{ Author's Note:
This is the final chapter of Heather's Lament. I want to thank you all so much for having followed this story through to the end, and reviews mean the absolute world to me. I hope you loved it as much as me!
A sequel to this story will be starting before long - So if you want to see Heather all the way to All Stars, be sure to follow my profile, so you'll be notified when it's posted!
Thank you again for reading - You're all awesome.
-ℋ }

July 18th, 2011

Saturday was absolutely scorching - which was exactly why we planned for everyone to arrive around three, when the air would be nice and lukewarm and might even call for a fire.

At noon, though, it was starting to heat up, and I was jittering at the airport with a coffee in my hand. Sierra caught a relatively early flight so we could go to the campsite together and set up before having to run around picking up everybody else. I was already bugging about how stressful rounding everybody up from different gates and airports was going to be, and a knot was tying in my stomach at the thought that Sierra would be walking out that hall any second now.

"Why so nervous, Heathen? You've met Sierra before."

I snickered a bit and leaned back, drinking from the coffee again. "Yeah, I've met Sierra-who-hated-me before. This is totally different. What if she hugs me or something? I don't know how to hug. I haven't been trained."

He laughed and leaned over me. "We can practice right here right now, c'mere!"
"NOOO DAD DON'T TOUCH ME!"

We started wrestling over the chair while I fought his impending hug, and the battle over my personal space wasn't compromised until we realized we were being photographed.

Sierra was standing unceremoniously to our left, snapping phone pictures like she was a paparazzi service. I looked up at her and she waved like it was completely casual. And I guess it was.

I hugged her. Then my dad hugged both of us. And it was a lot easier than I thought.

The van was totally packed with stuff. I explained to Sierra that we needed to unload all of it at the campsite so we'd have enough room for everybody later in the day.

"Oh my goodness! This is a whole lot bigger in person than it looked on the computer!" Sierra exclaimed, hopping out of the car and looking around with her arms extended, like that was somehow helping her gauge the square-footage.

"Well it cost a pretty penny to rent out…" my dad commented, lugging a collapsable table from the trunk. I rolled my eyes at him for being lame and rushed to Sierra's side again.

"Are you at all.. Like… Nervous to see everyone?" I asked quietly.

"Uh, no?" she responded like that was a completely ridiculous notion. "They're our friends! Why would I be nervous?"

I grew a bit hot in the face and turned, retrieving two packages of plastic cups and paper plates from the front seat. "Our friends? Some of them you've never even met before! Like the people who only competed on Season one?"

She snickered and dangled her phone like a plaything. "I still know everything about them thoooouuuugh!"

"More than I know about them, probably…" I snickered back, and she slammed into me with such great force I almost toppled over. She hugged me close to her side and rubbed my shoulder.

"It's going to be fiiiiineee! You need to stop worrying that people are gonna come out of the airport gate, see you, and be like, HOLY CRAP, HEATHER, MY MORTAL ENEMY, I MUST SLAY YOU NOW, and like, retrieve a samurai sword and plunge it directly into your chest! It's nawt gonna happen girl, I swear."

I laughed at the visual, trying to pull out of her forced hug to no avail. "You don't understand! That could actually happen with Harold!"

Then she laughed. So hard that she snorted, which I totally forgot she did. "You've gawt to calm down, child," she cooed, and cut me off before I could question her using of the world child. "This is gonna be soooo much fun! Don't psyche yourself out! Everyone's excited to see you specifically, otherwise they wouldn't have accepted the invite! You don't go to parties hosted by people you hate!"

I finally pulled away from her and walked the bags of cups and plates to the table my dad had unloaded. "First of all, this is not a party." I insisted. She pointed matter-of-factly to the sixty or so red solo cups and I bit my lip, somewhat defeated. "... Point made," I muttered, "but still. You're not nervous about seeing anyone? Not even Cody!"

"Not at all!" she exclaimed chipperly. "Me and Cody are actually well on our way to married-ville! EEEEEEE!"
"Pfffft!"
"No! Oh-em-gee I'm serious! Look at this conversation we had yesterday!"

Pretty much for the next two and a half hours Sierra and I read past text messages from Cody and tried to decypher boy-lingo while my dad did all of the unpacking and setting up.

He finished up with the huge tents, which probably weren't that easy to set up alone, and then stood, wiping his hands. He sarcastically thanked us for being such a huge help, and we full-heartedly told him he was very welcome, still hovering over Sierra's phone screen. (By the way, I deduced that Cody did seem kind of seriously into her.)

"Well girls, we've got to get going again. Your other friend's flights are set to be in soon."

We both leaped up like we'd heard a gunshot. "IT'S THREE ALREADY?"

"Nearly! It's crazy how long you girls can go on about boys."

I blushed as I crawled back into the now-empty car, because I had never particularly thought myself to be the kind of girl that gushes about boys for hours. Sierra kind of turned me into that kind of girl when she was around, though. I wondered absentmindedly if Alejandro would still like me if he saw me gossiping with Sierra like a typical Lindsay-type.

Then I realized I was thinking about a boy again and stopped.

