A desperate attempt to get them to do it (and no, not that kind of it).

"No, Gin-chan! I don't wanna!" Kagura struggled, kicking her legs futilely as she was lifted by Gintoki. Dammit, she was a grown woman. At 22, she shouldn't be treated like she was still 14!

"We don't need marriage therapy. Do you want me to blow you to smithereens with my bazooka? HAH?!" Sougo narrowed his eyes against his whole team, bazooka ready to fire.

This whole thing was ridiculous. They should be fighting, not talking about marriage or therapy. He shouldn't even be here.

"Oi, oi. Don't go shooting that thing in other people's houses." Gintoki karate-chopped the sandy haired on the head. "Be a little mature like Gin-san, Kagura. I take marriage therapy."

Shinpachi snorted. "Mature. Yeah, right."

"You're not even fucking married!" the redhead screamed, once again kicking.

Before 'A desperate attempt to get them to do it (and no, not that kind of it)'.

"So, how was work?" Okita lifted a spoonful of his fried rice. He chewed it thoughtfully.

"The usual, uh-huh. It was nice but before we finished up the cool down, some kid stumbled in. We had to… get rid of him, in a sense," Kagura replied. "You? How did your business trip go?"

"It was good. There was some… trouble with the paperwork but it's getting sorted out."

As far as they knew, Kagura worked as a tai chi instructor for a senior club. Sougo worked for Shin Corporations and was the head of the management team, only below the CEO and Vice President.

They lived comfortably in an average Japanese house as the Okitas. They had a car and a motorcycle, both in good condition. Their garden was frugal but well maintained. It was nothing fancy and blended right in with the neighborhood.

It was nice. It was normal.

Okita studied his plate. Something seemed off. He shifted the rice around.

"Did you add something new?"

Kagura cut him a sideways glance with her big blue eyes and reached for a packet of furikake. She sprinkled the whole packet onto her plate.

"I added bees."

"Huh?"

"Bees," she repeated. "I added bees."

Okita glanced at his plate. "So you added honey?"

The woman frowned. "Honey? I didn't add honey. I added bees." She grabbed a spoonful of rice and pointed at the green bits. "See? I added bees."

"The word you're looking for is peas."

"That's what I said!"

The russet-eyed reached for the tabasco sauce. "Peas… I thought you didn't eat peas."

The red head frowned lightly and ate another spoonful. She chewed slowly before swallowing. "Everyone eats peas, yes?"

"I thought you didn't like peas," Okita rephrased his statement. He surveyed his plate, now drenched in half a bottle of tabasco sauce. Then he dumped the rest of the sauce in.

She merely shrugged her dainty shoulders and smoothed out her China dress. "They're not so bad."

What really happened at work.

Sougo got himself as comfortable as he can on the rough, bumpy mountain side. He set up his equipment, making sure they were stable. He idly wondered if he should take a test shot and make sure the sniper gun wasn't going to slide down in recoil.

Okita glanced at his watch. 2 minutes till 10.

The target should be coming any moment.

He hummed under his breath to pass time.

"Don't hum Twinkle Twinkle Little Star when you're on a mission, bastard. Over," Hijikata's voice came crackling through the little earbud.

"How would you know it's Twinkle Twinkle Little Star? I could be humming the alphabet song. They're the same tune," Okita softly replied. Then he added. "Die, Hijikata-san. Over."

"You effin – just – just don't fuck this up. Target's coming up in about 1 minute and 28 seconds. Over."

"Go roll down a bumpy hill into a pit of spikes. Over." Sougo ignored the cursing in the Bluetooth and instead took a deep breath.

Take out the tires first. Then the target.

Nice and simple.

He lowered his eye to the scope, adjusting the gun. One, two, thre –

Thump, thump, thump, screeech.

"What the fuck?"

There was now a huge ass boulder in the middle of the road. The target had skidded his bike at the sudden disruption. Okita scrambled for his binoculars instead of taking a shot at the target. Who the fuck was interfering?

"Hijikata-san, you see this?" Sougo pressed the record button on his binoculars and aimed at the boulder. "There's no way this is a natural disaster. The mountain side goes steep and stays clear of the road. We've got someone else on the field. Either someone with a lot of equipment or a monster with super strength. Over."

