69 Ways to Kill Ron Weasley

Chapter 1: Quidditch Tryouts

A/N: I apologize to anyone who likes my stories that I haven't updated them in a long time. Honestly I've just been really busy lately. I finally got all my certifications done and now I have a job, but I also have much less time to dedicate to much other than my friends, family, and work. But, I have been working on my other stories, I just don't have enough completed to start posting again. But, I figured I'd start off this story, which is just going to be a bunch of short one shots. I've seen other stories like this before and I figured I'd give it a try. They're short, so I can write them out quickly and still post something, plus they help me keep ideas flowing and I think it'll make it easier for me to write my other stories, since I won't be out of practice during the times I have between writing sessions. Anyway, I hope people enjoy these short stories.

"Whatdya mean I can't try out for Seeker?"

"What I mean is I'm the Captain, and I'm the Seeker, therefore we're not holding Seeker tryouts."

"Oh come on Harry, you know I'm just as good as you! You're just scared I'll beat you, you effin' pansy!"

Harry sighed. The stupid fucker doesn't even curse, but still thinks he's the shit for saying "effin'". Whatever. Fucking cuntbag.

"Fine, Ron, I'll let you go up against me. You only get one shot, though. I'll even ride one of the school brooms so you can't accuse me of cheating when you get pissy when you lose."

"You're on!" Ron shouted back.

The results of said contest surprised nobody. Harry beat Ron by spotting the Snitch and grabbing it within fifteen seconds of starting.

"Well, looks like that's that. Look Ron, you're a decent Keeper. You did great last year. Why not retry for that position?"

"But being Keeper is lame. I know I can be better than that. I'll try out for one of the Beaters. That's a cool position."

"Sigh. Fine Ron. But I can't keep trying you out for different positions. If you suck at being a Beater you're going to have to wait til the end of tryouts to finish yours."

"Fine. But I know I'll be a bloody good Beater."

While Harry was setting up Ron with a broom and bat, no one noticed Dobby the House Elf hiding behind the ball crate.

"Wheezy is a danger to Mister Harry Potter. Wheezy must be stopped before Harry Potter gets hurt!"

Dobby then snapped his fingers twice, the first causing the box to glow blue for a moment, the second causing him to disappear.

"Alright then. Get up in the air and I'll release a Bludger. Let's see how you handle it." Harry opened the case and two Bludgers shot out, heading straight for Ron.

"Shit!" Harry shouted.

Ron wasn't paying much attention to what Harry was doing. He thought his natural strength and reflexes would be more than a match against one tiny Bludger. He realized how wrong he was when the first Bludger hit him with a sickening crunch to his humerus, which was shattered. The next one hit him on his forearm, breaking his wrist. The next strike was too his knees. Having lost the ability to grip his broom, he fell down three stories to the ground below. The Bludgers pelted on him from above. Ribs cracked, his pelvis was crushed. Tibia, fibula, radius, and ulna, all broke. His clavicle and femurs were next to go. His breast bone broke next, then, before his heart stopped, the Bludgers rained down on his head, turning it into nothing but pulp. Finally, the bludgers slammed down into his torso and exploded, forcing various body parts to go flying.

"Well, Ron. Looks like you just weren't cut out to be a Beater after all. Next!"