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Shifting Sands, Flowing Tides

Chapter 2

by Kate04

Andy walked down to the beach and along the water, his pace unhurried. She would not go too far and it would probably not hurt to give her a few minutes to digest the news. His hands curled into tight fists once again as he recalled the cruel words Jack had hurled at him and he wished Provenza had let him punch the idiot in the face a few times. His anger had its root, not so much in his own broken heart, as in the anguish he had seen in Sharon's eyes. He had known for more than two decades and had come to terms with it. For Sharon it was news, even though it had happened years ago. He had hoped to spare her the pain; she was never supposed to find out. Now that she had, they would have to talk about it and he would have to explain why he had kept it from her. What would happen with their relationship afterwards he did not know, and the thought of losing her once again made his stomach heavy with dread.

He had walked a few minutes when he found one of her shoes abandoned in the sand, the other one several yards farther down the beach. Picking them up, he wandered along the edge of the water, his eyes on the lone figure he spotted in the distance. When he came closer, Andy sighed in resignation, dropping her sandals and shedding his own shoes and socks, leaving them next to hers. With a shake of his head and a deep breath, he waded into the cold water to join her. As he approached, Andy studied her, standing motionless in the ocean, fully clothed, the waves lapping around her hips, begging her to come closer, to give herself over to their siren call, but for the moment she seemed content to ignore their beckoning. Her eyes were on the horizon and he would have thought her completely at peace, had it not been for the silent tears that ran down her cheeks, a strong and steady flood of salt water like the one surrounding her. Sharon Raydor broke quietly. She shattered with grace and dignity and witnessing it ripped his heart apart.

Standing beside her, close enough that their arms touched, he stared into the distance as well. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around her and hold her close, to shelter her from the harsh reality, but he knew she would not let him. All he could do was wait for her to break the silence, to ask the questions he knew she was burning to get answered. When she did, he almost did not hear her quiet words over the sound of the waves.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Of all the questions that had been running through her head in the last fifteen minutes, that was the most pressing one. For some strange reason the fact that Andy had known about that affair and kept it from her hurt more than the affair itself. She could not look at him, her own pain more than she could handle. "He came back to you and you seemed to be okay. The truth would only have ruined that. You loved him so much. I didn't want to hurt you."

Sharon closed her eyes in a hopeless attempt to stem the fresh flow of tears. He sounded so wounded, so desperate and she wished she had something to offer him to take his pain away, but all she had was more pain to add to his. Blindly searching for his hand, she clasped it in hers, lacing her fingers through his. It was not much, but it was all there was to give.

"How long?" There was no need to elaborate. He knew what she wanted to know. He had wondered about that for more than twenty years and still had no answer. "I don't know when it started, but I can tell you when it ended." At her faint nod he continued. "Do you remember the Michaels case in '86?" Of course she remembered. It was one of those cases that could not be forgotten. Samuel Michaels had brutally killed his pregnant wife and two young children. After they had chased him around town for a day and a half, he had shot himself in the head.

"Yes, I remember." The case was not everything she recalled of that time. It had been their first really tough case and they had decided to have a drink before heading home or, in her case, a cup of tea. It had been late afternoon, leaving them several hours before they were expected by their spouses. They had known each other since her first few weeks on patrol and they had become friends pretty much from the start. Andy also knew Jack, having shared a few drinks with the other man. Before long, they had developed a solid friendship between the four of them, Andy's wife Amanda completing their odd little group. Sharon and Amanda had become pregnant the same year. Emily was born only seven months after Charlie. Being parents had only drawn them closer together, experiences and babysitting duty shared among them as often as possible. That night, things between them had changed, however.

When they had finished their drinks, Andy helped her into her coat, his hand landing on the small of her back as they moved through the crowded bar towards the exit. The evening air was refreshing, if not especially cold, but it was a welcome change from the stuffy, smoke-filled bar. Taking a deep breath, she stopped and turned towards him, giving him an uncertain look. "Would you mind taking a walk? I could use some fresh air." That was only partly true and his narrow-eyed stare told her that he was aware of that.

