Inadequate

(rough draft)

A DreamWorks' How to Train Your Dragon fanfic by Raberba girl

Summary: Hiccup feels like an inadequate boyfriend. Hiccup/Astrid

A/N: Ftr, I don't actually condone this level of... I felt uncomfortable writing it, but I didn't know what to do because it had a characterization purpose. *sweatdrop*

Takes place a couple of months after HTTYD1.

o.o.o

Maybe it was the darkness and solitude that made her feel bold. Astrid was pretty sure that if it was full daylight, she wouldn't have climbed on top of this beautiful boy and pinned him down and stuck her tongue down his throat. All her kisses before now had been brief, almost chaste, little rewards she couldn't help throwing at him whenever he'd done something to particularly impress her.

Yet when they were alone out here at night, with the stars shining overhead and not another human soul on this entire island; when Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III was lying so close to her, rambling in that adorably ridiculous way of his and so temptingly unaware of how much she wanted to touch him...

He was stiff beneath her (his whole body, not just the part she expected to be), and when she happened to brush across his chest, she felt how quickly his heart was beating. She paused and pressed her palm against his chest to confirm it, heard his ragged breathing, sensed him trembling a little, and somehow got the impression that all of it was for the wrong reasons.

"Hiccup," she whispered.

He made a sound as if he was trying to speak, but it wasn't coherent.

Uncertain now, Astrid cupped his face between her hands and lowered her head to kiss him again, more gently this time. She had only just started to probe at his teeth with her tongue when he jerked, managing to turn his head away on the second try.

A surge of anger spiked through her, and her fists hit the ground on either side of his head. "You think I'm that disgusting?" she hissed.

"Please, Astrid." It was practically a sob, which stopped her from storming away.

"Hiccup?" Concerned now, she stroked her fingers through his hair. "What's...what's wrong?" She'd read him wrong, she was being too forward, he didn't want it or enjoy it, he-

"A-Astrid...I'm sorry, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm-"

"Sorry for what?"

"I...can't..."

"What is it?" she demanded. "I don't get it, Hiccup. You spend five years panting after me when I wouldn't give you the time of day, now suddenly I want you, and NOW you decide you're not interested?!"

His breathing had evened out, but now he was shaking even more. "I'm sorry," he said again in a very small voice. "I've...I'm really good at...being disappointing, I thought you knew that..."

"Huh?!"

His palms very lightly brushed against her sides. Suddenly desperate, she seized his hands and tried to force them onto her bare flesh, but he gasped and struggled until she let him yank his hands away.

"What's your problem, Hiccup?!"

"I'm sorry, Astr-"

"Stop apologizing and TELL ME!" she screamed into his face.

She heard him gulp. "Y-You...were really impressed by the, uh... It's true. You really can't get a date on Berk until you've killed a dragon."

"What are you talking about?"

"The Red Death...I killed it...you wouldn't even look at me before, but now I- I earned it, I guess, but I...I don't...I'm expecting..."

"This is so frustrating." She wanted very much to get up and march away, but a part of her couldn't bear to leave him. She wondered how long he would talk before he'd let her kiss him again. "Why don't you want me to kiss you?"

"I DO!" he burst out, surprising her. "I-I'd give, you, every kiss, it-"

"Do you want me to kiss you again?" she asked, and was disappointed and confused when the only answer was a whimper. "...Kiss me," she finally said.

"I can't," he whispered.

"Why not?! Don't you like me?!"

"I don't deserve you."

"What?" she said blankly.

"...I'm going to touch you," he warned. "Please don't touch me."

"What?! What?!" Then she closed her eyes and made a ridiculous little moan, considering that his hands simply rested against her waist, separated from her flesh by a layer of clothing.

"Astrid," he said quietly, "I've wanted you for years. I've had...dreams-"

She giggled.

"Astrid, listen. This is how it usually goes - I mean, when it's more realistic and less embarrassing. I flirt with you, you condescend to me, you tease me, and finally once I'm so miserable I want to die, you let me touch you the way a goddess lets some mortal worm grovel to her, and I'm grateful you even let me get that far."

She didn't know how to feel, caught between being flattered and uneasy.

"I'm not used to this," he whispered. "I don't- I don't know how to deal with this."

"'This,' as in...?"

"Why do you want me?" There were practically tears in his voice. "What do you want from me?!"

"I- Hiccup-" Wasn't it obvious?! She leaned to kiss him again, but stopped when he started gasping as if he couldn't breathe. "What's wrong with you?!"

"Everything!" he exploded. "EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH ME, Astrid! As I've been told very often and very clearly for pretty much my entire life. EVERYTHING is wrong with me but YOU are perfection incarnate, so WHY do you keep doing this?! What do you want?! I can't give it to you, Astrid! What you're looking for, I don't have it! When is the novelty of me finally doing something right for once going to wear off?! Wh-When are you going to leave me, Astrid?! I-It hurts so much, I'm starting to think I'd rather you just leave now than keep-!"

