Chapter Twenty-Five: Rabbit Holes and Wonderlands

"I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then."

― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?"

― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

I think that waking up in a hospital should make me nervous but to be completely honest, it makes me feel a bit comforted. The first time that it had happened was after I tried to kill myself, so what a surprise it was to wake up alive. I think I was relieved that I wasn't dead, but I don't like to think about that.

Though maybe it's a bit like Alice from Wonderland. She falls down a rabbit hole and you would expect yourself to really die after that but she does quite the opposite. She finds a magical place of her own choosing and I think as a kid I hoped she would have liked it. I don't really remember. I never actually read the book—that was the year that I was practicing forty hours a week and didn't have time for homework.

So as I wake up I find I have the normal side effects of your throat being so fuzzy and your body being weighted down. There was a prick in my arm and I know that there must be a needle in my vein. Taking deep breaths, I find it's easy to take in the oxygen to my lungs. This is oddly drastic for me to have oxygen to breathe. Normally they say I don't need and avoid making my lungs weak.

What happened to me? Who will I find when I open my eyes? Will I be alone? God, I don't know what the hell is going to happen. I think it would be best if I just keep sleeping and ignore the world. It seems like a good prospect if my hand wasn't falling asleep painfully. The fingers on my right hand felt like they were being attacked with pins and needles.

I open my eyes to find the white ceiling and the lights are dimmer than I would have thought. Shifting in the warm bed, I move my arm to find it under my leg. I must have rolled on top of it. I finger the blankets, finding more of them than necessary in the cold hospital. Hospitals are always that uncomfortable kind of cold.

My hand still stings as I take the oxygen tube from my nose. I scratch my nose for good measure as I wonder what just happened. The boys weren't here. Takeda, Ukai and Kiyoko weren't here. Aone wasn't here. I could only suppose they cut out when they had a chance. I can't blame them. Some machine next to me starts beeping and I check my arm as I notice the IV is mainly clear. They must be liquids.

The beeping continues but I merely shuffle to the foot of my bed and grab my medical chart. The damn file was huge but the most recent packet was thin. Opening it up, I have no idea what I am going to find. When I find the words 'seizure' and 'overdose' I feel my heart stop. As I read on, I think they might have to add heart attack to my list of problems because I can't believe what happened.

I read the notes as they proclaim I had a seizure due to a combination of exhaustion, dehydration and an overdose of my medication. I must have taken too many. I took some medication when I got to the hospital with Tanaka and I took some after Aone's game. It was too close together and I hadn't eaten anything substantial to balance it out as it broke down; the only thing that I actually ate was the rice ball Aone forced me to have, which might have actually saved my life. Goddamnit, the trial medication is volatile and if it was any other antipsychotics I could have gotten away with it.

"I can see you're awake," a monotone voice breaks my thoughts. My head bounces up to find Hana in her white coat.

"Did you have to pump my stomach?" I ask as I go back to the chart. It doesn't say they emptied my body of its contents.

"No. We just flushed you with liquids since you already broke down the medication. It was mostly your stress level that caused the seizure," she replies. My head begins to pound and my stomach growls. God am I hungry.

"How long has it been?" I ask as I clear my throat. Hana holds her hand out to grab the file from me. I hand it over and catch a crack of a smile, the doctor amused that I'm not freaking out because I am in the hospital.

"You were only asleep for half a day. Those boys are still here. They refused to leave last night and I put them up in one of my unused rooms," she murmurs softly. I bite my lip as the woman pushes me to sit back so she can check me. The boys didn't leave me. What the hell am I going to say to them? What do people say to friends who have decided to stay through the worst of yourself? Hana drops a thick robe on my lap after taking my pulse and checking my lungs.

"Can't I go home?" I ask the woman. She shakes her head even though her hand is at my inner elbow, removing the needle in my vein.

"I wouldn't advise it because you do live alone. I would like an adult watch you if you are out of my care," she says strictly. I am not leaving. I will not ask a parent to take me in and she won't let me be alone. At least my mind is hazy so I don't have to worry about the voices coming up right now.

"How long am I going to be off the trial?"

"Two weeks."

"That's an awful long time Hana."

"I know Katrina but you have to put up with it," she teases in a dull voice which you couldn't tell if she was really joking. When the woman gestures for me to get up, hands softly pulling me, then I can see the happiness in her eyes. I must have scared her.

"I'm sorry," I apologize. Hana shakes her head as the woman tenderly puts the robe on me. She pulls my hair out of the collar and then puts it in a messy bun. I must look like such a mess. There is a pit forming in my stomach, a rock sitting uncomfortably weighed down with worry. The boys must have been so scared and now they must be disgusted with me.

My fingers shake as I fix the sleeves of the robe to be lower, covering skin that I have run out of on my appendage. I can't believe I showed them the scars. I can't even look at the scars. Suga was crying he was so sad. For god's sake, I don't know why I told them. I wanted to tell them but I didn't want them to know. I wanted them to not worry but I could never convince them nothing was wrong.

"Whatever you're thinking is wrong. They won't think you're flawed or a freak or a monster. Just go out there and I'll be right behind you if you need me," Hana whispers as she pushes me to the door.

