Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Plot+Convenience. I mean Cheese+Corn. I mean Panty+Shot. Yeesh. So many names.

Title alone should tell ya all you need to know. If you're looking for a thought-provoking story, get out because you won't find it here. Naruto's just going to be a walking-talking douchebag of sheer carnage, kind of like how Superman sauntered through Goku's Super Saiyan God Super Saiyan (fucking stupid name by the way) charged kamehameha, grabbed him by the throat and fried his brain.

The biggest shock was that he actually had one.

"Are you sure about this, Naruto-oniisama?" A nondescript boy barely important enough to be named let alone described timidly asked his brother. He didn't know what was odder. His step brother practically turning up on his doorstep bleeding out one day or some guy probably drunk off of his ass "conveniently" dropping a scholarship for him to find.

"Yeah man. I got this," Naruto assured, his dress sense was one of delinquency, consisting of a white short sleeved-top over a long-sleeved orange jumper to accentuate the orange bandana wrapped around his neck and oval-shaped, orange-tinted sunglasses. Baggy, dark blue slacks enhanced his image and a pair of orange Benjamin's topped the proverbial stereotyped cake.

Naruto still retained his two most distinguished features, his mane of spiky, Super Saiyan-esque golden yellow hair, a few strands sticking out of his orange cap which was turned sideways on his head, and his trios of cat-like whiskers on each of his cheeks.

"Something doesn't seem right," His brother said, "I mean, that flyer got delivered to me so shouldn't I be going?"

"No," Naruto deadpanned, slinging his sack-bag over his shoulder, "What doesn't seem right is a random-ass guy just dropping a convenient scholarship to the dumbest kid in our school," He tilted his sunglasses down slightly with his middle finger, eyeing his brother's cringe insouciantly, "That'll be you if you didn't know."

"Gee. Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"You're welcome shrimp," Naruto replied in kind, straightening his glasses, "'Sides, would ya really have wanted to go to a place called "Yokai academy?" Really? C'mon Tsukune-chan. I know you're not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but even you should know what a name like "Yokai" should entail."

Tsukune winced, "Yeah I guess."

The sound of a heavy engine pulled up beside them.

"Well, here's my ride," Naruto said, no semblance of sentimentalities evident on his face, "Take care of our folks, would ya? Someone's gotta keep 'em from going nuts, and I'll tell ya one thing it ain't going to be me."

"Sure thing, Naruto," Tsukune said, "Please take care of yourself and call us if yo-."

"Quit worrying!" Naruto commanded boisterously, jerking a thumb at himself, "This is me we're talking about. Not some nameless fodder selected off of the streets, kinda like you," He jumped on the steps of the bus, turning around to toss Tsukune a two-fingered salute, "Deuces."

XxX

Dominance of a Walking Douchebag

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Welcome to Generic Land

Ring, Ring.

A tired groan escaped Naruto's mouth at the sound of ring tone going off. Stretching himself out on the backseat on the surprisingly empty bus, Naruto dug through his pocket for his cell phone, flipping it up and putting it against his ear, all without sitting up.

"Man. Who's this?" He asked grouchily, propping an arm over his eyes.

"Naruto," A distressed female voice was heard.

"Okay, so you've ascertained my identity, good job," He mumbled acerbically, "Wanna cookie?"

"Can you quit being a jerk for a minute?" She sobbed.

"Whoa. And you've figured out my profession? You're good."

"It's Ranma!"

"That guy?" He asked in bored recognition, earning himself a squeaked hum of confirmation, "What about him?"

"He's dead!"

"He is?" Naruto's eyes remained unconcerned, bored and cold as the snow itself, "Well sucks to be him," He rang up the phone, jamming it back into his pocket, "Another wannabe bites the dust in the ghetto," There was no time to pity fools who were stupid enough to get a cap busted in their asses.

"Hey, kid," The bus driver's sneering voice echoed out throughout the bus.

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Naruto said in annoyance, "Can't a guy get some shuteye around here?"

Just like Naruto moments before, the bus driver was unconcerned despite the youngster's obvious annoyance, "You're the new student?" He asked, only the top half of his body was visible. The rest was masqueraded by the light that deflected off of the window, leaving only his sneer and weirdly glowing eyes tangible.

"Now what kinda stupid-ass question is that?" Naruto said, tucking his arms behind his head, "If I wasn't going to this "Yokai Academy" do you think I would be on this bus? C'mon son. That's Tsukune-level dumbassery right there."

"In that case I would watch my back if I were you. That's one scary-ass school."

"Yeah, well, if it's half as scary as your face I think I'll do just fine."

"Let's see you keep that confidence after you spend a day there."

The light was consumed by a vast darkness the likes of which were only found in a tunnel.

"Finally!" Naruto exhaled in exaggeration, sweeping off of his makeshift bed and to the ground, eyeing his surroundings, "Through the rabbit hole we go, I guess," He noted the distinctive chakra signatures of his surrogate family leave his radius, alluding to only one conclusion, "Travelled to a different dimension." Wouldn't be the first time. Only this time he felt incredibly underwhelmed instead of overwhelmed as he was when he initially arrived on Planet Normal.

