Disclaimer: I am not the owner of D. Gray-man, and I hardly own anything at all, actually. I don't own these characters, I don't own what they say, since this is taken almost verbatim from the manga, and I don't even own the idea for this story. It's part of the #219th night countdown. *shrug*

D. Gray-man Countdown: The 219th Night

Day 1 – Salvation "I want to become a destroyer who can save."

Dreams trickled through his mind quickly, lasting only seconds, and fading into black. Allen looked into the water as the face of a tired woman looked at him, bags under her eyes and a smile on her face. Her smile melted into the face of a sleeping child.

Mana...

He was ill. He'd been sleeping for a month, and had yet to wake up. The others were whispering with furrowed eyebrows and slight frowns. Allen hated it.

Mana... You're awake?

He felt a smile grow on his face, contradicting the river of tears. The feeling of water on his cheek and weighing down his eyelashes faded along with the dream, and the flat surface of the black lake Allen was staring into rippled. The scene of his father, no, brother became fuzzy and Allen lost it. He had no time to think of it, as another scene opened up.

You're too soft, you know?

There was an abandoned city in front of him. He felt stone steps underneath him and his knees were folded up to his chin. The wind was blowing gently, kicking up leaves and dirt. There was a smile on his face, but it felt wrong. Fake. He wanted to cry.

We're Destroyers, not Saviors.

The statement rang with truth. Allen couldn't save anything. His life was full of destruction. A snowy night next to a gravestone was a reminder of that. The wistful song dancing on the breeze taunted him with a broken promise, lost hope, and the tune of eternal sleep.

Even so, I still want to be a Destroyer who saves.

It sounded like a joke. A Destroyer only harmed those around him for his own selfish reasons. He only saved himself and brought misery. Allen was Destroyer, even if he hated it. A glance up from the lake showed him wreckage of a fallen Order and a blood red sky. Dead branches pointed to him, placing the blame on Allen, and it was no wonder.

The song silenced and Allen felt his heart tense. The pain left him as the image descended back into the depths of the lake. A shadowed face grinned at him. Allen stared back, trying to understand what those eyes were telling him, and didn't see the picture forming around them. It was the Ark.

Allen will play... It's Allen's music.

Now the piano was before him, and he could see his hands, one scaled and ugly, the other scraped and hurt. He was injured from a fight. He'd deluded himself into thinking it was to save his friends, the Exorcists, but looking at the golden crest and the words he could read just as well as English he felt a voice in his mind whisper to him.

The Noah were the ones who'd attacked. Allen was going by instinct. He wanted to save them, but they lived on, still in pain and almost to the death of the Exorcists. But Allen knew: even if the Exorcists died in the process, he'd continue his mission to destroy the Noah and destroy the Akuma. He could not save.

The Fourteenth, I presume?

A voice sounded, not from the lake, but from the air, as if there was someone behind him. Allen tore his eyes away from Mana's crest to see nothing but a lone dirt path behind him.

Well? Are you?

It sounded angry. Allen felt a cold weight against his neck, but felt nothing there. He blinked, and a face was a foot above him, looking down into his eyes and a grimace judging his reaction. A moment passed, and he realized that Kanda was the angry voice, and he seemed to be waiting for something.

"Kanda?" The coldness pressed into his skin harder, and he looked down to see a blade very close to his neck. Allen narrowed his eyes and felt annoyance bubble up inside him, as it often did around Kanda.

"Woah! Hey, watch it will you?!" Allen leaned back on his hands to get away from the crazed swordsman, but Kanda followed.

"Are you the Fourteenth?" Allen raised an eyebrow.

"The Fourteenth? No! I'm Allen!" He snarled at Kanda, waiting for the suspicious look to fade.

"You're lying!" Allen almost choked at the renewed force. Was he bleeding yet?

"I'm not lying! I'm Allen! Come on, what's going on, Kanda?" Allen felt sweat break out on his forehead. Kanda ground his teeth together and leaned back slightly.

"Then what's that?!" That? Allen looked around the room in the hopes he'd figure out what Kanda was talking about. When he looked to the left, all annoyance he felt towards Kanda disappeared and he felt the urge to press closer to Mugen. Struggling to get up was Johnny, but there was blood trickling from his neck and his breathing was labored. Kanda saw this too, and pulled away entirely, jumping over Allen's bed to assist Johnny. Allen couldn't look away.

