Author's note: If you're not in the mood to read something so incredibly stupid it seems only natural my dad made it up (see i don't own anything), then don't read this. And if you do, don't review. Only review if you are: hyper, sugar highed (there's a difference, don't worry), water highed (I have been water-highed and boy do I wanna be again), and whatever it takes for you to be laughing, screaming, torturing, or grinning evilly/smirkingly/stupidly at your computer.
Me (sighing at computer): Why do I always start like this? Okay, I'll eliminate myself till I come up. Here it is...
*and by the way, Harry is Apparating for the first time, this is his test and he's not really paying attention because he just won a game of Quidditch and Cho swooped down from the stands and kissed him, so he's thinking of this and not the Apparation.*
Harry (closes his eyes nervously): Okay, okay, I can do it, focus my.... er, energies...
Hermione and Ron (sniggering uncontrollably): Focus your energies, Harry! You heard what she said!
Mafalda *remember, someone from the Ministry?* (nods slowly at Harry): Yes, Harry! You need to focus, focus on the point where you want to arrive, focus...
Harry (thinking about Cho's bedroom): Okay...
Mafalda (looking pleased yet exhausted): Good, now, say the words, come on now, and just go!
Harry: Er, Apparate Me?
Hermione (exasperated, whispers piercingly): No, Harry! It's Apparatious Unificus!
Harry (screws up mind): Okay, Apparatious Unificus!
*Harry slowly disappears, inch by inch, from toe to head*
Mafalda (tiredly): Very well, then, who's next?
*Ron and Hermione push Neville from behind the closet and run outside, giggling. They look at each other, the surroundings, void of people, and start to make out.*
Harry *swirling in white mist, thinking about Cho*: Oh, Cho-oo, here I- oof!
*falls out of mist into an unknown bedroom*
Eight hysterical girls: Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry (brushing himself off and looking at the ceiling): What was that?
One girl: It's a boy!
Another girl: Congrats on the labor...
Harry (finally looking around, sees the stares of eight strange, Muggle girls arranged on the bed, the floor, and a chair of a very messy bedroom. One of them looks like...): Cho?
Claudia: What?
Kristy: Excuse me?
Stacey: What are you doing here?!
Abby: Oh, no! You squished Claud's tootsie pops!
Harry: Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
Kristy: Wait right there, whoever you are. Explain why you came here and how.
Stacey, Jessi and Dawn: And who are you?
Harry: What? Harry Potter.
Mary Anne, Mallory and Jessi: OH! Really? The actual Harry Potter, from the books?
Harry: What books? I'm Harry, yeah.
Mary Anne and Mallory (screaming with delight): AAAAAAUUUGHHHHHHH!!!
Harry (flabbergasted at finding himself here): Who are you?
Kristy: We're the-
Phone: ring, ring!
Kristy, Mary Anne, Stacey, Dawn, Claudia, Mallory, Jessi, and Abby (reach over Harry in a mad dash to the phone): I'll get it!
Dawn (breathless): Hello, Babysitter's Club, may we help you?
Harry (horrified): Oh, no!
Dawn: Mmmm-hhhmmmm... okay, I'll call you right back, Mrs. Pike.
Mary Anne (opening a thick notebook): The Pikes? How many?
Dawn: Tomorrow, all of them.
Kristy: What? This Saturday,tomorrow! For all the Pikes? Nobody's available!
Mary Anne (flushing slightly): Kristy and Abby; Krushers practice. Me, Mallory, and Stacey; Braddocks and DeWitts at the picnic. Claudia, Jessi and Dawn; after-school activities.
Stacey: What about the associates?
Mary Anne (in dismay): Oh, no. Logan told me he had football practice after school and Shannon has French.
Kristy: So, nobody can make it? This is going to look very bad for the club!
Stacey: Where are the Pikes' going?
Mallory: They're going on an all-expense-paid trip for a day tomorrow to Tobago! This is terrible, they can't cancel!
Kristy (slowly thinking): Hmmm... Claud, you think maybe, Janine?
Claudia: NO!
Harry (very, very, very scared and confused): You are the Babysitters Club? All of you?
The BSC (remembering Harry): Yes, we are.
Harry: Oh, no...
Kristy (brainstorming): Harry... do you babysit?
Harry (still confused, staring around at the girls, eyes falling on Claudia): Er- yes...
Kristy: Could you do us a favor?