"What? The? Hell? Is? This?" Naruto said bizarrely, pronouncing every word of his slack-jawed sentence as though they were their own sentence to increase his befuddlement. Gazing out the window, he found an ocean of red blood stretching on infinitely, and the surroundings lacked any semblance of flora and fauna, 'Man It's like I'm looking at someone's overly clichéd horror movie.'

The driver misinterpreted Naruto's underwhelmed sensation as fear, "Hehehe. Scared already, kid? Guess that bravado of yours couldn't hold up forever, huh?"

"Yeaaahhhh," Naruto said with sarcasm oozing from his tone, grabbing his sack-bag and standing up, moving to the front of the bus, "Scared of what goes on in someone's head."

The driver got the implications of Naruto's sarcasm, but didn't show any signs of apologizing for his mistake, "Good luck kid," He said, opening the door, "You're gonna need it."

"We'll see about that," He said, jumping off of the steps in a brassy manner, landing in a crouch in front of a pumpkin-headed scarecrow, "You just make sure to get your eyes checked out."

"Will do," Sarcastically said, the doors closed and the bus drove off in reverse to whence it came from.

Naruto sighed, eyeing the welcoming sign in the sticks of the pumpkin-headed scarecrow's arms, "Well, time to venture through clichéd land, I guess," He turned, his deadpanned expression becoming more profound at the sight of a haunted house-esque building he could only guess was the academy, "And now the academy's designed as a haunted house too. This blows!"

Slamming his hands down on the ground in petulant anger, rupturing it from the immense pressure of his blow, Naruto tussled his shoulders, then marched off through the woods in a grouchy demeanour.

"Maybe I shoulda just let Tsukune come here after all if this is all it has to ultimately offer," He mumbled, observing the decayed trees with bored glances of utter disinterest, "This is gotta be someone's stupid idea of a joke." Someone with the otherworldly ability to literally distinguish this territory from Planet Normal, but still.

"Coming through!~" A female's voice bubbled.

Pivoting on his heels, Naruto's eyes lifted slightly behind his orange-tinted lenses before he was forced to act quickly or run the risk of tanking a head on collision from an luscious bubble-gum-haired girl. All it took was the palm of his hand to keep the bicycle from ploughing him over, though the amount of force behind the charge was recoiled on the girl and she was sent flying off of her seat.

"Gotcha," One slick dematerialization later, and Naruto was now beneath the falling angel, readying his arms, which she surprisingly fluttered into like a delicate feather, her long creamy legs only slightly impeded by her skimpy short skirt and socks draping over his arms, 'Well, I'll be damned. I struck rich here.' His eyes, only slightly annoyed by her green blazer jacket not being orange, roamed her body with delight, coming to the conclusion her heavenly moulds were double C-cup.

"I'm sorry!" She gasped, her emerald-coloured eyes of unsullied purity looking startled up at his sunglasses-clad face.

"Hey, don't sweat it," Naruto said, softening his perverted grin to a charming smile, "We all make mistakes, y'know?"

"Yeah I guess," She said sheepishly, feeling reassured by an intangible blanket of warmth spreading around her form, 'So warm,' She noted, almost attempted to snuggle into the young man emitting such a divine aura.

"What's your name lady?" Naruto asked, carefully sliding the young woman's feet to the ground, feeling delightfully smug when her wobbly legs took her back into his torso, "Careful."

"I'm sorry!" She backed off, conjoining her arms in the centre of her chest shyly, "It's just you-."

"It's cool," Naruto shrugged before tactically explaining, "Folks say I have that sorta effect on 'em. Hell if I know what they mean though."

"Wow!" Wonderment shone brightly on her face, "You must be a really strong monster."

'Bingo. I knew this place couldn't have been a normal school,' Naruto's eyes narrowed, though his sunglasses masqueraded his contemplative expression, "Meh," He shrugged, "What monster are you honey?"

"I'm a vampire!" She sang cheerfully, giving Naruto a view of her fangs.

"Nice."

"Hmm," Shyly twiddling her foot with her arms now tucked behind her back, "I shouldn't really be telling you this, but if you don't mind vampires," She lifted up her hands, cupping the rosary above her breasts, consequently intensifying Naruto's stare, "But this rosary seals away from true powers. If it were ever removed, I would turn into my true form, a powerful vampire."

*Clink*

"Yoink!" Naruto said playfully, twirling the removed rosary in his hands.

"My," Eyes widened, the pink-haired vampire could feel a radiance of pure energy pulsing through her body, "Rosary…" With a soft gasp, her soft, innocent pink eyes hardened into a cold red and a brilliant spray of silver swept over her once cherry-blossomed hair. Although the increases Naruto diligently noted the most – energy increased among others – were the inflation of her gorgeous bosom and juicy rear.

"Holy cow!" He drooled, "Dang honey. You just went from an A to an A plus in my book."

When the rosary seal around Moka's breasts is removed, Moka's innocent-self vanishes as her inn-.

