Chapter 11: Letting Go

I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep last night. It wasn't even a question. So what did I do? I never left the concert hall. I eventually left that bathroom and made my way back to my practice room, but it wasn't to pack up my things and leave. The goal was to let the music of my violin drown out the rampaging negative thoughts in my head. It worked a little bit, but my fingers and wrists and arms were so tense that eventually I stopped keeping track of how many mistakes I made.

I stay up all night in that tiny little practice room, playing and playing until my fingertips go numb. I only know that it's morning when I hear the door of the room next to mine open and close. Someone is here to practice, so it has to be light out now. Most likely.

I'm not done trying to purge my mind of the rampant bloody thoughts plaguing them. So I keep playing. I let my mind go blank, only filling with the notes singing from the strings of my violin. I will play and play until I know whether Eren is safe or not. If that's all the way until rehearsal, then so be it. If he doesn't come to rehearsal this afternoon, I don't know what I'll do. I can't even think about that right now.

There's a knock on my door and I startle, the bow making a hideous screech across the strings that rings in my ears long after its echo fades out. It takes me a minute to lower my violin. I really don't want to talk to anyone right now. I don't think I can keep up a normal façade for any decent length of time.

But the knock sounds again, a little more hesitantly this time. When I stand and turn, my breath catches with a sudden, incredibly strong flooding of relief. It's almost enough to completely incapacitate me. Eren is okay. He's standing right there, peering through the narrow window on the door. The tanned skin of his face is flawless, not a mark or cut or scratch. His wide, bright eyes are curious, even touched with worry. He's standing there at the door. He's there. He's okay.

As soon as I regain proper motor control, I'm throwing the door open.

"Hey, sorry to intrude-"

"You're okay," I interrupt him. The thought is tumbling endlessly on my mind and there was no stopping it from rolling off my tongue. My relief is making it impossible to think, impossible to breathe.

"Uh, yeah, I'm fine…" he replies, trying to mask his obvious surprise. "Uhm, but what about you? Are you okay? I, uh… I couldn't help but worry about you last night, at that concert. I kinda wish you had come with me…."

I duck my head as I slowly take my seat again. Eren sits in the free chair to the left of my music stand. As the relief slowly starts to ebb away, it's replaced with a tinge of regret. I also wish that I could've gone with him. It would've been nice to go to that concert with Eren, to sit in those seats on the other end of that stage and to listen to someone else's music. To lean across and whisper to Eren my thoughts on each particular piece. To dissect every movement, every instrumental section, the conduction, the set as a whole, as we walk back to the car together.

But despite how much I regret not going, I also know that I never would've been able to get in that car. The memories were too strong at just the mention of a trip out of town to go to a concert. At just the thought of Eren climbing into that car with all his friends. I never would've been able to go. It wouldn't have been possible. Not without a complete mental breakdown in front of Eren and all his friends. What Eren witnessed in this practice room and in the bathroom last night was bad enough, and I had still been holding onto a fragile thread of sanity.

"Did, uh… did you have fun?" I ask. Eren is back. He is safe. There's no reason for me to still be nervous about it. It's over. It's done. It's in the past. Eren is here, he made it back safe.

"Yeah, it was very nice. They're a really good group," Eren responds, but his expression doesn't reflect the words coming out of his mouth. "Your hands are shaking, Levi. Are you okay?"

I look down sharply and, sure enough, my hands are betraying my inner turmoil. I lace my fingers together to try and stop it, but it doesn't work. Not well enough. Eren's question rings through my head, over and over, and my already compromised emotions don't know how to answer. Without even really making a conscious decision to do so, I'm reaching for my sleeve and rolling it up, baring row upon row of neat red lines and raised pink scars. A small patch of gauze covers a part of my upper arm, held in place by a rubber band. I pull off the rubber band and remove the gauze. The gauze pulls away dried blood from the new cut there, irritating it and causing it to start bleeding again.

"Oh my god, Levi," Eren gasps, getting to his feet. He immediately goes to my backpack, and I don't stop him. The only thing I have in there that I want to hide wouldn't surprise Eren now. He pulls out the small towel I have in there and brings it to my arm to clean off the blood.