Bare feet pad across the hospital floor and my skin couldn't feel so foreign if I was a different person. The balls of my feet waver as I force myself to take the plunge out of the room. My hand turns the knob and I notice how cold my skin is at the moment. I'm always cold, just like the hospital. I push the door open and the other side holds the boys who wait around, some pacing and some sitting and some leaning against the wall. Their faces all turn to me as the door gives an annoying creak.

"Katrina," Hinata screams as he runs to me. I open my arms just in time for the boy to round his arms around my neck. I can feel his body shake against me and he rubs his running eyes on my white collar. "I'm glad you're okay. Please don't do this again. You really scared me."

"It's okay Hinata. I'm fine now," I coo as I begin to smooth his hair. Yamaguchi is suddenly hugging my back as he weeps on top of my head. "It's okay guys. I'm going to be alright."

"You better be," Tsukki deadpans as his large hand grabs my side. He grasps the terry cloth material between his fingers, not really being the kind to hug but I can see in his eyes that he's terrified. The warmth of fear thaws his cold eyes that he tries to mask so the tears won't fall. A body is next to Hinata and Kageyama hesitates before he puts his arms around me and then around Hinata. The ginger cries harder as the brunette squeezes his body.

"She's fine you idiot. Right?" Kageyama asks shakily. He's trying to be strong for Hinata but doesn't know what is going to happen to me. I smile at the taller boy and he nods. "She'll be fine. Stop being such a crybaby."

"You're so mean Bakeyama. I hate you," Hinata says without much force. I hold the boy's face to my neck and let him cry himself out.

"Katrina, why didn't you tell us about everything earlier?" Daichi asks beyond my hugging circle and Tsukki's version of physical contact. I can feel Hinata and Yamaguchi stop weeping even though Yamaguchi has moved his arms around my waist as he presses me into him. When I meet the eyes of my captain, his dark orbs are concerned and his face is grave.

"I didn't want to bother you guys. You didn't need the burden," I tell him as I feel my heart beat faster. My mouth has turned moist since I woke up while my hands sweat a bit.

"You will never be a burden," Suga proclaims strongly. Asahi nods next to him, bold as well as sure of himself. The silver haired boy gives me an almost dirty look as he comes closer to me. Tsukki and Kageyama ready to protect me but Suga merely touches my face gently. The boy trails a thumb on my cheek as his face softens, warm comforting smile coming to his lips.

"I'm sorry," I tell the third year. "I won't do it again. I'll tell you, I promise."

"Good. Now let's see if we can eat. Everyone is starving," he replies and Hinata sniffles.

"Can I get rice and a raw egg?" he blubbers and I laugh, the noise strong and pure.

All of my first years detach themselves from me. Suga puts his arm around my shoulder and he leads me to the others. Hana taps me on the back as she hands me my black slip on shoes I had in my satchel. Smiling, I put them on while holding onto our team mother of sorts. Daichi nods at me before Tanaka and Nishinoya take off down the hall.

"Why is he up?" I whisper to the group around me as I point to the bald boy jumping around. Hana comes to my side and stares at Tanaka as he gains distance from us.

"I discharged him when you were asleep but told him he had to stay close. His concussion will fade slowly and there's no use in me confining him," she responds. I nod slowly and then begin to follow them to the cafeteria. I need to keep an eye on Tanaka just in case.

"I am so hungry," Tanaka cheers as Nishinoya jumps in the air.

"Me too. I'm glad Katrina got up earlier than expected," the libero adds enthusiastically. The rest of us walk slowly and in content silence, the boys not going to push me to speak about something that is still too fresh. But they will ask. They will have questions and I suspect I'm going to have to answer them when we have this meal.

What should I do? They deserve answers and the worst of it is now over. I already told them the scariest things about myself. I gather the strength as my lungs take in more air. I breathe in deeply as I feel the warmth from Suga next to me. He's warm and the boys are calm. I need to gather my courage but I know something is not here. It isn't until my hands wring about each other for warmth that I notice someone is missing.

"Where's— "

"He had to go home to watch his sister. He didn't want to leave but we told him we'd call when you got up," Daichi interrupts my question. Aone must have been so tired. God, I can't believe he was even here with me for Tanaka. He is so considerate but I feel like he's too nice to me sometimes. Though I would never want him to change how he cares for me or how I care for him.

"I'll call him—"

"I already text him," Ennoshita interrupts just like the captain. I look in front at the second year as he holds a guilty expression. What did he tell Aone? The boy turns back around and no one is going to talk about what they told the boy who they think I am dating. I am not dating him though.

There is somewhere in the back of my head and at the center of my heart that made me wish Aone was here. My brain argued that he had to take care of his sister and that I wasn't someone he immediately had to be with. I'm just the crazy girl that he's stuck with. Right? I expect for my voice to chime in and tell me that this is completely wrong and I am being ridiculous, but I get no answer because of the medication, so I just sulk.

"He-"

"I don't want to talk about it," I say curtly to Suga's reassuring voice. I don't want to think about him because it only makes me yearn for him more. Suga rubs my shoulder and I lean into the boy as I steal his warmth and strength. I can't expect Aone to always be here for me. I can't expect him to stay for me.

"What do you want to eat?" Yamaguchi asks me as my eyes take in a cafeteria. I must have retreated into my head and missed our actually journey through the halls.

"I'll take some rice," I murmur as my legs shake slightly.