"PAAARTTYY! WOOOH! WOOOH! THE WHOLE GANGS BACK TOGETHER!" Owen.

"Yeah, that's great and all, but… What made you think we were all gonna fit into this minivan?" DJ.

"I can ride in the trunk if you want." Harold.

"You may have to…" Dad.

"Uhm, I call shotgun! Crowded places make me sweat, and sweat causes skin cancer or something!" Justin.

"Ohhhmigawd, that's awful! I second Justin's request for shotgun!" Katie.

"Me too!" Sadie.

"I call roof." Duncan.

"That sounds really fun, actually! Let's all ride on the roof!" Lindsay.

"With how accident prone your poor boy toy is? I don't think so girl." LeShawna.

"Hey! I'm not accident prone! I'm just.. Uh.. I'm…" Tyler.

"Me and Cody-Wody can share a seat!" Guess who.

I smacked a hand to my forehead for the sixth or seventh time since everyone grouped together. "We'll just have to make two rounds! One half of you get in, and the other half of you wait here with me."

"You sure you're okay with that?" My dad asked. I nodded.

"Who wants to wait around for the second pickup with me?"

"I will." came a deep, deadpan voice. … Noah. I glanced at him and felt a little nervous, remembering again what our last interaction had been. I felt really vulnerable suddenly, knowing he'd seen me cry.

"I'll wait too," Justin said, a glint in his eye. "The fresh air is good for my pores."

"Like your perfect pores need any help!" exclaimed Sadie, and he struck a pose.

"Want me to stay with you?" Sierra asked, and I shook my head.

"No, I think you should stay with the first group because you know what's going on at the campsite. Just. Text me or something." My phone buzzed in my pocket. "I didn't mean right this second, you dipshit!"

"We'll stay here with Justin!" said Thing one and two.

"Shocking." Justin muttered.

"Me and Lindsay will stick behind too." LeShawna said. "I think that's enough people to make it work."

"Yeah," my dad agreed, looking over everyone. "That sounds good. Everyone pile in!"

So Sierra, Cody, Harold, Beth, Duncan, Tyler, Owen and DJ piled in.

And me, Noah, Justin, Katie, Sadie, LeShawna, and Lindsay stuck behind.

I didn't realize exactly how awkward my group was until all the others had pulled away, blasting Duncan's music out the speakers. We were all silent until the car was far enough in the distance that we no longer heard Owen's persistent "WOOOHS", and then things felt a bit uncomfortable.

I glanced over my group, and for a moment, and they glanced at each other, and all of a sudden I was hit with a very strong wave of nostalgia… And started laughing.

"What's so funny?" Lindsay asked with a cocked head.

"This just… reminds me.." I paused to grin. "Like, right after Chris would split us into two teams, and we all looked at each other like Fuck."

They all busted into laughter, especially Noah, who must've found me especially funny.

"It's… exactly like that, actually." Noah said.

"We should pick a team name," Sadie said. "And you text Sierra and tell them to pick one too!" Katie added.

"But they've got one more person than us!" LeShawna observed, and a couple of us nodded.

"That's alright," Noah commented. "We can have Alejandro's ghost."

I stiffened really, really hard suddenly.

And I got that same feeling I did before my "episode" before.

The whole group went silent.

"Really, really, not funny." I said quietly.

LeShawna elbowed Noah and rushed to my side, rubbing my shoulder. "Hey! Alejandro is fine Heather, the boy didn't just drop off the face of the Earth! C'mon, let me show you this thing I brought you…." She started fishing into one of her bags.

I untensed a little. "You.. brought me something?"

"Yeah. I felt bad about our little fight and thought it'd be nice to bring you a little gift…"

"If it's a wig, you're like a year and a half too late." I stated. She laughed and instead pulled out several disposable cameras. I blinked.

"Um, LeShawna, you're aware it's 2011, right?"

She rolled her eyes and offered one two me, which I took and looked over, cheap plastic and yellow wrapping and all. "Film cameras just feel more nostalgic for me. You can go get them printed instead of keeping them on your phone for a few months and deleting them. Besides, I thought you'd like to have keepsakes to show Alejandro when you meet back up!" She drug out his name all fancy like and my stomach churned a little. "To show him what he missed out on, of course. What's the point of a party if you can't brag?"

"True. That." Justin.

I forced half a grin and spun the winder on top the camera. "That's really kind of you, LeShawna. But I'd.. kind of rather no one bring Alejandro up, if that's okay…"

"Awwwww!" chimed Katie and Sadie, and I felt annoyed that they felt pity for me. I didn't want to be pitiable.

But I'd gone into the hospital the week before for an Alejandro-based "episode." Of course I was pitiable.

"Come on girl!" LeShawna urged. "You two are gonna cross paths again. Maybe it'll be a minute, but it'll happen. The two of you were made for each other."

"Yeah!" said Sadie.

"Definitely." Noah said flatly. "I didn't even like the guy, but, he was definitely head over heels for you."

"Mhm!" Lindsay chirped. "Absolutely."

"Wait, hold on…" Justin said, and we all stopped and looked at him. "Who's Alejandro?"