"I see it. But, Sougo, remain on tas – "

"I'm gonna see if I spot the competition. There's gotta be someone on the other side." He scanned opposite mountain side. Damn it, there were way too many trees and whole mountainside was in the sun's shadow. Too many hiding places for the other man to hide.

He quickly switched to night vision mode. Then the barrage of bullets on the target started.

Okita swore violently and followed the bullets back to its owner. The face wasn't clear but it was obviously a woman. She was wearing… a dress, possibly a darker color such as red or dark blue. He couldn't quite tell since everything was green.

And what the fuck was that? What was on her head? It looked like… a bun? A clump of shit?

But the point was, she was stealing his target. And that wouldn't do at all.

Okita ignored Hijikata repeatedly ordering him to focus on the task. He steadied his bazooka, aimed at the approximated area of the woman, took a deep breath and fired. The familiar boom hit him and left his ears ringing.

"Sougo! You're not supposed to have a bazooka! Why do you have a bazooka?! I specifically told you not to bring that thing because – "

Okita ignored him in favor of scanning the opposite side for the woman. He spied a figure limping and swore again. Why couldn't she just go die?

"Sougo! The target!" At Hijikata's urgent tone, the russet eyed turned his eyes back to the road. Kawakami Bansai had propped up his bike and before Okita could take the shot, the teal haired man sped off around the boulder.

Okita swore again. Today was not his day. Everything was ruined because of that bitch.

Before what really happened at work.

Shinsengumi Headquarters, a.k.a. 'Shin Corporations'.

"So who's the target? Perhaps it's finally Hijikata-san?" Okita drawled to Kondo. He grabbed his bazooka and took aim. "It is Hijikata-san, yes?"

"Oi! It's not me! Put that thing down! And what do you mean 'finally'?" Hijikata pushed away the bazooka.

Kondo merely laughed. "Now, now, Sougo. It's not Toushi. Yamazaki, pull up the screen."

"Yes, sir!" Yamazaki turned to the computer. The screen flickered on and displayed some guy's information.

The commander turned serious. "Kawakami Bansai. He's deeply connected with the Kiheitai, deep enough to possibly be the second in command. He was seen having a meeting with Takasugi Shinsuke in some cheap rundown hotel in Budapest, Hungary. The contents of the meeting is currently unknown but we have some agents set on getting the security tape from the hotel."

"So you want me to hunt them down?" Okita raised an eyebrow.

"Idiot. At least listen to the end," Hijikata groused.

"I'll listen to your end."

Kondo cleared his throat. "Sougo, you're only going after Kawakami. When Kawakami and Takasugi went separate ways, we sent two agents to track them. Both of them were found out. Unfortunately, Takasugi immediately dispatched his tail and we did not get any information from that end. Yamazaki tailed Kawakami and barely made it alive."

"Shot?" Sougo tilted his head as if the new angle would make Yamazaki's injury more obvious.

"Stabbed, actually. Kawakami had a sword hidden in the shamisen – that's the instrument that he carries around," Sagaru replied, hand going to his abdomen. Okita stared at the spot, silently wondering how big the wound was.

"And you were properly searched to make sure you weren't bugged?"

"Of course."

"So why'd he let Anpan Man here get away?"

"We don't know. We're not sure what Kawakami's motives were by letting Zaki go," Hijikata growled, as if the missing knowledge was causing him physical pain.

"Kawakami said something about listening to a continuation of a song. My song, specifically," Yamazaki reported. "I'm not sure what that means since I never produced a song before but it may be a code for something big. Though I'm not sure why he would say something in code to me but – "

"Point is, we learned that Kawakami's going to Chengdu in Sichuan province, China, for a meeting with, presumably, the Harusame," Hijikata explained.

"The Space Pirates?"

"They don't even move through space," Yamazaki grumbled from the side.

"Exactly," Kondo took over. "We're not sure what Kiheitai's plans are but if we must not let them join forces with Harusame. You are going to Chengdu and kill him before the meeting. Hopefully, if he doesn't show up to meeting, the deal will be canceled. Or at least, make things difficult for negotiations between the two groups. Kawakami's known to possess a silver tongue and we'd rather not have him use it."

Okita nodded. "So where am I going to be set up?"

"He'll be taking the Guangyuan-Gansu expressway. We've never seen Kawakami travel exclusively with bodyguards. He rides a dirt bike around and goes alone by himself. We can presume that he will do the same on this trip but we should always consider the possibility of a car and extra bodyguards."