A headache came in strong, barreling through his fragile mind. Guilt weighed him down. No way. He couldn't have. He thought he had the Fourteenth under control!

What if I told you that when you become the Fourteenth, you will have to kill someone you care about?

Was this what his Master meant? He would lose all control and slip away as the Fourteenth murdered his friends? That he wouldn't be able to win? This is why he'd run! They should have never followed, for death followed him. First Link, now Johnny was badly hurt.

Did you, as the Fourteenth, kill your Master?

Allen knew Apocryphos was the one who killed Cross, he'd seen it, but he felt doubt fester in the corner of his conscious. When he slept, the Fourteenth took over and wrecked havoc on those around him. He was dangerous now. Kanda should have killed him first, instead of asking questions.

"Huh? Kanda? Allen looked up and saw Johnny in Kanda's arms touching his head. He's not dead!

"How's your head?" Kanda passed Johnny a towel, and Allen took a step towards the door.

"My head? Well, it.. It really hurts. Wait. Gah! It's pounding!" Allen cringed. This was his fault. He was a Destroyer, after all.

"Don't move. You're still bleeding." No. Johnny shouldn't be bleeding. He should have been at the Order, and safe.

"B-Bleeding? Blood? Huh?" A pause. "Waah! Blood!" Allen took another step back. "That's right, I... Allen woke up and then-" Johnny looked away from Kanda and his eyes rested on Allen. "You weren't Allen. I mistook you for Allen!" Kanda stood and turned, glaring at Allen. Another step.

Johnny shot up, dropping the towel, trying to reach Allen.

"Stay back!" I don't want to kill you. Allen activated Crown Clown, his only chance of controlling the Noah and escaping. Feathers erupted from his arm and the wrapped around him like wings. "Don't come near me..." Allen staggered back until he hit the wall, cringed at the onslaught of pain coming from his headache.

Faintly, he registered that he was threatening his friends. Did Destroyers need friends? They probably killed them all.

One of these days I'll get big and leave this place. I don't need any friends.

"Will you run? Just abandon everyone again and run? In your state?" Allen laughed quietly while Kanda spoke, but nothing was remotely funny. Perhaps he was going mad. Just like Mana...

"Shut up, you fool! I'm not running away! I'm an Exorcist, fighting in my own way. And for me, this is the best way..." Allen couldn't hold back the tears. Keep lying to yourself. "I'm truly sorry Johnny."

What could an apology do? I hurt him. There was no way to redeem himself. He could find no salvation, as it never came to those who sinned at such a caliber.

"Allen-" Johnny approached Allen's bed, the only thing separating them. Allen wiped his tears with his right arm and held out his claw to prevent Johnny from seeing him. He could not come any closer, or else-

"Please. Don't come any closer. My awakening has begun! I have to be alone to fight it! Otherwise, this happens." Johnny smiled, despite the claw inches from his face.

"I'm sorry. I messed up." Allen clenched his teeth. Why wasn't Kanda doing anything? Couldn't they see Allen wasn't safe?

"No, it's just- I can't let you or the Order catch me yet!" Blindly, Allen reached for the door. It hurt to see Johnny's frame tremble. He wished he didn't have to be afraid of him.

"You haven't given up yet, Allen! I can see in your eyes you haven't given up. I'm glad. And I'm staying. I mean, I left the order to be with you." Allen blinked, ignoring his wet cheeks. He left the Order? Why would he do that?

"I'm going to stay by your side from now on. As Johnny Gil and your friend," I don't need any friends. "I'm going to help you." The resulting silence was thick with confusion. Allen didn't want help. The Fourteenth cares nothing for Johnny. He'll hurt him again if Allen couldn't get away. He never wanted to hear such words, and never expected them.

Did Mana love me, or- Did he...

He was alone. He did not deserve love. The Noah had chosen the right person for a host, for Allen shouldn't expect that chance to live. Not if it was a threat to the lives of his friends. But still, some part of him wanted to survive. He wanted to be able to call Johnny a friend without risking his life. He wanted to live after the war, instead of being erased.

He was your friend. Aren't you sad? How come I'm the only one crying?

Allen felt his face heat up under Johnny's stare. It looked like he didn't have a choice.

"Allen?" Allen tried to hide behind his hair. Could he be his friend without destroying Johnny? Could he save him from the Fourteenth, even while being near him? No. It's no use. This is how I am now. But I won't give up! I want to be... A Destroyer that Saves...

"Now grab him! Get the rope!

Abyss-chan out~!