They walked in silence for a while, their thoughts still on their latest case. What they had encountered at the crime scene would probably stay with them forever. And yet, Sharon had something else on her mind as well. It had bothered her for a while now and she desperately needed someone else's perspective. Putting her concerns into words was harder than she had anticipated, however. In the end, she decided to just blurt it out. "Do you think I'm unattractive?"

His startled cough and the owlish blink that followed made her laugh despite her embarrassment. "Why would you even ask that?" he croaked, coughing again to clear his voice. She shrugged, her eyes firmly on the ground in front of her. "I don't know. It's just that Jack… you know… he doesn't really seem all that interested anymore. I mean, it's not as if it doesn't happen at all. Just not very often and it feels a little bit as if it were a chore for him. And I guess a lot of it is because of my work hours. Most nights I'm at work and during the day there's Emily and housework and grocery shopping and cooking. What little time I have in between I usually spend sleeping. All that kind of kills the passion, I guess, but it's not just that. He doesn't really look at me anymore. I know that I put on some weight when I had Emily and things aren't as tight as they used to be." She shrugged again, her face warm with shame at her uncharacteristic rambling.

He grabbed her hand, wrapping it in his and pulling her around to face him, effectively stopping them both. "Okay, listen to me. In no way whatsoever are you unattractive, do you hear me?" His free hand brushed a stubborn strand of hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear, his fingers gently caressing her cheek as he stared into her eyes. She was unable to look away, completely caught in the spell he was casting over her with his intense gaze, his deep, rumbling voice and his tender touch. He placed a soft kiss on her forehead, letting his lips linger close to her skin, his breath feathering over it with every word as he went on.

"You're beautiful."

A kiss on her left cheek.

"You're kind."

Another one on her right cheek.

"You're brave."

His lips on her right ear sent a pleasant shiver through her.

"You're funny."

A brief flick of his tongue against her pulse point drew a moan from her and her arms slipped around his neck.

"You're incredibly sensual."

This time, his lips brushed against the corner of her mouth and it was her undoing. Turning her head slightly, she captured his lips with hers, her tongue teasing slightly until he groaned his surrender. What had started tender and shy soon turned into a passionate battle for dominance, neither willing to give in as tongues caressed and explored and teeth nipped. She buried her hands in his hair, nails scraping over his scalp in an attempt to pull him closer. His fingers wandered along her spine, all the way down to the small of her back and then even lower, cupping her firm cheeks in both hands and drawing her against him. She felt him hot and ready, grinding into the soft pillow of her belly and it sent sparks of desire through her veins. How long had it been since someone had wanted her like that? How long since Jack had last looked at her with that kind of passion and longing in his eyes?

Sharon was not blind. She had noticed how handsome Andy was and she had occasionally wondered what it would be like to feel his large, strong hands on her, but it was never more than a silly fantasy, something to entertain her for a brief second when she was lonely. To have that fantasy come alive against her, underneath her eager lips and hands, was so much more than she could ever have imagined. It was like a drug and she did not know if she would be able to stop. How could she, when it felt so good, so right? It was more than pure lust, more than pent up frustration and the lingering scent of death from their case.

Over the last several years they had built a solid friendship. There was shared joy and laughter, memories and pain, endless nights of breaking up brawls and picking up drunks, of poring over evidence and celebrating victories, there was trust and affection and maybe somewhere along the line it had merged into something deeper, something they had refused to even consider because it was forbidden. Until he kissed her – or she kissed him.

All those carefully hidden somethings suddenly broke free, washing over them like a spring tide, pulling them along and throwing them about. She felt helpless in the unexpected flood of desire, the fierce need to merge her body with his, to lose herself in him and watch him come apart in the safety of her arms. It was the sensation of his hands caressing her breasts, the sudden, overwhelming hunger for skin on skin that broke her out of her haze.

Pulling out of the kiss, she rested her forehead against his chin, her hands clasping his and trapping them between their bodies. She struggled to regain her breath, tears burning behind her closed lids as she gathered the courage to say what they both needed to hear. "Andy, we can't," she whispered, choking on the words. "We're married. It wouldn't be right."