I've walked too much on the limbs and now they're starting to hurt. Kageyama notices my legs and Hinata grabs my arm at the same time, both of them dragging me off to sit at a table. They push me down into the chair and then march off to get me some food. Meanwhile, Suga sits next to me while Daichi takes his order like the good captain he is.

"Katrina," Suga calls to get my attention. I glance at the third year to find him studying me carefully. My body doesn't know whether it should be blushing or whether to grow cold under his inspection. I settle on a grumpy look and Suga gives me a bright smile.

"What are you smiling at?" I groan a bit before breaking eye contact.

"Are you worried that your friend doesn't like you?" I open my mouth to disagree but Suga scoffs as he pulls his chair closer to me. "He likes you, you know."

"He can't like me," I reply childishly, arms folded across my chest. Suga giggles and I look at him to find the boy with a soft look.

"You like him too. Everyone can see it. Why not just admit your feelings?" Suga offers with a tilt of his head. He's trying to trap me in a corner. He wants me to admit something. I know precisely what he wants me to say but I will avoid it at all costs.

"Why not just admit your feelings?" I mimic snidely. The setter rolls his eyes and I pick at a string on my robe.

"We had to literally threaten him to leave. He really didn't want to leave you, so don't worry about it. He'll be back," Suga replies.

I don't know how the boy's mood can have changed in such a short amount of time. He was angry at me for not telling him something so important and now he's lecturing about boys. He reminds me of my mother with how quickly they can forgive you. Even though my mother has yet to forgive herself for something that was never actually her fault to begin with.

"Katrina I got you a toast," Hinata informs me as he places food in front of my face. He smiles brightly and I cringe a bit as Kageyama smacks him in the back of the head. The brunette places silverware for me and glares at the ginger.

"You said you got me one too," he mutters disappointedly and I know Kageyama loves his food. Before the two boys can get into a fight, I cut my toast in half while handing a piece to Kageyama.

"I'm not going to be able to eat it all," I tell him. Kageyama smiles a creepy smile that I know it's him just trying to smile. Hinata turns white but when I smile at the boy, he understands Kageyama isn't trying to be scary.

The boys all settle at the long table as the quiet munching starts. Everyone has several different items in front of them and I can see the sadness still in their eyes. They wear their gym shorts and their jackets seem dull—probably from dirt and sweat because we haven't gone home in two days—and they hang lifeless on their stiff bodies. I begin to spoon some rice into my mouth when I find that Yamaguchi and Nishinoya are watching me carefully. They try not to stare but I know it's impossible.

They don't understand what really happened to me. I doubt Hana told them why I had a seizure or explained what schizophrenia was to begin with. Narita avoids my eyes when I look towards him and then I catch Asahi with his face almost in his bowl of miso soup. They don't want to look at me but at the same time, they are curious as all hell. My hand stops its path for the spoon to enter my mouth and I drop it in the bowl.

"Katrina?" Daichi asks from across the table. He seems concerned with my action and has these frightened eyes on his soft face. I sigh deeply while I run a hand through my hair, taking it out of whatever excuse for a bun Hana made. I untangle it while I breathe in deeply, life coming to me with the small meal and my comfort returning because the boys are mostly the same.

"I know that I always say I don't want to talk about it, but I think you guys should understand everything," I tell them carefully. I poke at the end of my hair and I start to braid it while looking down. Suga shifts next to me and I know he's unsure of what to say. They're all unsure. That is except for the two who are completely oblivious, Kageyama by stupidity and Tsukishima by a curt nature.

"You were diagnosed three years ago?" Tsukki begins the conversation after a heartbeat. All the others tense and I look up to find his eyes wide with curiosity behind his glasses. Though there is a hint of uncertainty in the orbs, he's mostly perturbed that I didn't tell them sooner.

"Yah. The anniversary was last week, that's why I was freaking out," I tell them and Tsukki's eyes get even wider with surprise. Daichi takes over next.

"What does your condition mean? Like what happens to you if you're not on medication?" he says swiftly. Then he thinks better and puts his hands up to take back his words. "Not that I don't think you shouldn't take your medication but just so we know if something does happen. I just want to make sure we can help you."

"It's fine Daichi," I reassure him with a small smile. He hyperventilates a bit more and then looks at Suga who sits next to me. The silver haired boy is sitting stone faced as I conquer my biggest fears. But somehow, I'm not afraid. They're still here. I don't think they're going to leave me.

"What was it again?" Tanaka butts in. I look at the bald second year to find him giving me a sympathetic expression. His eyes are droopy still from the concussion and I know he hasn't recovered as much as he would have wanted to.

"I have paranoid schizophrenia," I tell them slowly. The boys all nod with understanding and I can't help but smile because they're actually listening to everything. I finally have friends who want to know what's wrong with me because they want to help me. "It does a lot of what its name suggests. It makes me paranoid. My brain gets these weird ideas and I hear, like, voices telling me things."

"What do they tell you?" Asahi blurts out. He immediately turns red while he covers his mouth with his hands. The large boy is glared at but my laughter at how me can be so big but so scared causes the boys to whip back to me. They seem surprised, mouths open and glances at each other to see if the situation is actually real. They don't expect me to be myself.

"Guys, I'm fine, I swear. You guys haven't left yet so I'm fine," I say through a large smile.

