The Return of the Curse of the Bad Fanfiction

Starring The Evil Author, Disappearing Ron, Silly Hermione, Harry and Draco Madly Making Out, and Lenient Snape. With some cameo appearances from other fandoms!

Harry sat down at breakfast, dumping his bag beside him on the table.

"Hullo Ron."

"Hullo Harry."

"Hullo Hermione."

"Hullo Harry."

He paused. Frowning, he turned to his friends.

"Is it just me or did that sound particularly inane?"

Ron gazed contemplatively at his marmalade toast.

"No."

"It's just that I've been a bit paranoid since that Mary-Sue incident," Harry sprinkled brown sugar on his porridge.

"I know what you mean," Ron nodded. "If someone bumps into me I freak out because I think I've become invisible again."

"What subjects do we have today?"

"Umm," Ron consulted his timetable. "Quadruple Potions and Triple Divination."

"That's odd, I thought we had Care of Magical Creatures."

"Who's the teacher for that?"

"Duh, Hagrid. Don't you remember? The one who rescued me from the Dursleys? The one with Norbert the Dragon? The one who set us onto those giant spiders? The one we proved innocent and saved from a fate worse than death in Azkaban? The one - "

"Okay, okay I remember. I just forgot he existed for a moment."

"You what?"

"I dunno, just for a second I forgot about how important he is. He just, faded."

"Weird."

"Mmmm," was Hermione's only comment. The boys looked at her. She was resting her chin on her hand, twirling her index finger around a strand of her hair as she gazed dreamily at . . . the staff table? At . . . ?

"Oh no," Harry paled.

At Professor Snape.

Ron made a choking sound and grabbed at Hermione's shoulder.

"Wake up! This isn't real Mione!" he yelled at her. She didn't move. And no one looked up at Ron's outburst. Nobody had noticed it. Breakfast continued at per usual around them. Ron swallowed, looking queasy.

"Harry, it's happening again."

The two friends looked at each other.

"The curse of the bad fanfiction!"

~~~~*~~~~

The author frowned. "They're not meant to notice. Ah well, I know the perfect distraction."

~~~~*~~~~

Suddenly the doors to the Great Hall opened. All heads turned. A spotlight trained itself on the figure in the doorway as music began from nowhere - the intro of George Thoroughgood's Bad to the Bone.

Harry stared, his mouth falling open.

The tall figure began to walk forward slowly, in time with the ripping guitars.

. . . I broke a thousand hearts before I met you; I'll break a thousand more baby before I am through . . .

Wearing a tight black t-shirt, combat boots, and a long black leather wizard's robe, the boy glided up the aisle heading straight for Harry.

. . . I wanna be yours pretty baby, yours and yours alone . . .

Platinum blonde hair slicked back and stormy grey eyes shielded behind ultra-cool sunglasses, Draco Malfoy smiled seductively. Nobody seemed to notice as Harry stood up, jumped over the table, and threw himself into Draco's waiting arms.

Nobody except a boy with mousy brown hair and eyes of no particular shade.

"Oh no. Not again."

Striding down the aisle between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw table, Blake Reality pulled his wand from the belt of his jeans. Levelling it at the passionately kissing figures of Harry and Draco, he cried "Fix-up-atum!"

Nothing.

~~~~*~~~~

The author bursts out laughing.

~~~~*~~~~

Blake stared at his wand in horror. It had a split near the top - and the core of thylacine heartstring was missing.

~~~~*~~~~

The author grins. "Did you think I wouldn't disarm you Reality? You are in my world now! Cower under my POWER!!!"

(Hey, that rhymed. I'm a poet and I didn't even know it!)

~~~~*~~~~

"Oh no!"

Ron grabbed at Blake's arm. "Can't you do anything?"

"I'm sorry Ron, but I can't fix this."

"Is he talking to himself?" A Ravenclaw girl asked her friend.

"All we can do is try and limit how far this goes until help comes."

"Help?"

"From another fandom. There's no one here who can help us now."

"Okay. You tackle those two and I'll try stop Hermione drooling over Snape."

"Um, Ron, she's already stopped."

"What?"

"She's uh . . . " Blake pointed. " . . . taken a sudden interest in your sister."

"WHAT?!"

Ron spun around. Ginny had abandoned her crumpets and was now straddling Hermione while she raked her fingers through the other girl's thick hair, and smothered her face in kisses.

"Oh my God."

"You're not homophobic I hope?" Blake asked the queasy looking boy.

"Not at all. If Ginny likes Hermione then I wish them both the best. But nobody should have to see their little sister's tongue doing that. Especially not to one of their best friends."

"Hopefully it won't last long. Here's a hose."

The rest of the school hadn't taken much notice up until this point, but once Blake and Ron began spraying their friends (except Draco wasn't a friend) with cold water and other students began to get wet, they noticed. However, they were reluctant to approach the plain looking boy, not to mention the fact that the other hose appeared to be moving around by itself.

~~~~*~~~~

"This is taking a rather nasty turn. I think it's time somebody made a comeback."

~~~~*~~~~

Suddenly the doors to the Great Hall opened. All heads turned as music began from nowhere - the intro of Static X's Cold.

The room turned dark. Mist rolled in from nowhere. The loud rock music thundered throughout the hall, and a figure appeared silhouetted in the doorway.

Blake laughed. The figure spoke, his voice cutting through the sound.

"I, am the Vampire Lestat."

~~~~*~~~~

"Hey! I wanted Mary-Sue, not him!"

~~~~*~~~~

A loud "Ooooooh" came from the students. For some reason, none of the teachers noticed a thing, including Dumbledore who was humming and eating lollies, and Snape, who was looking longingly at Hermione (who by now was on the floor with Ginny on top of her. Hermione didn't seem to mind this at all).