His fingers tightened around hers and she felt a tremor run through him. He sounded terribly sad, almost hopeless and it made her heart clench painfully. "Then why does it feel so perfect? Why is this, here in your arms, the most at home I've felt in months if it's not meant to be? I don't think I can stop wanting you."

A soft sob shook her slight frame as she lost the battle against her tears and she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close as if holding on to him would save her from drowning in despair. "I know, but we have to try. I love him, Andy." It sounded like an apology, like she was trying to convince herself as much as him. They held each other for a long time, neither willing to let go. She knew things between them would never be the same. She wanted to believe that they could go back to being friends, but that was naïve. How would she ever be able to look at him again and not think about his hands in her hair and the taste of his lips on hers?

Eventually, she stepped away, one hand resting over his heart and her eyes locked with his. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, but she did not care, hardly noticed them at all. They were a mere afterthought, irrelevant background noise to the discordant symphony of breaking hearts. How had she not noticed before what he had come to mean to her? How had she missed this? But those questions where unimportant as well. Nothing good would come of dwelling on the impossible. They were married and they had children to think about. And it was not just Emily anymore.

Andy tried to pull her back into his embrace, his own eyes shining with unshed tears as he shook his head in denial. "I don't want to lose you, Sharon." He sounded so lost and her chest ached with what she had to do to him, to them. She wanted nothing more than to give in, to grab his hand and run, and she would probably do it if it were just Jack waiting for her at home.

She forced herself to look at him, to witness the moment she shattered his last bit of hope, refusing to hide from it. "I'm sorry Andy, but I have to think about my children. They need their father." She saw his eyes dim with understanding, but they both needed her to say it, to put it out there to make absolutely clear why what they wanted was unattainable. "I'm pregnant," she whispered, her voice hitching as she saw his eyes close, moisture clinging to his lashes. He nodded, took a deep, shuddering breath and stepped away from her, letting his arms fall to his sides, his shoulders slumped.

He would not look at her again, his head tilted back as if he was listening to the stars for some kind of wisdom. Touching her hand to the spot over his heart, gentle and lingering, she thought that a considerable part of her would probably always reside in that place, just as she would take part of him away with her. Then she turned around and walked away, towards home, towards her husband and daughter, towards what should be, leaving her could-have-beens behind.

Yes, Sharon still remembered that day. She had never been the kind of person who dwelled on decisions once she had made them, but over the years she had found herself wondering from time to time. Where would she be now if she had not walked away from him that night? How would their lives have played out if they had decided to go with their hearts?

What she had told him that night had been true. She had loved Jack. She had loved him deeply, despite the fact that there had been rough patches and even later when he had left her for a bottle, a game of cards and a cheap woman. And yet, she had often thought back to that night when she could have changed her life – possibly for the better – and it made her feel guilty. She had kissed another man once and she had spent the better part of three decades feeling bad for wanting something that she could not have. She had let Jack come back to her countless times over the years, had forgiven him things that should have been unforgivable. And for what? Had it all been a lie? Had she clung to something that was not worth keeping?

Sharon felt a gentle tug on her hand and when she turned to look at the man next to her, he took a step towards the shore, raising a questioning eyebrow. Reluctantly, she followed him out of the water. He was right; they should have that talk on dry land, where they did not have to fight for their balance with every wave that hit them. Once they made it to the beach, he pulled her against his side, and when she gratefully snuggled into his warmth, he put an arm around her shoulders to draw her even closer. "Are you okay for a little longer or would you like to head back to the house to put on some dry clothes?" he asked, his breath stirring her hair with every word.

The thought of returning to the backyard filled with people and face questions she still had to lean the answers to made her throat close up with anxiety. The house was the last place she wanted to be at that moment. Even as the sun was beginning to set, the air was still warm and Andy's solid presence beside her helped ward off the gentle breeze.

"I would rather walk a bit, if you don't mind. I need to understand this, Andy. What happened and why did you never tell me?" She needed more than I didn't want to hurt you. She needed him to walk her through it, tell her every single detail. Why she felt this urge to delve into something that happened so long ago and that would only open old wounds, she could not explain.

Next to her, Andy heaved a resigned sigh, his hand moving up and down her arm as they strolled along the edge of the water away from the house. "When I came home that night, he was there. While we were deciding to ignore what we wanted so much, your husband was sleeping with my wife."

