Title: Catching A High
Pairing: None (holy crap, right?)
Rating: K+
Genre: Humor
Cat: Gen
Spoilers: None.
Warnings: None.
Summary: After a typical DiNozzo style accident, Tony's on painkillers. Again. Will he still be able to do his job?
Author's Note: Written for the lovely K9Lasko for the 2015 White Elephant Exchange on NFA, based off her prompt: "He's all drugged up. McGee and DiNozzo must solve a seemingly "easy" case while DiNozzo is under the influence of heavy painkillers. Hilarity (and danger! and drool...) ensues." This isn't really the story I had originally planned on writing, but I think it fits the prompt. LOL. I hope it is enjoyable, in any case. (There's also a pun in the title; you may be able to figure it out by the end of the story.)

"One potato, two potato, three potato, four. . ."

"Stop it."

"Hey, Timmy. I. . . Wait. What's your last name again?"

McGee shot a deadly glare at his partner. "Are you for real right now, Tony?"

Tony narrowed his eyes in what appeared to be deep thought. "Am I for real." His eyes widened suddenly and he stared over at McGee. "Am I for real? I'm not. . ." He blinked a few times. "I feel so fuzzy. Fuzzzzzzzzy. That's a fun word, isn't it? I like all the Z's. Like Ziva. Zeeeee-vaaaaaah. I wonder what she's doing right now."

McGee closed his eyes in frustration. "Probably not listening to her high as a kite partner question his existence," he muttered to himself. When he opened his eyes again, he found Tony's face about an inch from his and reeled back in surprise.

"I never noticed before," Tony said, ignoring McGee's reaction, "but you have freckles! Yeah, there's one right there," he poked at McGee's cheek, causing McGee to bat his hand away. Tony frowned. "Hey, that's not nice."

"Well, neither is you poking at me," McGee said. Tony continued to pout at him, so he sighed. "We have enough to worry about without me having to babysit you, too. When Gibbs stuck me with you, I should have said. . ."

"What, McGee?" Gibbs' voice entered the bullpen, and McGee swore under his breath.

"Nothing, Boss," he responded after clearing his throat.

Gibbs nodded and sat down at his desk. "Good." He glanced up at Tony, who was holding a pen in front of his nose and staring at it cross-eyed. "DiNozzo!"

Tony turned to face him, slowly, a dopey smile on his face. "Yes, Boss."

Gibbs rolled his eyes. "You sure you should be working?"

Tony waved his question away with a snort. "I'm fine, Boss. I know who you are, I know who Timmy is, and, and. . ." He turned towards Ellie's desk, pointing at it. "Blondie. Yeah."

"Her name's Ellie, Tony," McGee said from behind him.

Tony swiveled to face him again, nearly falling over in the process. "I know that, McGoofy. Where is she, anyway?"

"Bringing in your suspect," Gibbs said, and Tony turned his head to give him a suspicious look.

"We have a suspect?" he asked. "What case are we working on again?"

McGee sighed loudly behind him, while Gibbs continued to look unaffected. "Someone's been stealing money from right here at NCIS. Right now it's looking like someone in accounting, seeing as they have access to the books."

Tony nodded, looking pensive. "Right, right. Stealing money. Money laundering." He drew out the last word, then said, "I wonder why they call it laundering. Because once it's stolen, it's not clean anymore. It's dirty. Dirty money. I suppose money dirtying just doesn't have the same ring to it, though." When he stopped talking, he noticed Gibbs staring at him. "What?"

"You done, DiNozzo?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," he said, his voice getting fainter. He frowned and turned back to his desk. "Just gonna sit down for a minute, Boss."

Gibbs watched him stumble towards his chair. "Probably a good idea," he said.

The elevator announced its arrival then, and the men looked up to see Ellie enter the squad room, a mousy-looking woman with her.

"Gibbs?" she said, and he stood up, walking over to them.

"Let's take our guest to a . . . conference room," he said, taking the diminutive woman by the arm and guiding her down the hall to interrogation, leaving Ellie with Tony and McGee.

She looked at Tony, who now had his head pillowed on his arms and his eyes closed. She frowned. "You okay, Tony?"

"Just a little sleepy," he mumbled. "Little sleepy. Gonna take a wee nap. Don't tell Boss."

"Uh, well, I think he'll notice, considering you're at your desk," she said, then looked over to McGee for an explanation.

"They gave him painkillers," he said, and she murmured her understanding. She hadn't been there when he'd injured himself, but she'd heard about it and it hadn't really surprised her. Tony and McGee had been interviewing people regarding the missing money and on their way back to NCIS, stopped to get coffee, which was nothing unusual. They were just leaving the coffee shop when a little girl ran up to them, tears rolling down her face. . .

"My kitty's stuck up a tree!" she wailed, and the two men shared a look, sensing what she wanted from them and neither one of them really wanting to be the one to help.