She rested her forehead on his bony shoulder and burst into tears.

He seemed to stiffen in shock for a moment, but when she kept crying, he relaxed a little and put his arms around her, making quiet soothing sounds.

She couldn't make herself stop. She'd never felt such guilt before, regret that this treasure had been sitting right under her nose for her entire life, yet she'd done nothing but overlook it and kick dirt over it. How could she not have realized that Hiccup was hurting? How could she have spent fifteen years denying his worth as a fellow human being, thinking that she was somehow better than him, thinking that gave her an excuse to dismiss him as useless? She felt like such a horrible, ugly person, it was unbearable.

When she wouldn't stop crying, he finally shifted to his side, cradling her close against him. Still she cried, and by the end of it, she was in his lap, her legs sprawled and her shoulders hunched so that she could tuck her head under his chin like a child. She was stronger and slightly taller than him; just minutes before, she'd had him pinned beneath her in subjugation - but now she was the one who felt small, with his arms warm and comforting around her.

When she was finally quiet, he murmured regretfully, "I didn't mean to make you cry."

"Shut up," she said dully.

"Okay."

It was so meek, she didn't like that. She wanted him to keep being strong, a boyfriend (he was her boyfriend, right...?) she could be proud of, who would protect her in his own way just like she protected him in hers. "Don't shut up just because I tell you to!"

"...What do you want, Astrid?"

She sucked in a deep breath and then straightened, shifting to her knees so that she was facing him. She set her hands on his shoulders. "Hiccup, I'm not perfection incarnate. Don't ever think of me like that again. I've screwed up just as badly as you have, even worse than you have, for a little while there I hated myself so much I wanted to die. I'm sorry, Hiccup. I don't know what to do, it's not enough, a stupid apology is so empty and useless, but I wish I could redo my life! I want to go back and see you the way you really are, I want to go back and love you the way...the way that...I love you now." Her hands tightened nervously on his shoulders, but she forced herself to keep holding on.

"...I...you just...you just said something there that I don't know what to do with-"

"You don't have to say you love me," she snapped. "I know I don't deserve that, it's fine. But just...just say something...give me some hope." She had no right to demand such a thing from him. "Please," she whispered.

Slowly, he reached out for her again and tugged her close, hiding his face against her shoulder. "I realized," he said, his voice muffled, "that I never really loved you." She stiffened and started to pull away, but he clung to her. "I thought...I thought I- I was so stupid, a stupid teenage boy chasing after a hot girl way out of his league, but...Astrid...Astrid, I'm so sorry."

He raised his head to speak directly to her. He was trembling again, but his voice had hardened with determination. "I'm sorry. You're worth so much more than that. I realized it the first time you smiled at me for real...I realized, it's not just that you're beautiful...your smile is- your heart is-" He struggled for a minute, then finally burst out, "I realized I've never loved you, because now that I've finally, finally started to see the real you - I'm scared of you!"

"I- You know I, I won't hurt you, Hiccup, I can start training with you-"

He gave a slightly hysterical little laugh. "Not your fists, Astrid. Nope, those I can deal with." His fingers tightened nervously again. "I'm talking about...how you're not some cold, distant goddess...you're a girl, a-a woman, and you're kind, and...and you should have someone, someone who adores you for who you really are, someone who would do anything for you and protect you and provide for you, and...and I...and I know I can never be the kind of, the kind of partner you need, and...it terrifies me when you act like you want me, NOW, now when I finally realize how completely and totally inadequate I am for you!"

"..."

"...I'm sorry," he whispered. "You can leave now, if you want."

She punched his shoulder, though she was careful to do it lightly. He still groaned and rubbed at it as if she had socked him with her full strength. "Hiccup. I think I'm capable of choosing my own man who suits me and what I want."

"You... I mean-"

"You think I'm blind to your faults?"

"Hah! No..."

"You think I don't know that I might always have to make up the difference, do things for us that the girl isn't 'supposed' to have to do?"

"I-"

"I'm expecting you to take on your share, too."

"Huh?"

"YOU, Hiccup. There are things you can do, things you think of, ways you can protect me and make our lives better that I could never do." She reached out and buried her hands in his hair, tugging him closer. "You let me do what I'm good at; I'll let you do what you're good at. Value me for what makes me valuable, and I promise I will always do the same for you." She wondered why he wouldn't answer, and finally realized that he was trying very hard to hide his tears from her. "I love you," she whispered.

After a long time, he was finally able to manage, "You really...you really do want me? You want Hiccup?"

"I want you, Hiccup," she said firmly.

"I am not used to that, I am so not used to this, aaahhh, you know you're scaring me to death right now, I'm always the one doing the wanting, this is, why can't Astrid Hofferson keep her hands off me, why haven't I woken up from this dream yet...?!"

She let him calm down a little, then leaned to kiss him again. She didn't know how to explain why she couldn't keep her hands off him, either; it wasn't like he had changed. He was still as small and bony as ever, he still had the same body she had once found repulsive, but it was like her genuine feelings for him somehow made him physically attractive to her now.