Andy had driven around for a little while, trying desperately to forget the way her lips had felt moving against his, how their bodies had fit together so perfectly, how she had moaned her pleasure into his mouth. Of course, that would never happen. The best he could hope for was to push all those raw emotions into a remote corner of his heart and try to keep them there. Sharon had been right to remind them of their marriages and their children and just as she loved Jack despite the problems they might have, he loved Amanda.

Being married was hard work, especially with a small child and a job with such unpredictable hours as his. Amanda had to deal with a lot of stuff on her own and her frustration with that situation only made him wish to stay away more. He realized that it was unfair of him, but being at work and spending time with Sharon was so much easier. She understood why he loved his job, she did not question the long hours he put in, and she got it when a case stayed with him long after they had put the dirt bag away. It did not hurt that she was easy on the eyes, truly beautiful without having to try. She wore little makeup, her hair usually tied into a practical bun at the back of her head, her clothes simple but elegant. And yet, he had a hard time not staring at her lately. It only made him aware of how little he noticed his wife these days. Amanda was just as beautiful as Sharon, but in a vastly different way. Where Sharon, while slender, had retained some of those luscious curves pregnancy had brought, Amanda was tall and thin, having worked off her baby weight right away. Before she had married him, she had worked as a model while trying to get work as an actress. Then she had become pregnant and things had changed, her dreams had been put on hold. She still spent a lot of time on her appearance and sometimes he felt that she was trying too hard. He wished she would just be herself, but whenever he suggested that, she became defensive and, while not outright saying it, he always got the feeling that she blamed him for the way her life had turned out. Things had not been the same between them for a while now and he knew that they needed to do something about it before they lost each other.

What he had not expected was to be faced with just how bad things were upon walking into his house. It was 7:34 in the evening when he dropped his keys onto the hallway table and wandered into the open living room. He knew the exact time, because movement had drawn his gaze to the wall next to the stairs where, in front of the large, hideous grandfather clock, his wife and Jack Raydor had been wrapped in a passionate embrace.

The situation could not have been more obvious if they had both been naked. Amanda wore nothing but her dark blue silk dressing gown, her skin still glowing with residual arousal and her voice low and languid in that way he was all too familiar with from hours spent in bed with her. Jack was fully dressed and looked like he was on the way out.

For a long moment, Andy stood rooted to the spot, unable to move or speak as he watched their passion ebb away slowly, giving way to tender kisses and gentle caresses and softly whispered words. He could not figure out what to think or what to feel; he simply stared at them wordlessly as what remained of his heart crumbled away bit by bit. Too many emotions tumbled around inside him, but one stood out and he seized it, holding on to it as if it were a lifeline. Anger. It burned hot inside him, chasing away the lingering feeling of his partner's body against his and he welcomed it. His voice filled the large room, echoing off the walls and causing the two lovers to jump apart, shocked expressions on their faces.

"What the hell is going on here?" he bellowed, closing the distance between he and Jack. He towered over the shorter man and glared at him, wanting to kill him or at the very least drive his fist into the other man's face. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Amanda wrapping her robe around herself tightly, arms crossed in front of her. She was scared of him or of what he might do to her lover and part of him derived some perverse sense of satisfaction from it. Grabbing Jack's arm, he whirled him around and dragged him towards the hallway, where he pushed him against the wall, one arm across his throat. Somewhere in the background he heard Amanda's pleading voice, but he ignored it, too focused on the fear he saw in Jack's eyes.

It was not Amanda's words, begging him to be reasonable, nor any kind of common sense that kept him from beating Raydor up, but rather the memory of the sad, resigned expression on Sharon's face when she had told him that she loved her husband only a couple of hours before. Letting some of the tension flow out of his body with a deep sigh, Andy removed his arm from across the man's throat, holding him by the shoulders instead and giving him a hard shake.

"You're an idiot, Jack. Do you have any idea what you're throwing away? For some reason that I'll never understand, your wife loves you and you have nothing better to do than to cheat on her. It's time you pulled your head out of your ass and were the man she deserves. She needs you at home, now more than ever."