Despite the legitimacy of his question, everyone burst into laughter again without answering. Then Lindsay took the camera from my hands, clicked it once to test, then turned it to us.

"Everyone say 'Team Alejandro Is Really Really Really Really Hot!'"

Click.

3:40 PM, Everyone had finally met up together at the campsite, and everyone was unpacking their stuff.

"Team Owen's Indigestion!" cheered the remaining nine in a much happier tone than "indigestion" should ever be said.

"Ohmygawd," I said, sounding something like Sierra. "Why?"

"Think about it.." Duncan shrugged. "Has anyone ever beaten it in a fight?"

That got half a smile from me, a laugh from Noah, and… a fart from Owen.

I raised the disposable camera and took the group shot, including a few victorious faces and one or two looks of disgust from the smell.

"Okay," I said, glancing over at the two gigantic tents my dad had set up, "How about Team Owen's Indigestion gets one tent, and the rest of us get the other?"

"The rest of us?" Lindsay asked. "Are you ashamed of our team name, Heather?"

I cringed, but was fighting a smile.

"Say it." Noah prompted. "Say it out loud."

"Whatever, Edward Cullen!" I toted, turning and crossing my arms. "He's… He's not all that…. all that… hot anyway."

Everyone laughed, and my face burned red, but I couldn't help but smile. As the crowd teased me about being "in looooovvve", Cody raised an awkward hand. I eyed his formality a bit oddly, but asked what he wanted.

"I brought my own tent," he explained, gesturing to a bag beside the table. "I was kind of wanting Sierra and I to… sleep apart from everyone else?"

My eyes widened for a moment, and I actually looked around to see if anyone else heard that, but no one seemed to be phased. Oh my god, Sierra was right… Cody is being kind of serious about her! She and I exchanged nervous, excited looks before I nodded at Cody. "That's.. fine. The sleeping arrangements aren't set in stone."

Things went pretty well for a few hours, everyone was goofing off and drinking this really bad punch I shouldn't have bought. By the time six rolled around, though, the sun was starting to go down and everyone was calming a bit.

We all crowded around the fire pit in the shade, and cliques found each other. The previous members of Team Victory (LeShawna, Harold, Lindsay and DJ) were in a quad and talking excitedly, with Tyler lingering around them to gawk at Lindsay. Justin was surrounded by his fans, Katie, Sadie, and Beth. Noah and Owen were doing… Whatever it is that boys do. Fart jokes or something.

My instinct was to go buddy up with Sierra again, but her and Cody were talking, and I had the thought that she'd much rather hang out with him than me.

Ugh. Great.

My worst nightmare about this camping trip was already coming true: I was alone.

I dug my nails into my arm and was already having the thought that this whole thing was a huge mistake, when I saw.. Duncan. Looking just as alone as I was. And.. kind of bummed. He was off from the circle, sitting against a tree, and when we met eyes he waved me over.

I glanced around like maybe he'd been talking to someone else, but it was definitely me, so I walked over and had a seat beside him underneath the tree.

"Hey." he said.

"Hey." I said.

"... Remember when we had friends?" He asked. I snorted.

"No. No I do not."

He laughed and leaned back. "Remember when we were on the show and could pretend we had friends?"

"That I remember." I laughed.

"... Wanna talk?" he asked, not looking at me or particularly facing me, just staring off at the others a bit away. I did the same, leaning with my back to the tree. The sun was still going down.

"Talk about what, exactly?" I asked.

"I dunno. I hear you aren't doing so good." he said. I tensed again.

"Who exactly did you hear that from?" I asked, half wondering if Sierra had posted some shit I'd told her not to on her blog.

He just snickered and didn't answer the question, instead saying "You know, I'm… not doing so great myself."

I blinked a few times and half wondered why he was telling me this. Not because I didn't want to know, but because me and Duncan weren't exactly BFF's. Then again, I wasn't exactly BFF's with anyone.

"Oh, uh, yeah?" I asked, swallowing. "... I've been in therapy since the season ended."

He sat up a little straighter. "Me too, actually."

"Oh…" My thoughts drifted to a lot of things right then, but I just watched Justin off in the distance trying to climb a tree for some reason while everyone laughed.

"Isn't it weird how like... We've been gone like three years. And that's just. Way too long to just return to normalcy like nothing happened."

My eyes widened a little and I looked at him, studied his face in the dying light for a moment. ".. Yeah…" I said. "Exactly. My mom doesn't seem to get that this show completely shaped me as a person."

"Right?!" he exclaimed with a bit more vigor than I expected, and I stifled a half-hearted laugh. "... I was really hoping Gwen was going to be here." He said quietly after a moment.

I remembered it was past six and scanned the crowd for Sierra. "They're probably over there skyping her right now!" I said. "You can go over and see her if you want."

He didn't budge. He just let out a long sigh. And he looked very, very lonely.

"Me and Gwen are supposed to be, like, together, you know? But I've barely gotten three texts from her since the game ended. She's avoiding me to all hell and I don't know why. And she didn't come on this trip even though it'd be a chance for us to see each other again."

"I don't think that's why she didn't come," I offered. "She told me she couldn't get out of work."