I watch him carefully. I don't know why I thought it'd be a good idea to show Eren. I keep waiting for disgust to cross his face. For him to be revolted, horrified, for him to get up and leave. For him to disappear, to never see him again.

But he doesn't. And none of those emotions touch his soft features. The only emotions shining in those bright eyes are concern, worry, and maybe even sympathy. I'm not sure I like that last one, but it makes something flutter in my stomach. Along with the obvious compassion that's clear in his eyes. He sincerely cares about my wellbeing, and I have no idea how to even react to that.

"I have to," I find myself muttering as he continues to clean at the cut. I don't tear my eyes from his. I don't think I could if I tried. "I have to in order to play. I can't play without feeling… pain."

"That's… horrible," Eren breathes, finally looking up to meet my eyes. "Why?"

The whole story tumbles from my lips. The second the first word is out, there's no stopping the rest. Every last, depressing detail fills the small space between us, and I watch as a flurry of different emotions crosses his green eyes. I don't stop speaking, not with the death of my father, not with being shipped from foster home to foster home, not when I lost my only friends all at the same time. I continue past that, continuing into how I struggled to play, how I found out that if I drowned myself in pain, it was suddenly possible. I explain to him how I need to open the wounds on my arms in order to feel the passion I need to play. I tell him that the only way to keep the memories of the only people I ever loved alive is to fuel my pain of their loss into the strings of my violin. And I tell him that I had to keep everyone at arms distance. I couldn't grow close to anyone else. Because if I let someone else in and they disappeared from my life like the others did, I don't think I'd survive it.

He listens to every word. He doesn't interrupt, he doesn't ask questions, he just listens. And when I finally come to an end, when my story finally finishes, Eren doesn't say a word. He sits up from where he's kneeled on the floor and wraps his arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug. He doesn't say anything stupid, doesn't say 'I'm sorry' or something else completely pointless. He just hugs me, and after a long minute, I manage to make myself hug him back.

And it feels so right. Having Eren in my arms like this, him holding me tightly. He's murmuring something in my ear. He's saying that he's here, that I'm not alone anymore. He's saying that I don't need to push people away anymore. That I don't have to live like this anymore. And it's everything I want to hear. It's everything I need to hear.

He pulls away and I let him. He watches me for a long minute in complete silence. His eyes are loud though, flicking over my face, trying to gauge my emotional state. After a moment, he sits back in the chair he had evacuated, he turns the insides of his arms to face me. He leans closer, holding them out to me.

"My mom died when I was nine," he starts to tell me, and my eyes widen. I had suspected that his mother was no longer alive from subtleties in the way he talked about her, but that's so young to lose a parent. I would know. "She had cancer. I knew it was coming, she and my dad both had explained to me what was happening long before it happened, but I was so young, and I don't think I fully understood what was going on. It hit me really hard. She was the one who taught me how to play violin. It's like how it was with your father. Except that I didn't play for years after she died. Things didn't get better with time either. I was a disaster in high school. It's a miracle my father put up with me. It seemed like it was every other day that he was getting a call from my principle. I also took my anger out on myself."

He moves his arms closer and I look, and am shocked at what I see. How did I not notice them before? The scars are very faint, obviously not having been touched or reopened in years. I reach out without thinking, but Eren doesn't stop me as I take his wrists in my hands, pulling them closer. They are all small, and there's not that many of them. Well, it only doesn't seem like very many because of the sheer number that line my own arms. But even then, each one pains me. Seeing those scars, a clear sign of Eren's own pain, no matter how far in the past, it hurts me. More than any scar or cut that graces my own arms.

"I overcame it eventually," Eren continues. His eyes are on his arms, just as mine still are. "I'm not saying it got any less painful to think about her. I don't have to tell you that. But… I guess what I want to say is that the only reason I came out of my… funk, is because of my sister, and my friends, my dad too. I had so many people close to me that helped me through it. I can see now that you… you don't have anyone. That's not healthy. So, I guess, I just want to be that person for you. I know we haven't personally known each other very long, but I really care about you, Levi, and I want to be here for you. I want to help you out of this."

I don't know what to say. My words completely leave me. I'm stunned beyond belief. What is Eren saying? He knows my every dirty, horrible secret. He knows what a messed up person I am. He knows all my flaws, my seemingly endless amount of baggage, and he's still offering to be here for me? He should be running for the hills, taking off before he gets himself in too deep in my mess. But here he is, offering to help me. And… he cares about me?