Saying those words hurt more than he would have thought possible. He wanted nothing more than for her to need him, but that would never happen. A small, traitorous voice inside his head suggested that she might, if he told her what he had witnessed. She would tell Jack to pack his bags and leave and then she would turn to him for the love and comfort she craved. He would be only too happy to take care of her. The problem was that it was merely a fantasy. She would probably forgive Jack and take him back, if only for her children's sake. All it would do was hurt her feelings and leave her heartbroken. No matter how much he longed to be with her, that was a price he was unwilling to pay. The best he could do was try and make Jack go back to her.

"She's pregnant, Jack. You can't do this to her." His voice was quiet, resigned as every fiber of his being fought against the notion that she might need her husband and not him. He watched Jack's eyes widen in surprise before they closed briefly. He nodded his understanding and, when Andy let go of him, he straightened himself and walked out of the door. After a moment of hesitation, Andy followed him, some of the rage bubbling back to the surface as he pulled the other man around once more just as he was about to head down the driveway. Jack glared at him, trying to shrug his hands off as he snapped at him. "What do you want now, Flynn?"

Andy ignored the annoyed tone, glaring at Raydor, his voice low and threatening. "If I see you so much as glance at Amanda or any other woman again, I'm gonna make you regret it. Now get out of my sight." Pushing him away, Andy turned around, ignoring Jack's curse as he stumbled, barely keeping from falling.

When he came back inside and slammed the door behind him, Amanda jumped where she stood in the hallway. She was crying, hugging herself and looking helpless and devastated. He saw her hand reach out to him as he passed by on his way upstairs, her teary eyes begging him to wait, to listen, to understand. A shake of his head stopped whatever she was about to say and she let her arm drop to her side.

"I can't listen to this right now, Amanda." He had to get out of there, out of the house in which his wife had slept with another man. The thought of what had happened in his own bed made his stomach turn. How often had he come to it, resting his exhausted body where only hours before Jack had screwed his wife?

The sheets were rumpled, the covers in danger of slipping to the ground, and the open window did little to disperse the heavy smell of sex. Swallowing hard against the bile rising in his throat, Andy yanked an overnight bag out of the bottom of the closet and carelessly tossed things into it. He barely stopped to check if he had everything he needed before he closed the zipper and left the room in a hurry.

At the bottom of the stairs, Amanda was waiting for him, still crying but appearing more in control of her emotions than before, more determined to make him listen. Could she not understand that hearing her explanations, her justifications was the last thing he wanted at that moment?

"Andy, please let me explain. It's not… I didn't mean to…" She could not seem to find the right words and it was all right with him. He did not want her words.

Shrugging off the hand she had placed on his arm in an attempt to stop him, he turned towards her, trying but failing to look into her eyes. "You slept with another man in my house. I don't think there is anything to explain about that." He spoke quietly, resignedly, pain dripping from every single word. His anger had slipped away at some point, leaving him feeling tired and forlorn. All he wanted to do was get away from her and from this house and from all that he had lost that day and find solace at the bottom of a bottle of bourbon.

"You can't just leave like that. We need you here. Think about Charlie. He needs his father." She had grabbed hold of his arm once again, clinging to him with both hands, her voice desperate as she begged him to stay. With a tug that was probably harder than necessary, he broke free of her once again and stepped back to put some distance between them. He simply could not stand her touch. "You should've thought about that before you screwed another man. And not just some random guy, but our friend," he yelled, closing his eyes as he saw her flinch. He took a deep, calming breath before he went on, trying to sound reassuring. "I can't do this right now. I need some time to think and figure out how I'm feeling about all this. You gotta give me a few days, okay? I'll call you."

Adjusting the strap of his bag that was beginning to slip off his shoulder, he walked away, refusing to look back when he heard Amanda's sobs behind him. He could not help her. She would have to find a way to deal with her broken heart on her own while he tried to figure out how to deal with his.

"I stayed in a motel for a couple of weeks. It was a tiny, dirty old hole on the verge of collapse and it fit my mood perfectly. I took a few days off, spent them in some bar, getting drunk. I don't think I sobered up for about a week. When I had to go back to work, I just went through the motions for a long time, moving between work, the bar and my bed.