He ignored me and kept talking. "And obviously Courtney won't be calling me up any time soon because I fucked that up way beyond repair. She'll probably never speak to me again, much less pursue a friendship. And, again, she didn't come here, specifically to avoid me." His voice wavered with emotion for a moment before he quickly replaced the sadness with anger, hitting his fist against the ground beside me. "God! You know, I'm not sure what it is about me that makes people want to leave, but I'm starting to think it's just my whole entire personality."

Ouch. That last bit actually hit me through the heart.

This was… Unexpected, and maybe a little weird, but clearly Duncan was having some real problems right now. In addition, problems I could actually relate to a lot. It was time to put my Sierra-training to use and actually try the friend thing.

"Duncan…"

He turned and looked at me, and the scowl on his face masked a lot of hurt. It reminded me of… me.

"... The one time anyone ever actually took the time to understand me enough to be my friend, I shoved them away. I mean, literally shoved. Like, I shoved him off a volcano."

That won a small laugh from him.

"And… I know I'm never going to find him again. Literally, or, um, metaphorically. Because there's never going to be another Alejandro, you know? I feel like… That was my one and only shot at happiness, and I fucked it up, and that opportunity is never going to present itself to me. Like… I feel like shoving Alejandro off that volcano was the climax of my entire life, and my whole life after that is just going to be like… Coping with the fact that he's gone."

His eyebrows curved up with sympathy, and he nervously toyed with his lip ring. "What about… Sierra? You're close with her, aren't you?"

I swallowed, glancing out again. "She doesn't even notice I'm gone. Sierra has a million friends. I'm just one. Not even a particularly special one. I mean, she'd leave me for Cody in a heartbeat. Fuck, she'd leave me for a rock that's shaped a little bit like Cody's head in a heartbeat."

He nodded slowly and leaned his head back against the tree again.

"... And everyone keeps telling me that I need to keep faith or whatever, that he's going to be back. But the thing is… I know he's not. Even if we ever do meet again, he's not going to want anything to do with me. He has every reason to hate me."

"I know that feeling…" he said, and I knew he was thinking of Courtney.

"And just… I feel bad about it, because I know everyone's trying to help, but their words just feel so empty. It's not gonna get better. It's not."

"At least people try to reassure you!" Duncan insisted. "When I talk about the two people I've ever cared about wanting nothing to do with me, people just agree!" I laughed a bit and he squinted at me. "Or, you know, call me a fucking pussy or something."

I pretended to think hard on that. "Hmm… I think you are being kind of a pussy," I teased.

"Aw man! C'mon, what about you, huh? Over here reading like a damn open book? Who are you and what have you done with Heather?"

I laughed so hard my sides started to hurt. "Maybe we're both going soft."

"God I hope not!" he exclaimed, throwing his hands up. "My only appeal is in my rugged bad-boy exterior!"

"Are you sure about that? I, personally, could live without it." I was gripping my stomach at this point - his over reactions were pretty funny.

He put on an offended face. "What!? Come on, Heather, that's the only thing I have going for me!"

"I don't know about that," I said, calming down. "I think I prefer open-Duncan."

"Even if he's a pussy?"

"Mhm."

We were looking right at each other then, and there was just enough light still seeping through the trees for us to see each other. Our eyes didn't leave one another's, and slowly, he started to lean towards me.

My breath caught in my chest. And then I leaned in, just a little. My skin prickled and I felt a pressure building in my stomach, and suddenly we were close enough for me to feel the warmth radiating from his skin.

But I didn't kiss him.

I couldn't.

I pulled away completely, turning off away from the view of the campsite and letting my hair fall into my face to shroud me. My shoulders shook slightly with my trembling breath. I heard Duncan behind me let out a slow, soft sigh.

"... Is… Is it Alejandro?" he asked.

I squeezed my eyes shut as tight as I could and I nodded.

He put a hand on my back. Then I turned, and hugged him. And he hugged me too.

I hugged him especially tight.

Then we both got up together and returned to the others.

"What would you have done differently?"

The fire crackled.

"I would've been kinder. More considerate." Cody.

"I would've just plain never come at all." DJ.

"I would've been…. More selective with my trust…" Lindsay said, and everyone looked at me. I smirked and looked almost proud.
"... Also I wouldn't have voted LeShawna off in Season one." Quiet laughter rumbled around the circle.

"I would have been nicer to my best friend. Instead of trying to pull her down all the time." Katie. Sadie pulled an arm around her.
"Me too. Some things are more important."

"I would've tried harder and cared less about what people thought of me, especially in season one." Beth.

"Not befriended Owen." Noah.
"Heeeyyyy…"
"Okay fine. I guess I maybe would've shown a little more initiative."

"I'm not sure there's anything I would've done different." Sierra.
"Me neither!" Owen.

"I'm with DJ. I'd go back in time and stop myself from ever auditioning." Duncan.

"I think I could've stood to be a bit more independant. And, like, stood up for myself?" Harold. "Also I wouldn't have voted off LeShawna in season one."

"I'd have tried harder to serve as a good role model instead of a bad one." LeShawna.