"We won't leave you!" Nishinoya shouts in the cafeteria. We're promptly shushed and the boys all give stern nods, agreeing that they won't leave me.

"I know, I know. It's just that a lot of people left me so, well, I get scared. I was scared that you guys would think I was crazy," I confess softly, the volume at our table going down several notches.

"You're not crazy though," Hinata breaks the silence that had built up. I turn to gaze down the table to find the ginger with hauntingly clear eyes. You can see through them to his pure little soul. He smiles a bit and goes on. "You might do weird things, like when you always squeak your shoes twice before you go in the gym or when you make coffee even though you don't drink any or when you have to wait for everyone to get meat buns before you get your seafood one."

"Or how you can't work technology to save your life," Yamaguchi snickers.

"Or when you yell at us because you know we skipped a lap in running," Tanaka moans.

"You do weird things but you're not crazy Katrina," Hinata ends with a large smile.

He bounces in his seat and I can feel the heat rise to my cheeks. They have already memorized all my weird habits. That is actually really embarrassing. But the thing is that they don't see me as crazy. They think I'm normal. They see me as Katrina. As my eyes scan them all, I know that they see me no differently now than yesterday. To them, I'm their coach, their friend, their small girl whom they protect.

I gulp before I can start crying and I pick up with their questions.

"Thanks guys," I begin as I twiddle my thumbs. "The voices, well, they make me paranoid. They tell me people are watching me. I get nervous, start to not trust anyone. If you guys find me where I'm acting extremely strange, chances are my medication wore off."

"Is that why you have panic attacks?" Daichi asks softly, the care in his eyes showing he just wants to know for my safety.

"That would be correct," I tell him with a reassuring but shameful smile. "The trial medication is less heavy than the antipsychotics but that means I'm not shielded completely. The antipsychotics though make it hard to think. That's why I didn't play for a while. I couldn't think fast enough to play. With the new medication, I have to be off of it sometimes but it works so much better for me."

"What does the normal medication feel like?" Ennoshita prods a bit. I bite my lip as I try to think how to describe what I actually feel. The boys all wait patiently for me to come up with an answer.

"It feels like, well, maybe it would be easier to tell you what's missing. When I'm on the antipsychotics I don't have that little voice in your head that tells you things. It's like my conscience or the really loud voice that pops into your head isn't there. It feels foggy, almost like you try to think but it takes too much effort."

"That sounds terrible," Nishinoya blurts out. Everyone gives him glares but I just shrug because it's the truth.

"Yah pretty much. That's why I like the trial. Suoh can't have me on it forever though. Not when we're still testing it," I tell them.

For a moment they seem like they want to ask something more. My head pounds from holding in tears for so long and the fogginess gets the fear to be a monster under my bed—worried it might be there but too tired to actually check. I sigh and then grab the spoon to finish the rice. The boys don't pry anymore and the world is quiet, our breakfast carrying on with a sort of comradery that makes my heart swell with joy.

Suga soon pushes a bowl of miso soup in front of me and I don't deny the food. My stomach was barely beginning to feel full and I liked the taste of the soup. Normally I stayed away from hospital food but right now it tasted like the food of the gods. Around us doctors ate along with the families of the patients they treat. Some people look like they are dead on the inside, awaiting news of life when they expect someone to die; others look like they have saved lives, the weight of playing god making them tired mentally. I just seem comfortable here with both my boys and the white walls of the hospital cafeteria.

"My lovely Katrina," a voice calls, far too loud and far too joyful to actually be welcoming. I turn and look around the boys to find a head of green along with one of light hair. Suoh smiles larger than I have ever seen, mischievous look in his eyes as he waves to me. When I see Aone, the only thing that I could have hoped for was that I didn't look like a mess. Immediately my hands fix my robe and I realize I probably look like death.

"This isn't good," I whisper as I have the harsh thought that Aone shouldn't have come. I want to see him but I don't want him to see me like this. So I quickly get away from the table and walk even more quickly to the two newcomers. Suoh grabs me before I can chide him for being loud and he giggles in my ear. I push him away with a very, very uncomfortable feeling that he's going to do something melodramatic.

"I found your boyfriend at the nurses' station. I can't believe you didn't call him," Suoh says in a teasing tone.

My ears heat up a shade of red and my heart beats faster when I look at Aone. The boy is examining me to see if I'm unharmed and when he finally catches what Suoh said about him being in a relationship with me, he turns red. I can't help but smile with his embarrassed look, the boy coughing a bit with surprise. He wears a black t-shirt and jeans, his hair slightly messed up because it must still be early in the morning.

For a moment I realize that I don't even know what time it is but this train of thought is broken when Aone comes closer to me and looks down into my face. I look back up into his brown eyes to find them worried, the orbs shifting quickly to take in every detail of my face. Suoh makes his exit while I find a smile making its way to my face. Aone wants to smile too but can only manage his serious look as his large hand comes to my face. He touches my cheek gently and I lean into the callous fingers.

"I'm fine. I just took too many doses of my medication but I'm fine now," I reassure him and Aone breathes in deeply with relief.

I grab his hand before it can pull away from my cheek, my thumb rubbing his fingers gently. The boy smiles and my breath catches as my heart beats faster. He's so handsome when he gives me that small smile of his that lights up his eyes. I don't ever want to be without this look. I make him happy and I want to continue making him happy.