"Well," Tony responded, "cats do that." He felt a sharp jab in his side and glanced at McGee, who was giving him a pointed look. He looked back at the little girl, giving her a serious look. "Listen, you probably shouldn't be talking to us. We're strangers."

"Are you bad?" she sniffed.

"No, actually, we're federal agents," Tony said, making a face at how bad an excuse the "don't talk to strangers" bit was when they were, in fact, law enforcement and just the sort of strangers a child should talk to.

"Can you get my cat down?" the girl asked, and Tony winced, not wanting to turn her down, but not sure he could actually accomplish said feat.

He glanced at McGee, who immediately shook his head. "I don't do animals," he muttered, and Tony gave him a sinister smile.

"Oh, that's right. Jethro the Dog ruined you for life, huh?" He snickered to himself as McGee glared at him.

"It's not funny, Tony," he muttered, and a loud sniff reminded them of why they were having this argument in the first place.

Tony cleared his throat. "Well, I guess I could try to. . ."

He wasn't able to finish his sentence, as a loud squeal of joy from the little girl interrupted him, and she grabbed his hand, dragging him away to the tree that held her precious pet.

Ten minutes and about 15 attempts later, Tony had finally managed to climb up the tree and was crawling towards where the girl's cat sat perched on a branch, looking all too comfortable. Tony looked down at his waiting audience. "You know, your kitty looks pretty comfy right where she is. I don't want to disturb her."

"You said you'd get her down!" the girl shrieked, and McGee nodded beside her.

"Yeah, Tony," he agreed. "You said you'd get her down."

"I said I'd try, Probie!" Tony hissed. "That branch is looking kinda sketchy, though, and I don't want to fall. I don't think you could catch me."

"I'd probably break something if I tried," McGee muttered.

"I heard that, McGoo!" He looked at the branch again, then back down to the ground and the pouting little girl, then made a decision. "I hope that grass is softer than it looks. . ."

Needless to say, it wasn't, and after some considerable howling and whining from Tony - not to mention no thanks from the girl, who ran off immediately with her "rescued" cat, who didn't really seem to appreciate being rescued very much (imagine that) - McGee helped Tony limp to their car and drove them to the hospital, calling Gibbs once they were there to fill them in on the situation.

Ellie shook her head to herself, thinking about McGee's telling of the events. "He'll be okay, right?" she asked.

McGee waved off her concern. "Yeah. He's been through worse." Ellie's eyes widened slightly and he gave her a look. "We're federal agents, Ellie. It's a dangerous job."

"Yeah, sure, you're right," she said, nodding, but still looked wary.

Gibbs reappeared then, taking one look at the sleeping Tony and rolling his eyes before looking over to McGee. "When he wakes up, you two go question our embezzler."

McGee raised an eyebrow at him. "You want Tony to help with the interrogation?"

Gibbs sighed. "Yeah, I know. Might not be the smartest idea." McGee tried to stifle a laugh at that, and Gibbs glanced at Tony again before saying, "I'm going to go check in with Vance."

McGee and Ellie watched him leave, then Ellie turned back to Tony, patting him on the head. He snuffled a little and burrowed further into his arms, making Ellie smile.

Meanwhile, Gibbs knocked on Vance's office door, receiving a, "Come in, Agent Gibbs," in return.

He smirked as he opened the door. "How'd you know it was me?"

Vance raised an eyebrow at him. "Nobody else has the balls to just knock on my door."

Gibbs shrugged. "Eh, you're lucky I knocked."

"You make any headway on the missing money?" Vance asked.

"Yeah, Bishop brought in a suspect. She's waiting in interrogation."

Vance watched him, waiting for him to continue. "And? I thought McGee and DiNozzo were doing the interrogating on this one."

Gibbs sighed. "DiNozzo . . . had a bit of an accident on their way back to NCIS earlier."

Vance frowned. "He alright?"

"Yeah, he's fine. He's an idiot, but he'll be fine."

"Then what's the problem?"

Gibbs ran a hand over his face. "McGee took him to the hospital and they gave him painkillers." He paused. "You ever see DiNozzo on painkillers?"

Vance chuckled. "You gonna have Bishop sit in on the interrogation?"

"You know, I think I'm going to leave DiNozzo in there." Vance lifted an eyebrow in question. "Yeah, I know. McGee made the same face. I just thought, as long as I'm supervising, shouldn't be a problem, yeah?"

Vance nodded thoughtfully. "Right. You know, this is an agency issue. I should probably be there, too."

Gibbs grinned as he turned to let himself out of the office. It probably wasn't exactly kosher, humiliating his agents like this, but as long as nobody got hurt - well, any more than DiNozzo already was - he saw nothing wrong with having a little fun.

They were dealing with an embezzlement case, for Chrissakes. What could possibly go wrong?

"Tony. Tony. Pay attention!"