Dressed in tight black leather pants and no shirt, Lestat slunk forward, moving with superhuman grace. Draco probably would have noticed the figure walking toward him if Harry hadn't had his legs wrapped around his waist at that point.

Blake stepped up to the Vampire.

"Hey Lestat, you made it."

"Yes Blake," he purred. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Everyone's horribly out of character, and Ron keeps disappearing. Could you help me sort this out?"

"Certainly - " but he was cut off as a flash of blue light dissipated the mist and darkness.

"POSSIBLE ABUSE REPORTED," a voice boomed. "ALL ANNE RICE CHARACTERS PLEASE LEAVE THE VICINITY."

"Curses," Lestat swore. "I'm sorry, but I have to go."

"But, please!" Ron begged, still training the hose on his little sister. "You have to help us!"

"I'm sorry mortal, I can't." And with a last ripping guitar solo, the Vampire Lestat left.

"Damn!" Blake aimed water at Draco again, dismayed that the Slytherin was undoing Harry's now soaking wet school robes. "We need help Ron. We can't hold this up much longer."

~~~~*~~~~

Realising a perfect opportunity for a cliffhanger, the evil author cheers and -

"Oh no you don't," Blake snarled. "We're not waiting a week for you to decide what will happen next. You're going to finish this now!"

The author rolls her eyes. "Fine, fine."

~~~~*~~~~

Snape climbed over the staff table, drawing his wand.

"Of God no," Ron went even paler. "He's going to hex my sister and profess his undying love for Mione! Blake, do something!"

"The hose Ron! Squirt him!"

The red haired boy jumped onto the Gryffindor table, running along its length, sending pumpkin juice and waffles flying in all directions. Raising his hose, he turned the nozzle to full power.

"Don't you touch my sister!"

As the wall of water threw Snape all the way back to the staff table he managed to sputter; "Fifty points from Gryffindor for your cheek, Weasley!" before he landed in Professor Sprout's lap.

"Why Severus," she blushed. "I never knew you felt that way."

Blake gave up on his hose and began trying to pry Harry and Draco apart with a crowbar.

"This is going to hell fast." He cringed when he saw that Harry had his hands down Draco's black army pants. "I sure hope he doesn't remember this."

Suddenly the doors to the Great Hall opened. All heads turned. A spotlight trained itself on the figure in the doorway as music began from nowhere - the intro of Lunatic Calm's Leave You Far Behind.

"What's with everyone getting a spotlight and theme song?" Ron asked.

"Welcome to the world of bad fanfiction my friend," Blake smiled. "Anything goes."

A tall man stood there, wearing a tight black t-shirt, combat boots, and a long black leather overcoat. Ultra-cool sunglasses covered his eyes -

"Hey! He stole my outfit!" Draco peeled himself away from Harry and pointed at the newcomer. "How dare you!? I'll have to get a whole new wardrobe now, do you know how much - "

The man raised his hand and turned his cool gaze onto the Slytherin. "No."

That one tiny word froze the world. Every eye turned to the man in black.

"Who are you?" Ron whispered into the silence.

"My name," the man took off the glasses, "is Neo."

"From the Matrix," Blake supplied. "He's got this funky power and he can change whatever he wants."

"Cool," Ron turned off his hose. "So you can help us?"

Neo grinned. "Sure."

~~~~*~~~~

"NO! NO! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"

~~~~*~~~~

After that everything happened very quickly. Dumbledore realised that the Great Hall was flooded with water and maple syrup, Snape leapt away from Professor Sprout, Hagrid appeared out of nowhere and Ginny climbed off Hermione, apologising profusely.

"Oh golly Mione, I don't know what came over me - "

"It's okay Ginny," Hermione straightened her robes. "I hope whatever it was comes over you again, just somewhere more private next time."

"Hey," Ron tugged at Neo's sleeve. "You forgot to fix her."

"I did fix her. I guess she's just loosening up a bit."

Ron took a shaky breath. "Oh."

Draco hurried back to the Slytherin table, tucking in his shirt and combing back his hair. Harry's eyes followed him.

"Harry," Blake tapped him on the shoulder. "It's over, you can stop looking at him now."

"Why?"

"Um, because it's weird for you to be checking out your arch rival."

Harry shrugged. "Jus because I don't like him doesn't mean I can't admit he looks good."

Blake paused. He raised his wand (that Neo had fixed). "Harry, I don't think you're thinking straight."

"Look Blake, just because I wouldn't normally jump Malfoy in the middle of the Great Hall doesn't mean he and I have no chance whatsoever. He doesn't act so ferret-y any more, one day we might be friends."

"Okay," the boy lowered his wand. "But remember, it would be a slow and gradual change. So if anything begins to happen quickly, call me, because it's probably that pesky evil author again. Alright?"

Harry grinned. "Alright."

Dumbledore stood up, looking rather threatening. Blake smiled at the Gryffindors.

"Do try to keep out of trouble people," he waved, then he and Neo beat a hasty retreat, until the next time the curse of the bad fanfiction should be cast upon the unsuspecting students of Hogwarts.

~~~~*~~~~

The evil author gives up and leaves in a huff.

~~~~*~~~~

The End!

Author's Notes.

I had some new ideas and decided to write a new chapter. Thank you to everyone who reviewed before! I really didn't expect it.

I've got nothing against any of the pairings I ridicule here; all I'm saying is that sometimes they're very badly done. Harry and Draco can be great together if they're handled by a good author. There are just very few of those. J

BTW, can you guess my other obsessions besides Harry Potter?