Aone slowly moves his other hand to my waist as he brings me closer for a hug. He's such a physical person, needing the reassurance of my hand in his and even showing this sort of thing in public. I don't complain as my neck burns red hot because the boys are starting to cheer and give comments in the background. And it isn't until the hand I hold on my cheek moves to hold my chin that I think something else might be happening.

Aone leans down further to me and I watch as his face approaches mine slowly, as if to not scare me away. The boy towers over me and I breathe hard. Shit, he's going to kiss me. But I'm a mess. Maybe I shouldn't think about this. But I don't want my first kiss to be in a fucking hospital. I clench my eyes shut as I try to deliberate what to do. I panic, only to find lips on my face, gently kissing my forehead.

"I'm glad you're alright," Aone whispers to me.

I open my eyes to find him wrapping his arms around me as he crushes my body into his. My arms go around him in response and I bury my face in his warm chest. I can feel his heart beat rapidly and know that he was nervous too. Though as he holds me ever tighter, I know that he was scared that I wouldn't be okay. I breathe in deeply to find the boy smelling like how I remember my father used to—softener from the laundry and something like an old spice body wash.

"I'm glad you came back," I whisper to him. Aone moves a bit and manages to kiss my temple, lighting my whole body on fire while I crave more. There is a sort of disconnect from wanting him to pick me up and kiss me senseless and not wanting him to let me go because this is the safest place in the world.

"Always," he confesses.

I rub my forehead into his body more while I hear doctors around us telling the boys to stop yelling. They're so ridiculous sometimes. It is then that I realize that I have everything that I thought I would have lost when they found out who I was. I have the boy that won't ever let me go and a team that sees me as myself. They didn't leave. They say they will never do that. They will always be with me.

And the only words that I can put to the emotion making my heart clench is joy, though there is something else stronger than that. I think it's love but I blame the medication for anything crazy I think. Like how I'm blaming the medication on the invasive thoughts that I am falling in love with Aone or that I'm really in a coma because none of this would ever happen or that I really did fall down a rabbit hole somewhere along the line because this is just crazy.

I get released from the hospital three days later and after so much arguing for the boys to go home. They tried to sleep in my room but I forced them to go home. Takeda and Ukai also showed up and dragged them away, so they really didn't have a choice. Hana let me go on Saturday and I had also forced the boys to start practicing again that day. That meant there was no one at the hospital when I got out. I made sure that they wouldn't be here. I made sure there would be no one. Though that was a lie.

When I exited the double doors of the hospital I found a group of boys. Except they weren't exactly my boys. No, these were Aone's boys. The group of boys from Date Tech were dressed in their practice clothes, t-shirts with their track suits. Aone waves to me and the group of boys walk to me.

"Hey," I mutter to Aone. The boy stands closest to me and I look around him to his team. When I look back at him, he's raising an invisible brow. "You have practice today?"

Aone nods his head in agreement and I bite my lip. I still wear my black Karasuno club jacket, a black speck in a sea of white and teal. The small captain comes to me and is smiling cheerily. He reminds me of Suga with the way he smiles—comforting but his is much more stressed. I bow to him as I am about to introduce myself but the boy starts flailing.

"Please, no, there's no need for formalities," he stutters. I get up to find Aone surprised and a blush at his neck. I don't know why he's so nervous but I think it has to do with the teasing smile of his teammates.

"She's so polite," the third year spiker says. He has light blonde hair and a large grin on his face while he walks around me. I turn with him, my braid swinging around with the action. The boy finally stops in front of me and puts his hand out. "Yasushi Kamasaki at your service."

"Stop freaking her out," Futakuchi tells his senpai. The older boy turns on the second year with a glare, me not even getting the chance to shake his hand.

"I am not freaking her out. She's fine. Girls like me," he proclaims. Futakuchi bursts out in laughter and I can't help but crack a smile. The rest of the team snickers and Kamasaki only scoffs at us. "Like you're one to talk Futakuchi."

"I do better than you," Futakuchi tells me to the side, extending his own hand.

I take it in mine and the boy shifts closer to me, looking like he wants to whisper in my ear. This just causes Aone to shift closer because his friend gives me a large smile that denotes mischief. When I look at Aone, he is giving his friend a jealous look, lips pursed and eyebrows scrunched. I smile at him while butterflies enter my stomach. He actually cares about who I talk to and touch. In that moment the bouncing libero appears in front of me.

"Hi, I'm Kosuke Sakunami but you can call me Saku," he says joyfully. He has energy of a libero, always having to be moving. The captain comes in front of me again and then gestures to the rest of his team.

"Here is Takehito Sasaya and Yutaka Obara. I'm Kaname Moniwa. It is a pleasure to meet you," Moniwa tells me happily. The boy looks at Aone and gives a proud smile, chest swelling with approval. "Aone has told us a lot about you."

"Has he?" I ask them with a raised brow. Aone turns away from my gaze, guilty as charged for talking about me to his teammates. When I look back at his team they're smiling from ear to ear. For a moment, I wonder if I can tease the boy who stands closer to me with each passing moment. I settle against it and look at his team with a curious look. "Are you guys going to head to practice? I assume you're riding the train with us."

"We're actually coming with you," Moniwa confesses. I know I have a confused face because why would they be coming with us? Well, with me really. I have to go back home and they stop before me.

