Say Something

"Hey," he says, approaching me with two cups of coffee in his hand.

"Seriously? Your coffee delivery is the slowest ever," I complain, but with smile on my face.

"Sorry, your majesty. I was... Held up."

"By what?" I ask, squinting my eyes.

"Don't you know?" He asks, frowning.

"Know what?"

"Never mind."

There's something off about him. But I don't blame him. He's been through a lot lately.

He hands me the coffee and I slowly take a sip, enjoying the warmth.

"So...?" He says, staring at me carefully.

"So what?"

"Are you going to miss me?"

"You mean you're going somewhere?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

"No need to apologize. But why?"

"I just have to..." He stares at the sky for a moment.

"Is it dangerous? Where are you going?"

"No. It's not dangerous at all. I'd be dying to bring you with me, in fact."

"Then why don't you?"

"Because, I'd be very selfish to do so. And I love you."

"You're not making any sense. Why is it selfish? Where are you going?"

He smiles, and his beautiful blonde hair ruffles in the wind.

"Jace?"

"I'll be back soon, okay?"

Then, he stands up and stares at the quiet ocean behind me. Wait what? We were in a park just a few moments ago.

"I love you," he whispers.

"I love you too. But is there something wrong? You're acting really weird and it's scaring me."

"Don't fall for someone else too fast, okay?"

"Jace?"

Then a wind blows. It's strong. And Jace, my Jace starts breaking into pieces.

"Jace! No!"

I desperately put my arms around me, but soon, there is nothing. Nothing at all.

Caffeine helps. Definitely. I sip my drink, playing with my stele. I touch the object carefully, liking the way it feels against my skin.

I close my eyes, trying to sort my thoughts. The cold air doesn't help, so I decide to take a warm shower. I strip and turn the water on, letting the clear liquid cascade down my body. I clean myself fast, enjoying the warmth. Then, when I'm done, when I have nothing left to do except for breathing in and out, I finally let everything out. I collapse on the wet surface, burying my face in my hands.

I let out a strangled sound, wishing it will wash away my pain. It doesn't. But it does release my anger. Toward Jonathan and toward Valentine. Toward me.

I sob loudly since there is no one in the house except for me. I weep for the boy who I loved so much. Who I still love so mich. Who I'll never stop loving.

I think about his soft blonde hair. I think about his beautiful golden eyes. I think about his strong arms which used to wrap around me everytime I felt like this. Those are the things I'd never be able to see again. Those are the things that don't belong to me anymore. They're gone, just like him.

It never stops. The pain. It probably never will. But I keep myself busy. Not daring to think about him. But at night, the most violent, yet the most silent time of the day I feel my body slowly dying.

The nightmares greet me insidiously, killing me slowly and painfully. And last night, once again, I dreamed about him. If I just grabbed him more tightly in my dream, maybe he might've stayed. Just like he could have if I didn't leave the house that night. Just like he could have if I didn't say those words. The words he last heard from me.

When I answer the door, Simon is standing outside.

"Hey. Mind if I come in?"

"No. What's up?"

"Just wondering how you were doing," he says, walking inside and taking his coat off.

"Or more like checking if I attempted suicide?" I ask jokingly, though my tone remains serious.

"Or more like helping you not to attempt suicide. Come on. Let's do something fun."

"Fun like what?"

"Do you wanna build a snowman?" He asks, mimicking the song.

"Simon," I say, glaring at him. "You know I hate that song."

"It doesn't have to be a snowman," he says, shrugging, making me smile a little.

"Okay, stop. I'll stop moping around but just stop singing that."

"Alright. So, what do you want to do?"

"We could talk about the reason why you're always so childish."

"I'm so not childish. Actually, that just reminds me," he says, then starts tickling me.

"Stop! Stop! Simon freaking Lewis!"

"At least I made you laugh. Come on. Do you want to bake some cookies?"

"Simon," I say, sighing. "I really don't feel like hanging out. I kind of want to be alone right now."

"Oh please. You were laughing just a few seconds ago!"

"Well, you tickled me."

"You want me to do it again to make you laugh?"

"No. I just... Can you please leave?"

"Clary. I know it hurts, but you need to learn to move on. Isabelle did, at least."

"No, she didn't. She's just better at pretending."

And it's not her fault that he died.

"Well, at least you can try. To have some fun."

"I don't want to have some fun."

"Correction. You need to have some fun. Come on, we're watching a movie."

"Fine," I say, knowing whatever I say can't change his mind.

"So...? How about the Fault in our-"

"No."

"About ti-"

"Simon."

"Okay. No romance."

"Can we watch like a comedy or something?"

"Alright. Pitch Perfect it is."

The movie actually turned out to be okay. Well, except for the kissing part...

He turned the thing off when they started to kiss, so not much damage done.

"Hey. You alright?"

"Yup," I tell him, though obviously I'm not. "Tell me, how many guys do you think had sex with Stacie?"

He laughs, not answering my question and shoves more popcorn in his mouth.

"I need to go now, or else I'm dead."

"A date with Isabelle?" I ask, a little disappointed.

Although I didn't like the idea of him coming over at first, I don't want him to leave either now.

"Yup."

"Well, better get going if you like your fingers."

"Probably," he say laughing.

Then, he notices me disappointed look even though I tried really hard to hide it.

"Hey, I can cancel the date, you know."

"No. This will be hard for Isabelle too. He was her brother, so yeah."

"Alright. But if you need me, you know I'm just a phone call away."

"I'll be fine. Well, have fun!"

"Yeah. Bye."

The silence visits me again, leaving me empty.

Despite the cold, I open up the window, just to numb my pain.

The wind is strong, slapping my face. Each slap seems to tell me how it was all my fault. How I didn't acknowledge his limit and fear. How I could have saved him, but didn't.

Swallowing my tears, I let the wind punish me.

"Jace. I'm sorry. Ever since his death... I knew something was off with you. And I knew you needed my help. I knew something else was going on. But I didn't help you. Because... Because I was so scared. That you've changed. I was scared of you. For you. And I'm sorry I ignored your pain. I thought... I thought everything will go back to normal if I shut everything out. So I shut you out. But if I can... If I can take it back... I would listen to you. I'm so sorry," my voice is now a whisper, filled with sorrow and shame. "If you can hear me... Please. Say something. Anything."

But there is only wind. Because he's gone. For real.

I stand up, close the window and head outside. To Pandemonium. Where I can forget everything.

"Clary?" Someone behind me says over the loud music, making me turn around.

To my surprise, it's Trey. I had a few classes with him at school before, but we were never that close. His light brown hair and green eyes make me feel like the days before. Before everything happened. When I was normal.

"Hey! Didn't think I would see you here," I say, each word slurred because of the alcohol I've used to wash away my pain.

"Are you... Drunk?"

"Maybe?" I reply, giggling like a little girl.

"Wow... I've never seen you drunk before."

"Well, now you have."

"So hey, since we haven't seen each other for long, do you want to go for a dance?"

I don't hesitate even for a second.

"Sure."

Okay, so I just want to tell you that I haven't read TMI for so long, there would be a lot of mistakes. So please review and correct me. I know this isn't a good idea, but my mom doesn't let me read fantasies anymore, and I really wanted to write this, so I'm taking the risk.

The story is set after Valentine's death. And after... Well, after Alec dies. Yeah, I really like him, but I had to kill him as well as Jace. Becsuse of this, Clary is devastated and decide to forget about being a shadowhunter and go back to normal life. So enjoy!