"I don't know. I guess I'm just glad I had the opportunity." Tyler.

"I guess I would've talked more? I don't know, I feel like that's a cop out." Justin.

Everyone looked to me, then. I was the only one who hadn't answered.

"I would've…"

What wouldn't I have done different?

I should've been kinder. Nicer. Tried to open up more. Focused less. Appreciated the things that would inevitably end.

Not kicked Alejandro off that fucking volcano.

Kissed him while I still had the chance.

"I would've won the million dollars."

Everyone laughed. "Me too!" came a chorus of voices.

"I'd like to change my answer to that," commented Noah.

I grinned and leaned nearer to Sierra, who was sitting at my right.

And I felt, at the moment, like I was surrounded by friends.

We played truth or dare for hours until people were starting to fall asleep.
(Justin lost three articles of clothing for refusing to complete dares that might damage his hair, Lindsay and Katie kissed, Noah was dared to spend half the game on my lap, Tyler had to down the entire remaining bowl of horrible punch in one go, LeShawna lost her shirt, Cody admitted to editing abs onto his facebook pictures, Sierra licked so. many. things, and we got pictures of everything.)

By the time midnight had rolled around, everyone had sorted into their respective team tents (except for Sierra and Cody, who were in their single doing.. whatever.)

I couldn't sleep, though. How could I, everything considered?

I was sort of thinking about things that should've been really far from my mind. Like the fact that I'm really really bent in the head nowadays.

Bent enough that Sierra didn't understand my "episode". Bent enough that I felt isolated around everyone but Duncan, who is pretty bent now himself.

Not to say I wasn't having an amazing time. I was! I was blending in with everyone like we were just a big group of friends, but at the same time… I wasn't.

World Tour changed me in a way I don't think it changed a lot of people.

I was half wishing Duncan was in my tent so I could talk to him again when my thoughts were interrupted by a voice.

"Hey… Heather… Are you still up?"

I shifted in my sleeping bag, squinting against the bright light omitting from their phone screen.

"Mhm. Is anyone else?" I turned over to see Noah sitting in the corner, scrolling through Buzzfeed or something.

"Nope. I'm pretty sure everyone else is out. Which means we beat Team Owens Indigestion."

I sat up, the corners of my mouth turning up somewhat. "So you wanna go draw on the other team?" A previously established plan between all members of Team Alejandro Is Really Really Really… whatever.

He smirked. "Well, I'm not saying we should do it, I'm just saying it'd be incredibly disappointing if we didn't do it."

I laughed and went for the paint markers (and one of the disposable cameras we hadn't filled yet) buried beneath other countless supplies we hadn't even used - glow sticks, crosswords, games. My dad had way over-prepared to make sure we'd all have something to do. Little did he know that Total Drama had taught us to have fun with nothing but a tree and most of Justin's clothes.

We tiptoed around our teammates and back out into the night, where the breeze was a little chilly but the air was mostly warm and baked.

"Okay," I said in a hushed tone. "What's the game plan? Are we going old school with the mustaches or are we gonna shoot straight to dicks?"

Noah chuckled, not doing much to keep his voice down. "Hey, let your morals lie where they may. But Owen's getting dicked."

I gasped, like one of those completely enthralled gasps that meant I was totally excited to have gained dirt on somebody, and he turned a shade of burgundy that was noticeable even in the dark. "That sounded kind of.."

"Don't. Mention. It."

"You know, I thought it was kind of strange you were so apathetic about spending the night on my lap…"

"Shut up. That's not what I meant."

"Do you guys wanna make your way to Cody and Sierra's sex tent when they're done with it?"

"EWWW?!"

I started laughing, but then quickly quieted myself because I didn't want to wake up Team Owen's Indigestion.

"God," Noah muttered. "I don't even get a new one? You expect me to climb right into a used dirty sex tent? Like some kind of animal?"

"PfffhahahahahHAHAHAHAHA!"

I gotta admit. The idea of Cody and Sierra's used sex tent was pretty disgusting. I made the decision right then that there was no way I was risking walking in there to draw dicks on either of their faces.

"So, if I provided you with a new sex tent, a cleanly, disinfected sex tent, would Owen be -ahem - getting dicked?"

"Literally, don't make me barf."

I laughed again. "Who, then? Surely someone's on your mind. Mister quiet kid in the back pretending Buzzfeed doesn't suck."

"Hey, Buzzfeed is - How did you even…" He sighed. "What's it matter to you?"

"It doesn't." I said simply. "I was trying to be friendly by pretending to care about your life. Did it work?"

"Spectacularly." He rolled his eyes. "Actually, there is someone-"

"Did you not just hear me? I said I don't care."

He stared at me for a moment, like he couldn't decide if I was joking or not, before eventually deciding I was and laughing. I smirked.

"Me and… Somebody, kind of had a thing going for a while. But now I'm not so sure it's a thing anymore. I feel kind ignored I guess."

My eyes widened, because god damn it, I love gossip. "Oh my gawsh, who?"

"That, I'm not telling you."