"Your captain suggested we have a scrimmage with you guys," Kamasaki tells me with a devious look.

I can't tell if I should be happy that they're spending more time with my boys or if I should be scared. They're probably going to gang up and tease Aone and I for something that isn't actually true. When I look at Aone I can tell he's thinking the same thing, his serious face even scarier as he tries to think about how we can get out of this. The truth is we can't.

"Besides, your team wanted to pick you up but you told them they couldn't," Futakuchi says with a blunt tone. "So they sent us instead."

"So now we get to go with you," the libero exclaims happily. I smile at them because in a lot of ways they're like my own team. Except for the fact that I have a lot more kids to worry about.

I stand for a moment looking around the circle of boys, them staring back at me with curious faces and Aone with cheeky looks. Aone can sense my hesitation at what to do, so he reaches out towards me. He always need to hold my hand and I will always reach out for him in a heartbeat. The boy blushes a bit while our fingers merely brush one another. My stomach does a roll while I quickly link our pinkies and then unlink them again, starting to walk towards the bus.

Aone and I don't reach out for one another again but we sit on the bus and train while our sides touch. It was sort of a comfort for me that he can still stand to be with me, while I think it was a sort of comfort for him because he was nervous. All of the boys were a little quiet when we rode the train. They lost to my boys and here they were, a couple of days later, having to play against them again. When we were thirty minutes from our stop, Aone grabbed the long sleeve of my jacket to get my attention.

"Hmm," I breathe out as my slow train of thought ceases. As I look to Aone, he has a sort of scared look, lips crushed together but eyes wide with slight fear. I search his face to find the start of these emotions as he's swallowing down whatever he was going to say. Futakuchi who sits next to Aone on his other side, catches the look and gives me a confused expression. I look back to Aone to find him looking across the train, as if to say that it was nothing.

"You can tell me," I whisper to Aone. The large boy stiffens as he shakes his head. What is going on? Normally Aone would be able to tell me anything. Now he's hiding something I can clearly see is a problem. Aone still hasn't let go of my sleeve and I pat the hand with my free one to reassure him that I'm still here. Aone was restless for the remainder of the ride, not meeting my eyes for some odd reason.

When we all stand to get off the train, Aone remains sitting, like he isn't ready to get off or is denial that this is our stop. Futakuchi looks at his friend and then looks back at me with confused eyes. Aone doesn't normally do this and the team doesn't understand what is going on. I don't understand what is really happening but I stand in front of Aone to find out. The boy looks at our feet and I grab his face in my hands.

"Aone, whatever it is," I begin to tell him but I choke on my words. He finally looks at me and his brown eyes show fear. I feel my heart sink with worry. Why is he scared? I don't want him to be scared. My face is already leaning in and I kiss his forehead gently. I don't want to tell him that everything will be fine because I don't understand what everything is. What I can do is be right there for him when he needs me.

Aone grabs my hand as he stands quickly, our exit of the train making my brain spin with how fast it occurs. As we get to the front, the large boy releases my hand but stands close and I wonder why he lets go of me so often. When we're alone, he doesn't mind holding my hand for long. I look around at his friends and the thought occurs to me he might be well, ashamed of me. My heart squeezes and my breath gets caught in my throat in an uncomfortable way.

"Katrina," someone yells to me and soon my vision is flooded with boys running to me. For a moment I wonder how often they use my name but it ends when Tanaka barrels into me. Next thing I know he's picking me up.

"Whoa, too high," I squeal as the boy lifts me over his shoulder. I'm grabbed like a rag doll by Asahi who holds me away from his body.

"You can't pick her up funny," Asahi reprimands lightly—there being a problem with how I'm picked up instead of the fact I'm being picked up in general. For a moment I think I'm going to be put down but instead Asahi crushes me into his body. "You're okay."

"Of course I'm okay," I say into his chest, words muffled by his club jacket. Asahi squeezes tighter before releasing me, feet touching the ground. I'm soon engulfed again by Hinata and Nishinoya, the two shortest boys rocking us back and forth with excitement.

"You're back!" Hinata screams in my ear. I make a face of pain before Daichi pulls them both back.

"You guys need to calm down," the captain chides. The two boys nod their heads rapidly, us knowing they physically can't calm down even if they wanted to.

"You guys are supposed to be practicing," I tell the captain with a dissatisfied look. Daichi rubs the back of his head as he tries to make up some lie. "It's fine I guess. But you guys have to start stamina training again."

Daichi sighs in relief and I can't help but crack a smile. Suga comes to me and quickly inspects me, as if I could get hurt with a team of boys named the iron wall. The silver haired boy finds nothing out of the ordinary and eventually looks to my escorts. He smiles and it's a thankful turn of the lips, the Date Tech boys stiffening with the beauty of the expression.

"Thank you for taking care of Katrina. We don't want to take any chances that she'll get hurt," Suga tells them. They nod and Aone's face is tense, expression borderline scary—actually scaring those who aren't used to him.

"We're happy to help. When we heard Aone mention he was going to go with her, I wanted to make sure they would both be fine," Moniwa professes.