Then, one morning, Amanda stood in front of my door, crying. It was early and I had a terrible hangover and I really didn't want to listen to her, but she looked so scared. I couldn't send her away."

Sharon felt the quiet rumble of his voice underneath her cheek where it rested against his chest. He sounded calm, but underneath that, she heard the pain that still lingered even decades later. She wished she could take it away, that she could have spared him the broken heart or at the very least helped him through it, shared it with him. Instead, she tightened her arms around his waist as they walked and listened, crying silent tears for him, for her, and for what they could have had.

"She had found out that she was pregnant and she didn't know what to do. When she told me… I don't think I've ever been that angry before. I wanted to yell at her, to shake her, to toss her out and tell her to never come back, and most of all I wanted to kill Jack. In the end, I couldn't do either. She was my wife and she needed me. I mean, it wasn't as if I had been a saint. She might have had an affair with my best friend's husband, but the only reason I wasn't in the same boat was because the woman I wanted had more sense than to betray her vows. How could I have judged her actions when I had been prepared to do the same, when part of my heartache was because I couldn't cheat on my wife? So I went home with her and I did my best to be the man she needed. We made it work for a while, but there was too much hurt between us and not enough trust to work through it." He paused for a long moment, his eyes fixed on some point in the distance, the twilight not enough to hide the haunted look in them.

"That night, Jack took two women from me. I know you never really were mine, but I wanted you. I was falling in love with you, but you chose him. I loved Amanda, but she never really understood me. She couldn't truly accept me for who I was and after that night things only got worse. We tried. I tried to forgive her, but I couldn't. I simply couldn't forget. Every time I looked at my beautiful little girl and saw a small spark of him in her smile or the twinkling of her eyes, it all came back. So I drank until I couldn't remember and I worked to forget how good that oblivion felt and at some point Amanda couldn't stand the sight of me anymore and she tossed me out."

The irony of his situation was not lost on him. Two men, both alcoholics with a weakness for a woman that was not theirs – so similar and yet so different. For some reason Jack had always landed on his feet. For years and years he had come and gone, drinking, gambling, sleeping around, only sobering up when he wanted something from his wife. She had always taken him back, given him chance after chance, trying hard to hold her family together and make sure her children did not see what kind of man their father was. Andy would have given anything for just one more chance like that, but he had not gotten it. Maybe it would not have changed anything either way, but he would have tried his best to at least be the father their children deserved.

Realization hit her like a punch in the stomach as his words slowly sank in. She stopped in her tracks, pushing him away from her and turning her back towards him. Breathing was almost impossible with the weight that was settling on her chest. Closing her eyes, she tilted her head back, turning her face towards the sky, her arms wrapped tightly around herself in an attempt to keep herself from falling apart.

"No…no… please, no!" she whimpered, pleading with whoever might listen that it was not true, that it was a mistake, even though it all made sense, way too much sense. She did not want to believe that the beautiful young woman she had gotten to know over the last two years was her husband's illegitimate daughter.

She had felt drawn to Nicole from the start, feeling a strange connection to her that she had not been able to explain at the time. Now she understood, could see the resemblance between Nicole and her own daughter. It was in the carefree smile and the happily sparkling eyes and the easy way in which they approached people and she wished she could go back to being oblivious.

In the grand scheme of things, considering that her husband had had an affair with the wife of her partner and best friend, a friend she had fallen in love with almost thirty years ago, the fact that that affair had produced a child did not really matter. Not after all this time, not when that child was a grown woman with a family of her own and no idea how she had come into this world. It changed nothing and yet, everything felt different all of a sudden. Why did all this hurt so much when her marriage was over and had been for a long time, even if it had still existed on paper until a year ago, when she was finally ready to move on with a man who had been in her heart for decades?

She felt him behind her, heat radiating off him and seeping through her clothes, warming her back even before he touched her. Placing his hands on her upper arms, he pulled her back until she leaned against his chest, before his arms slipped around her, holding her tightly. His chin rested on her shoulder and she tilted her head to the side slightly to brush her cheek against his. "What did we do, Andy?" she whispered, her voice heavy with sadness and regret.

