My first attempt at crack. All blame goes to Rayniekinnz.

The Intervention

"What is this?" Voldemort asked, as he walked into his throne room, to find all his Death Eaters huddled together in fear. "I did not summon you, why are you here? Did you bring me the boy? Do you have Harry Potter?"

His eyes darted around the room eagerly, as though the boy was hiding behind one of the Death Eaters.

He didn't miss the look that the Death Eaters shared, and finally they pushed Lucius Malfoy forward.

"My Lord," he began, bowing slightly. "We have come to discuss Harry Potter with you."

"You have news on him?" Voldemort asked eagerly. "Come forward Lucius."

Lucius took a hesitant step forward. "My Lord, this is about Potter... but we do not have any information on him..." he trailed off.

"Well, what is it?"

"We're merely concerned, my Lord," Bellatrix said, realising that Lucius wasn't going to say anything more. "We want to express our concern over your fixation on the blood-traitor."

"I do not fixate," Voldemort hissed, red eyes turning on his most faithful Death Eater.

The Death Eaters muttered in disagreement, quickly quieting when Voldemort turned to them.

"Snape," he hissed, watching the dark-haired man move from the ranks. "Explain this to me."

"I believe My Lord," he drawled, more slowly than usual, not wanting to be the one to explain and get punished. "That there is some... concern in the ranks over your fixation on Harry Potter. We understood about the prophecy when he was a mere child, but it's different now."

"Different how?" Voldemort asked, looking around, and Snape quickly moved back into the group.

"Like in the graveyard," Dolohov offered. "You were so excited to have him there. You poked him in the forehead. It was quite weird actually -"

"Crucio," Voldemort hissed, his wand pointed at the Death Eater. A few seconds of screaming and he moved his wand away.

"Continue," he said, a cruel smile on his lips.

"And instead of taking over, you're too focused on killing Harry Potter. If you had let one of us kill him, he'd be dead. But you insist that you want him alive."

"So we've decided to stage an intervention," Bellatrix said. "Lucius, would you like to go first?"

Lucius withdrew a bit of parchment from his robes.

"My Lord," he began, silkily. "You are the most powerful wizard in existance, but I am concerned with your obsession with this teenage boy. I beg you to allow one of us to kill him so he is out of our way and we can continue with taking over and taking our rightful place. I speak for everyone when I inform you that we miss your old ways, before the prophecy."

A few claps littered the room and Lucius moved back into place, Rabastan quickly moving forward with his own parchment.

"My Lord," he began. "I wish we could all get along like we used to in the old raids. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy..."

The Death Eaters ignored the screams coming from the man as Voldemort turned his wand on him.

"Wrong parchment," his brother whispered, as the man finally stood up from the floor, his body shaking.

"Enough," Voldemort hissed, his gaze slowly moving between the Death Eaters. "Harry Potter is standing in my way, and I have a plan - a plan to get rid of Potter once and for all."

He missed the looks the Death Eaters gave each other. The Intervention was a bust and they were going to spend their days trying to kill a teenage boy.

It wasn't what they had signed up for.

Written for:

Ultimate Battle: Prompt - Death Eaters have a conversation with Voldemort

Drabble Club: (Spell) Crucio

The Quidditch Pitch: (Spell) Crucio

All About You Challenge: Prompt - Death