Aone and I blush a bit because both our teams are overly protective of us. Suga nods while he wraps his arm around my shoulder. Moniwa stands next to Aone with a blinding smile and I realize that the small captain is really motherly. In a lot of ways, he is totally Suga. I smile, a bit embarrassed, as I look at Aone who is still nervous. The teams start to mix again and I untangle myself from Suga. We start walking to our gym while the air is filled with laughter. Aone and I on the other hand are silent as we drift to the back, out of everyone's ears.

"What is it?" I whisper to the boy. He keeps looking forward, not meeting my eyes. I grab his arm, unhappy that the boy doesn't tell me what's bothering him. I tell him everything and weigh him down with my problems, the least I can do is listen to him. "Please tell me."

Aone stops as I squeeze his arm tighter. The boy glances at me before shaking his head lightly. Why is he being so secretive? What is going on? Aone looks at me again and his eyes widen with surprise. He turns to me and grabs my face in his hands as I realize I'm on the brink of tears. I have this annoying pain in my chest that makes me feel like I'm just taking advantage of the boy.

"I'm sorry," he gasps as I take his hands off my face. Why should he even tell me? I'm just some girl. I'm nothing more than an out of town friend. It's not like I'm someone important to him. I'm a burden. I shouldn't weigh him down. Aone flinches as I bring his hands down. His face evolves into a pained expression while I try to smile reassuringly. I know my smile isn't very honest but I don't want to burden him.

"It's okay. You don't have to tell me," I reply shakily. My hands have a tremor and I push the boy away so we can begin walking. I push my emotions beyond the veil of medical haze while hoping I'm strong enough to let Aone go if needed. Walking swiftly, the boy tries to catch up, looking at my face worriedly. The others can sense something amiss but no one comments on it until we get to the gym.

"Katrina come here," Daichi calls as he gives Aone a dirty look. The second year stiffens while he looks back at my captain warily. My legs carry me to my own teammate whose face turns worried. "Is everything alright?"

"Yah," I say too quickly. Suga comes to us and the pair of boys dote over me. They look back at Aone and I wave nonchalantly. "Nothing's wrong. I'm just being weird."

"Medication weird?" Suga blurts out. I smile at him and shake my head. He gets which kind of weird it is and elbows Daichi who is kinda oblivious as he opens his mouth to question. I turn to leave but run straight into Moniwa who is looking at me strongly, his hand holding a reluctant Aone. Daichi notices that the others have started to gather around, giving them a sharp glare.

"Go start warming up. I want four laps today," he yells out.

The Karasuno boys go into high gear before Daichi changes his mind and makes it five laps. Date Tech looks to their soft captain who nods, Kamasaki getting them to follow my own boys. In moments they're running out of the gym, yells and laughter disappearing slowly. But in the gym, it's way too quiet. I'm sure that I'm not even breathing when Suga pulls me closer to him and Daichi, both boys flanking my sides.

"I know this is a little odd but seeing as how Hitz-chan doesn't have her parents here, I thought it best for us to handle this situation," Moniwa says softly. Suga puts his hand on my shoulder while rubbing me reassuringly.

"What does this have to with my parents?" I ask with a questioning face. Moniwa looks at me with some sympathetic smile while Daichi is giving Aone the third degree. The tall boy looks like he wants to crawl in a hole but manages to give me a smile. Raising my brow, I can feel my lips make a smirk to which Aone smiles even wider, the two boys to my side swaying a bit.

"As you know, Katrina is very dear to us and I would rather not have any problems. If something should happen to her," Suga trails off in a dark voice. I have literally no idea what is going on right now. Moniwa gives a strong look while looking at me, my blood turning to molasses as I develop sweaty hands. Why is he looking at me like I'm bad?

"Well it goes both ways. As Aone's senpai, I will not have him hurt," the captain threatens. I gulp while I look to Aone. What is going on, I mouth to him. It's his turn to swallow hard and Daichi gives a nod to Aone. This must be some sign because Aone steps toward me. Suga, Daichi and Moniwa move to stand to the side and I just turn around the group.

"Guys, this is getting really freaky. I don't know why but it feels like some sacrificial ritual," I grumble as Aone starts to bow to me.

The boy is red to the ears and I can see his hands shake he's so nervous. I step back as butterflies enter my stomach and Aone clears his throat for strength. My face is warm as I try to understand why this is making my heart beat rapidly with happiness. I know my smile goes from ear to ear and the three onlookers have teasing smiles.

"Katrina will you please," Aone rises with another clearing of his throat, "please go out with me?"

All that for this? He was nervous about asking me out? What did he think? That I would say to go fuck yourself? Of course not. He's amazing Aone and I'm crazy Katrina. Why would he even want to go out with someone like me? I mean, I guess I'm sort of pretty in that foreigner with different hair color type of thing. I play volleyball so I guess that's a plus. But I'm crazy.

"Why?" I blurt out before I could actually prepare myself.

Aone stares at me with some deep look that makes my heart pound in my ears. His eyes are so deep and I swear that I have never seen anyone more determined. But why me? I just begin to panic. My arms flail and I can hear the three third years begin to chuckle at my whole situation. They think it's funny but this is really serious. He's asking me out, like to go into public with him.

When was the last time I was asked out? Uh, the answer is never. What do I do? I'm not a good person. Well, I try to be a good person but sometimes I'm weird. Sometimes in the morning I'm chipper but when I get tired I get moody. Or sometimes I can think while on my medication and other times I just don't know anything ever. And this boy who is so damn special, who is so damn kind, so damn handsome, is asking me to go out with him. Why?

