A/N: This is a collaboration JacKim fic co-authored by Makapedia (on tumblr) as well as myself for Reverb 2015!

You can find the 8track link in my description along with the companion art piece by Ilarual~

Thank you to our wonderful betas: Fullmetalgrigori and Earth-shines
And credits to Rebornfromash for the sandwich

Please let us know how we did and please check out Ilarual's art and fanmix, which inspired the creation of this story~

We highly recommend that you listen to the music as you read!

Warnings: Angst, Dark Themes, Major Character Death

How do you hold yourself together, when all you were was shattered.

How do you heal your heart, when all you were was torn and there was no way to stitch up the jagged edges.

How do you remember who you are, when all you were was lost, when the part of yourself was gone forever, ripped from you, and you knew you were the one to blame.

Jackie wrapped herself tighter in her blanket, shivering against the cold sheets as thunder crashed in her eardrums, just like that night so long ago. She didn't bother to turn on the lights, didn't want to know what the world looked like beyond the walls of her cocoon, but the light from the window flashed, followed by a boom that shook her. Her arms grew goosebumps, her hairs stood up on her skin, and she couldn't stop shaking.

She hasn't stopped since that night.

Everything reminding her of that night, when she died that night along with her. But really? Jackie did die, wanted to die, wanted to go with the girl who left her all alone, all alone in a world too big for just one person to make it through. But she wasn't the one who died that night.

Chilling air drifted through the open window, the one she didn't bother to close, the one that she liked to look through all the time, at the trees around their building, at the flowing wind. She used to open that very window every day, claiming that there was no reason why it should ever have to close, and now, Jackie couldn't bear to touch it. Through snow and through rain, it remained open.

It was always going to stay open.

But the howling storm outside disagreed, throwing water and leaves onto the glass. It rattled, it screamed, and it jeered at her, but Jackie didn't notice. She didn't see anything now outside of her cocoon of blankets, didn't want to hear anything outside of the small comfort, didn't want to know that there was a world outside where she used to live. There was another place outside of the prison she mourned in, outside of the walls out in the sun and under the sky.

Jackie curled up even tighter into herself. There was no place for her now, not when Kim was gone, not where Kim will never be again.

Somewhere in the middle of the night, she dropped onto her pillow, too tired to hold herself up anymore, but she was still awake, still remembering the person she wanted next to her the most. Her brown eyes were glossed over with memories she didn't need, remembering the times before that night, and also the night itself. The blanket laid around her, loose, but caught between her limbs and the bed. A poor replacement of the girl who she once laid with.

Jackie wanted to remember how the moonlight shone against her pale skin and how she used to tickle Jackie with her short bangs, wiggling them over her nose, laughing as they rolled and tumbled. She couldn't remember how her fingers used to lace between hers, couldn't remember how they'd fit into place, so natural, like it was meant to be that way, and it left her feeling misguided.

She remembered the light that used to burn as brightly as her flame, the one who lit her way through the battlegrounds and the one that guided her out of the shrouded mess. She was the sunny day, the flickering embers, the magic that held the earth together. But the world was damp now, colder now, like snow had laid itself over the ground.

There was once a time when snow had been her joy, back when she used to be there. They'd travelled up to a mountain resort, several months ago, and they snuck away after completing their mission to the hotsprings, giggling, hand in hand. And the steam wafted around them, tying them together, drawing each other closer so they didn't lose each other in the vapor. It'd been torturous, pretending to not notice her damp, pink hair that curled just slightly at the tips and to not step over the boundary to caress her flushed, smooth skin on display.

Her touch was warmer than the scalding heat from the water and her green eyes glittered from the reflection of the candles. When she turned around from the moon lit boulders, her pert nose was shiny, and her lips were stuck in a pout. She had her arms crossed over her chest, but it did little to hide it from Jackie's traitorous gaze. Although, it wasn't Jackie who she was hiding from, it was the mountain macaque that peeked in over the fence.

"Damn, I wish we could have some privacy around here."

Immediately, Jackie pointed a finger in their direction and summoned a line of fire that streaked through the air, just above their heads. Only an idiotic monkey would've stayed after that show, and the snow monkeys were clearly not idiots. Kim sighed back into the water, drifting towards her partner who laid back against the edge. Her head met with Jackie's shoulder and she nuzzled closer into her neck.

"You're my shining light, you know?"