Sharon knew that her life had not been ideal, that things had not turned out the way she had expected. It had been hard at times, full of pain and disappointments and broken dreams. It had also been incredible rich, full of love and many happy memories. Although she had had many doubts about her marriage over the years, she had always thought that staying with Jack had been the right decision. They had been happy for a while, even though a part of her had not been able to let go of what could have been. She had loved Jack and she always thought he had loved her, too. Had it all been a lie?

She was aware that Jack had not always been faithful to her, that he had enjoyed female company during those months and years he had not lived with them. It was something she had learned to accept and much later, years after she had filed for legal separation, she had found ways to have her needs taken care of as well. It had never been more than that for her, a couple of friends she had met occasionally to have a good time, no strings attached.

What she could not come to terms with was the fact that his cheating went back a lot further than she had thought. It made her question everything, made her wonder if it had only been Amanda or if there had been others. She certainly had not noticed at the time. Not until much later when it had become easier to pretend she did not care.

Andy tightened his hold on her slightly, his lips softly caressing her cheek. "We did what we thought was right. What would've been the alternative? We would've gotten divorced, moved in together and lived happily ever after? You know it wouldn't have worked that way. You still loved Jack, I loved Amanda, and there were the kids to think about. The guilt over ripping your family apart would have killed you. And then what? You think being with you would've kept me from the bottle? As much as I'd like to believe that, we both know that's naïve. I was well on the way to becoming an addict even back then. I would've ended up disappointing you, too." He paused for a moment, letting her think about his words while he buried his nose in her hair, inhaling her sweet scent.

"I thought about telling you about Jack and Amanda and I almost did so many times. In my bourbon-addled brain I saw you throwing yourself into my arms in your despair, and then we would walk off into the sunset together, but I had enough sense left to realize that it was a stupid fantasy and that you would probably not thank me for destroying your marriage like that. Thing is, he went home to you and for a while you were happy. He did love you, Sharon. That was not a lie."

She felt him shrug behind her and she hummed her agreement. Yes, there had been good years. For a while Jack had been a wonderful husband and father and as much as she hurt at that moment, she would never want to wish those memories away. There was one thing in all of this that she did regret, something she had not understood until today. "That's why you transferred from Hollywood Division over to Robbery-Homicide, isn't it?"

That, more than anything, had hurt and confused her about that time. They had been so close, had enjoyed working together and suddenly all that had been over. Andy had taken some time off immediately following that night and then their superior had let her know that she would get a new partner. There had been no explanation, no goodbye, and it had left her with burning questions and painful longing for the man who had managed to steal a part of her heart.

She had tried calling him and she had tried calling Amanda, but neither one of them had answered. At some point, she had been frustrated enough to find Andy at work and confront him about this sudden change. His attitude had been less than pleasant as he told her in no uncertain terms that, if she was so damn eager to make her marriage work, then it would be better they didn't see each other anymore.

When she had attempted to convince him that they should not have to sacrifice their friendship because of one moment of weakness, he had snapped. His words had stayed with her over the years and it had taken a long time for her to move past the hurt and anger they had caused. He had essentially accused her of having led him on, only to turn him away once he had reacted to the signals she sent him. He had told her that he was tired of playing her games and that he was no longer interested in being her partner or friend or whatever he had been to her.

With tears in her eyes, she had walked away, closing the door on the closest friendship she had ever had and trying to convince herself that whatever she thought she had felt that night had been nothing more than a reaction to sleep deprivation and a bad case.

Jack had never asked why they never went out together anymore, which made sense now that she knew what he had been up to, and after a while Emily had stopped nagging her about wanting to play with Charlie. She had always envied her daughter the ability to replace her best friend so easily and to forget how bitterly she had cried when Sharon had told her that she could not visit him anymore. Now those two were complete strangers to one another, blissfully unaware of having been almost inseparable for the first three years of their lives.

Andy turned her around and, cupping her face between his hands, his thumbs brushed over her cheeks, gently wiping away her tears before he tugged a few wayward strands of hair behind her ear. His eyes were suspiciously bright as he stared into hers, his voice thick with emotions.