"Who the fuck is that?" Naruto asked, hastily observing his surroundings.

"I have no idea," Moka said, coolly tucking the bangs of her long silvery hair back behind her shoulder.

"The only useful piece of info I got from that monologue was your name," Naruto grinned, sweeping his nostrils with his index finger, "Name's Naruto by the way."

"Charmed," She said sarcastically.

"Question."

"Go on."

"Who's the real Moka? You or that other naïve Moka?" Naruto asked, squinting his eyes behind his lenses as he cupped his chin, "'Cuz to be honest with ya, I much prefer you to the other one, even know she's nice. You're just so much more kickass than her it's not even funny."

A sly smirk tugged at the lips of the hardened warrior Moka as she at least appreciated the bumbling oaf's honesty, "Why is that any concern of yours?" Even still, she didn't feel attached to him enough to share her personal secrets.

"Oh?" Naruto smirked, "Guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way, eh babes?"

"Oh?" She realized, propping a hand on her hip, "You actually think you can defeat me?"

"Baby, I have more power in my pinkie than you do in your whole body," Naruto teased, holding up his pinkie finger.

"You should know your place," Moka scoffed, unintentionally giving Naruto a glorious view of her white panties by lifting her leg up, pivoting on her heels and slamming a heel kick against Naruto's unmoving finger, "What?"

"Told ya," Naruto quipped.

"You just got lucky, fool!" Moka said defensively, unleashing a furry of Chun-li-esque kicks on Naruto, getting each one parried away from his smallest finger, 'Damn it! What the hell is this guy? I can't even budge him?'

"Would ya give it up babes?" Naruto playfully commanded, effortlessly stopping Moka's bombardment from grabbing her waists, sneering at her scowl. Having manned up over the months, now he loved angry women, simply because they could no longer push him around, "Gotcha."

"I think you're forgetting something?" Moka smirked, not offering any resistance.

"So then refresh my memory, would ya?" Naruto requested, instantly blocking a dirty knee aimed for his family jewels from Moka, "Ha! Oldest trick in the book!" Like a baseball, he chucked Moka toward a tree, easily closing the distance he had put between them and driving his forearm against her throat, pinning her to the tree.

Feeling subjugated as though she was kneeling before her father, Moka felt her sealed personality, strong-willed and self-assured, tag itself out for her unsealed mentality, soft and submissive, "Damn. What do you want?"

"Haha!" Naruto chortled, "Day~um! If I knew this was all it woulda taken to mellow out a tsundere I woulda dominated Sakura years ago!"

"What did you say?" Moka's eyes widened in outrage.

"You heard me."

"I'm not a tsundere!"

"Oh your reaction was so tsundere m'dear!"

Moka scowled passively, squirming softly against Naruto's scrawny form, "What do you want?" She whispered, almost resigning herself to her fate.

"Easy," Naruto lifted up the rosary, giving it a shake for good measure, "I want you to tell me what's up with the strong you essentially locking yourself into vulnerability," That was basically it. Naruto didn't have to be a genius to know he could so easily manipulate her with a few kind words.

He basically had her in his hands without ever even telling her his name!

"And why do you want to know so much?" She asked.

"Oh, just so I can pay the guy who had the bright idea to do so a visit," He said casually, making Moka widen her eyes, "Depending on your answer, I might just kill him… or her," Because discriminating genders as a ninja could cost a fool his life.

"Oh? You really think you can?" She smirked, letting off a round of titters, "Are you really so egotistical that you fee-."

"It has nothing to do with that!" Naruto shouted, startling Moka, "I just don't like to see injustice!"

"I see," Moka said in a calm understanding tone. The serenity in his words and his anger almost made her feel sorry for the person she was going to chaperone him too, but considering his initial attitude she could get over him fairly easy, "Fine. Let's go."

"To who?"

"My father."

You know, I've never seen an anime abuse plot convenience has much as Rosario+Vampire did. I'll give ya an example.

Outer Moka, being the bleeding heart she is, decides she doesn't want to "abandon" Yukari and goes off to find her, but she neither has a clue nor an inherent ability to ascertain her whereabouts, so how the fuck does she find her? She just does, conveniently appearing when these pricks were about to cut her out of the poorly written script.

Surely, they're not just going to let them have their overly dramatic, sappy moment, are they? They do. Then Yukari miraculously gains Narutoverse-like speed to bit one and stop their charge. So now you're thinking surely now she'll get what's coming to her. She doesn't because Tsukune coincidentally materializes before her to take the blow, then Kurumu saves the both of them. WTF? Finally Tsukune "accidentally" removes the rosary, and Inner Moka teaches the forcefully inept bullies their places.

Like BULL. FUCKING. SHIT any of that would've happened logically.

Another example of this show abusing plot-convenience would be Kurumu lunging at Tsukune and Outer Moka in her introductory episode. She takes AGES to actually fucking reach them, conveniently giving Tsukune the time he needs to whip the rosary off of Outer Moka and have inner Moka teach Kurumu her place.

Ridiculous.