But she didn't know anymore.

Lightning flashed again, refracting off of her walls, illuminating the empty bed across from her, her own bed, the one she hadn't touched since that night. She dug her nose closer into the sheets and the pillow that caught her tears, muffling her sobs. It was losing scent, and eventually, it would be as if there was no one there but Jackie, alone in a bed too big for one, alone in her room, alone.

Jackie didn't hear the knock on her door for she was too deep within herself to notice nor was she awake to answer. There were dreams that night, dreams that showed her images from what seemed to be ages ago, only to warp into nightmares, just like every other night. The sky that started out blue became dyed in pink, and the pure clouds became drenched in tar. And the sun still laughed.

It was laughing at her.

The knocking became louder, pounding along with the memory of the sun in her head. Jackie didn't want to let it in, couldn't let it in, not into her space that she once shared with her. But it persisted, it shook within the walls of her soul, vibrating against her, knocking her down to her knees.

Everything was too hot, too cold, too loud, too quiet, too much.

Another knock jerked her in her bed, rousing her from her slumber, and she threw the blanket of her, looking around her. She wasn't in her soul, she was in her room, their room.

Jackie swung her legs off the bed and pushed away, rushing to the door with a dizzy mind and weak legs.

Someone was at the door. Could she dare hope that it was who she wanted it to be, coming home from wherever she went? Did she dare pray that she was coming back, back from where ever she was? Was it Kim?

Jackie undid her messy bun and ran her fingers through her hair, tugging through the strands that she hadn't brushed in weeks. Her hands patted her cheeks, noticing that her face was smaller, thinner than she remembered it to be. How does the rest of my body look, she wondered, but it was the least of her worries now. She banished the thought, licking her chapped lips and running her tongue over her slick teeth.

But when she flung open the door, there was no such person waiting for her on the other side. There were no green eyes that beamed at her, and instead, there were violet ones, worried and concerned. There was no girl with a saucy smile or soft cheeks or pink hair. No distraught exclamation about the state of her skin was thrown at her, no whisper telling her about the latest news brought to you from the other class, no haughty sneer as two pork buns were shoved in her face. It was silent.

It was Tsugumi.

Jackie dropped her hands stiffly, feeling her heart drop to the floor, the cold hard floor that dug into her heels. The hallway was too bright, too empty, too much. Her legs felt weak and her head was dizzy. She wanted to crawl back into her bed, pretend she never answered the door, hide away in her closet where she still kept her jacket, but she was stuck to the ground out of consideration for her underclassmen.

Tsugumi was looking right at her, eyebrows squeezed together and her mouth set in a line. Her smooth, black, very black hair was loose over her shoulders, so unlike her. No one was her.

She began to say something; her lips moved, but no sound traveled. Tsugumi went on for quite some time, animately waving her hands a little in front of her, clearly uncomfortable, but still she kept on going, unaware that Jackie couldn't hear a thing.

She raised a single hand, stopping the other girl in her tracks. "Sorry Tsugumi, can you say that again?" Jackie's voice cracked in the middle of her sentence. It hadn't been used for days and it sounded strange, like it'd had been cut up with a dull blade.

Tsugumi winced, but stilled herself, pretending it didn't happen, but it did, and Jackie saw her nudge a little backwards. "I- I- I hoped, erm, I wanted to, um, invite you out to get lunch.. if you wanted to go… but you don't have to! I- I just wanted to- yeah..."

Jackie rubbed her temples, already drained, however, she heard the underlying words that Tsugumi was too afraid to say. She was worried about her friend, knowing well that Jackie hadn't eaten in a while, that she hadn't even come out of her room in days let alone socialize.

But she looked like a mess. There were dark circles under her eyes, she knew that much, even though she hadn't checked her reflection in ages. She was dehydrated, skin reflecting too much of her poor health and self care. Her once very shiny hair lost its luster and it stuck every which way, just like how her soul felt, messy and wild.

"Maybe not today, Tsugumi." Maybe not in a long time.

"O- oh! It's ok, senpai! We can go some other time. I'll ask you later, don't worry! I- I'm going to go meet up with Maka now. Do you want us to bring anything back for you? Maybe a sandwich?"

"Don't worry," she gave her a small smile. "I'm fine."

And with that, she let the door click, and she settled back on Kim's bed, covering her head from the sunlight that poured through her windows.