"I'm tired of being alone," I find myself saying, my voice quiet. "It's so hard… hiding from everyone."

"You don't have to anymore," Eren replies. He's leaned in, perhaps so that he can hear my quiet muttering.

"I don't know how to stop though."

"It's because you're thinking too much. You're alone right now, with no one to see you, so let yourself relax. Let go, and stop thinking so much."

"How-"

I don't get to finish that question. Eren is leaning forward, and before I can even register what's happening, his lips are on mine. My heart leaps into my throat, my face heats up, and I can't react. I also can't sort through the feelings that are suddenly threatening to overwhelm me. It's like… I'm performing a work of my own composition in front of thousands for the first time since my pencil left the paper. There's excitement, the excitement of unveiling something new. There's nervousness, the nervousness of performing something for the first time. Anxiety, a fear of failing, or of the piece being ill received. But there's something new swimming around in all these emotions. It's something I haven't felt in a long time. It brings to memory images of my father, of Isabel and Farlan, of Petra, Guther, Eld, and Oluo. They're not the usual images that float around in my head though. They're filled with that emotion. Images of them smiling, laughing, playing their instruments together. They're happy memories, filled with… love. And it's overwhelming.

I love him. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone before. I never let myself love someone this much before. And now that the floodgates have opened, they're no hiding them again. Greed envelops me, but I fight to hold it down. I want him to stay with me. I want to hold on to him and never let him go. It's been so long since I've felt this way. I don't remember it feeling this… easy. Loving people is hard. Having people you care about, people that can be taken away from you, it's so hard. But this… this is so easy, having Eren here, his lips moving so softly against my own. Falling in love with Eren is so easy. It feels like it was inevitable.

I don't realize that I've started kissing him back until he's pulling away and I'm longing to follow, to close the distance between us again. But I don't.

"Sorry, that might've been a little inappropriate-"

"No," I interrupt. "No." I can't think of anything else to say.

He smiles, reaching forward to run his fingertips lightly over my upturned palm. I curl my fingers around his. "So how was that for letting go? At least for a moment."

"Can I-" I stop that train of thought, for once managing to catch myself before something just slips out again. But then I decide that maybe I should continue with that thought. "Maybe I can let go again? For just another moment."

He smiles wider, a soft chuckle leaving those soft lips, and he nods. I don't hesitate to lean in and press my lips back to his. And this time I'm ready, and when we kiss this time, it doesn't start one sided. He kisses me back, and I kiss him, and my heart is back in my throat. This is better than the music. I didn't think there was anything in this cruel world that could be better than my music. But this is. Eren is. Being with him is.

When we pull apart this time, Eren doesn't pull fully away from me. He leans his forehead against mine, and the prolonged closeness is enough to make me dizzy. But it's the kind of dizziness that I would gladly live with for the rest of my life.

"As much as I really don't want to, I need to go," he tells me. His voice is a ghost of a breath across my lips. "If I don't make it to class, my professor will skin me alive. And I'm rather fond of my skin."

"Oh… what time is it?" I question.

"Uhm, about seven thirty? I need to catch the next bus if I'm going to make it to campus on time," Eren answers as he stands. "I just wanted to stop by because… well, you know. I was worried about you. Just wanted to make sure you were okay. I'll see you at rehearsal, alright?"

I nod, and Eren flashes me the brightest of smiles, the kind that can light any room, lift any mood. And it does. When he leaves, the door closing behind him, I can still feel the warmth of his presence, can see the light in his eyes, can taste the touch of his lips on my own.

These feelings are so strange, the need to be close to someone else, the desperation to feel the touch of another person. But I want to learn. I want to learn how to be comfortable with these feelings. I want to learn how to let someone in, how to care for someone again, how to care for Eren. It won't be easy, but if Eren gives me a chance, I will do whatever I can to give him something better than the shell of a man I am right now. I want to let myself heal. For Eren.

I know this chapter is a complete mess, as far as the writing and following Levi's emotions and feelings and thoughts through the whole thing, but that's on purpose. I'm trying to show just how much Levi's entire life is being turned upside down. Anywho, hope you liked it!