Why was he stopping her?!

"A...Astrid..."

"I told you I want you, Hiccup! Why-?!"

"Astrid, can I please kiss you?"

"What do you think I've been trying to do?!"

"Astrid, can I please have permission to kiss you?"

"What?"

"You do realize I've never kissed you before, right?"

"NEVER-?!"

"Astrid. Dearest."

The endearment froze her. It sounded so strange coming from him, but also wonderful.

"Not that I will ever complain about getting kissed by the most beautiful girl in the world, but you do realize that we've been dating- At least, I assume we're dating, we never really clarified that-"

"We are," she said anxiously. That had started bothering her a bit, too, the fact that they'd never verbalized it to each other. "You're my boyfriend." She had to work hard not to make it sound like a question.

"Awesome. But yeah, we've been dating for two months, and despite what you may think, I do have a very small sliver of manliness that I kind of keep hopelessly clinging to, and it would make that sliver feel a lot better if I could be the man for once and, you know, kiss you. Instead of always getting kissed like a good little damsel."

She giggled, finally understanding. "You're worrying about your manly pride?"

"A little," he said plaintively.

Grinning, she climbed into his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck and tugged him over her so that she was reclining against him in a submissive pose. "Go ahead, then," she whispered, feeling an unexpected little thrill. He was right, she couldn't remember having ever been kissed by him before, and while she usually gloried in being strong and powerful and dominant, there was also a bit of unexpected appeal in giving up some control.

"Oh man, now I'm nervous," he chuckled shakily.

"Even if you're terrible, I promise I won't laugh at you."

"Uh huh."

"Much."

He muttered something under his breath, then pushed her to the ground and knelt over her and took hold of her head and kissed her more slowly and tenderly than she expected after all that.

She decided she liked it. Not for all the time; she hoped he'd soon add some rougher, more passionate kisses to his repertoire. However, at this moment, when she was learning to treasure Hiccup's unique gentleness, she enjoyed it.

o.o.o

Author's Notes: I think this is only my second actual HiccStrid story. ^^; You know, I get annoyed with HiccStrid fics that marginalize Toothless, yet here when I'm the one writing a fic that focuses on HiccStrid - poor Toothless & Stormfly don't even get MENTIONED. X'D Oh well; I've got a zillion HiccTooth fics to make up for it... If I was a better writer, I'd find a way to integrate the dragons naturally, but I feel lazy and don't want to try to revise yet.

I keep feeling like I've written a "Hiccup kissing Astrid for the first time rather than the other way around" scene before, but I can't actually remember a story where I might have done that. o.O

Although I like Hiccup/Astrid as a couple, I don't like a lot of the HiccStrid fanfiction I've read, because I'm really picky about how I like to see their relationship portrayed. They have an unusual relationship dynamic, which means that they get OOC when people write typical romances about them. Hiccup is not manly and buff and impressive and overbearing, okay? He looks like he gained a little muscle in HTTYD2, but that's only because of the way his flight suit's designed; he's actually still as skinny as ever, and he does not have broad shoulders. He's still dorky and nerdy, and he's gentle. People love Hiccup because of his extremely risky, dangerous, and courageous technique of making himself incredibly vulnerable to people who could hurt him badly. Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III is not a dark handsome rugged strong-armed romance novel hero, and Astrid Hofferson is not a weak manipulative simpering romance novel heroine, so I don't know why so many people write them that way. This is one of the very few couples that I actually enjoy seeing sexualized, but only because the sexual aspect is an expression of their individual personalities and their unique relationship with each other. It falls really flat when writers (so, so many of them...) just exploit them for mindless OOC porn.

Anyway, I like HiccStrid, but I'm really picky about how it's portrayed, and I often write stories as a way to process my feelings or opinions, so I think writing this fic was a way to sort through my feelings about this pairing. PLEASE NOTE that even though I wrote this thing myself, it's not actually the sort of HiccStrid fic I would most enjoy reading; it's more of a fictionalized journal entry than anything else. *sweatdrop* I was attempting to capture Hiccup's vulnerability, and that beautiful, unique way he somehow manages to transform his weaknesses into strengths. I love the idea of him having insecurity issues, of being taken aback and even frightened when the tables suddenly turn, and this untouchable gorgeous Amazon he's been hopelessly chasing for so long suddenly thinks he's desirable and wants to gobble him up. XD It's almost like he tried so hard because he knew he never really had a chance with her, and now that what he thought he wanted is suddenly being served to him on a silver platter, he's being forced to re-evaluate his feelings and start seeing and valuing Astrid for who she really is, which reflects the way Astrid is finally seeing and valuing his true self.

I think I'm doing that thing again, where I write a ton of fanfiction to procrastinate on what I'm actually supposed to be doing. orz I'm getting ready to move to a new apartment, I should be working on filling out the application, not writing a totally random HiccStrid fanfic...