Harry (thinking about Cho/Claudia): YEs...
Kristy: Good! You can take the Pike's job!
Harry (confused, her words suddenly falling on his ears): What?
Kristy: You don't have to do much, look, here's where they live, their address, Mallory will help you once you get there. (holds out book of addresses, numbers and kids)
Harry (nearly faints): Seven kids?
Kristy: Meeting adjourned!
Harry (dazed): Aaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!
* * *
(Harry slept, during the night, in the spare bedroom at Claudia's house, when her parents were out and didn't notice anything. Neither did Janine, Claudia's sister. Harry is going to his sitting job with the Pikes'.)
Doorbell: Ding, dong...
Harry (muttering under his breath): God, ohno, ohno, ohno, ohno...
Mallory (answers door, breathless): Hi, Harrythephonenumbersareonthefridge, MomandDadleftalready, saidtheywerelate, see ya, bye! (rushes out)
Harry (with trepidation, opens door): Oh, great.
Byron, Adam, Jordan *triplets- 10 year olds*: Hihihihi!!!!
Vanessa, Margo, Claire *9, 7, 6*: Hihihihi!!!!
Nicky *8*: Hi!
Harry (runs through house, breaking several vases on the way): AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Adam, Byron, Jordan, Vanessa, Nicky, Margo, Claire (follow him): HarryHarryHarryHarry!!!!!!!!
(all run through house ten times)
*This goes on for fifteen minutes, till Harry is thoroughly annoyed, exhausted, and the kids are hyper as -well- hyper.*
Harry (tries to yell but can't): Stop!
Pikes': Can we watch TV? Can we? Can we?
Harry (wearily): OKay.
Pikes': Goody!
(Harry flops down into the sofa) Cushion: PPPPPPHHHHWWWEEEEETTTHHH!!!!!
Kids (laughing): He farted!!!!!
Harry (jumps up, face red, anger mounting): I said STOP IT!!!!
Kids (taunting): Ha-ha-ha-ha-haha!!!!!
Jordan: Pop! (turns into toad)
Byron: Pop! (turns into toad)
Adam: Pop! (turns into toad)
Vanessa: Pop! (turns into toad)
Nicky: Pop! (turns into toad)
Margo: Pop! (turns into toad)
Claire: Pop! (turns into toad)
Harry: Yes! Oh, no!
*voices in the hall*: Now, where did I forget my coat?
Harry (panics): Nowhere!
Voice (comes into room): A-hah! It's Harry Potter!
Voice (takes face of pretty middle-aged woman off), Voldemort: Ahah!
Harry: No! Expelliarmus!
Voldemort: Hey, relax, little dude, just here to scare ya off.
Harry (runs screaming out the window): AAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Toads: Hop, hop.
Voldemort (sighs and takes face off again), Lupin: I believe I might have scared him off.
Me (appearing out of nowhere, landing on a toad): Ouch! Oops, where's Harry?
Harry (comes back mysteriously): Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!! Here I am.
ME: Well, now Harry, that was fun, wasn't it?
Harry (start to shake head violently): NO!
ME (sigh): Oh, well. OKay, I'll erase your memory. Bye, have fun!
Harry *starts to Disapparate back to Hogwarts, from head to toe*: Thank you, God!
Lupin (sniffles): He didn't even recognize me! Wah!!!!! I'm leaving!!!!
Me (staring around bemusedly): Where's everyone gone? Come back, come back! Jack, I'll never let go!
Jack *Titanic, the movie*: Oh, Rose... hey, you're not Rose!
Me: Get outta here, you bastard!
Jack *disappears with a POP!*: Oh, Rose, where are you now?
Me: I must be getting very weird. (settles down to add more torturesome stories to Fanfiction.net that include Harry) There's something weird about this whole thing....
Echoes of talk: So, did you do it, Harry?
Harry's echo: Well, I did, I think, but it looks to me like you guys actually took her literally, you weren't supposed to, Hermione and Ron...
Sounds of whacks...: Shut up! The truth is often false!
Kristy's echo: Hmmm... I wonder how Harry did with the job...
Mr. and Mrs. Pike: Oh, honey, that trip was wonderful! Oh, ki-ids! Where a-are you- OH!! OH!!! OH!!!! Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Aaaahhh! Step on it! Aaaaahhhhh!
Another Author's Note: Told ya it's stupid!!!!!!! (Haha?) Review and tell me what you think!