"I had to leave. The thought of seeing you every day, of playing happy family with all of you, pretending nothing was wrong – I just couldn't do it. Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do, but I couldn't think of another way to keep you safe. I thought if I could stay away from you, I wouldn't say anything stupid and I wouldn't be tempted to kiss you again and if it kept Jack and Amanda apart, even better. I thought I could give you a chance to be happy and I'm not sorry about that. I am sorry that it didn't work out in the end and that I hurt you, though."

Sharon was torn between wanting to hit him and wanting to kiss him. What he had done was such a typical Andy thing to do. She wanted to be angry with him for making that kind of decision for her, for trying to protect her when she was perfectly capable of doing that herself, but how could she, when he was right about so many things?

Over the years, she had given Jack one chance after the other, despite his drinking and gambling, despite all the lies and all the women, despite his long absences and the many forgotten birthdays and anniversaries. She had truly loved him and it was unlikely that she would have given up on him back then if Andy had told her about the affair. She would have tried, mostly because of the children, but it would have destroyed a significant part of her and taken those few happy years from them.

Blaming Andy for the way things had turned out would be wrong, because there was no one to blame. Both their marriages had been heading towards disaster even before he had discovered what their spouses had tried to hide. Living with a police officer was not easy, and it took a lot of strength and commitment to make a relationship like that work. All four of them were guilty of not seeing those problems, of not facing them. Amanda's and Jack's affair was one result, with Nicole as an unforeseen but ultimately welcome complication. The fact that she had fallen in love with her partner had been another, and Sharon was realistic enough to know that, had they continued to work together, that line would have been crossed eventually.

She could blame Jack for being unfaithful to her, but what was the point of that after all those years? Their marriage was in the past and it had not fallen apart because of that one incident. Many factors had played into that and not all of them had been his fault. She would need time to come to terms with what she had learned tonight, most of all with the knowledge that her children had a half-sister, but she would not allow the past to cast a shadow upon their future.

"So, what happens now?" she whispered, letting one of her hands trace random patterns across his chest, while the other rested against his hip. Her eyes followed her fingers as they wandered over his dark blue button-down, only briefly flicking up to get a glimpse at his face.

"I don't know," he rasped, his lips moving against her forehead. "What does this really change? I know that it's a lot for you to take in right now, but does it change how you feel about this?" There was apprehension in his gaze, despite the confidence his words implied.

Laying one hand against his cheek, she shook her head. "Of course not, Andy," she reassured him. "I will need to work through this and that's going to take some time, but it does not change how I feel about you. We have been dancing around this for almost thirty years, if not longer and I can't remember a time when I did not love you. I may not always have liked you very much, but when I walked away from you all those years ago, I left a large part of my heart behind. I am tired of denying that. I want us to discover what we missed back then."

She did not wait for his answer, knowing it would take a while for him to get over his surprise. Sliding her hand into the short hair at the back of his head, she rose onto the balls of her feet and placed a tender, lingering kiss against his mouth. For a few seconds, he was completely still against her, wide-eyed and breathless and she wanted to laugh at the unexpected pleasure of rendering him speechless for once. Instead, she brushed her tongue over his lips, playfully nipping at his lower lip and pulling it into her mouth until he moaned.

That was all it took to shake him out of his stupor and he buried one hand in her thick curls, the other wrapping around her waist to pull her against him as he allowed her to deepen their kiss. In that moment, with their tongues engaging in a heated duel, it was all back. It felt as if no time at all had passed and they were back in that dark street, surrounded by the burning flames of passion and the glowing embers of longing. Only this time it was not tinged with grief and guilt and darkness. Those feelings were still there, lingering remains of their earlier conversation, but they were merely an echo of the past. They no longer held any power over them.

No matter how she looked at it, she could not see their lives playing out any other way. They had done their best and maybe it had not all been good enough, but it had brought them to this point. The more she thought about it, the more she was convinced that they had needed to travel on separate paths for a while in order to arrive at this particular crossroads. Their journey had shaped the people they were today and it had made it possible for them to move forward together. If they were lucky, they would get to complete the journey hand in hand, as friends, as partners, and as lovers.

~~FIN~~

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