"Oh come on! Is it someone here?" He turned away and didn't answer, which told me that it was. I cackled. "Oh my gawd. Is it someone on Team Owen's Indigestion? Because we can use the permanent markers on them if they're ignoring you. There's literally no way to remove them, I brought them just in case someone pissed me off."

He laughed. "Okay - First of all, that's awesome, but no."

I paused. "Does that mean they're on our team? Oh my gawd, is it LeShawna?"

"As if. You know, I think this conversation is over now, let's go dick Owen."

He tried to walk forward, but I stopped him, stomping one of my clunky ass clogs into the ground like a child. "Come oooonnn! Is it… me?" I joked, and struck a pose.

He was fighting a laugh again. I don't think I've ever seen Noah laugh so much before, unless I just wasn't paying attention. I wondered again if he just thinks I'm especially funny. I posed for too long and he yanked my arm down and told me to shut up.

"Okay. So if it's not LeShawna, and it's not me, and I know it's not Lindsay or Beth, then…"

I froze suddenly, remembering a particular page I'd seen on Sierra's ship blog once. I gasped.

"IT'S JUSTIN!"

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ALRIGHTY THEN THIS WAS FUN LET'S GO DO THE MARKER THING NOW THANKS HEATHER…"

"OH MY GAWD."

"Lower. Your. Voice."

"Man, Sierra's blog isn't complete nonsense after all…"

"I don't know if I'd go making jumps like that."

I crossed my arms and thought for a moment. "You and Justin had a thing. Seriously?"

He crossed his arms too and looked embarrassed. "What, are you gonna fetch me a sex tent?"

I laughed. "Maybe."

"Listen, I realize who I'm talking to right now, but please don't say anything."

I acted fake shocked and offended. "Me? A gossip?"

"Please, Heather?"

"Fine. But on one condition."

"I'm shocked."

"You need to post publically that you think I am completely awesome and a good friend. And that my camping trip was totally amazing. And that my life is going totally great."

His lip twitched like he was trying not to laugh at me. Then he nodded. "Alright. Deal."

"Come on then," I said. "Let's go dick Owen."

For the record, we did dick Owen. We dicked him hard. I also wrote the word "PUSSY" on Duncan's forehead. Just in case he forgot that I'm awful.

Also, those paint markers that like, bubble? You know what I'm talking about? The gelly shit that middle school girls use to write on shirts? We left dabs of that like, all over Beth's body, and honestly, she's probably still trying to wash it. We left poor DJ alone though, except for the word "VICTORY" down his arm in green bubbles, and "MOMMA" down the other.

Miraculously, we managed to wake no one, and tiptoed out of the Team Owen's Indigestion tent undetected. Before we could hide back into our own tent again, though, Noah stopped me.

"Hey Heather? I was wanting to talk to you about something."

I stopped and turned, expecting more Justin gossip. "What's up?"

"You remember that time… Like, four months ago on the train, when we were coming home?"

Any safety I'd been feeling around Noah before that moment was now rolling off my shoulders and into a shallow grave. I bristled.
"No," I said, even though I could still see the look in his eyes when he saw me. How shocked he looked to see me beaten down and vulnerable. "I don't know what you're talking about."

I tried to climb into the tent again, but he stopped me. "We were coming home from World Tour, and we were on the same train. But I didn't realize you were there."

I forced myself to swallow down some kind of emotion. "It's not like you would've done anything if you did realize I was on the train."

"I… I mean I… I probably would've sat near you or something."

"Thanks?" I said, growing an edge. "I'm really not that comfortable with this conversation."

"I'm… I'm not trying to make you feel uncomfortable or anything, I just… Felt like we needed to talk about it."

"Why?" I asked harshly, stiffening further. I tried to stand up taller, like I could out-size him to intimidate him.

"Because you seemed really upset then, and I wanted to… apologize for not helping you? I guess?"

My face was turning red with anger and humiliation. "It wasn't like that, okay! Just because I cried one time doesn't mean I'm some weak pathetic little thing who has to result to talking to someone as irrelevant as you!"

He gained this expression on his face that I swear, burned into my retinas forever. It wasn't anger, or sadness, it was just… Disappointment. Not disappointment like he was disappointed in himself, but in me. Like he expected me to be better than this.

The worst thing about it was that I felt I'd seen that expression before. Thinking on it, I recalled it on Alejandro's face. And my father's. And I wanted to cry.

"Weak and pathetic?" He repeated. "Heather, don't push your insecurities on me. Your use of those words has a lot more to do with how you think of yourself than how I think of you."

It was like he'd reached out and slapped me across the face. I didn't know what to do, because I couldn't run into the tent. So instead, I ran towards the woods, away from the clearing until I found a stupid stump away from everything and sat and bawled.

I felt so much self hatred in that moment it could've choked and killed me. I was remembering every time I'd seen that look before, that "I thought you were something better than this" look.

The way Alejandro looked at me when I hurt his feelings. Like in Drumheller - twice - and when were standing over the lava. The visual reminded me of the burn I'd gotten up my leg, and I reached to touch it to find nothing there anymore. I dug my nails into the skin and hoped silently that Alejandro was just as healed.