Tony jolted in his seat as McGee poked him hard in the shoulder. "Sorry. What were we doing again?"

McGee sighed. "We were about to ask Ms. Templeton some questions."

"Ohhhhh, right." Tony nodded, looking across the table at their suspect, who was looking more nervous than anything else. Well, and confused.

"Your friend never said why I had to come down here," she said, her eyes darting back and forth between the two men.

"Who, Blondie?" Tony said, and McGee jabbed him with his elbow. Tony glanced at him, pouting. "What?"

"I don't think Ellie appreciates that nickname, much as I don't appreciate your many nicknames for me."

Tony scoffed. "Nah, the Bish and I are like this." He attempted to mash his index fingers together, but completely missed. He frowned at the action, while McGee raised an eyebrow at him.

Across the table, Ms. Templeton cleared her throat, and Tony and McGee looked back to her.

Behind the two-way mirror, Vance turned to Gibbs. "You sure this is a good idea?"

Gibbs shrugged. "McGee'll take the lead. Tony'll probably say something stupid, but maybe it'll throw her off and she'll come clean."

Vance grunted. "Interesting technique."

"And if things get too out of hand, I can just. . ."

He was cut off by the frantic tone of McGee's voice.

"Tony? Hey, DiNozzo, you okay?" McGee reached out to his partner, not sure if he should touch him or not. His face was flushed and he'd started breathing heavily, wheezing at times.

The door to interrogation burst open then, bringing in both Gibbs and Vance. Ms. Templeton's eyes widened at the sight of the director, but they didn't pay her any notice, their attention on Tony.

"Boss," Tony wheezed out. "I don't think I like those painkillers very much."

"Yeah, I wouldn't think so," Gibbs agreed. "Considering you're allergic to them."

"What?" McGee said, his eyes nearly popping out of his head at Gibbs' words. "But, but, last time. . ."

Gibbs lifted his head to give McGee an incredulous look. "Does it really matter, Tim? Let's just get him to the hospital."

Their suspect was on her feet, watching in concern as Gibbs tended to Tony, and she glanced at Vance, catching his eye.

"We'll cut this short, unless you have anything you'd like to say?" Vance directed his words at her and she hesitated before her words tumbled out in a rush.

"Okay, I admit it. I took the money! I was just in a really tight spot, with bills and my parents are sick and I just thought. . . I was going to give it back!" She started sobbing, clearly remorseful of her actions.

"Alright, alright," Vance said, giving her an awkward pat on the back, his eyes focused on Tony and Gibbs. "Agent McGee, can you escort Ms. Templeton back to the squad room? And if you see the EMTs, direct them here, please."

McGee stood up, shooting another worried look at Tony as he did so, and edged around the table, guiding their now perpetrator out the door of the interrogation room.

"Boss?" Tony's voice came a moment later. "Is this it? Am I gonna die?"

Gibbs just rolled his eyes. "You're having an allergic reaction, DiNozzo. I think they'll be able to save you."

"But, but. . ." He wheezed again, then coughed. "Bee stings! If you don't . . . in a few minutes. . ."

"Shh, calm down," Gibbs insisted, lifting a hand to unbutton the top few buttons on Tony's shirt.

"Getting frisky, Boss?" Tony asked, still breathing heavily.

Gibbs grunted. "You wish. Just giving you some room to breathe. That's it. Just breathe." He kept his hand on Tony's chest, letting it rise and fall as Tony's breath evened out.

They sat in relative silence for a few more minutes, until they heard McGee's voice outside and a couple of paramedics entered.

"Looks like you're not getting rid of me yet, Boss," Tony said as they helped him onto a gurney and wheeled him out the door.

Gibbs shook his head and turned back to McGee, who had his hands on his hips and was looking at him with wide eyes. "Well," he said, "so much for that being easy."

McGee frowned. "We got her to confess, didn't we?"

Gibbs stared at him for a moment, then laughed. "Yeah, I guess we did. Come on, better make sure DiNozzo doesn't go dying on us."

McGee paled. "He'll be okay, won't he?"

"Yeah, he's too stubborn to die. Come on."

"McGoo! You came to visit me? I knew you couldn't stay away."

McGee leaned into the white coated doctor next to him. "Did you give him painkillers of any kind, by chance?" he mumbled, and the doctor just gave him a confused look. McGee nodded. "Right." He turned his attention back to Tony. "Feeling better?"

"Yeah, I think I'm about done with hospitals for awhile, though." He slung his legs over the side of the examination bed, looking at the doctor. "So, what caused the reaction? Must've been a different painkiller than the last time I needed them."

"Agent DiNozzo," the doctor said, walking over to stand in front of him, "were you around any cats earlier?"

McGee's face lit up in realization, and the look Tony gave him when he spoke was half a glare and half impressed. "Never thought I'd see the day. Tony DiNozzo, taken down by a pussycat."

THE END!