"Because I like you," Aone replies when I'm staring at the gym floor and trying to make sense of this whole situation. My head bobs up exactly three seconds later and I'm subjected to a smirk. Aone didn't think I would react like this and he thinks it's amusing. I have to admit that this must be quite entertaining for him but for me, I'm just, well, I'm not good.

"No, you don't," I argue with the boy. He can't like me. I'm unlikable. I'm messed up and I come with way too much baggage for anyone to ever shoulder the burden. What does he even see in me? I cry way too much. I'm extraordinarily clumsy outside of the gym. I don't have good looks and I'm only averagely smart. What is it that makes me stand out? Is it because I'm foreign? I bet it's because I'm foreign.

"I do. I really like you," Aone whispers as he comes closer to me.

My face is burning hot and the boy reaches out to put a hair behind my ear. The action is way too affectionate to be friends and I realize, he does like me. We do this stuff constantly. He's always holding my hand and I stare at him way too long while thinking that his smile is what I need for a bad day or that his eyes are so deep and full of expression that I can get lost in them. He likes me and I most definitely like him.

"Aone?" I whisper as I grab the boy's hand still lingering on my cheek.

His fingers are so much longer than mine and my small hand holds his gently. We're really different. I'm not someone that he should like because of so many reasons, but the fact remains that I do like him. I like him a lot. Somehow, I never want him to leave my side. He understands me and I understand him. We're the two pieces of the puzzle that you jam together to find it makes a mini masterpiece even though they weren't made for each other in the beginning. I want to be his puzzle piece.

I look up and brace myself for some kind of rejection because this is way too amazing to be real. Instead I get a whole different spectrum of emotions. God, I promise to make this boy happy. I promise to never leave him if he needs me or wants me. I promise to be the best person I can ever be so I stand by his side and go through life together. I promise to love him forever.

My breath catches when I find Aone smiling like he's the happiest person in the world. He must be over the moon. The girl that he likes hasn't run away screaming from him and he has gotten permission from her proxy parents. I understand that he didn't want to just ask me because I'm here by myself. He wanted me to have someone in my corner if I didn't want to be with him. He is sometimes old fashioned and I feel my face hurt with how much I'm grinning.

Aone nods his head a bit while I trace circles on his hand unconsciously. He's still waiting for an answer and the fear is back in his eyes. His eyes are so brown and I love them so much. Is it possible to love a person in so many different ways? I love his eyes and I love how considerate he is and I love how determined and passionate he is about things he loves. He's determined about me but his smile is waring off as he grows nervous once again.

"Promise me something?" I ask him and he nods rapidly, serious face coming back to his features. I swallow hard as my heart jumps in my chest. "Promise to never let go of my hand unless I let go of you first, because I plan on never letting go."

The boy just stares down at me blankly for a moment. His eyes are wide and I search his expression for some indication that my cheesy line won't make him go running for the hills. And there is real fear when Aone takes his hand back from me and I think I just ruined everything. I bite the inside of my cheek so the pain of the body will outweigh the pain I will feel when he leaves. I only succeed in biting my cheek way too hard when Aone swoops me off my feet.

For the second time today I was picked up but I think that I like Aone's way much better because I have the utmost faith in him. He holds me bridal style while he starts to laugh, the rumble in his chest causing me to start giggling with happiness. The boy places his forehead against mine and the laughter continues until I hear Daichi cough loudly. He wants us to stop but neither one of us seems to care all that much.

Because for the first time in my life I told someone that I wasn't going to let them go and I feel selfish for asking the boy to promise so much. Though just when we stop laughing and I look into his eyes, the silence tells me that it won't be a problem—Aone tells me that he wouldn't have it any other way with just a single look. So I just rub my forehead against his as I bask in the honest silence yelling that I shouldn't be afraid anymore.

And the moment ends—the silence coming to an abrupt stop even if it was enough to satisfy my needs. The boys are yelling into the gym as I realize I have everything that I have ever wanted in this wonderland. Maybe I really did fall down a rabbit hole.

Okay, so I am sooooo sorry that this is so late. I haven't been able to get used to my classes yet and it's already midterms so I doubt that I'll be used to them ever. I've also just been really bad mentally and it was just really hard to do anything. I know this semester I'm going to have a lower gpa than normal and that makes me sad but I can't stop working and I have to keep with all my classes. So, plan on the next chapter being up in a couple of weeks-no more than a month though. I have spring break and I'm taking off work so I'll probably have time to write.

As for the actual story, the last chapter was really weirdly paced but that was because I wanted to see if I could make it awkward because Katrina was too heavily medicated and her point of view was starting to get messed up. I hope this chapter is back to normal with the pacing because I normally write everything in two or three times but this took forever and it wasn't even that hard, it was just that I had literally no motivation to do anything. But I hope you like it.

Please comment if you have any suggestions or problems with the writing. I really do appreciate what you all do by being here and I would just like to say thank you again. It does help me with my writing and I'm going to have to start my portfolio to submit for the advanced class at school. I also just love it when you guys comment because you guys actually took the time out of your day to help me out.

So as always, follow, fave, review, obsess. I loves yous guys and thank you for making it twenty five chapters in!