I'd seen that look on my mom's face, too, when I'd been lying in the hospital bed, when I couldn't stop crying about the mangled, burnt body I'd seen on the screen. But I hadn't cared very much when I saw that look from my mom - it hurt so much more on the face of my dad,
When I was younger and would get moody, or say that I hated him,
Or when he would catch me in a lie,
Or when I confided in him that I wanted to kill myself.

That's why I was sent to therapy in the first place. I remember that, then, and half wished I had my diary with me at that moment. That I could grip at the soft, smooth moleskine and wrap it to my chest, and twirl the little green ribbon around my finger like I did when I was anxious or scared.

I wondered if I still did want to kill myself. I thought about it, and wasn't completely sure.

Yes, but also no.

Kind of like, Yes, but not quite yet, I'll wait a little longer just in case things magically get better soon.

I wondered if Dr. Kenwar would give me that same disappointed look if I told him that.

I held my legs and kept crying until the pain between my ribs began to die down. Then I heard footsteps cracking sticks and leaves behind me, and I froze.

"Heather…?"

Sierra. I let out a breath. "Yeah…" I said quietly.

She came around the stump, looking terribly tired, followed closely by Cody. "Noah woke me up," she explained. "He said you were all upset."

I bit the inside of my cheek. "Sorry. I'm okay. You guys can go back to bed."

She shook her head with a warm, sleepy smile and sat beside me on the stump, placing a hand on my back and rubbing it gently. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said. "Just the usual shit I guess. You're used to it by now, huh?"

"Oh Heather…" she said sadly. "Tonight was supposed to be fun. You aren't supposed to be like this right now."

I couldn't help but hear that as "Why can't you magically turn your mental illness off?" but I didn't comment on it.

"I have had fun," I said.

Cody sat down on the ground a bit in front of us, looking tired himself. Looking at him, I actually cheered up a little, because it reminded me of what he'd said during the finale - the moment I'd actually felt like I'd made someone kind of proud. And maybe I had made Cody proud. That didn't exactly level out - one account of making someone proud against a thousand and two accounts of disappointing people - but it still made me feel better right then.

I remembered that I had never gotten to truly thank him for that, and I felt the time was appropriate for whatever reason, so I said: "Hey Cody? You remember during the World Tour finale, right? When you were one of my helpers, and, you said that thing?"

He looked up and smiled a little. "What thing?"

"You said that I was the good guy. And I know that was a small thing, and maybe you don't even remember saying it, but… that really-"

I was cut off. "Oh. I mean, you and Alejandro were both bad guys, really. You were just like, the lesser of two evils. Because you didn't feed me to a shark."

I felt like my heart froze for a second. "... Oh."

He shrugged like he hadn't just taken something very important from me.

"I never called you the good guy. I just said you were… not the bad guy."

I nodded slowly. I half expected Sierra to do something, but she didn't. Just kept rubbing my back.

"So you think… I…"

"Think what?"

Cody seemed completely oblivious to the tears burning in my eyes.

"Am I a bad person, completely?" I asked quietly.

He looked up like he had no idea what to say. Every second he hesitated felt like a knife in the heart.

"I… I… Heh, I don't really… I can't really answer that, Heather."

I folded in on myself and cried again. I mean, he was right, wasn't he? If even someone like Cody, who can see the good in pretty much anyone, couldn't see the good in me…

Surely it just plain wasn't there, right?

No one said anything. I cried, and cried, and cried, and Sierra held me like I was four years old, and I clung onto her like she was the only thing I had. But she didn't say anything.

And I really, really wished she would've.

Cody sat silent too, picking at the grass and just looking uncomfortable. I realized that Cody must really dislike me for some reason, which was hurtful because I'd previously had a pretty high opinion of him. I felt sick to my stomach remembering the times we'd called or texted and knowing that he'd been annoyed by my presence the entire time.

That meant Sierra had lied, too, when she made excuses for why he didn't want to talk to me. Why hadn't I seen through that?

Why did I even care? Why did I care at all what that stupid brat had to say about me?

I didn't know. I still don't. I just let Sierra walk me back to camp.

To be honest, I laid in her arms the rest of the night, and she held me very tightly. And I took some solace in knowing she was staying another week, and that the next night might be something like this too.

I never did sleep. I knew my dad would be by to get everybody - or at least the first load - around eight AM so we could go back home for breakfast, but I heard somebody up and rummaging around the fire ring at 6:30 or so, so I wriggled my way out of Sierra's grasp and out of the single tent. I found Harold sitting on one of the logs by himself, blinking in the light. I walked over to one of the opposing seats and sat.

"Morning," I said softly.

"Mornin'," he replied, stretching. "Hey, you were the one who drew on everybody, didn't you?"

I snorted. Oh my gawd. I totally forgot we did that.

"Well," he said, "Thank you for not drawing on me. I'm allergic to most paint."

I realized then that he hadn't lifted his shirt yet to see the message we'd left on his stomach. I gave a cheesy grin and cocked my head. "You're welcome, dude!"

"I'm wicked hungry," he said. "and I couldn't sleep very well with such a crowded tent."