The sandy haired nodded slowly, watching as the screen flickered to a picture of a dirtbike, the model number and its stats.

"It's pretty secluded and there are mountains on the side. We were hoping to get you set up on the mountain side and shoot the man. Or the tires. Make it look like an accident, if possible," Kondo clarified.

"Details are not sure yet?"

"Well, whatever works works," Isao said with a shrug.

Hijikata snorted. "More like we just don't know what you're going to do on your own so why bother making a plan."

"Toushi!" the commander admonished.

Sougo took no offense. He leveled his gaze at the Vice Commander. "Whatever works works, Hijikata-san."

"You little shit!" Hijikata stepped towards him.

Kondo held him back. "Woah, woah. Let's not fight right now."

Okita merely blinked. "So I'm going mountain climbing. Man, I hate mountain climbing. We should get the Rough Mountain to climb the rough mountain."

"Captain! I just got stabbed, okay?" Yamazaki protested.

"Thought you were the Mountain Demon Killer'? A little stab wound shouldn't affect you, hm?"

"Captain! That was from the past!"

Kondo laughed loudly. "Come on, Sougo. You know Yamazaki's not cut out for this kind of stuff. Let's go pick out the weapons." He slung an arm around the sandy haired's neck and dragged him towards the side.

"Kondo-san, can I bring a bazooka?"

"NO! Last time you brought a bazooka, you nearly destroyed the whole bridge!" Hijikata yelled after him.

"No one's asking you, Hijikata-san! Go make some more love to mayonnaise."

"Maybe I will, you bastard!"

Yorozuya Office

"Kagura-chan! Stop watching that T.V. show! We have a job," Gintoki called from his desk.

"I'm not watching a T.V. show. It's research, uh-huh!" the redhead grumbled but turned her attention the natural perm.

"What research? No one in the world would act like anyone in that soap opera," Shinpachi muttered from his position on the opposite couch. His eyes stayed focused on his laptop. Probably hacking into some top secret files or whatnot. Whatever glasses do.

"Shut up, Pachi. Who's the target, Gin-chan?" She didn't bother questioning who gave the job. Questions like those were a thing of the past now. She trusted Gin-chan enough to choose the least politically involved and troublesome job (and Shinpachi to stop Gin-chan in time if the job was just stupid).

"Kawakami Bansai, a member of the Kiheitai."

Kagura paused at the name of the group. They had a run in with the group before. "The… he's the… pedophile who says he's a feminist?

"Nope, that would be Takechi Henpeita. This," Shipachi turned around his laptop to show a teal haired man, "is Kawakami Bansai.

"Okay. Where am I going this time?"

"Chengdu, Sichuan province. China. You'll take him out on the Guangyuan-Gansu expressway at… around 10. The day after tomorrow. You ready?" Gintoki yawned and scratched his head.

"Easy, uh-huh. A hit and run?" Kagura stared at a spot behind Gin-chan's head, trying to imagine what she'd do. Perhaps a car chase? A simple shot from the behind from her bike? That could work, depending on the amount of bodyguards.

"Ah, nope. You'll go on this side of the mountain," Shinpachi took over the explaining. He pointed to a picture of the expressway. "Then you take him out."

"With what?"

"I don't know. With whatever you usually do. Just do it from this side, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. Okay."

"And Kagura-chan? Will there be any trouble with your husband?" the bespectacled man said it in an offhand manner but Kagura knew that if Sougo was going to be trouble, he was going to get… dispatched.

"It should only be a day trip, yes?"

The technician nodded.

She shrugged. "No, there shouldn't be any trouble at all. Do we have any sukunbo?"

This is obviously a parody of 'Mr. and Mrs. Smith'. And an AU where there are no Amantos but they're still in Edo (so they have swords) and technology is pretty advanced too. So just no Prince Hatas going around - I know, sad.

In this fic, Kagura is 22 and Sougo is 26. They're both assassins but they're married without knowing about each other's job. The basic summary of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. They might be a bit OOC but what can you do? They're older and are assassins now. I'll try to keep them IC as much as possible though.

By the way, the Guangyuan-Gansu expressway is real - I just googled it and used the second picture on the first row for reference. You could use that - or just your imagination. And yes, the parts are going to be pretty random (because I wrote them in a random order... sorry) so you're just going to have to figure out which part goes where.

Hoped you like it and thanks for reading! Feedback is always appreciated.