they did, they had to put me out again to reinsert the breathing tube because my oxygen levels weren't rising and I was getting very little oxygen into my lungs. I was in recovery for about six hours... as opposed to the normal 1/2-1 hour. During this time, the nurses either forgot or were too worried to inform my husband what was going on. When they finally wheeled my bed back into the room... my husband was an emotion wreck. I was in the room with him for approximately five minutes when they took me away again. They had to insert anesthesia blocks because apparently I was in a lot of pain.

I was released on Monday and we made our way back home- I was more than devastated. More than heartbroken. I didn't want to live. Not only did I lose my baby... I lost my fallopian tube. How was I going to complete my dream and become a mom?

After many weeks, I started the medication again, and began therapy. I pray everyday for my miracle, but almost everyday I lose a little hope too. We haven't tried again- because I am scared to. But, we hope to start again in a few months. I have to put it in God's hands and pray for the best. Which, has been very hard for me to do.

Obviously, I read Tara Kuper's update and it brought back A LOT of emotions for me. My experience was nothing near as what she updated, but still very real and very heart breaking for ME.

Will I finish the story? I hope to. Eventually.

I wanted to update you guys on my real life, because I didn't lose interest, or become bored, or just get tired of my story... I had real life, heartbreaking issues to go through- that I am STILL going through.

Any comments, words of encouragement, personal experiences that may give me any hope are appreciated, but what I can most use right now? Are prayers... prayers for me to have my faith restored. Prayers for me to heal emotionally. Prayers for me to have my miracle/rainbow baby with no invasive treatments (IVF- it's not in the financial cards for us right now- but if comes down to that... we are willing to try it).

Thank ya'll for your support- and eventually I hope to come back to this story and finish it!

Joskris.