"Sorry," I said. "Breakfast won't be for a few hours yet, but there's still snacks in the other tent if you need something to hold you over."

"Thanks." He got up and went to find something to eat, returning a minute later with, literally, an entire box of twinkies. He threw me one and I unwrapped it.

"Hey, uh, Harold?"

"Yup?"

"I know we don't really talk a lot exactly."

"You could say that."

I snickered. "I was just wondering if you still remembered…"

"That conversation we had on the kayak, right?"

"Yeah!" I smiled. "How'd you know?"

"I'm pretty much psychic."

I smiled again. Harold hadn't changed a tiny bit since the game, and something about that was weirdly comforting.

"I know that right after that I kind of, like, left you, but I still -"

He shushed me. "Don't worry about it. You were just being you. And I respect that."

I smiled again, but mostly because he was amusing me. "What exactly do you mean by that?"

"I mean that everybody has a different way of coping with the world. I'm not going to judge you for the way that you deal with things. That's just how you are. And that's cool. If everybody just accepted that everyone is the way they are, things would be a lot simpler."

I paused. "That was surprisingly competent of you," I smiled.

"For example," he started, "I cope through wicked bad-ass roleplay."

I sputtered and laughed. "To be honest, your coping method sounds way funner than mine." I was grinning ear to ear, then. He stood.

"Come here. You need a hug. I can tell."

"Oh, I uh, I don't really do hugs…"

"Come here."

I complied, and I have to admit, the hug thing was getting easier. As we pulled away, I went out on a limb and asked the question that'd been itching my brain since the previous night.

"So, uh, you don't think I'm… You know. A bad person?"

"Not at all!" he replied. "I don't really believe in bad people. Everybody feels alone, and everybody's scared. And everyone deals with that fear differently, and that shouldn't be held against them, because honestly, being a human is kind of terrifying."

My face flushed, and I felt a whole lot better. I realized then that he sounded a lot like LeShawna, and the fact that she put up with him started to make more sense.

"Even if I did believe in the concept of bad people, I still don't think you would be one," he added.

"Thank you Harold… That makes me feel a lot better, actually… You make a lot of sense."

"Happy to help!" He sat back down and unwrapped another twinkie. I took a bite of my own.

"So," I said, "That's why you pretend to be a samurai? Because you're scared?"

"Well, that, and also samurai's are awesome."

I smiled, and then I heard Beth shriek from the tent because she'd woken up covered in bubbles.

My mom had made enough biscuits and gravy to account for fifteen people. What she hadn't accounted for was that Owen alone could take down enough biscuits and gravy for fifteen normal people.

But we made it work.

Everyone was seated around my very crowded kitchen table, laughing and telling stories from the previous night. My mom seemed to be surprised to realize I even had so many friends.

"You're all Heather's friends from that reality show?" she asked, just hardly peaking out of the kitchen.

"Oh yeah!" LeShawna said. "We go way back!"

"What, do you not recognize us?" Justin asked, seeming offended that someone might forget his beautiful face.

"Well, I.." My mom stuttered and seemed almost ashamed for a moment. "I never really watched the show…"

"What?!" Lindsay exclaimed. "Ohhh my gawd, we have so many stories about Heather we could tell you!

"IIIIII don't really think that's necessary!" I chirped, and Owen laughed.

"Oh no, it's too late for that!" LeShawna said. "Rachel - that's your name, right ma'am? Have a seat, let me tell you a thing or two about your daughter."

For at least an hour, we all recounted tales from the past three years of Total Drama, and I laughed so hard I was crying several times. The best part was probably Duncan telling about the time Gwen and I had tricked him and Owen into trusting us and we stole all of their supplies, in the survival challenge in TDI. I was literally gasping for breath - and so was my mom.

My mom was actually learning things about who I was - who I am, and, looking at her talk with my friends and ask questions about me, I started to feel like maybe the relationship was salvageable after all.

I sat around the table eating breakfast and feeling generally very at ease. Harold's words were still ringing in my ears, and, at least for a little while, I felt like I was doing pretty good. I still do.

Things aren't going to be easy.

They never have been, and they never will be.

But I'm going to make it.

Maybe I'll never find Alejandro. Maybe I'll never get to tell him I love him.

Maybe I will, and he'll reject me.

Maybe there will be other Alejandro's.

Maybe there will be other Cody's, who just won't like me.

Maybe there will be other Dr. Kenwar's, who I won't be able to understand.

Maybe I'll end up rich and famous in a mansion one day.

Maybe I won't.

Maybe I'll go back to Total Drama one day.

Maybe I'll never see a TV set ever again.

Maybe Sierra and I will be friends for the rest of our lives.

Maybe we'll drift and never speak again.

Maybe there will be other Sierra's, too.

The mystery is kind of… intriguing.

I've always tried really, really hard to shape my own life. To change my life instead of letting my life change me. But right now, I think it's best for me to be passive.

To just let life happen to me.

After all, life happens to everybody. And the way we react to it - that's how we determine who we are as people.

And I'm fucking Heather Suoh.

No matter what life has in store for me…

I kind of think I'm gonna be alright.

-ℋ

End.